"Okay… Kintoki, truth or dare?"
Gintoki replies without hesitation. "Dare."
Sakamoto's grin widens and he places a hand to his chin as he deliberates. Coming to a decision, he says, "I dare you to egg Hijikata's house."
Katsura immediately objects. "He can't. Gintoki, you can't."
"Why can't I?" Gintoki asks, already moving to stand.
"Hijikata's dad is a cop," Katsura answers, voice laced with concern.
"As if that's ever stopped me before."
"You'll get in trouble! Your record is bad enough as it is." Katsura puts himself between Gintoki and the door of Sakamoto's room, hands on his hips as though he's the quintessential authority when it comes to dares. "I won't allow it."
"What are you, my mom?" Gintoki brushes passed him into the hallway. "Let your hair down for once, Zura."
Katsura's usual, "It's not Zura, it's Katsura," comes, along with the rest of the group as Gintoki makes for the entryway. He kneels down to pull on his shoes as Katsura continues.
"My hair is down, Gintoki. In fact, it's usually down." Katsura pushes the hair out of his face and over his shoulder for emphasis. "And I still think this is a bad idea."
Gintoki straightens and grabs at his coat, shrugging it on. When he turns, it's to see Sakamoto and Takasugi both pulling on their shoes and Katsura, ever obnoxiously stubborn, staring him down.
"Why do you care?" He asks Katsura. "You won't get in trouble. In fact," he adds confindently, "I won't either."
"But what if you do? I don't want any of us to get in trouble."
"I just said none of us will get in trouble." Gintoki says. He opens the door with finality. "Stay here and clean out your ears, Zura." Then, he leaves the house.
There are two separate pairs of footsteps following him as he walks down the street, and another rushes to catch up. He can't help smirking to himself; he knew Katsura would tag along, even if he didn't particularly want to.
Their first stop, before the infamous pretty boy's house, is the corner convenience store. They dig through their pockets and manage to scrounge up enough change between them for a carton of eggs before continuing down the street.
It isn't late but already the streets are becoming dark, and before long there's only the street lamps' intermittent light to see where their feet are hitting. Gintoki leads their group, chatting with Sakamoto, and intentionally ignores Katsura's staring eyes.
"I wonder what Hijikata's dad is like," Gintoki says to Sakamoto. "I've met enough of the boys in blue, but I'd think that I'd recognize anyone gross enough to have made him."
Sakamoto laughs, loud in the barren street. "You'd know better than I would."
"Anyone should be able to point him out," says Gintoki. "I mean, Hijikata's got his own special kind of disgusting that he probably got from his dad. So, it should be obvious."
"Not everyone pays as much attention to Hijikata as you." Katsura interjects. "You talk to him the most out of us."
"I wouldn't call that talking," Gintoki makes a face. They usually fight or argue or bicker, rather than talk. He raises his voice as he continues. "Though, Hijikata wears enough black to be a part of the emo club with our dear Takasugi."
Takasugi, he assumes, kicks the back of his knees, bringing him to the ground. Gintoki's thankful that Katsura had offered to hold the eggs when they left the store – otherwise they would be splattered all over the pavement at this point.
His palms sting from catching himself, but he smirks up at Takasugi anyways. "That's right, you prefer your men on their knees." Another kick, this time aimed at his groin. He blocks it awkwardly with his shin.
"Shut the fuck up," Takasugi growls. Gintoki stands and puts himself in Takasugi's face, shit-eating grin still in place.
"Make me."
Takasugi's one green eye screams murder, and he pulls back his arm at the same time that Katsura speaks.
"Cut it out, you two." Katsura moves to stand between them, and Takasugi scoffs before turning away. Gintoki grins, one more antagonizing line on his tongue, but Katsura pulls him away. "Let's not fight."
Gintoki throws his arm around Katsura's neck. "You're right. We have more important things to do." He continues to walk, Katsura in tow. He knows that Katsura doesn't appreciate the reminder of what they're doing – Gintoki can feel the look directed at him – but he just pulls Sakamoto in as well and the three of them stagger down the street.
Not much later they turn onto Hijikata's street. The street lights seem brighter here, glaring against white painted townhouses and reflecting off cars. When they round on Hijikata's house Gintoki releases his captives to take a good look at the place. The house is a less blinding tan color, with a garage to the left and a path toward the door in front of them, one mottled gray stripe through a well-kept lawn. It's clean, and Gintoki can't wait to change that.
"You guys ready?" asks Gintoki, taking the carton from Katsura and flipping it open. It's a retorical question, but Katsura still answers with a resounding no; Gintoki decides to take that as a yes.
