So yesterday I woke up at 5 in the morning and couldn't go back to sleep because I had this idea in my head and I had to write it. I cranked out most of it yesterday and did some finishing touches on it today :) This is a little somber, I'm afraid. Also, spoilers for Season 9 ep 3.
A/N (01/20/14) This has been fixed to fit the plot I made up to make it part of a series.
Dean had to turn away from Ezekiel after he was given the ultimatum. It sucked that everyone knew his weakness. He couldn't bear the thought of Sam being completely taken over by Zeke and leaving if he let Castiel stay. The other scary thing was that the thought of asking Castiel to leave pained him just as much as the threat of Ezekiel leaving. He was being torn asunder and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. Why me? Why can't I just have a normal life where I don't have to choose between my brother and my best friend? Hell. Best friend doesn't even cover half the shit I feel for Cas.
The eldest Winchester makes his way into the room where Castiel is contentedly eating his burrito. He can see those blue eyes light up when he says they have to talk. His heart breaks when he sees those azure eyes staring back at him in fear and confusion after being asked to leave.
Castiel slowly puts down his food and swallows with difficulty as his throat feels constricted and his lungs are trying to regain normal function. He looks down at his feet so that he can spare Dean the weakness that is now pooling at the corners of his eyes. "I-I understand, Dean. Our friendship is irreparably broken and having me around would just be a burden to you...the only thing I ask is that I be allowed to stay the night. But if that is too much to ask then I can leave right now. You need only say so." Castiel wipes at his eyes quickly and takes a deep stuttering breath as he finishes his statement. He cannot make himself look at Dean for fear of seeing a disgusted expression on his face.
It is quiet for a moment longer before Dean replies. "Cas, look, it's not you. I kinda prayed to you the other day before I found out you had your Grace taken, but...I've already forgiven you, buddy. For everything that you've done and might do because, honestly, I'd rather have you in my life for the wrong reasons than not in it at all for the right reasons, d'you understand?" He reached out to grip Castiel's shoulder and felt that he was shaking. He wasn't prepared for the crying face of the Angel in front of him. And that's "Angel" with a capital "A" because he will always be one to Dean.
"Then why are you asking me to leave, Dean? This kindness is confusing! Your anger would have been less painful," Castiel whispers as if he was afraid speaking any louder would bring the yelling he had been expecting.
The Hunter doesn't know if he can handle this, but Castiel has the right to know why he's being forced out the door. He bites down on his lip as he forms the words. "Look, it's Sam," he breathes, "Ezekiel is in him right now and he doesn't know; he's trying to heal himself and Sam at the same time. Zeke thinks that having you around will bring the Angels to us and he says he's not strong enough to take care of us if you attract them here. He told me that if you don't leave that he will and I can't deal with that. I just can't let him leave with Sammy when they're both so fragile, man! God, and it sucks because you're going to think that you're expendable to me and you're not! But I don't know what else to do, Cas!" By now he was speaking through his hands because he could feel a headache coming on and it was hard enough trying not to get emotional while looking at his Angel. Yes, his. He's not sure when he became possessive over Castiel, but he thinks that it probably happened when they were in Hell.
Castiel takes a second to breathe and calm himself before resting a tentative hand on Dean's knee. If Dean has been forced to make a decision then the least he can do is make it easier for him. "I will leave now, then," he answers before softly getting up from his seat and making his way out the bunker.
Dean has barely registered what came out of the Angel's mouth before Castiel was halfway across the room with a foot on the stairs that lead outside. Before he could stop himself, he jumped out of his seat and grabbed Castiel's wrist and turned him so that they faced each other. "What are you doing, Dean?! Let me go! You're putting yourself and your brother at risk by keeping me here and I refuse to be the cause of more hardship between you anymore! I'm trying to make this easier for you. Don't make this harder than it already is," Castiel pleaded. He refused to look at his Hunter in the eyes because he wasn't strong enough to deal with all these emotions.
"There ain't nothing easy about this, Cas, and I'm not letting you leave until you've got everything you'll need to survive without us. I think it'll be ok for you to stay at least one night anyway, man. C'mon," said Dean as he turned to lead them away from the stairs, but was stopped when Castiel tried to pull out of his grip.
