"Precious Illusions" by Miss Pataki
Another song fic based on an Alanis Morissette song
Disclaimer: I don't own Hey Arnold!. Craig Bartlett, Nickelodeon and Viacom do. I think. Also, I don't own "Precious Illusions". Somebody else wrote the lyrics. I'm just using them here. I think that's it.
A/N: The first part's a bit long before getting to the actual song, but I think it's a good set-up for the lyrics.
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"I love you…"
Helga Pataki, seventeen, sat at her desk in the back row of Miss Valentine's Literature class and breathed the words silently to herself. In front of her sat the boy she'd loved since she was three. Fourteen years spent swooning over him, hoping he'd finally look her way. And in a way he had. Ever since Scheck threatened to tear down his neighborhood and Helga had come to Arnold's rescue, he had begun to rely on her as a friend. It wasn't easy of course. At first Helga had tried to fend him off, in fear that he might uncover her secret. She'd done everything possible, but he wouldn't quit trying to talk to her. It was impossible to shut him out. Helga did her best to ignore him, as she had no means of really getting rid of him. Well, until eighth grade.
Helga noticed the boy who sat across from her in math class did seem to be quite taken by the new, monobrow-less her. She jumped at her chance and asked him out. They dated for a few months, but she didn't find the same sparks with him that she did with her beloved. Arnold acted like he was happy for her, but she could see he was a bit sad. Helga didn't want to be the cause of his unhappiness, so she dumped the guy. Then came Chad during freshman year. Tall, kinda hunky and on the football team at Hillwood High. He was looking for a blonde girlfriend ("More like a Brittany," Helga had scoffed.) and for some strange reason, he picked Helga. She had to admit, he was more charming than she had thought. Of course, that was before he started making advances on her in his father's pick-up truck. Helga did everything to stop him, but she knew he could easily over-power her. All seemed lost. Luckily, her blonde angel was walking down the street at the exact moment. He saw what was going on, marched right up to the truck, pulled open the door and grabbed Chad by the shoulder.
"Leave her alone," he spat at the tall quarterback. Helga jumped out the other door while Chad confronted the pipsqueak who dared to challenge him. Helga witnessed the whole thing and had to admit, Arnold did manage to hold his own quite well. That alone wasn't good enough though and Arnold ended up with a black eye. Nevertheless, he was Helga's hero. She thanked him over and over again for saving her, telling him he could have a free cell from her father's store, but Arnold declined. All he wanted in payment was to be friends with her. She couldn't help but comply. They were best friends all sophomore year and both knew their friendship had to be meant to be. Phoebe had advanced to the rank of a senior and with so much going on, she rarely had time for her friend. Gerald, on the other hand, was completely obsessed with girls and sports. He'd quickly gained the jock persona and just as quickly, his friendship with Arnold began to slide. Arnold and Helga didn't have anyone in the world to turn to but each other. Sometimes, she thought that's what made them such good friends.
Things were more or less the same at the start of junior year. Until she showed up. Her name was Amy and she was a chameleon. One minute she'd be quiet and reflective. The next, she was the center of attention, demonstrating the latest Britney moves. She took a strange interest in Arnold, always talking to him and asking him to help her with schoolwork. It wasn't long before nearly all his and Helga's phone conversations dwindled to a few sentences.
"Hey Arnold, are we still on for seeing 'Eight-Legged Freaks 2'? I heard there's lots more spiders now."
"Sorry, Helga. Amy wants me to help her with her Algebra homework."
"Oh, well, okay. See ya, I guess."
Helga had to take action. She had to put a stop to Amy once and for all. Maybe it was crazy, but Helga was in love, and we all do crazy things when we're desperate. As Miss Valentine droned on about Lord of the Flies, Helga passed Arnold a note.
Arnold, meet me at Gerald Field right after school. It's urgent. ~Helga
"What have I got to lose?" Helga thought as she lay back in her seat.
You'll rescue me, right? In the exact same way they never did. I'll be happy, right? When your healing powers kick in. You'll complete me, right? Then, my life can finally begin. I'll be worthy, right? Only when you realize the gem I am.
"I mean, I can't just let him continue to kneel to her every whim, like Lila in fourth grade. I can't solve it by sabotaging the Tunnel of Love anymore. I have to attack the situation full-force, even if I don't know the magnitude it'll have on Arnold. But I have to do it. I can't be the third wheel forever…"
But this won't work out the way it once did and I won't keep it up, even though I would love to. Once I know who I'm not, then I will know who I am, but I know I won't keep one playing the victim.
As Miss Valentine wrote down the homework on the board, Helga crossed her arms and started to day dream.