He grabs an egg at random, pulls his arm back, takes a steadying breath, and throws; it connects with a solid smack next to a thankfully dark window, and Gintoki grins.
It doesn't take long to go through most of the carton. It gives him a certain satisfaction to see the long, running lines of orange-white slime that are dripping from the house. This was one of the reasons he didn't let Katsura dissuade him. The rush he gets while doing something like this, the strange pleasure that comes with fear while doing something risky – he loves it. That's why his record is as long as it is.
He readies another egg, searching along the house for anywhere unmarred to aim. There's only a few eggs left and the house is proof – covered nearly entirely by the goo. He finds a dry spot and sends the egg flying.
It's then that something happens.
Something being a light turning on.
Downstairs window, on the right; Gintoki can see the dark outline of a figure moving toward the door.
Fuck.
Before he has time to move the door is opening and he can hear three sets of retreating steps behind him. He whirls around, mouth parting in shock at their betrayal.
"Hey! Kid!"
Gintoki flinches at the words, slowly turning back to face the voice.
"What the hell are you doing?"
His heart in his throat, he tosses the carton behind a nearly car and hopes the action wasn't too obvious.
"Hey there, sir," he says, clearing his throat. "Beautiful night, isn't it?"
The man towers above him. "Why are you out so late?" Is the man's first question. Then, with no time for Gintoki to answer: "Why are you throwing eggs at my house?"
"Eggs?" Gintoki asks with feigned confusion.
"Don't lie to me. You know what you did. But- why did it have to be eggs?" There's emphasis on eggs, and Gintoki really isn't sure what to say. Thankfully – or perhaps not – the man continues.
"If Otae finds out- oh God, if Otae finds out she's going to think it's about her-" The man grabs Gintoki's arm and begins to pull him toward the house. "You're coming with me-"
"W-wait!" Gintoki tries. They pause, and Gintoki wracks his brain desperately. "Hijikata lives here, right?"
"Yeah." The man frowns at him. "Why?"
"Yeah, because Hijikata- Hijikata, that bastard, he really hurt me, you know? Such an asshole. He deserves this."
"Toushi did something to you?"
"Y-yeah!" He fakes a scowl, trying to look serious and upset, making things up as he goes. "He, uh… he broke my heart!"
Thank God Takasugi had run away. This was blackmail worthy in so many ways.
"He broke your heart?" The man asks, freezing. "Toushi? Hijikata Toushirou?"
Gintoki swallows. "Yeah, that asshole."
The man turns away from him, both hands coming up to cluch at his heart. "He had a boyfriend and didn't tell me?"
That's what he gets hung up on?
"A horrible boyfriend and a horrible son." Gintoki pats the man sympathetically on his shoulder, contemplating the situation he's currently in. This was definitely not what he had been expecting.
The door opens again, leading a strip of light out to them. Gintoki's heart drops.
Hijikata walks toward them, brow ever furrowed.
"Kondo?" He asks, then looks at Gintoki. "Sakata?"
"Toushi!" Kondo puts his hands on Hijikata's shoulders. "Why didn't you tell me?" he wails.
Hijikata looks over at Gintoki for an explanation. Gintoki puts his hands together in front of him, pushing out his lip in what he hopes is a 'please go along with this I don't want to go to jail' face.
"Why didn't you tell me you had a boyfriend?" Hijikata's face goes slack with shock, staring at Kondo's face. Then, he glares at Gintoki, who keeps up his pleading position.
Hijikata takes a moment to compose himself before he opens his mouth.
"I, uh, didn't want you to know that I'm gay," he says. Gintoki could have kissed him. He would have to find a way to thank him after all this.
Kondo seems to find this an appropriate answer, because he pulls Hijikata into an uncomfortable hug and sobs into his shoulder. "I wouldn't judge you for that! You're my son! I'll always love you, no matter what!" Hijikata scowls at him over Kondo's back.
"Thanks, Kondo," Hijikata chokes out. "Means a lot."
Kondo sniffs and, with great difficulty, stands back. He takes a deep breath and sets his hands on his hips, face falling into a more serious expression.
"Now, Toushi," Kondo says, sounding like a cross mother, "why did you break this young man's heart?"
Hijikata's gaze once again whips over to Gintoki, grinding his teeth.
"I…" Hijikata starts, obviously thinking. "Cause he's an asshole?" Gintoki reconsiders thanking him.
Kondo frowns. "How is he an asshole? He seems to be a well enough boy." Gintoki nearly laughs, which just makes Hijikata glare at him harder.