"Dean that is not wise-"
"I don't care what's wise, Cas, I care about you!" Dean yells in response. He's more mad at himself and this shit hole he calls a life than he is at Castiel but he knows that the other man will understand. Dean angrily grabs the Angel's hand and rushes him towards one of the bedrooms. He doesn't let go of his hand until they're in the middle of a mostly barren bedroom. "This is your room," Dean says to break the silence.
"My room?" Castiel asks tentatively as he slowly walks into the room.
"Yeah. It's right next to mine. I even put stuff in here from the storage that reminded me of you or I thought might interest you," replied Dean with a nervous cough.
Castiel glances around the room and notices various objects that are the same shade of blue as his eyes littered at random on desks and drawers around the room. There are weapons lining the walls as well but the thing that stood out the most to him was a pair of figurines on one of the bed side tables.
They were minimalist in nature but they were still distinguishable as himself and Dean looking into each other's eyes, as was their habit. The shorter one had blue eyes, and the wood in place of his hair was stained dark brown and had miniature wings placed on its back. The wings were painted black with blue highlights. Castiel is sure he has never made his wings materialize on this plane in front of Dean before and is surprised that the man instinctually knew what they looked like. The taller one has green eyes and little dots for freckles all across the cheeks.
There was also something intimate in the way the figures were naked but not in any way was it crude. They were positioned in such a way that they were holding each other around the waist. Their faces were close to each other and they gave the impression of two people that were close physically yet far away and it reminded the Angel of their relationship. It left him breathless.
"Did you make these, Dean?" Castiel asked in a whisper as he went to touch them as delicately as possible.
"Y-yeah. I did," the hunter answered hesitantly.
"I didn't know you had this talent."
"I didn't either, actually," Dean chuckled nervously, "I just found a piece of wood and some carving tools and kind of just went at it."
"They're beautiful," said the Angel as he caressed the face of the figure representative of Dean. He turned to find the Hunter standing directly behind him and his breath caught in his throat. Will it finally happen? he thought to himself. Castiel could feel that familiar magnetic pull towards Dean and found himself leaning forward slowly. He will not deny the fact that he has harbored feelings for his charge for what felt like centuries. He could feel Dean's breath on his lips, but right before they met, Dean pulled away with a pained look on his face. He doesn't need to be an Angel to know the turmoil that is whirling around in his Hunter's mind. Another time, another place perhaps.
Dean knows that God knows he wants to kiss the man in front of him but he can't bring himself to do it. He knows where it would lead and he's aware that the repercussions of those actions were sure to be heartache and loss as was his experience with all of his relationships. If he was going to do something like that with Castiel, it was going to mean something and there was going to be a promise of more to come. He's a 35 year old man and he's done with the one night stands and the faceless/nameless girls. He wants a relationship that means something to him. Castiel is that person but this is not the time because he has to leave. He backs away from the Angel and clears his throat.
"Let's pack you a bag," Dean says with a broken smile as he turns to leave the room and enter his own with Castiel trailing him. He reaches into the bottom of his closet and pulls out an empty duffle bag. He starts flipping through his clothes and tossing whatever doesn't fit anymore onto his bed. Once he has a sizable pile, he starts folding them and placing them in the bag. All the while, both men are quiet as if afraid to break whatever fragile peace there is right now. Dean goes into his en suite bathroom and takes out any toiletries Castiel will need on his journey and places those in the bag as well.
Lastly, Dean takes out his wallet and places all of his money into one of the socks he has given to the Angel. "I'll be right back," Dean says as hurries from the room.
Castiel sits on the edge of the bed and leans his elbows on his thighs and runs his fingers through his hair in despair. The tension between him and Dean is heart wrenching and more so for the Angel since he is still new to many of the emotions running amok in his mind. It was easier to ignore them as an Angel. The impending doom of his departure feels enough to tear him apart. He straightens up as hears Dean making his way back to the room.
