fading
routine
"the marks humans leave are too often scars"
John Green, The Fault in Our Stars.
It was dark. He couldn't see a thing. Not a single candle or beam lighted up the lonely room. All Haru could feel was his cheek pressed to the hard, cold floor. All Haru could feel was the tight noose around his wrists.
His throat was sore, his mouth dry. He was thirsty. And hungry. But all he could really think of was water. That precious liquid; the one he filthily desired in that exact moment.
The smell in the room was unbearable. Something had been rotting there, and Haru was starting to think it was him. The single thought of that made him chuckle a little. It came out as a strangled sound, like a gasp for air.
Everything around him remained so quiet, he was also starting to think he was dead. Finally, he thought. It was about damn time his heart would stop beating. He pinched himself. I knew it. Being dead was just one of those impossible dreams that crossed his mind more often than not. Like a weird kind of daydreaming. Daydreaming in the dark, where no one could see you, or snap their fingers in front of you to wake you up.
He used to daydream a lot back in those days, though. In the light. Makoto would usually pinch him or shake his shoulder gently, just to get him to pay attention to the class. Boring, was all Haru said while acknowledging his friend's effort to bring his head back from the clouds. He remembered it quite well.
A small smile appeared on his face. Haru soon found himself wondering how Makoto was. But those feelings and memories vanished as soon as they popped on Haru's mind. He just thought about it for half a second, but he was already feeling weaker, and having a strong need to cry.
Except there were no more tears. He ran out of them.
He rolled on his back, facing the ceiling of the dark room. Laying on the floor was something he was now used to do. The hard wooden floor was all he had. All he could feel in that empty space. All he could grab on to whenever he… whenever he…
His gut twisted horribly and the urge to throw up was there soon. That sensation was always weird to Haru; just like having something stuck in his throat. It was a bit peculiar.
What was also peculiar and almost funny, was the fact that he didn't remember what he was wearing. He knew there was a shirt embracing his arms and torso, and maybe pants. But what he couldn't remember were the colors or even if that was the outfit he was wearing when-
When it all started.
He gulped. He couldn't really say there was an specific day for the beginning of everything. It was a slow process, after all. He knew what he was doing. He had planned this, and Haru was just sure about that.
The door handle made a sound. Haru knew what was coming, but he just couldn't avoid feeling scared each time.
He crawled backwards, pushing himself with his hands. No, he thought. Please, no.
Any person in the world would pray in a situation like that one, but Haru stopped doing that a long time ago. It was useless. He thought that, if there was really a 'God', he would have saved him a long time ago too. Praying was dumb to him. Dumb and almost selfish.
"Oh, hello there." A voice said. That voice. "How are you doing, Haru-chan? Are you enjoying yourself as always?"
Haru remained quiet. Enjoying himself? That almost made him laugh.
"I came here to check on you. I'm off to college right now, okay? So, don't try anything you will regret." The light that came from the door was blinding. Just as much as the smile that man was giving him. Or at least that's what he used to think back then.
"Won't you answer, Haru-chan?" he said. Haru's heart was starting to pound faster. "I come here, to give you water, bring you some food, talk to you, and you won't even reply?"
Fuck. That tone in his voice wasn't good at all. That could not mean anything good.
Haru looked down, noticing the bowl full of water and some bread with butter. "S-sorry."
"Sorry?" The irony in his voice was almost palpable. "Is that all you're going to say, after all I've been through because of you?"
Haru flinched. Words didn't seem to make their way out of his mouth. He still didn't understand what what he was supposed to say, but the answer came to him sooner than expected.
Akihiko grabbed him by the chin with one hand, making pressure with the thumb on one of his cheeks. It hurt, but it was never going to hurt as much as everything he had done to Haru.
"I'm going to show you some respect, you little slut. Class can wait." Akihiko had now let go of Haru and was undoing the buttons of his pants. He knew what was going to happen next. But he was just as afraid as the first time this happened.
Haru kept his mouth shut as soon as Akihiko released his hard member. The first thing Akihiko always did was put it in his mouth for him to suck it. He hated it. That feeling just made him want to puke all the food he hadn't eaten.
