THREE MCs AND ONE CHIMERA
By Sean Gaffney
Slayers (C) lotsa people whose names I'll look up before this goes to RAAC.
Author's Note: This is not meant to be taken remotely seriously. All
comments welcome nevertheless. I honestly don't know where I get these ideas.
Zelgadis was having a particularly unpleasant evening. Lacking any
pressing affairs, Lina and the gang had stopped at a local tavern.
Unfortunately, they were low on food, but they did have a copious supply of
alcohol. Lina and Gourry therefore decided to fill up their stomachs with
liquor since they couldn't fill them with food.
Then the manager, presumably sensing a few pigeons in his roost, offered
them a chance to sample his new concoction, a canned alcohol he had dubbed
"Sadder But Wiser". Zelgadis knew enough about locals and stills to not go
within ten feet of the stuff. Unfortunately, the manager had implied that he
would take it as a personal offense if they didn't try it. That got Amelia
into the mix. Now, two hours later, she had shown her alcohol tolerance to be
as abysmal as Zelgadis expected. She was currently trying to debate justice
with him, while Lina and Gourry took turns insulting each other and belching.
Clearly, it was time to call it a night. Zelgadis got up with much
seriousness and pointed sighing - making a point was useless unless the point
was noticed.
"Zelgadis-san, do you need to pee or something?" Amelia murmured as he
stood. He flushed momentarily, but recovered his poise.
"I'm going to bed. Quite frankly, there's no real reason for me to stay
up and watch the three of you get more and more inebriated."
The response wasn't quite what he'd hoped.
"Does Zel even need to pee? I mean, he is a golem-chimera-thing."
"Yeah. We don't even know if he's equipped or anything. If he's a
statue... well..."
"You two don't say such things about Zelgadis-san! He's as male as
anyone else!"
"Hehehe... you'd certainly know, after all the times you've landed on
his-- "
"Lina-san!!!"
"Huh? What do you mean?"
Zel was having difficulty now not turning cherry red. He should have
known that trying to reason with them would be useless. Instead he stoically
said, "You three need to learn to grow up." After which he ascended to his
room, ready to forget this day ever existed.
***
Lina peered after the angry chimera, then sank back down to her chair.
"Che... guy can't ever relax."
Amelia wasn't as quick to turn away. "Zelgadis-san..."
Gourry was still confused. "What did you mean about Amelia falling
on..."
Lina whacked him in the head. "Enough! That's not the issue anymore.
Zel's such a party pooper these days! Every time we relax and try to have fun
he's always saying "Grow up!" or "Get serious!" Why should I want to be as
serious as him!"
Lina's rant was interrupted by her stomach growling. "Grr... oi,
bartender, more of this But Wiser stuff!"
Three more drinks later, Lina was still grumbling.
"Guy's spent his entire life being all cool and macho... bet that's why
he's so serious, he wouldn't know fun it it bit him on the ass!"
Gourry nodded, doing his usual job of agreeing with whatever Lina said.
"I mean, Amelia may be a tight-ass too at times..."
"Hey! Lina-san, you're mean!"
"...but at least she can sit here with us and party. Not be constantly
on the go about cures or quests or stuff. I love adventure, but you gotta
stop and smell the lilies on the way!"
"Roses, Lina-san. You smell lilies when you die" Amelia said pointedly.
She was starting to feel a little sarky after all this alcohol.
"Whatever! Zel doesn't know what fun is. We need to explain it to him."
Gourry pointed upstairs. "He's gone to bed."
Lina got up, tilted to the left, then righted herself. "I know! That
jackass! He doesn't know what he's missing! Oi! Bartender!"
The bartender came over smiling, two more cans in his hand. "Yes, miss?"
"You're a bar, right? You may be out of food, but there's gotta be
something besides alcohol to keep people here..."
***
Zelgadis moaned and turned over, deep in another dream involving Rezo
cursing him. He then came closer to consciousness after hearing a scraping
sound by the door. Sitting up, he called out. "Who's there?"