"Alright, Cas. I've got you some cell phones that Charlie rigged for us so that we don't have to keep buying minutes. I'm giving you more than one so that if you lose one or something, you've got another. I got you a couple of credit cards and IDs too so you don't have to worry about starving or not having a place to stay. If we ever happen to be doing a job and you're close by...I'll make sure to bring you anything you need. I just want you to go around and do whatever the hell you want, dude. Sight-see, hike, whatever your little heart desires."
Castiel had to work hard to refrain from saying that his heart can't have what it desires since he is having to leave Dean behind, but he decided against it and merely nodded in response.
"OK, I'm gonna put this in your room and I'll meet you in the kitchen. I'm gonna make something extra special for dinner." As Dean made his way out the door he stopped abruptly and turned to Castiel once again. "Remember, Sammy doesn't know about Zeke. If he asks where you're going, just follow my lead, ok?"
"Yes, of course, Dean."
"Also, you're going to need to buy underwear 'cause I've got to draw the line somewhere, dude," Dean chuckles as he turns out of the room.
As Castiel made his way into the kitchen he saw that it was empty and he couldn't have asked for more. He didn't want to talk to anyone just yet. He had a lot of things he still needed to process about his situation and adding Sam or Kevin to the mix wouldn't be good right now. He had been looking forward to coming to stay in the bunker with the boys and here it is being pulled out from beneath him, and there was nobody there to catch him as he fell.
The eldest Winchester makes his way to the kitchen but pauses for a moment to collect his thoughts that he had been pointedly avoiding while in the presence of the Angel. He nearly kissed Castiel 15 minutes ago and they're both ignoring that fact. The thing is...earlier he had been sure that this was the best course of action but now...not so much. This is his last guaranteed chance to let all of these things off his chest and he doesn't know if he will ever get another. Hell, he's avoided this for long enough as it is. It's been around 5 years since he was gripped tight and raised from Perdition and it's about time he raised Castiel back from the dead, too. Now, he just needed the right window.
Later, as the brothers and the Angel ate their dinner (Dean's special burgers, fries, and homemade apple pie) Sam decided to break the awkward silence that was suffocating everyone in the room.
"So, Cas, how'd you like your room?" he asked looking pointedly at Dean. He has seen those figurines, he's not stupid. If anything, it solidified every theory he had about the two men across from him.
"I like it very much," Castiel answered looking up briefly to address Sam and then back down towards his food.
"Yeah? Dean spent forever putting it together. Wouldn't let me pick anything to go in there," Sam replied with a pointed smile at his now blushing brother. He totally deserves an award for being the best little bro.
"Is that so?" asked Castiel looking in Dean's direction with a twinkle of amusement in his eye.
"Well, yeah!" blurted Dean. "I couldn't let that numskull pick stuff for your room. He wouldn't know what to put in there," he added defensively.
Sam snorted into his food as Castiel let a small smile creep onto his face before it fell into a sad expression. "It is a shame, then, that I will only be enjoying it for one night," said Castiel solemnly.
Sam dropped his fork and looked sternly at his brother, "What's he talking about, Dean?"
The elder brother closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, but didn't say anything.
Castiel cleared his throat to bring the attention back onto himself. "Actually, it's my decision, Sam. I am a threat to your well being here. Angels will one day come looking for me and I don't want to risk your safety. Dean has been trying to convince me to stay but I will hear none of it."
Sam's mouth was wide open in confusion and staring between the two men in front of him. He knew his brother would be an idiot about his feelings for the Angel, but he didn't it know it would be this bad. Well, if Dean won't help himself then Sam is more than willing to grovel for his brother's chance at happiness. "Obviously Dean didn't try hard enough if you're still leaving! You have no idea how much this guy hurts when you're missing, Cas! He's a mess when you're not here-"
"Sam, that's enough! We're not going to talk about this. Cas is leaving because he wants to and that's that!" Sam is taken aback by the ferocity of Dean's words. He's aware that he may have crossed a line but these guys have been avoiding the inevitable for too long.
"Whatever," Sam spits out as he angrily leaves the rest of his dessert on the table and makes his way to his bedroom. Dean doesn't breathe until he hears Sam's door slam shut.
"I'm sorry, Dean. I thought that was the best way to handle the question of my leaving," whispered Castiel.