"I love you too, Helga…"
She shook her head. "That's gotta go. It'll be hard, but I have to get used to the idea of not coming up with these weird fantasies, whether he likes me or not. Even if they were what fueled me all these years…"
These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless. And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends.
The bell signaling school was over rang. As everyone shuffled out of the classroom, Helga lingered a bit longer. She reached into her backpack and pulled out her lucky charm. It was a cheap plastic ring she'd got when she was a little kid. The Urban Tots preschool class went on a field trip to the local supermarket to learn about different careers. As they entered through the sliding doors, Helga couldn't resist straying at the toy vending machines near the entrance. She reached in her pocket for a quarter, but couldn't find one.
"Hewe." Arnold smiled and held out a shiny new quarter. He placed it in the machine and out popped a clear container. He handed it to the astonished Helga. "My gwandpa gave it to me to get something, but you'll have mowe fun with a silly wing than I would." Helga nodded and opened the container. Out tumbled a poorly made pink ring. "Look. It's pink like youw bow and youw pants. It looks pwetty." He smiled and ran after the group. Helga just swooned.
Helga broke from her dream and slipped it onto her pinkie, smiling.
This ring will help me yet, as will you, knight in shining armor.
By the time Helga exited the building, the halls were empty. She could feel a headache coming on, so she popped an aspirin in her mouth before continuing on to Gerald field.
What could she possibly say to him to convince him that her feelings were true? How she dumped whatever-his-name-was in eighth grade because she thought Arnold was just a tad jealous? Maybe. What about how he saved her from that creep, Chad two years ago? Of course he'd remember that.
"Relying on your ex-boyfriends to help you convince a guy you love him, eh?" Helga wondered aloud. "How low can you get?"
This pill will help me yet, as will these boys gone through like water.
Gerald Field sat dead ahead. No sign of Arnold yet, so Helga sat down on the bleachers and started to practice what she would say.
"Arnold, I know this is really sudden, but I…I love you. Crazy, huh? I know you think I'm really weird, but just hear me out. I've loved you for a long time. I've been trying to hide it for fourteen years, but I can't anymore. I had to decide whether to keep my love a secret forever or live free, knowing that you know how I feel. We're both young, and I don't expect some kind of affection in return for my feelings, but I don't want to stay the girl just outside the circle you share with Lila or Amy or whoever…"
But this won't work as well as the way it once did 'cos I want to decide between survival and bliss. And though I know who I'm not, I still don't know who I am. But I know I won't keep on playing the victim.
"Now, before you go thinking this is just a silly schoolgirl crush, I…well, I'm obsessed with you. I'm not as addicted as I was when I was younger. And don't worry, I'm not a semi-stalker…anymore. Ever since pre-school, I've kept up an always-changing shrine in my closet. I even once made a bust of your head using your old gum. And that pink book you and Gerald found in fourth grade? It was mine. I've changed a lot since then though. The shrine is gone. I saved some of it in a box, but otherwise, I just gave it up. I don't write such cheesy poems now, either. In fact, all I really have left is my locket. I still have your picture in it. I guess it was just too much for me to part with it."
These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid and parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend.
"So you're thinking, 'she's a freak', right? And I admit, I sound a bit kooky from what I've just told you, but you aren't just something I worship anymore. It may have started that way, but I know deep down, that I sincerely love you. I love you because you're kind to everyone. I love you because you always do the right thing, even if it doesn't always benefit you. I love you because you never frown; you're always smiling even in tough situations. I love you because you're the only person who really cares about me. But most of all, I love you simply because you're you. Arnold, I love you…"
I've spent so much time firmly looking outside me. I've spent so much time in survival mode.
"I love you too, Helga." Helga froze and turned around. Arnold stood there, smiling.
"Arnold, I- I…"
"I've loved you for a long time. I guess I was just shy about telling you. I mean, what if you didn't feel the same way about me?" he said softly. He looked at her shocked expression. "You're looking at me like I'm not real, Helga."
"Sorry," she sputtered, taking his outstretched hand. "It's just over-whelming. I didn't know you…you know. So…you don't like Amy?"
"Are you kidding? She's not truthful. Everything she does is just to fit in with everyone else. She's not the brilliant Helga I know," he smiled. "So…do you still wanna go see 'Eight-Legged Freaks 2'? Someone told me there were even more spiders."
"Are you asking me out?" Helga asked.
"It sounds weird when you say it that way, but yeah," Arnold replied.
"I'll go on one condition."
"What's that?"
"Pinch me." He laughed before complying. She opened her eyes. "Okay. Let's go," she said, linking her arm with his, her precious, non-illusion.
These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid. And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend.