Paper Mario: The Spoof

Prologue: That Screwed Up Goomba Family

It was a nice day outside Mario and Luigi's house. The sun was shining, the wind was calm. A flying Koopa Troopa in a Brown Helmet and goggles, and a mailbag on his shoulder.

The Koopa landed down next to Mario's mailbox. He inserted a letter into the mailbox and called out. "Yo, Mario! Your mail's here!" He took off into the skies again, thinking. Heh heh. Next up, Boo Mansion, for Princess Bow. Heh heh heh heh. Giggity. He thought, flying towards Forever Forest.

Luigi walked out the door and went towards the mailbox. He looked up to see the mail Koopa flying away. "Thanks, Parakarry!"

"Screw you, Luigi!" He called back immediately. "You interrupted my hot thoughts!"

Luigi looked at him strangely, shrugged, and walked back into the house with the letter. "Hey, bro." He said as he walked in the house. "We got a letter from Peach."

Mario stood up. "What now...?" He sighed.

"Let me read it." Luigi offered.

Mario was about to say "I want to read it!" But stopped, rolled his eyes, and flipped his brother off.

Dear Mario and that other... guy... Link? No. Luigi? ... Yeah.

Anyways, I'm holding a huge party at my castle today, and you two are invited!

Many guests from distant places will be there and are dying to meet you!

Well, except for the Boos from Boo Mansion and Gusty Gulch. They're already dead.

The party starts at Noon, SHARP. And don't be late!

Princess Peach

Luigi smiled enthusiastically. "You hear that, bro?"

Mario sighed. "Yeah. A party. Whopee." He sarcastically cheered.

Luigi, sensing Mario's sarcasm, rolled his eyes and said, "You know, there's the chance you'll get laid at the party by her."

Mario's eyes grew wide. "Laid?" He repeated. Quickly, he grabbed Luigi by his overalls and dragged him into the warp pipe outside the house. "Let's-a go."

Mario and Luigi travelled through Toad Town, towards Peach's Castle. When it was in sight, Mario and Luigi smiled.

"Here we are, bro!" Luigi said.

"Yeah, sure, whatever." Mario said. "Where's Peach?"

A Toad Guard overheard the brothers talking and said "I believe she's near the balcon-" He was interrupted by Mario running off towards the balcony. "...ny." He finished.

Luigi sighed and had a conversation with the guard.

Mario continued running through the halls, towards the Balcony. "PeachPeachPeachPeach LaidLaidLaidLaid..." He kept repeating the two words on his mind. He stopped short when he saw the Princess Peach in the hall near the balcony.

Peach turned to see Mario and smiled. "Ah, Mario! Fantastic to see you!" She greeted.

"Shut up and bend over, bitch!" Mario replied, pointing at Peach.

"...What?" Peach said, backing up a little.

"Sorry. Got the best of me." He said.

Then, a strange hovering sound was heard.

"What the hell?" Mario exclaimed.

The glass was broken, and in floated...

"Bowser!" Peach gasped.

"Bwahahahaha!" Bowser laughed. "Hello, Mario, Princess. I'm crashing this here party, then I'm gonna go back to my castle, underneath yours, and drink some Beer."

"Waitwaitwaitwait," Mario began. "Did you say your castle... was right underneath this one?"

"Yep." Bowser replied nonchalantly.

"... You sick bastard."

"Ah, shut up and fight, Mario."

BATTLE BEGIN

Mario: 10/10

Bowser: ?/?

Mario begins the battle by jumping on Bowser's head, dealing 1 damage.

Bowser: ?/?

Bowser walked up to Mario, and bitch-slapped him with his tail, dealing 1 damage.

Mario: 9/10

Mario jumped again, doing 1.

This'll get tedious, so let's skip.

Bowser laughed. "Bwardeehardeehar. I'm invincible now!"

Mario looked at him. "Uhhh... no you're not."

Bowser held up the Legendary Star Rod in the air and laughed. "Ha ha ha! Now I am!"

Mario crossed his arms. "No... you're not."

