THE ZOOPERS ARE COMING
... in which many figures who are either not supposed to be in The Hobbit movies at all, or are hopelessly misrepresented therein, frequently act completely out of character ...
... and several unsuspecting Orcs find themselves in some unexpected situations ...
... with girls ...
... much to their dismay ...
The Laketown Vixens
Kaasak's eyes slowly fluttered open. Head pounding, he tried to recall where he was. Maybe if he knew that, he'd know why he was there. Learning that, he might then find out why the hell he was tied to a chair.
Vague memories of tracking... something short. Lots of short somethings... In barrels? That couldn't be right.
Attempting to scent the air was a wasted effort; his nose was stuffed up. The air was heavy with moisture, playing havoc with his sinuses. He drew a deep breath through his mouth, then closed it tight and blew.
Ah. Much better. Good sized bogey on the floor, too. Very satisfying. Clean wooden floor, at that. Odd.
It was a Mannish house, he noted as he looked around curiously. No Men in it at the moment, but their stink was on everything. Hmmm... male Man stink he knew, but what was the other? His eyes narrowed.
Outside of the cluttered, fishy-smelling house, he heard a light voice speaking excitedly, coming closer.
Mummy, he whimpered, and yanked ineffectually against his bonds. They were tightly done up; getting tighter with each desperate tug. He might have admired the knotting under other circumstances.
"You never approve of the lads who come round," the female voice complained. "So I thought, this one's not like the others. I'm sure you'll like him. Hurry!"
"What's the hurry, Sigrid?" a male voice chuckled. The Orc grabbed the seat of the chair and tried to hop it toward the back door. "Do you fear he'll fly away before I can meet him?"
"In a manner of speaking..."
"He's done up proper," a second, higher female voice chimed in. "Can't move so much as a finger!" She sounded quite proud. Kaasak scuttled his feet rapidly against the floor, pushing the chair backwards. The chair legs scraped loudly across the wood.
"Quickly, before he gets away!" the first female cried as the door latch rattled. Kaasak froze and stared at it in horror.
Worse than the tales of Durin's Bane, more creepy than the slinking thing in the deep depths below Goblintown, harder to outrun than a Mirkwood spider...
There were two of them, young girls of Laketown with shining eyes and joy-filled faces. Kaasak didn't even notice the male; his wide, staring eyes beheld the last thing he thought would ever catch him.
Laketown Vixens. He'd rather be skinned alive.
"Oh, look at him, da!" the elder girl cooed. "Isn't he lovely?"
"Um... yeah," the startled Man said. "That's... not exactly the word I was looking for."
Catching his tone and apparently not liking it, she crossed her arms over her chest and pouted. Kaasak automatically cringed.
"You never like anyone!" she shrieked. "They're never good enough! Well, I found this one myself, and if you don't like him it's because you're just plain mean!"
"Or... it's because he's an Orc, dear," the Man replied delicately.
"I can wash him!" she countered. "Oh, don't worry about all this dirt and filth. It'll come right off. Tilda and I'll dress him up nice and teach him how not to swear. We can show him how to use a fork and drink tea properly..."
"Can I braid his hair?" the other girl asked excitedly.
Whimpering desperately, the Orc once more made a bid for freedom, scooting the chair back another foot. One leg met empty air, and the entire affair toppled over, spilling Kaasak into the privy.
It was the lesser of two evils.
"Oh, isn't he adorable?" the younger one simpered, beaming at him as he struggled on the floor like a tipped tortoise. "Can I have one too?"
"Well...," their father wavered, and Kasaak gave him a pleading look. "If you promise to clean up after him..."
"Oh da, thank you!" the elder Vixen cried, leaping up and down and hugging her father. The younger of the two girls leaned over their helpless victim and grinned.
"Next time you boys come round," she promised, "I'm getting one of my own."