He can see Hijikata's eyebrow twitching, as well as his hip. Hijikata tries again. "He's lazy in school and has bad grades. I don't want to date someone who's obviously not going anywhere in life."
That hits low, but Gintoki supposes it's fair revenge. It seems to be what Kondo needed to hear, because he hums and puts a hand on Hijikata's shoulder, turning to face Gintoki.
"You're already so mature, Toushi," he says lovingly. If Kondo wasn't watching him, he would pretend to gag. "You should still apologize, because if he came all the way out here just to egg out house, he's obviously pretty upset."
Hijikata's eyebrows shoot up. Gintoki figures he hadn't realized that was why Kondo was out here in the first place, and takes the resulting glare without complaint.
"Sorry for breaking your heart, Sakata." Hijikata grinds out.
"I accept." In other circumstances, he would have milked everything he could have from this situation, but as it is he's lucky enough that Hijikata is even playing along, so he tries to end this with as little pain as possible. "I feel much better now. Thank you, Kondo." He takes a step backwards. "See you in school, Hijikata."
He turns tail and, without looking back once, runs.
Gintoki slumps his head against his desk.
"Oi, Sakata." He sighs internally.
He had come into class late intentionally, wanting one, to avoid those traitors from last night, and two, to avoid Hijikata's wrath. The former, so far, had been successful; none of them (them being Takasugi and Sakamoto, as Katsura was in a different class) had yet to talk to him, and he definitely didn't do anything to change that.
The latter, however…
"I know you're not asleep, bastard." Hijikata says. Gintoki peeks one eye open and looks up at him. "Come on." He starts walking away without another word and Gintoki gives another soulful sigh at the loss of his lunch break as he gets up to follow.
Hijikata leads them to the back side of the school. It's private, at least, between dumpsters and cigarette butts from students who don't care enough to hide it.
As soon as the door shuts behind them Gintoki is shoved into it. Hijikata's steel blue eyes bore into him.
"What the fuck was going on yesterday?" He spits, a handful of Gintoki's school uniform in one hand.
Gintoki shrugs leisurely. "You mean, other than you coming out to your pops?"
The punch that results doesn't surprise him; he takes it with barely a flinch.
"You know what the hell I mean. Spill."
Gintoki sighs. "I got dared by the boys to egg your place. Couldn't back down, you know how it goes." Gintoki pauses, smirking. "Oh wait, you don't have friends to back down from." Another punch, swift to the gut. Gintoki gags a little.
"Stop fucking with me."
Gintoki sends him a glare of his own. "Pops came out and the first story I could think of was that you broke poor Gin's heart. Not," he adds with a sneer, "that I'd ever want to date a bastard like you."
Hijikata pushes him further into the wall, eyes flashing. "You owe me big for going along with that." He says. "Whatever I ask, whenever I ask it. Got it?"
Gintoki pulls himself roughly from Hijikata's grasp. "Got it." He opens the door and doesn't take a second look back as he leaves.
"Gintoki!" Katsura is on him as soon as he sits back down. "You disappeared right after class and I couldn't find you. What happened last night? Why didn't you come back?"
"You guys just left me there," he says, leaning back and throwing his feet carelessly onto his desk. "I had to make some shit up, and then Hijikata showed up-"
"What!" Katsura interrupts.
"Shut up, I'm talking. He went along with it, but I owe him a favor now."
Katsura frowns with concern. "I knew it was a bad idea. I told you, Gintoki-"
"Yeah, well, too late for anything now. How about you buy me an 'I told you so' parfait?"
Katsura ignores him. "Sakamoto and Takasugi were both worried too, I could tell, but we weren't sure what to do – should we go back? But I had to be home soon to fed Elizabeth, you know how she is, so I left and-"
Gintoki blocks him out, figuring the rest of it will be about Elizabeth. It feels kind of nice to know Katsura was concerned, but he wishes they hadn't left him on his own with Hijikata.
He closes his eyes and settles in for a long day.
It's a couple weeks later before Hijikata so much as looks at him again.
He never told Sakamoto and them about the actual story – it would lead to endless humiliation on his part and endless humor on theirs. It's something he feels he should keep between him and Hijikata, and even knowing they have this sort of secret feels weird and out of place.
Perhaps he'll talk a couple of middle-schoolers into handling over their money to buy a parfait after school. That should help him forget about all this Hijikata bullshit.
He sits through class with his chin on his hand, barely listening to the teacher. When the final bell rings he leans back in his chair and stretches.