Bowser threw the Rod at Mario's face, dealing Over 9,000 damage.

Mario: 0/10

"NOW I AM!" He screamed, picking up Mario's limp body and disposing of it, out the window, into space.

"Wait, when'd we get into space?" Peach asked.

"During the fight, duh." Bowser answered. "Now. TO YOUR ROOM."

"Never!" She screamed, running away... into a wall.

Koopatrols walked in and picked up the unconsious Princess. "We got her, sir."

"Good. Now that I killed Mario, he'll never bother me again! Ahahaha!" He looked back to the door. "Now for my beer."

Mario landed in a lush forest-like area surrounded by trees. A pink Goomba with an orange bow walked up to him and looked down.

"My god. Mom! Dad! Goombario! Gooma! Goompa!" She called out. "We found ANOTHER hobo!"

Mario woke up... to see a ceiling. "Wh-what the?" He said, rubbing his head. "Oooh... where am I?"

A familiar voice looked up at the plumber. "Bout time you woke up, Mario."

Mario looked at the voice, which happened to be Toad. "Oh, Toad. When did I get here?"

"Seven days ago." Toad replied. "Goombaria saw you fall in here. She thought you were a hobo."

Mario sighed. "Man." He got up. "I... I had this weird dream."

Toad looked at him.

"I saw this mustachioed Star... he said to me, "Mario. Come to Shooting Star Summit!" Mario said.

Toad stared at Mario. "Eh... you sure you're all right? Did you take any crack before the fight against Bowser?"

"No!" Mario yelled, tossing a pebble at Toad.

He walked outside to see a family of Goombas. One with a blue hat, one with an orange bow, one with an orange bow and LIPSTICK, and one with a black mustache.

"..." He stayed silent. "DIE!" He screamed, about to jump on Goombario, who screamed and ran away.

"Oh look." Goombaria said. "He's awake."

"Calm, Mario, calm!" The mustachioed Goomba said.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME!" Mario screamed.

"You're the Mario." He began. "Who DOESN'T know you? I'm Goompapa."

"I'm Goomama." The Goomba with lipstick said.

"Goombaria here!" Goombaria said.

"G-G-Goombario." Goombario said.

"Or, as we call him, Goombario the Gay." She snickered.

"HEY! SHUT UP ABOUT MY SEXUAL ORIENTATION!" Goombario screamed at his sister.

"Wait, so, you're actually... homo?" Mario asked, curiously.

"Yeah." Goombario sighed. He looked up and got a better view of Mario's face. "...You're hot."

"OH MY GOD!" Mario screamed. "What the HELL!"

"Oh, oh, I'm.. I'm so sorry... It's just I-"

"I don't want to know."

"You should see Gooma and Goompa, over there in that house." Goomama said.

"No. I just want to go." Mario replied.

"Well, you can't, fatass!" Goompapa screamed.

"... And why not?"

"The freaking gate isn't done yet, retard!"

"FINE! I'll talk to Gooma and Goompa!" Mario said.

He walked in the door and saw a wrinkly old Goomba. "You must be Gooma."

"What's it to ya!" Gooma yelled.

Mario silently walked away to the verdena outside.

"Giggity giggity giggity giggity..." Goompa repeated. Did he have... binoculars?

"Uh... sir?" Mario asked, slowly walking towards Goompa, who quickly turned around.

"Woah, transvestite! Back off." Goompa screamed.

"Uh... okay." Mario said, walking into the door and outside.

"OK, Mario, the gate's fixed." Goompapa said.

"THANK YOU." Mario said, walking out.

"Stop right there!" A voice called out. A Magikoopa in a Purple Robe appeared on a broom. "I am Kammy Koopa." She said. "I could've sworn there was an old Goomba looking at me through binoculars. ANYWAYS, you'll never get to Bowser's Castle!" She laughed, creating a huge yellow block in the path, landing onto the gate.

"Oh, no. Oh, HELL NO." Goompapa's eyes turned red. "YOU RUINED MY GATE, YOU STUPID BITCH!" He screamed, tossing a Goomnut at Kammy, which hit her and she fell.

She got up and flipped off Mario, Toad, and the Goombas and flew away.

"I LOVE YOU!" A voice from the verdena called.

"Well, damn." Mario said. "This blows."

"I think Goompa has a hammer that can break this thing." Goombario informed.

"Good." Mario said, walking towards the verdena.

He opened the door and walked onto the verdena. "Hey, where's Goompa?"

Suddenly, the verdena began blinking. Soon it disappeared completely, and Mario fell.

"SON OF A BIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch..." He yelled as he landed. Goompa saw Mario and walked up to him.

"... Oh my god, it's the transvestite!" He yelled.

Mario sat up and angrily flipped off Goompa. "I just wanted to get LAID! Is that too much to ask for!" He cried.

"Forget it. Where's my doll that I feel?" Goompa asked.

Mario looked at him. "... Creepy."

Goompa looked in a direction. "I think it's over there! Also, I might have a hammer there too."

Mario sighed with relief and ran off towards the direction, picked up a bush, and found the Hammer. And... a doll that looks like Peach.

"... I.. think I see your doll, Goompa." Mario said.

"Yay!" Goompa said, rushing towards the doll.

"H-hey! Why are you here!" A voice called. Mario and Goompa looked over to see a Koopa who is half-out of his shell.

"Is he.. retarded? He's not even out of his shell." Mario commeneted aloud.

"I heard that!" He screamed. "I'm Jr. Troopa! And you're gonna pay for tresspassing on MY property!"

Mario rolled his eyes, grabbed the hatchling, and tossed him at the wall. "Come on. Let's go."

They arrived at a block similar to the one that broke Goompapa's gate. "Time to put this thing to work!" He exclaimed, holding his hammer back. Quickly, he slammed the hammer at the Block, destroying it.

"Great."

They travelled through the rest of the field, and arrived in Goomba Village again.

"Must you be leaving, Mario?" Goomama asked.

"Yeah, I need to save Peach, AGAIN." Mario replied.

"Well, good luck... and can I ask you a favor?" Goomama asked.

"Uh.. sure?"

"Please, Goombario needs to be stronger..."

"And straight." Goombaria inserted.

"So.. can you take Goombario with you?" Goomama finished.

"... Yeah, sure. Whatever." Mario said, then turned to Goombario. "Let's go."

"Sweet!" Goombario cheered.

"But no ideas." Mario said. "I'm not gay, and I never want to be."

"Damn." Goombario cursed under his breath.

"So long, Mar!" Toad said. "Bye! I'll see you in other Toad Houses!"

Mario waved to the family, and walked off, Goombario following behind.

After a quick walk through the path, Mario ran into two Goombas, one red and one blue.

"Yo, bro! It's Mario!" Said the Red Goomba.

"Alright, guy, you're gonna die!" Yelled the Blue one.

"These rhymes are queer, so let's just go. Ain't that a good idea, Mario?... Damn, now they have ME rhyming!" Goombario said.

"What the hell? Who are you two?" Mario asked.

"I'm big, bad, and Red! The one who's gonna make you DEAD!" Red threatened.

"I'm quick, slick and Blue! We're gonna make Plumber Soup out of you!" Blue said, menacingly.

"Yo, assholes! Quit your gay-ass rhyme! You realize that we don't have the time!" Mario yelled.

"Screw you, Mario! We're gonna make you bleed!" Red began. "You'll never ever have your princess freed!"

"No, really. Stop rhyming. It's stupid." Mario said, more serious.

"...Okay." Red said, dashing towards Mario. "Let's see you dodge this!" He yelled, tossing himself at Mario in a flying kick.

Mario quickly dodged with a duck, then did a backflip onto Red, dealing 2 damage. "Take it, dumbass! I've been doing this for years!"

Goombario then took out a scanner and focused on Blue and Red. "O-okay, Mario! Red is the older brother of the two. And also the stronger. He has 10 HP, but your jump dealt 2 damage to him, so now he has 8."

"Blue is the younger of the two, but the faster. He'll try running around you to make you dizzy. Time a jump or hammer blow correctly to stop him. He has 8 HP."

