Ch
The dreams where becoming more and more vivid, each time more intense, as if everything I was seeing was real, as if I where living inside them.
Each morning I would awake feeling more desperate, my desire for freedom mounted each day. My dreams at night made the day tolerable, but a constant longing to return to them held a constant place in the forefront of my mind.
I always awoke with a start, disappointed that I had come back to the scorching reality of my pitiful life. Waking up always left me feeling empty. My life seemed so utterly pointless compared to that which I lived in my dreams. At night I allowed my thoughts to creep into the corners of my mind that where never to be opened during the day. Those that I knew others would deem insidiously improper.
I dreaded what others thought of me, feared knowing what they would think should someone see who I truly was. Deep down in my soul there was a girl waiting to be set free, fighting constantly against the current in the endless struggle of propriety. I lived in a world that had been created for me, by those who had great influence in the world I lived in, someone like my mother.
Lady Theresa was one of those women who believed she held everyone's best interests deep in her own heart. She was the one to subtly orchestrate ones life in such a way that no one would ever suspect her presence. So sly her my ways that to know the truth would astound the whole of her audience. Tianna's life was in her mothers' hands, and hers alone. So carefully had she been groomed since the day of her birth, that any thoughts that may stray ever so slightly from those she was taught to think, they would be deemed treasonous. To Lady Theresa any improper thought was treacherous, a slip of the tongue could be the end to any hope of an advantageous marriage. So finely groomed one's mind must be, there was only one ideology that was allowed to rule in the minds of those who entered into the intriguing world of Lady Theresa.
Ch
For seventeen long years I had been held captive by this world, and only in the past few months had I come to the utter realization that the life I had been lead to live was utterly absurd. It seemed to me so far from the reaches of any pleasurable form of lifestyle that it could not in any way be a life at all. So governed was it by the rules of propriety that I could no longer see myself continuing on in such a repressed state of existence. And so, at night I freed my mind to seek out and pursue any notion of what a life of release would entail. To belong to no one, to find a rootless existence so appealing that one could not bear to deny it. That was what I wanted most in life. I cared nothing for the self-gratification or that continuous desire to maintain a "holier-than-thou" air about oneself. It repulsed me to the point where even the thought of it caused me to become nauseous.
And yet I somehow endured this life everyday. Under the scrutinous eyes of onlookers I relented to the will of my mother, I somehow felt an overbearing sense of duty to her, one that I feared would remain unbroken. I found myself trembling at the prospect of allowing time to reduce my will and desire to transform my life into something meaningful into nothing more than a passing fancy. An idea to be pondered briefly and then dismissed, as if it had never held a place in my heart as something to act upon. To act as though the desire never existed. This is what I thought to be treasonous.
With no reasonable means of release I allowed myself daily to be paraded about. With all the decorum I could muster I would amuse courtiers and gentlemen alike. All in the name of propriety. I would allow myself to be laced into a corset so insidiously tight, that there where times when I passed out in earnest and not just to impress those observing me.
On a reasonably regular basis mother would take me out and show me to the world. She had taught me to believe that I was better than the common people that were so crucial to our style of living and she often delighted in flaunting me her position by taking me out. I felt that she did it to remind me that I was supposed to be better than everyone else, and she never once missed the opportunity to show me exactly what she wanted me to be.
These outings were not always miserable though. I often enjoyed being among the common people and wished ever more deeply to be like them. On many occasions mother and I would go into town to indulge in some shopping. We would spend money frivolously on small trinkets, jewels and fine fabrics. By the time I turned fourteen mother would often allow me to go out on my own and I'd use these rare outings to immerse myself in a far simpler life. On one outing I met a young lad by the name of Jonathan Parker. He was the son of a merchant whose fine fabrics I often purchased and I met him not so much by chance but of my own accord. I had noticed the young man in the back of the store and seeking an interest in him I deliberately purchased far more fabric than I could carry. After paying and packaging up my bundles and making a sorry attempt to carry it out myself the clerk summoned up young Mr. Parker to help me out with my purchases. After loading everything into my carriage he helped me in and kissed my hand as finely as any well-groomed gentleman ever had. I smiled and thanked him kindly. He turned to go but I beckoned to him to come back to the carriage.
"Please call on me sometime soon. I should be sore if I never see you again." I pulled a pencil and a small piece of paper from my purse and wrote my address on it handing it to him curtly. He took it smiling and replied,
"I needn't take this miss. I know where you live."
"You do?" I asked somewhat unsure of what he was implying.
"Of course, that is I know who you are. The whole town knows. You live in the mansion up on the hill, with your mother."
"Well then, you have no reason not to call. But do not venture to say you know me." I said choking slightly. I was so glad mother wasn't there to catch me being human, she'd have scolded me indefinitely.
"I shall call without a doubt miss." With a smile and a nod I replied and he closed the door. I felt as I never had before and was certain that I had made a friend. But mother could never find out that I associated with him.
He called some days later claiming to have a package for me. The package was taken and he was turned away by the doorman, but as luck would have it I was passing through the hall and called him in to tea. We talked as though we had known each other for a lifetime and as though the gap between our stations did not exist. I was sorry to see him leave but he assured me we would meet again.
