Inside the Slasher Studio: Episode One—"If Michael Myers Could Talk"
Disclaimer: I do not in any way, shape or form own Michael Myers—he is the property of Debra Hill and John Carpenter. This goes, too, for other characters from the "Halloween" movies and "A Nightmare on Elm Street." Soledad Ramierez, however, is my own creation (as is the UCUCUC)--for purely satirical purposes. There may also be SPOILERS for the aforementioned movies, so I just thought I'd mention it. All opinions stated herein are mainly speculative and not necessarily the opinions of the author, John Carpenter, Debra Hill, or even the characters. I do not make any money from writing this—please do not sue me. Hopefully, I can also make a point or two about certain aspects of the slasher genre, but, really, I'm just trying to be funny. This is art for art's sake. Thank you, and enjoy.
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(Lights up, on a bare set in a public-access TV studio. Soledad Ramierez, in an off-white dress and with obvious highlights, sits prim and proper in a cozy chair opposite Michael Myers, who is also seated in his own cozy chair and sitting very still. Visibly excited and bursting with pride, Soledad turns to address the viewers at home.)
Host: Hello, everyone. I'm your host, Soledad Ramierez, and I'm pleased to welcome you all to "Inside the Slasher Studio." We're in for quite a treat, slasher-fans, as our guest tonight, the infamous and legendary Michael Myers, has agreed to grant us an exclusive interview—his very first actual sit-down interview since he shot to slasher-stardom over 30 years ago. Mr. Myers, it is an honor, sir.
(Michael Myers nods. Someone coughs. Soledad realizes that Michael Myers is clearing his throat.)
Myers: You'll have to excuse me—I'm a little congested.
Host: Oh, I see. Well, then, let's get started, shall we?
Myers: Yes, please.
Host: (excited) Wonderful! Mr. Myers, it goes without saying that you are one of the brighter stars and seasoned veterans of slasher villainy—and, if you'll pardon my German, one of the distinctly more bad-ass rampage killers in cinema history.
Myers: Actually, I prefer the term "selective rampage killer." It's a bit more accurate in describing my particular line of work…
Host: Of course, sir. But you are still bad-ass, if I may say so?
(Pause. Michael Myers stares at Soledad, his fingers interlocked, slowly tapping his thumbs together.)
Myers: One could argue that, I suppose.
Host: I always do, sir--even when I'm not prompted! (laughs) Anyway, my first question to you is, what is your primary motivation as a supernatural rampage killer?
(Pause. Michael Myers sighs deeply.)
Myers: For starters, Soledad, there is very little that is "supernatural" about my work. Each murder is essentially the result of ordinary, quite straightforward physical violence and general mayhem. Boosted, of course, by my deceptively powerful physique.
Host: (eager) Yes, I see.
(Pause. Michael Myers stares at Soledad.)
Host: I'm sorry, sir. Please, go on.
Myers: Secondly, "motivation"… is more of an actor's term, and I am most definitely not an actor.
Host: Oh, of course not, sir, of course not. Let me rephrase the question--let's see… What, then, do you consider to be your reasoning behind your brutal killings of all those people, primarily teenagers?
Myers: Well, to put it honestly, my primary purpose as a selective rampage killer is to uphold the status quo for Traditional American Values.
Host: Traditional American Values?
Myers: Yes. According to the Traditional American Values, as set down by the Uber-Conservative Uber-Christian Uber-Coalition—
Host: —UCUCUC—
Myers: (ignoring her) —the status quo runs thusly: "All teenagers, regardless of gender, must devote themselves to Godly Living, particularly through simple prayer and abstinence until lawful marriage. Swearing, Underage Drug-Use, Underage Imbibing of Alcohol, Habitual Practicing of the Seven Deadly Sins, and especially Extramarital Sexual Relations are all offenses to Godly Living and are expressly punishable by death. So it is written in the Book of Leviticus."
(Awkward pause, as Soledad considers this information.)
Host: Um, forgive me, sir, but I don't recall Leviticus specifically saying anything about drug-use being punishable by death.
Myers: It's a matter of interpretation.
Host: Oh. All right. Go on.
Myers: As I was saying, all professional slasher villains are oath-bound to uphold said status quo and to mercilessly pursue and slaughter all such offenders. So you see, Soledad, I don't kill everyone—just the ones that deserve it. That's why I'm "selective."
Host: I see. And what of your family, Mr. Myers? Are you pursuing them as violators of the status quo? Do you see yourself, then, as a modern Orestes, out to destroy the evil House of Atrius that is your family?
(Pause.)
Myers: One could say that, I suppose. Especially if you believe that whole disgusting "Curse of Thorn" business… Yuck.
(Michael Myers twitches slightly.)
Host: What of Rachel Carruthers, though? I don't think she ever did anything particularly immoral, according to the status quo…
Myers: (remembering) Rachel…was living in sin with her female "roommate." And she did not devote herself to Godly Living by such acts as simple prayer. And she was an exhibitionist who didn't have the decency to change in her bathroom where nobody hiding in her closet could see her naughty bits.
(Pause. Soledad isn't sure she wants to pursue how he knows that last bit of information.)
Host: Uh-huh. And Jamie, your niece? Why did you attack her?
Myers: She was more of a stool pigeon. Saw too much.
Host: I see. And the dogs? Why do you attack dogs? Why not cats?
Myers: Cats are too stringy. I'm also somewhat allergic to their dander.
Host: (impressed) Fascinating. Fascinating and awful.
Myers: It's a filthy business, but it has to get done.
Host: Don't you mean, "It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it"?
(Pause. Michael Myers stares at Soledad.)
Host: Sorry, bad reference. Moving on. How do you feel about the effects and work of other slasher villains, such as Hollywood Heavyweights Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger?
Myers: I will say this in defense of young Mr. Voorhees; despite his greenness and lack of technique, Jason does some quality work as a selective rampage killer, perhaps because of his intense misanthropy, which I highly commend him for. Total, all-consuming hatred of humanity is one of the key basics of selective rampage killing, and Jason has that down pat. His mother taught him well.
Host: Yes, Pamela Voorhees--a good mother and an excellent influence, if I may say so, sir.
Myers: Fred Krueger, on the other hand, is nothing but a glorified child-murdering, child-molesting, pusillanimous burn victim who simply screws with his victims' dreams before killing them. In their sleep. Where is the valor in killing people in their sleep, when their fear can't even fully register in their eyes? What, I ask you, is the point of slaughtering promiscuous teenagers if they are asleep and if nobody but some ditzy, coffee-swilling Final Girl knows you did it? And she's not even alive, anyway? Where, if you'll pardon my Spanish, is the cojones in that? Nowhere, that's where.
Host: I'm sensing a lot of hostility towards Mr. Krueger.
Myers: Krueger is a pathetic joke. And is damn near ruining it for the rest of us. He tries to uphold the status quo, and yes, he kills off the lapsed-Christian sexpots with gusto. However, he is still a lascivious, weak-willed PERVERT, who not only cannot keep himself out from between the Final Girl's legs, but who ALSO gets his rocks off threatening the Final Girl's virginity—which is going WAY too far, considering that she is UNDER AGE and no doubt saving herself for marriage, which any good Christian girl should, according to the status quo.
Host: Forgive me, Mr. Myers, but I'm a bit confused. How, exactly, is Mr. Krueger's work not a validation of the status quo?
Myers: Practitioners of selective rampage killing, as I've said before, uphold the status quo according to Traditional American Values. As such, selective rampage killers are expected to present themselves as cold, unfeeling, sterile authority figures to be simultaneously feared and respected. Nowhere in the status quo does it specifically condone adults of any stripe, slasher villain or no, engaging in Extramarital Sexual Relations with any children under the age of 18 years old. Of course, Krueger would argue that the status quo says nothing whatsoever against "serious flirtation" with children under the age of 18 years old. But I ask you, Soledad, how can you possibly respect a child-molester?
Host: I can't say that I can, sir.
Myers: Precisely. The most effective way to instill fear and respect, in my experience—and Jason's done well to pick up on this, too—is to know when to keep your mouth shut and simply exude menace. Keep all your cards to yourself. Verbal threats are dead giveaways—the height of immaturity and unprofessionalism.
Host: With all due respect, sir, it has been argued that sometimes slasher victims are so stupid they may actually need it spelled out for them.
(Pause. Michael Myers stares menacingly at Soledad.)
Host: Yipes…
Myers: I believe I've made my point.
Host: So, wait. Back up. Am I to understanding that, in Mr. Krueger's attempts to uphold the status quo, you are saying that he is also violating the status quo himself, by making sexual threats—which are interpreted as encouragement for Extramarital Sexual Relations?
Myers: Exactly. In threatening the virginity of god-fearing Christian children, he is directly undermining our entire purpose. Krueger may be a violent bastard out of hell, but as far as selective rampage killing goes, he's an absolute disgrace to the profession. Idiot.
Host: Strong words, sir, but quite compelling, too.
Myers: There's no guts in anything he does. He can never roll with the gunshots—he has to rig things, plan everything out so meticulously that the average quarry doesn't stand a chance in hell of surviving on their own merits. The craven coward…
Host: He never gives them a sporting chance?
Myers: Never.
Host: Fascinating. Well, sir, we're coming up on the end of our program. Do you have anything else you'd like to share with us about the profession of selective rampage killing? What is the secret of your success in this field?
Myers: If I may employ a synecdoche for explanatory purposes?
Host: I don't see why not, sir.
Myers: To be completely blunt, I am an asshole. And that is the whole reason I can say all of this to you—because it takes an asshole to know an asshole, and you have to be an asshole in this business. Selective rampage killing essentially requires one to take a dump on the parades of anyone having the least bit of "fun," especially if it means killing them to uphold the status quo. In fact, I would go so far as to pride myself on being the biggest asshole in this business, whereas my buddy Jason is a half-mast phallus and Krueger is just a cancer-eaten prostate gland.
Host: No offense, sir, but wouldn't it be more accurate to characterize yourself as a fully erect phallus taking a whiz on the parades of status-quo-violators?
(Pause. Michael Myers stares menacingly at Soledad.)
Host: Very eloquent, as always, sir.
Myers: I do my best.
Host: And, on a final note—and I understand completely if you have hesitations—could you chase me around the set with that kitchen knife in your belt? Pretty please?
Myers: Well, you have been a tolerable host, and you seem like a polite, upstanding young woman who knows her Leviticus and says her prayers each night.
(Pause.)
Myers: But…
(He draws the knife out of his belt.)
Myers: You didn't say "God bless you" when I coughed.
(He rises from his seat, baring the knife.)
Host: (play-whimpering) Oh my gawd… oh my gawd… (to the viewers at home) That's all our time for tonight, slasher-fans. See you next episode when we interview Jaws the Great White, and remember: reality is just another nightmare.
(Soledad does a "Scream Queen" shriek and runs around the set, Michael Myers stalking after her with the bared knife. Fade to black.)
THE END