The guy in front of him did just as expected and put his cock on the corner of Haru's mouth, and started to rub it all over his face. Haru wanted to scream his lungs out. It was just disgusting. He no longer felt like a human. He couldn't feel anything in his chest, except from the stinging pain. He no longer had a heart, even if it was just in a figurative manner. He was just a waste of space, made for that kind of things. The hard work no one would do, said Akihiko once.
"Open up" Haru still kept his lips in a line. "I said open up!"
After this, Akihiko hit him. It was normal actually; that kind of behavior. Whenever Haru wouldn't do as he pleased, he would use his strength. And Haru felt guilty each time. Guilty because he wasn't making Akihiko feel good. After all, it was all he had to do with his existence, yet he failed.
He opened his mouth at this thought. If he couldn't fight against it, he would just surrender.
Haru felt his hair being pulled. He was now facing Akihiko, and Haru could appreciate his features once more: grey eyes, full lips, small nose, loose blonde hair strands covering half of his eyes. He had always thought Akihiko was beautiful. From the very beginning, he was mesmerized by his beauty.
He still remembered the first time he saw him. It was on one of his European Art History classes, at the beginning of the semester, two years ago. He was there with Rin, one of his friends, who studied Graphic Design. Rin was talking about what seemed to be something related to his career, and Haru was kind of paying attention to what he was saying. However, Haru lost all track of the conversation he was having when he saw him. The guy by the door. He was tall, with a perfectly sculpted figure. Blonde hair and plump lips embellished his face, along with his chiseled jaw. Then, his eyes. Grey eyes. They seemed to look through him, read all his emotions, without any hesitance. That's when he realised the guy was looking at him too. Haru find himself blushing a little.
Haru couldn't lie. He was basically dying to know what the name of the stranger was. And he found out soon, and let out a smile. Mizushima Akihiko. It suited him quite well.
Akihiko shoved his member into his mouth. Any beautiful memory he was experiencing was replaced by pain and despair. Haru just wanted to die there, while that man that was once everything to him thrusted harder, hurting his throat.
"See?" Akihiko panted "You always end up like this because you're a filthy whore who shows no respect to authority. I bet you like the way I fuck your mouth. I, ah, hope you're learning your lesson".
Haru was learning his lesson, indeed. But not the lesson Akihiko wanted to teach him while he gasped for air, choking.
He learned all the good things in life always have a downside to them, no matter how great they seem. He learned that no matter how hard he tried, he would always be a worthless piece of nothing. He learned that he once had everything, but lost it all in a second, with the first drop of blood he shed. But, the most important thing was that he learned love didn't exist. It never did.
Akihiko let him go, and now he was on the floor trying to catch his breath with erratic sounds. The taste of Akihiko's come along with blood invaded his mouth. It was all too much. He couldn't handle this. Not anymore.
"Alright, Haru-chan." He was now laying on the floor, motionless, while the other guy reached the door. "I'm going now. Don't do anything silly while I'm out!"
His smile was fake and Haru knew it. Akihiko tried to seem as innocent as possible, but he could see through the lies. Nonetheless, Haru had come to realise he was the only one to blame for everything that was happening.
Still thinking of that, he crawled until he reached the bowl full of water, and drank all he could like a dog would have. He wanted to get that taste out of his mouth. He was thirsty.
Hi! So, I hope y'all are alright!
I wanted to write something different, y'know? But I guess it'll end up being cliché as always. Whew, there's nothing I can do I guess.
I don't really know when I will be updating. I guess it really depends on my time and if you guys like it.
Btw, I wanted to make something clear: Yes, this is a fanfic where Haru finds a way out of all he has to put up with through the love he develops for Rin. BUT, that doesn't mean all people going through an abusive relationship find peace in loving someone in a romantic way. They may find it in God, family, friends,... I hope you get what i'm saying.
If you're feeling suicidal, or going through an abusive relationship, don't doubt to contact these (delete the spaces):
International: www . suicide international - suicide - hotlines . html
US: www . suicide suicide - hotlines . html
The National (US) Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (they do have a chat too.)
See you later!