"I gotta admit it didn't go the way I thought it would, Cas, but...at least we got that out of the way. Samantha must be on her period or something."
An hour later, Castiel and Dean make their way towards their bedrooms. Dean pauses in front of his door and softly wishes Castiel a good night before hurriedly going into his room and abruptly shutting the door. Castiel heaves a sigh as he makes his way into his own room and slowly strips down to his boxers after closing the door. He climbs into his bed and feels his body relax almost immediately into the memory foam mattress.
In his own room, Dean is restlessly tossing and turning, his stomach in knots. A part of him wants to be selfish for the both of them but the part of him that doesn't want to deal with the aftermath is keeping him glued to his bed. His window of opportunity is closing quickly and here he is being a coward.
For as long as he can remember, he has never felt this particular kind of need within him. If he needed a fuck, he went and found one. Simple as that. From the day he met Castiel, however, his number of conquests has diminished with increasing frequency and his dreams drifted from the voluptuous forms of busty asian beauties to that of a blue eyed Angel. It took him a long time to get over the fact that Castiel in his true form may not have a gender but that he is currently residing in a very male vessel that he won't be leaving. Once he came to terms with that, however, Dean had come to the realization that he wasn't just looking for a one night stand with Castiel. In fact, he caught himself in many a day dream that were entirely too domestic for his consciousness to swallow which only scared him and made him push the man away.
Yet, despite the betrayal he went through with Castiel a few years back, those feelings were ever present. If anything, they were stronger. He knew they had to be because he had found it within himself to forgive the Angel over and over and over. This would probably always be the case when it came to Castiel.
Dean steels himself, finally, and gets out of bed and quietly walks into his Angel's room. It is now or never.
Castiel was in that midway point between the waking and slumbering world when he heard the door to his room open. He doesn't need to open his eyes to know that it's Dean.
"Is something the matter, Dean?" he whispers. Surely the only reason Dean would bother him would be for help.
"Actually...yes. Yes there is," the hunter answers as his goes to sit on the edge of the bed.
"Is it Sam? How may I be of assistance?" Castiel asks as he tries to sit up only to find Dean's hand on his chest stopping him. "Dean wha-" He is cut off from asking his question by a pair of tentative lips on his own. Before he loses himself in the sensation, he pushes Dean back with a confused glint in his eye and a tilt to his head. "What're you doing, Dean?" This is more than he could have hoped for, but he can't help but question the motives behind Dean's actions. He doesn't want to explore a new side to their relationship one time and then be forced to forget about it.
"I honestly don't know. I just know that you and I have been skirting around this thing-this mutual feeling we have between us for too fucking long and this might be the only time I ever get to express it to you," Dean stated in a hurry as if afraid that if it wasn't said quick enough, it wouldn't be said at all. "I don't know if something will happen to me or to you and I never see you again, and I don't want to regret never having taken this step with you."
"Are you propositioning me for sex?" Castiel can feel his heart constricting at the thought that this will merely be a romp in the sheets for Dean; another notch in his belt.
"No. I'm asking for permission to make love to you, Cas, as corny as that sounds," Dean chuckled nervously.
"Isn't that the same thing?" asked Castiel in a perplexed tone.
"No, and I'd like to show you the difference. If you want, that is," replied Dean as he brushed his hand nervously through the hair at the back of his head.
"Will I regret this later?" asks Castiel before he can stop himself.
Dean knows that the next thing out of his mouth will determine how this will go.
"Listen, the only other person that I ever felt this strongly for was named Cassie. She and I didn't work for reasons that don't matter right now, but when I heard your name for the first time, I just knew you were going to be something special to me. And you are, man. That whole 'profound bond' spiel that you gave a few years ago is one of many things I would like to call this thing. I just-I want one night with you now as a promise that the next time I see you and every time after that, will end in this way. But it's not about the sex, Cas, I need you to understand that I want to build something with you that will blow everything else away. You're always going to be my Angel, Cas, literally and figuratively and," he said as he brought a hand to the other man's face, "I want to give you your wings back if only for tonight."