The answer was a loud musical clash that appeared directly in his left
ear. If it had been softer, it might have been called music. As it was, it
was just a guitar riff of noise. Some sort of torture, obviously. Zel
scrambled out of bed and reached for the light, but someone beat him to he.
He was momentarily blinded by the glare.
That was when Lina screamed in his other ear.
"KICK IT!"
The guitar got louder, if that was possible. Gourry was holding it, Zel
saw now, doing an adequate job of making it the most mind-hammeringly annoying
thing he'd ever heard. Then Lina was in his face again.
o/~ You wake up late for school - man you don't wanna go! o/~
Lina was positively reeking of alcohol, and had one of the tavern's cans
in her hand. Zelgadis turned, only to find Amelia on his other side.
o/~ You ask you mom, "Please?" - but she still says, "No!" o/~
They were both grinning, and weren't so much screaming as shouting to the
rhythm. Zel fell back against the bed, stunned at what he was seeing.
o/~ You missed two classes - and no homework o/~
They were enjoying this, he could tell - Lina was taking sips of liquor
between verses.
o/~ But your teacher preaches class like you're some kind of jerk o/~
Suddenly the two of them grapped him by the neck and pulled him to their
faces.
o/~ You gotta fight! For your right! To party! o/~
Zel was on the bed now, as Gourry continued to play more of that annoying
guitar riff. Why were they doing this? Merely to irritate him? It was
working. Amelia grabbed him and forced a can into his hand.
o/~ Your pop caught you smoking - and he said, "No way!" o/~
He threw the can across the room, but Lina merely handed him another one,
winking.
o/~ That hypocrite - smokes two packs a day o/~
They weren't letting up, so Zel attempted to leave the room. Gourry must
have been warned about this, however, and manoeuvred himself in front of the
door, playing all the while. Amelia dragged him back to the bed.
o/~ Man, living at home is such a drag o/~
Oh God... he just realized what they were doing. Lina grabbed his face
and turned it towards her.
o/~ Now your mom threw away your best porno mag o/~
"Lina-san!" Amelia burst out, shocked, but managed to recover long enough
for the chorus.
o/~ You gotta fight! For your right! To party! o/~
They had gotten annoyed with his condemnation of their evening and had
decided to show him what a good time was. And because they were completely
hammered, they decided to do it this way. Next time he made grand gestures,
he'd spend the evening in a tree.
o/~ Don't step out of this house if that's the clothes you're gonna wear
o/~
Lina was at it again, shimmying back and forth to the guitar, barely able
to stand vertically. Amelia slid across the bed, grabbing hold of Zel's hair
momentarily before she yelped and snatched her hand away.
o/~ I'll kick you out of my home if you don't cut that hair o/~
They were totally gone now, not even waiting for each other to finish,
just trading words back and forth.
o/~ Your mom busted in and said, "What's that noise?" o/~
They grabbed him simultaneously, Lina going so far as to climb on his
shoulders.
o/~ Aw, mom you're just jealous - it's the Beastie Boys! o/~
Amelia, annoyed, climbed onto his back as well. "Hey!" he cried,
stumbling forward, narrowly missing Gourry. The two were swaying back and
forth, making him lose his balance.
o/~ You gotta fight! o/~
They were headed for the wall. "Look out!" Zel screamed out.
o/~ For your right! o/~
And then Zel hit the wall, head first.
***
Lina and Amelia had fallen on top of Zel, but barely noticed.
o/~ To paaaaaaarty! o/~
Gourry finsihed playing and joined them, slumping against the wall.
"Whoooooooo!" Lina yelled, then looked down. "He's passed out."
"I think we smashed him against the wall, Lina-san." Amelia pointed out,
aiming her hand in the vague direction of the wall behind her.
"Whatever," Lina shrugged. "The important thing is we showed him how to
have a good time! Right?!"
"Right!!!" Amelia and Gourry shouted. Then all three fell back and
joined Zelgadis in blissful slumber.
The bartender came up a few minutes later to rescue his guitar. He
glanced over at the group on the floor, smiled, then turned to go back down
the stairs. A hand clutched his ankle, however."
"Oi," a muzzy Lina murmured. "What's in that canned stuff anyway?"
The bartender smiled. "That... is a secret."