"Thanks, Goombario." Mario nodded.

"Tee hee. Am I ge-" Goombario was interrupted by Mario tossing a rock at him.

"No, you're not getting to me." Mario rolled his eyes.

"You're gonna see stars when I'm done here, Plumber Boy!" Blue growled, as he ran up to Mario and Goombario, and surrounded them in a quick dash, circling them.

"Okay... okay..." Goombario focused. "Now!"

Mario swiftly took out his hammer and smacked Blue sideways with it, doing 4 damage, and the hit sent Goombario flying towards a wall. He hit it, and fell. The impact of hitting the wall was 2, and hitting the ground was 2. Blue was instantly KO'd.

"... That was easy." Mario said.

"Bro!" Red cried, running to his blue brother's aid. "Speak to me!"

"Y-yeah... I'm alright, bro... if we get to King Goomba's place safely, I'll be f-fine." Blue said weakly.

Red nodded, and looked evilly at Mario. "You gonna die, bitch." He growled. A machine gun appeared, along with red... hands.

"... Holy crap." Mario said, his eyes wide.

Red readied the gun, and pointed at Mario. "YOU GONNA DIE, BITCH!" He repeated, shooting at Mario.

Mario jumped over the bullets quickly, grabbed Red from behind, and tossed him into the wall even HARDER, dealing 6 damage! Red hit the floor, doing the occasional 2. Red was KO'd. "YEAH! EAT IT, BEEYOTCH!" Mario screamed hysterically. Then he laughed maniacally. "AHAHAHAHAHAH!"

Then he stopped, and jumped on the spring. "Let's-a go." Goombario followed.

Mario was surprised to see this. "... What... the... hell... is... that?" He stared.

There stood a giant Goomba with a white mustache, beady red eyes, and a crown. "Goomboss is I. Crush puny plumber is what I do. Die is what you do! On is what you bring!" He yelled, dashing towards Mario, Red and Blue followed, still kind of weak.

Goombario looked up. "Mario!" He said, eyeing a tree. "There's a Goomnut tree! Slam it with your hammer, the Goomnut will fall out, and probably bounce off thier heads."

Mario did so, and a Goomnut fell, and hit Goomboss, Red, and Blue. Red and Blue were instantly KO'd, for the Goomnut did 2 damage to each Goomba.

Goombario took out his scanner, and focused on Goomboss. "That's Goomboss, the Goomba King. Red and Blue are his right-hand men." He informed. "His HP is 10, minus two because of the Goomnut, so he has 8. The crown on his head is heavy armor, so don't jump on him. Give him a taste of your hammer."

Mario scoffed. "Screw that." He said, dashing towards Goomboss, quickly, he dealt a powerful kick to Goomboss's jaw, dealing 4.

"O-ow! Hurt that did, bag of douche!" Goomboss yelled. He then kicked Mario with his huge foot, only doing a surprising 2 damage.

Goombario grew hands of his own, grabbed his hat, and tossed it like a boomerang at Goomboss. The impact of the hat did 2 damage.

Goomboss was stunned for a second. Mario took the chance to slam Goomboss in the face with his hammer, KO'ing him.

"We did it, Mar!" Goombario said happily.

"Fine!" Goomboss began. "Cross is what you can do!" He walked over to a bush, pressed a switch, and a bridge appeared behind Goomboss's Castle. "Flee is what we must do, Red and Blue!" He said, dashing in the Castle.

"Y'know, Mario, you're pretty cool. Where'd you learn to fight, Epic Ownage School?" Red complimented.

"Red's right, man, you're okay! Maybe we'll meet on friendly terms someday!" Blue said.

"Later, guy! Try not to go out there and die!" They both said, following thier king into the castle.

"... Did they really just RHYME again?" Mario said.

"I guess. Hey, that's the bridge to Toad Town! Let's go, Mario!" Goombario said.

Mario and Goombario crossed the bridge, and later went into the town.

End of Prologue!

How did you think of it? It took only 2 days, but I worked hardly!

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