Castiel was at a loss for words. Dean had been more expressive in the last 4 minutes than he has been in his whole life up until now, and he can't let this go to waste. He brought a shaky hand to cup Dean's cheek lovingly. "Please, Dean. Show me what it means to have wings again," he whispered, "I need to remember what it means to soar."
That was the only answer Dean needed and he leaned into the hand stroking his face before bringing himself down over Castiel.
The hunter ran his tongue along the seam of Castiel's lips and surged the organ forward when he felt the Angel gasp, winning the fight for dominance not long after. Just as it was getting difficult to breathe, Dean moved his attention to the smaller man's jaw. He reveled in the feel of stubble on stubble against his cheek as he ventured further and grabbed the lobe of Castiel's ear between his teeth. The man underneath him shuddered and thrust his hips upwards in response to the sensation.
Dean couldn't help the chuckle that escaped him.
"That's not funny, Dean, my ears are sensitive," Castiel stated sternly.
"I know, I'm sorry," the hunter chuckled. He continued his exploration of the writhing being in front of him until Castiel was an utter moaning, breathless mess. Dean had never taken so much time to worship the body of another as he was doing now. There wasn't a centimeter of skin untouched and Castiel's body was flushed to match the many marks Dean had taken the time to make.
"D-Dean...please...too much-can't-" stuttered Castiel.
"Shhh, sweetheart. It's alright. Be patient, I ain't through with you just yet," the eldest Winchester breathed against plump lips.
Castiel whimpered when Dean got up to rummage through one of the drawers for lube. When he turned back around, Castiel was running his hand along his length.
"Ah-ah, Castiel. Can't have you hurrying this along," said Dean as he came back and pulled Castiel's hands away. "Can you spread your legs for me, darlin'?" As Castiel complies with his request, Dean lays down with his face very near the Angel's member. He tests the waters a little by licking a tentative stripe on the underside of his soon-to-be-lover's cock.
"Dean what are you doing?"
"Do ya trust me, Cas?"
"Yes."
"Then lay back and relax, babe."
Dean returns to his task and takes Castiel into his mouth. Immediately he feels hands in his hair, gripping almost too tight. He uses his tongue as a distraction for what his fingers are doing.
Castiel is lost in the sensation of Dean's tongue until he feels fingers toying with his entrance. He hurried to relax, though, because he'd watched humanity long enough to know that tensing up would only make this more painful. When the hunter had three fingers moving in and out of him, the Angel had decided that he was done being patient.
"Dean. Enough. I can't take much more," Castiel's voice cut though the heavy breathing curtly.
"Alright, alright," answered Dean after he pulled away from the celestial being in front of him. He rose up from the bed to take off his own underwear and released his aching erection to the cold air with a hiss. He grabbed the bottle of lube again and slathered an adequate amount onto his member before leaning over Castiel. "Are you ready, Castiel?" he breathed over parted lips.
Castiel nodded and brought their lips together. Dean entered the Angel with great care all the while laying kisses everywhere he could reach. Once fully seated, he laid still to allow for both to grow accustomed to being whole in each other.
"Dean, you may move," moaned Castiel after a few moments.
"You sure?"
"Yes." The word was hardly out of his mouth before Dean pulled back and set a slow rhythm, ending each forward thrust with a roll of his hips. The hunter continued showering his Angel with kisses, running a hand through his hair and pulling slightly to gauge a reaction out of him. The low groan and scratch of fingers down his back were a positive indication that Dean was pushing all the right buttons so far but there was one thing that seemed just outside of his gras-
"Oh, fuck, Dean. Do that again!" moaned Castiel wantonly. The green eyed man had to pause for a moment to look down at the man beneath him in confusion. He's never heard Castiel curse before.
"Why in the name of everything holy did you stop, Dean?" demanded Castiel aggravatedly.
"There ain't nothing holy about what we're doing, Cas," chuckled Dean.
"That is still not sufficient reasoning to cease your ministrations."
Dean smirked before continuing at a faster pace than before, making sure to hit that same place within Castiel.
"God, Dean," breathed Castiel as he ran a hand through his hair. "You feel so good, Dean-GOD-"
"Never knew I'd find blasphemy so fucking hot," whispered Dean in the Angel's ear.
