Disclaimer: Isn't it irritating how I can write a fic but can't come up with one witty line for the disclaimer? I don't own Glee.
Author's Note: Please note that the opinions stated in this fic don't belong to me. Because it is written with a focus on Dave Karofsky, some of the thoughts are rather homophobic, and I don't share these beliefs at all.
Broken
It didn't used to be this easy. Dave still remembers freshman year, when Hummel would kick and struggle as he was being thrown into the dumpster, or when he would try to escape the jocks that surrounded him, attempting to weasel out only to be caught and thrown back against a locker again.
The change is gradual at first. Hummel still resists when the football players are having fun with him, but Dave notices how his attempts grow weak after a minute of realizing that he isn't getting away. He still dresses in that weird way that brought him all the unwanted attention in the first place, but his gaze always seems to drop when he notices the jocks, and Dave can't help but realize that Hummel takes a different route through the hallways if he sees Dave coming towards him.
It didn't used to matter this much. One kid that they messed with was the same as another, and Dave was perfectly happy to dump anyone he came across into the dumpster. But for some reason, now Hummel's a little special. He doesn't know why, but Dave gets this strange, anxious, excited feeling when it's Hummel he shoves into a locker. And it's not intentional, but Dave finds himself looking for Hummel when he feels the need to toss a slushie. He tells himself it's the satisfaction of breaking the Gay.
And he didn't used to be breaking. But the bullying is taking its toll on the smaller boy. Even Dave can see that. And maybe it should make him happy. Maybe he should be glad that the kid's finally started to realize where his place is and that he needs to stay in it. But it doesn't give him the satisfaction he thought it would, watching him stop resisting when he's being pushed around.
So Dave pushes harder. He starts to seek Hummel out more and more often, shoves him with twice as much vigor. And he doesn't know why, but there are times when Dave slams Hummel into a locker, walks away, and almost turns around to see if he gets up again.
Dave definitely, definitely doesn't know why he kind of hopes he does.
So he tells himself that he doesn't. He doesn't care about Hummel. He doesn't care what he does, what he thinks, how he acts, as long as he doesn't get too gay. And he proves it too, by shoving him whenever he can, by tossing slushies more and more often until there's not a time when he passes Hummel that he doesn't do something to him. Just to show that he does not care about him.
And so when, after knocking Hummel's phone out of his hand and sending him crashing into a locker, Dave's surprised (but not happy, not just a little bit happy) to hear Hummel shouting after him. But he doesn't turn around. Why would he? Hummel's worthless to him. Completely worthless.
And when Hummel starts yelling at him, Dave ignores him. He didn't realize that Hummel standing up for himself would be this much of a pain, and he thinks that the boy's definitely better off being broken. But when Hummel tells Dave how he's not his type, Dave can't help but feel a little angry.
And then he's mad at himself for being angry, because of course he's not Hummel's type. Hummel's freakin' GAY, and Dave is straight, straight, definitely straight. Hummel isn't his type either.
But that doesn't explain why he can't shake that awful feeling when Hummel goes on about how he would never want Dave. And Dave doesn't care. Or he shouldn't care. Or he doesn't want to care.
But maybe, maybe he does. Maybe just a little part of his mind is wondering what it would be like if he was Hummel's type and Hummel was his. And he wants to get rid of the thought as soon as it enters his mind because he's a jock and he's normal and he's not queer like Hummel. But the boy keeps yelling at him and Dave just wants him to stop. Stop because he's not supposed to think like this. Not supposed to even consider that there's something just a little bit attractive about the kid who's telling him to go ahead, to hit him.
And Dave wants to, sort of. He wants to- he doesn't know what, but he wants to make Hummel stop, just stop, because Dave can't handle it right now. So he tells him to get out of his face, but he doesn't, and Dave's so confused, so lost, and he hates Hummel but he does't and-
And then he's kissing him, actually kissing Hummel, his hands on the other boys face and his lips pressed against his. And he doesn't understand why he's enjoying it because that's what Gays do and he's not, he isn't, he can't be…
But when they pull apart he can't stop himself from moving in again, because he doesn't know what's wrong with him, but he knows that he needs to kiss him. And the very thought disgusts him and what's wrong with him?
Hummel pushes him away (and no, no, Dave's not crying, because only girls and gay guys cry) and brings his hand over his mouth, looking shocked, hurt, disgusted. Because it's disgusting, wrong, repulsive to kiss another guy. Dave shoves his fist into the lockers, because he has to hit something, before he leaves the locker room and Hummel behind, shoving the door open and imagining it's Hummel he's shoving into a locker.
It was Hummel that was supposed to break. Hummel, not him. Not Dave. He's the jock. Strong and masculine and definitely not gay. But jocks aren't supposed to care about gay guys, they're not supposed to have these weird, mixed up thoughts that just can't be normal, and they're not supposed to go around kissing other guys. So he's not supposed to have enjoyed it, not supposed to have wanted more.
And Dave's not supposed to be this messed up, this wrong, this gay. It's shattered him in a way he didn't think was possible, and he doesn't know whether to blame himself, or Hummel, or just life for screwing everything up. For turning him into this disgusting type of creature that just isn't supposed to exist.
Dave remembers how it was before he sort of started to hope that Hummel would fight back. He remembers how he used to want Hummel to give up, to accept his place. And he remembers the look on Hummel's face after that kiss that shouldn't have happened, the way Hummel covered his mouth with his hand and shrunk away. Sick. Awful. Revolting. He pictures the hollow look in the other boy's eyes that he could hardly see through his own tears that he tried to keep from falling.
And Dave thinks that maybe they broke each other.