I. Prologue
Breathe in.
Don't think.
Breathe out.
Don't think.
Breathe in.
Julie and Remus were sitting side by side on the bed, legs tucked under the blankets, mugs of tea in their hands. They were both staring straight ahead, as though they were watching television, but the wall was blank, greyish-green. Cracks in the paint.
Her hands were shaking. "I should have killed her."
Remus shook his head. "You couldn't have. I'm sorry, but you're not that good."
"I should have killed her."
They were both quiet. The clock on the wall ticked unnaturally loudly.
Julie tried to sip her tea and poured it down her front. She swore.
"Hey, hey, it's fine!" said Remus, jumping up, taking both the mugs and setting them on the table. He ran to get a cloth and started wiping up the mess.
"I'm sorry—I'm sorry—my hands won't stop shaking—" Julie covered her face.
"No, it's okay. Julie! It's fine!"
Suddenly she was breathing fast and hard, her gray eyes wide. "It was my fault—Marlene—Sirius—Frank and Alice—all of it—I should have killed her!"
She tried to jump up and Remus tried to grab her shoulders. "Julia Martha—Julie—no—"
Julie gasped in air, shuddering with the effort to breathe. "I had her on the floor with a knife at her throat and I should have killed her!"
Finally Remus managed to get a hold of her. "Listen to me," he said hoarsely. "None of it was your fault."
She let him push her back against the bed, but more because she was tired than because she was listening to anything he had said.
"Pass me my cigarettes."
Remus raised his eyebrows. "Are you sure about that?"
"Yes, I'm bloody sure," said Julie.
He picked up the pack from the bedside table, slipped one out and handed it to her. She put the cigarette between her lips, but her shaky hands and breath made it impossible to light. Mutely she held the cigarette and lighter out to Remus. He sighed and lit it for her.
"Does it ever occur to you," said Remus, watching her take a drag, "that your friends all know how to light a cigarette and none of them smoke, because you make us light them all for you?"
Julie started to laugh, wildly, and then coughed a few times. "Remus—you're my only friend. They're all dead!"
He froze for a minute. "Jesus."
They sat silent. Julie blew smoke across the room and Remus screwed up his face.
"Remus."
"Yeah?"
"I can't remember anything."
He frowned. "What do you mean?"
"All I can think about is Bellatrix Lestrange. I can't remember what came before."
Remus moved closer to her. "Yes, you can. You can remember. Tell me about when you were a kid."
Julie looked blank.
"Amanda. Your sister, tell me about Amanda."
She sighed, and blew smoke.