"Fuck, Dean. Don't stop. Deeaaaannn." That last version of his name set Dean afire from within. He knew he was close but he wanted to make sure that Castiel finished first.
"Cas, come for me, baby. Let go," Dean sped up and slammed in a little harder and Castiel was meeting him thrust for thrust. The Angel's breaths were erratic and uneven and his moans were getting increasingly louder and louder. Finally, his orgasm hit him and he clenched down on Dean. Castiel arched into the man above him, grasping the sheets beneath him. This feeling coursing through him was identical to the exhilaration he felt when flying, and he wished that he could feel this way forever.
Seeing Castiel lose himself so wantonly made Dean go over the edge into his own release. After coming down from their highs, Dean pulled out of his lover and laid next to him gasping for breath.
"Can you stay with me the rest of the night, Dean?" inquired Castiel quietly.
"Wouldn't dream of leaving, Cas. Just...don't leave tomorrow without saying goodbye."
"I won't."
Dean laid an arm around Castiel's waist to bring him in closer before falling asleep with his nose in Castiel's hair.
The following morning Dean awoke to an empty bed and he immediately panicked. Should have known that bastard was going to do this. But maybe it was for the best. If Castiel had stayed he might not have allowed him to leave at all. He begrudgingly got out of bed and just as Dean was walking into his bedroom, he heard his cell phone ringing. He ran over to it and caught it right before it cut to voicemail.
"Hello, Dean," came a somber voice.
"Hey, Cas. What did I tell you about leaving before saying goodbye?" he asked sternly.
"It was better this way. I'd still be there if I had awakened you." Dean knew he was right, of course, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt like a son of a bitch.
"I miss you already, Cas," sighed Dean, sitting down on his bed.
"I know...I miss you, too, Dean."
There was a charged silence that commenced after Castiel stopped speaking. Dean could only think of one phrase he needed to say and it was repeating itself like a mantra over and over in his head but he couldn't bring himself to do it just yet.
"I'm going to visit The Grand Canyon," said Castiel after a long enough pause. "I've flown through it in passing but I want to take my time when I go now."
"That sounds great, Cas," replied Dean, "Maybe I could go with you next time and you can show me around."
"I would love that," Dean could hear the smile in his Angel's words and couldn't stop the one that was now making it's way onto his own.
After another slight pause, the hunter could hear a voice calling in the background for passengers to start getting on the bus and Dean decided that enough was enough. He's already committed himself to this so why not say it out loud before it's too late?
"Dean, I have to hang up now. I have to get on the bus."
"Wait! Don't hang up yet!" Dean could feel his pulse quicken and his breaths become shallow. He cleared his throat and gulped down air to calm himself.
"Hurry, Dean. I cannot wait much longer," ground out Castiel impatiently.
"I'm sorry, it's just-this is so hard for me to say," Dean ran a shaky hand through his hair and let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. Now or never, dude. Man UP.
"I love you, Castiel," he managed barely above a whisper.
The hunter heard a gasp and almost inaudible sob on the other end of the line.
"I-I love you, too, Dean," Castiel wipes at his eyes furiously. "God, I love you so much it hurts! I wish that we didn't have to part on such terms but you better go through with your promise. Any chance you get to see me, Dean, I want you there with me. I don't care if it's for five seconds or five years. Just anything." The green-eyed man could hear his Angel sniffle through his outburst and he knew he'd said the right thing. He was the luckiest man alive to be loved by an Angel.
"Don't you worry, sweetheart. I keep my promises." Castiel knows this is true; Dean has never let him down. "Goodbye, Cas. Call me when you get to your next stop."
"Goodbye, Dean."
The hunter stepped into the shower feeling both lighter and heavier in spirit. He'd had to part from his lover, but he knew he'd be seeing him again soon.
So what did y'all think? I promise that this other story that I'm working on will be a lot less sappy and a lot more bad ass. I ran the idea by my lovely Libranfate who gave it a thumbs up :) So get ready for that one soon! :) And don't worry, I haven't forgotten about my other story, "Sure Thing Falling" :3