We began seeing each other more and more often and in time began going on small adventures of our own. We spent much time down near the shores exploring coves and inlets that no one else knew about. We'd picnic in these caves, wishing and dreaming that we could run away together and never need to go back to the town. My favorite memories were of when we went swimming. One afternoon always stands out in my mind though. Johnathan and I had known each other for several years, and we were both at that time in our lives when love and marriage captivated our minds. I'd slipped off all my skirts and my bodice and, standing on the beach reaching around myself, stumbling around like a madman, I tried to untie the knot in the laces of my corset. Johnathan sat on the sand wearing only his trousers, laughing for a moment, then standing up he'd come up behind me and undo my laces. I always loved the feeling when my corset loosened off. I could breathe again. I felt his fingertips brushing the small of my back as he continued to unlace me. My corset finally slid to my feet. I smiled and breathed deeply looking out over the endless expanse of ocean before me. Johnathan was resting his chin on my shoulder, his arms were wrapped around my waist. I lifted my arms and slid my hands around his neck. We both stared out at the ocean for a long time, listening to it's ethereal calm and admiring it's endlessness. Johnathan broke the silence.
"Tianna," He whispered softly in my ear.
"I love you." I melted, my legs giving out, his strong arms around my waist the only thing holding me up. I tilted my head up and whispered in his ear.
"I love you too," I slid out of his arms and grabbed him by the hand.
"Come on!" I giggled as I led him down to the water's edge. I let go of his hand.
"I'll race you." He followed willingly and we both splashed into the crystal sea. We swam around and splashed each other, laughing hysterically, swallowing more seawater than we had both thought humanly possible. We go out only after we had lost feeling in our legs, and stumbling numbly up on shore we collapsed on the warm sandy beach. My chemise clung to every curve on my body, and I knew it, but I didn't care. We laid there like washed up fish, drying out under the hot sun. I closed my eyes and soaked in the warmth. I heard Johnathan roll over onto his side to face me. He was still for a couple of moments. I could feel his eyes wandering across my body. He laid back down, and after pausing for a moment he spoke up.
"Your waist," He paused,
"does it always stay like that?" I giggled under my breath. I rolled over, resting on my side, and opened my eyes.
"I can't remember a time when it wasn't like this." He rolled back onto his side to face me and softly placed his hand on the narrowest part of my waist.
"Oh, I always thought that when you take off your corset your body just goes back to it's normal shape." I smiled, what conversations we had. And about the most inappropriate things too. I couldn't think of one thing we'd done that day that hadn't been inappropriate though. He slid his hand further around my waist and pulled me closer to him. We both rolled onto our backs again, my cheek resting against his bare chest.
"I wish we could stay like this forever." He sighed.
"Me too. Me too." We laid there holding each other until the sun had baked us dry. The sun began creeping towards the horizon.
"We should go." I said reluctantly. We both got up slowly. I picked up my corset from where I had left it sitting on the sand and struggled again to lace myself back up.
"Here, let me." Johnathan said quietly. I felt the constraint of propriety tightening around me once again, and found myself wanting to tear it off. I took hold of my emotions though as Johnathan pulled the laces ever tighter. My waist thinned and cleavage swelled once again.
"This is ridiculous.!" I muttered.
"No, this is a corset." Johnathan replied. He always knew how to brighten my mood. He started tugging tighter and I could feel that he was having a hard time of it.
"How on earth!" He mumbled frustratedly.
"It's a lot easier when I have a bedpost to hang on to."
"Well there aren't any bedposts out here are there?"
"No…" I replied looking around for something to hold on to. There were trees on the bluff above us, but we couldn't risk being seen.
"Ah! I've got it!" I cried.
"I'm going to lay down on my stomach and you can stand over me and pull!"
"No, your right. This is ridiculous!" He replied as I laid down.
"I told you so." We both laughed. What a scene we must have been too. He finally got the laces tightened up properly and I got up.
"Thank-you." I replied in my most ladylike tone. We both burst out laughing. We eventually calmed ourselves down and continued dressing. I trudged over to my pile of skirts and started putting them back on, as Johnathan slipped into his billowy burgundy linen shirt. He stared at me incredulously.
"I could not imagine wearing so many layers at one time."
"Well I should certainly hope not." I made the most ridiculous looking face as I imagined him in petticoats. I tried to hold in my laughter, but there was just no stopping it.
"What?" He looked at me dumbly.
"What?"
"You! In petticoats!" We both burst out laughing again, and continued laughing until I could no longer breathe.
"Come on. We need to get going." I said finally. I slipped on my final skirt and hooked my bodice closed, bathed in the warm orange glow of the sunset. We walked back to town, holding hands as far as we dared.
Each time we parted he would kiss my hand finely, leaving me to wish he had been born of some suitable rank. Our secret affairs continued on and though I suspect gossip traveled mother never once scolded me for associating with him. Perhaps she saw it as an act of charity, perhaps not, but the answer has ever eluded me, and I must say that I remained content regardless.
Jonathan remained my only friend and confidant for many trying years. He knew of my dreams and my desire to leave the captivity I lived in. He made promises I knew he could never keep, but it was a comfort to know that he wished to help me as much as I wanted to help myself. Though he never helped me In the ways he had promised, he invested in my life, and took the time to learn who I really was, and that was more than I had ever expected anyone to do for me.