END
By Sean Gaffney
Slayers (C) lotsa people whose names I'll look up before this goes to RAAC.
Author's Note: This is not meant to be taken remotely seriously. All
comments welcome nevertheless. I honestly don't know where I get these ideas.
Zelgadis was having a particularly unpleasant evening. Lacking any
pressing affairs, Lina and the gang had stopped at a local tavern.
Unfortunately, they were low on food, but they did have a copious supply of
alcohol. Lina and Gourry therefore decided to fill up their stomachs with
liquor since they couldn't fill them with food.
Then the manager, presumably sensing a few pigeons in his roost, offered
them a chance to sample his new concoction, a canned alcohol he had dubbed
"Sadder But Wiser". Zelgadis knew enough about locals and stills to not go
within ten feet of the stuff. Unfortunately, the manager had implied that he
would take it as a personal offense if they didn't try it. That got Amelia
into the mix. Now, two hours later, she had shown her alcohol tolerance to be
as abysmal as Zelgadis expected. She was currently trying to debate justice
with him, while Lina and Gourry took turns insulting each other and belching.
Clearly, it was time to call it a night. Zelgadis got up with much
seriousness and pointed sighing - making a point was useless unless the point
was noticed.
"Zelgadis-san, do you need to pee or something?" Amelia murmured as he
stood. He flushed momentarily, but recovered his poise.
"I'm going to bed. Quite frankly, there's no real reason for me to stay
up and watch the three of you get more and more inebriated."
The response wasn't quite what he'd hoped.
"Does Zel even need to pee? I mean, he is a golem-chimera-thing."
"Yeah. We don't even know if he's equipped or anything. If he's a
statue... well..."
"You two don't say such things about Zelgadis-san! He's as male as
anyone else!"
"Hehehe... you'd certainly know, after all the times you've landed on
his-- "
"Lina-san!!!"
"Huh? What do you mean?"
Zel was having difficulty now not turning cherry red. He should have
known that trying to reason with them would be useless. Instead he stoically
said, "You three need to learn to grow up." After which he ascended to his
room, ready to forget this day ever existed.
***
Lina peered after the angry chimera, then sank back down to her chair.
"Che... guy can't ever relax."
Amelia wasn't as quick to turn away. "Zelgadis-san..."
Gourry was still confused. "What did you mean about Amelia falling
on..."
Lina whacked him in the head. "Enough! That's not the issue anymore.
Zel's such a party pooper these days! Every time we relax and try to have fun
he's always saying "Grow up!" or "Get serious!" Why should I want to be as
serious as him!"
Lina's rant was interrupted by her stomach growling. "Grr... oi,
bartender, more of this But Wiser stuff!"
Three more drinks later, Lina was still grumbling.
"Guy's spent his entire life being all cool and macho... bet that's why
he's so serious, he wouldn't know fun it it bit him on the ass!"
Gourry nodded, doing his usual job of agreeing with whatever Lina said.
"I mean, Amelia may be a tight-ass too at times..."
"Hey! Lina-san, you're mean!"
"...but at least she can sit here with us and party. Not be constantly
on the go about cures or quests or stuff. I love adventure, but you gotta
stop and smell the lilies on the way!"
"Roses, Lina-san. You smell lilies when you die" Amelia said pointedly.
She was starting to feel a little sarky after all this alcohol.
"Whatever! Zel doesn't know what fun is. We need to explain it to him."
Gourry pointed upstairs. "He's gone to bed."
Lina got up, tilted to the left, then righted herself. "I know! That
jackass! He doesn't know what he's missing! Oi! Bartender!"
The bartender came over smiling, two more cans in his hand. "Yes, miss?"
"You're a bar, right? You may be out of food, but there's gotta be
something besides alcohol to keep people here..."
***
Zelgadis moaned and turned over, deep in another dream involving Rezo
cursing him. He then came closer to consciousness after hearing a scraping
sound by the door. Sitting up, he called out. "Who's there?"
The answer was a loud musical clash that appeared directly in his left
ear. If it had been softer, it might have been called music. As it was, it
was just a guitar riff of noise. Some sort of torture, obviously. Zel
scrambled out of bed and reached for the light, but someone beat him to he.