"You wanna hang at my place?" Sakamoto asks from the seat to Gintoki's right. It's a tempting offer; Sakamoto isn't nosy like Katsura and would let him blow off steam in peace. He glances around the classroom as he thinks it over. It's almost empty already, everyone eager to leave – except Hijikata, who is looking at him pointedly. He motions his head like come here, and Gintoki turns back to Sakamoto supressing a sigh.
"Not today," he says. "Maybe you can pull Zura's head out of his ass long enough to have a conversation."
Sakamoto laughs. "Maybe. He's probably studying."
"Probably. Go pull his wig off and make him have some fun.
Sakamoto solutes and runs off, leaving Gintoki and Hijikata the only ones in the room. He takes his time walking over to him, pleased with how irritated Hijikata looks.
"What is it, my dear Hijikata?" He asks, settling himself on top of Hijikata's desk.
Hijikata hesistates, looking like he'd rather be anywhere but here. "I'm calling in my favor."
Gintoki wasn't expecting that.
"What do you want me to do?" he asks. "Get you some friends? Buy you a life? Sorry, I'm broke at the moment." Hijikata looks ready to punch him. He stares at Gintoki for a moment before suddenly turning around.
"Never mind." He says. Gintoki blinks.
"What?" he asks, jumping off the desk to follow. "Sorry I can't buy you a life, but I could probably bribe some chick to do you-"
Hijikata whirls around. "I need you," he starts, cutting Gintoki off. "To pretend to be my boyfriend again." His face is red, a high contrast to his black hair and blue eyes.
"What? Why?"
Hijikata glances around, as though suddenly realizing they're out in the hallway, totally visible to anyone who might walk by. He doesn't make eye contact as he continues.
"There's a lot of girls who won't leave me alone." He says quietly. "I keep telling them to fuck off but they won't. You owe me a favor and since it was you who thought that being my boyfriend was the best excuse out of a situation, I thought it might work for this, too."
It takes him a minute for all this to sink in. Hijikata, asking him to be his boyfriend? Not what he was expecting.
"You mean there's girls willing to go after your ass?" Is the first thing that comes out of Gintoki's mouth, and he gets hit for it. Rubbing his arm, he follows it up with, "I don't know if one favor covers this."
Hijikata glares at him. "Kondo won't stop talking about you. It's hell, honestly, not even being gay and having him constantly 'Do you think that guy's hot? What about him?'" He shoves an accusing finger into Gintoki's chest. "It's your fault, so yeah, I think one favor covers it."
Gintoki almost snorts. "Well, who wouldn't be gay after looking at the incredibly handsome Gin?" Another smack. "Fine, I'll help you."
Hijikata almost sags in relief. He glances over Gintoki's face once before turning around and starting to walk off, barely a "thanks" thrown over his shoulder.
"Hey, hey, hey," Gintoki says, falling into pace beside him. "Don't I get any more of a thank you? As your now-boyfriend, I order you to buy me a parfait."
Hijikata doesn't look at him, eyes on the stairs they're descending.
"This is only at school, so don't even talk to me outside. I just need you to act like it if there's girls by me, or if I say so." They stop at the shoe lockers. "I still hate you." Hijikata adds with venom.
"The feeling's mutual." Gintoki shoves his backpack into his cubby.
Hijikata doesn't say anything else until he's pushing the door open to leave.
"If you tell anyone," He threatens. "I'll kill you." Then he's gone.
alright so ive been working on this fic for like... 9 months and ive finally decided to just post the first chap
ive got about 3 chapters done and im on and off working on it but like 3 months ago i decided to completely rewrite it which has put me back
bUT when i finish chapter 3 ill post 2, finish 4 ill post three, etc until its done or i give up lolol
the initial idea came from a prompt that i dont have anymore that said something like "I egged your house cause of truth or dare but your dad is a cop and please go along with my story i dont want to go to jail" and eventually mutated into a fake dating au
this first chapter isn't honestly as good as i want (esp the beginning i cringe when i read it) but im done having it sit in my folder unpublished lmao
please tell me what you think! it motivates me and i need all the motivation i can get lmao
update [8/5]: in response to a comment i received, id like to make something clear: kondo and otae are NOT together in this fic. at all. it was going to be revealed later that otae and kyuubei are together, but to avoid further confusion, im saying something now. they are just neighbors, and unfortunately this fic is like canon where kondo still stalks her.
another common misconception is that kondo is his actual dad. this is another thing that was going to be addressed later. hijikata has a past similar to canon and was put into the foster care system. kondo is just his foster dad. thats why he still calls him kondo, but also why kondo treats him like a son.