When You're Gone, a grey's anatomy fanfic

WHEN YOU'RE GONE

Disclaimer: You know the drill. I own nothing. Duh.

Info: Oneshot songfic. Meredith's thoughts when she and Derek have broken up in season 4 after Rose. MD implied. Title and Lyrics are from "When You're Gone" by Avril Lavigne.

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I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side

Alone. She was alone. Derek wasn't sure if he could wait and so she was alone. Meredith had never been afraid to be alone before; those years when her father wasn't there and her mother would rather save some stranger than stay home with her daughter had taught her that needing someone was a sign of weekness. Meredith needed no one. She gazed over at the other side of her bed. Something stopped her from sleeping on that side of the bed; she wouldn't allow herself to. It was his side.

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

Everything always happened to her. The bad always found her. Until she met Derek. The bad still happened; she still got hurt, but he was there. He had promised he would always show up. Even if he yells, even if she yells, he'd show up. But he didn't. And she needed him to. Her independence and stubbornness which were in her blood wouldn't let her tell him that without a struggle, but that didn't mean she didn't need him.

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

Meredith loved him in a big, hold a radio over her head, let him eat the last piece of cheesecake way that made her hate him love him. And no matter how much she tried to deny it, how hard she tried to move on and be happy, to stop loving him, her heart wouldn't let her. Because Derek had part of her heart. And she needed him with her. Meredith needed to hear him tell her he loved her, that he'd always show up, that he was her knight in shining whatever. But she had pushed him away. She wouldn't let him say it. And now she missed him.

I never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

Never before had Meredith been in a real relationship like hers with Derek had been. She'd never known the feeling of real love for another person. And now, as it slipped away from her, all she could think about was him. Everything reminded her of him. Memories seemed to be seeping into her conciousness from everything in her house, everything she associated with him. The rain. The ferryboats. His clothes he forgot on the floor and in the drawer she had 'given' him while they were together but he forgot to take back. It was all she could do to not to sit there in her room, listening to the rain patter against the window, smelling his clothes. Of course, they no longer held his scent, but in her mind, she was able to imagine smelling his cologne, the scent of his hair gel. She missed him.

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take

Why is it that no matter how hard she tried, she could never just let him in? Always afraid that he'd leave her, even as he promised her that he wanted to marry her, to have that house, that life together. Even as the words came out of his mouth, she could picture him walking away again. As he had done before. People never really change, she thought. He'd try, but he'd get bored with her, and leave her. Leave her as everyone else had left her beforehand. And so as he walked away, she counted the steps that he took, watching him; always hoping that this wouldn't be the last time, their last chance.

Do you see how much I need you right now?

She could never allow herself to tell him; the walls were too high; but Meredith needed Derek to be there. She needed to know that no matter what happened, he'd still lie there next to her in bed, that he'd still be downstairs making breakfast. Maybe she was so dark and twisty that she couldn't express herself, but she needed to know that he was a constant in her life. She needed that reassurance. And he took it away from her. Because he wasn't there. He wouldn't be there.

She may have trouble expressing it, but she needed him. Meredith loved him and her heart ached for him when he wasn't there. She walked down the hallways of Seattle Grace and saw him, his smiling face and her heart broke into little pieces all over again. She needed to lie in his arms, listening to him promising her that he loved her and that they would have forever. But she couldn't have that anymore. And she missed him.

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah Yeah

Meredith and Derek were meant to be. Not Meredith and McVet. Not Derek and McNurse. But Meredith and Derek. They were meant to be. So why was it that Derek was off with a nurse while Meredith stayed at home crying in Christina's arms?

All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
Yeah

Meredith might not have been able to tell him how much she loved him, but she did. She loved him so much. In everything she does, she gives her heart and soul. And now, he had walked away with her heart and she could hardly breathe she needed him so badly.

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
mMm

It all comes down to this..she loves him. And when he isn't there, when his promises of love aren't there? She misses him..