He was momentarily blinded by the glare.
That was when Lina screamed in his other ear.
"KICK IT!"
The guitar got louder, if that was possible. Gourry was holding it, Zel
saw now, doing an adequate job of making it the most mind-hammeringly annoying
thing he'd ever heard. Then Lina was in his face again.
o/~ You wake up late for school - man you don't wanna go! o/~
Lina was positively reeking of alcohol, and had one of the tavern's cans
in her hand. Zelgadis turned, only to find Amelia on his other side.
o/~ You ask you mom, "Please?" - but she still says, "No!" o/~
They were both grinning, and weren't so much screaming as shouting to the
rhythm. Zel fell back against the bed, stunned at what he was seeing.
o/~ You missed two classes - and no homework o/~
They were enjoying this, he could tell - Lina was taking sips of liquor
between verses.
o/~ But your teacher preaches class like you're some kind of jerk o/~
Suddenly the two of them grapped him by the neck and pulled him to their
faces.
o/~ You gotta fight! For your right! To party! o/~
Zel was on the bed now, as Gourry continued to play more of that annoying
guitar riff. Why were they doing this? Merely to irritate him? It was
working. Amelia grabbed him and forced a can into his hand.
o/~ Your pop caught you smoking - and he said, "No way!" o/~
He threw the can across the room, but Lina merely handed him another one,
winking.
o/~ That hypocrite - smokes two packs a day o/~
They weren't letting up, so Zel attempted to leave the room. Gourry must
have been warned about this, however, and manoeuvred himself in front of the
door, playing all the while. Amelia dragged him back to the bed.
o/~ Man, living at home is such a drag o/~
Oh God... he just realized what they were doing. Lina grabbed his face
and turned it towards her.
o/~ Now your mom threw away your best porno mag o/~
"Lina-san!" Amelia burst out, shocked, but managed to recover long enough
for the chorus.
o/~ You gotta fight! For your right! To party! o/~
They had gotten annoyed with his condemnation of their evening and had
decided to show him what a good time was. And because they were completely
hammered, they decided to do it this way. Next time he made grand gestures,
he'd spend the evening in a tree.
o/~ Don't step out of this house if that's the clothes you're gonna wear
o/~
Lina was at it again, shimmying back and forth to the guitar, barely able
to stand vertically. Amelia slid across the bed, grabbing hold of Zel's hair
momentarily before she yelped and snatched her hand away.
o/~ I'll kick you out of my home if you don't cut that hair o/~
They were totally gone now, not even waiting for each other to finish,
just trading words back and forth.
o/~ Your mom busted in and said, "What's that noise?" o/~
They grabbed him simultaneously, Lina going so far as to climb on his
shoulders.
o/~ Aw, mom you're just jealous - it's the Beastie Boys! o/~
Amelia, annoyed, climbed onto his back as well. "Hey!" he cried,
stumbling forward, narrowly missing Gourry. The two were swaying back and
forth, making him lose his balance.
o/~ You gotta fight! o/~
They were headed for the wall. "Look out!" Zel screamed out.
o/~ For your right! o/~
And then Zel hit the wall, head first.
***
Lina and Amelia had fallen on top of Zel, but barely noticed.
o/~ To paaaaaaarty! o/~
Gourry finsihed playing and joined them, slumping against the wall.
"Whoooooooo!" Lina yelled, then looked down. "He's passed out."
"I think we smashed him against the wall, Lina-san." Amelia pointed out,
aiming her hand in the vague direction of the wall behind her.
"Whatever," Lina shrugged. "The important thing is we showed him how to
have a good time! Right?!"
"Right!!!" Amelia and Gourry shouted. Then all three fell back and
joined Zelgadis in blissful slumber.
The bartender came up a few minutes later to rescue his guitar. He
glanced over at the group on the floor, smiled, then turned to go back down
the stairs. A hand clutched his ankle, however."
"Oi," a muzzy Lina murmured. "What's in that canned stuff anyway?"
The bartender smiled. "That... is a secret."
END