Twilite
In Arizona, dry cactuses as big as Rosie O'Donell's stomach and cracked sand surrounding a house. Inside the house we find Bella.
Bella- Hi!
No not that enthusiastically.
Bella- *monotone* ughh… I have a cactus.
As she lifts the casmusus we discover her cactus is plastic.
I mean really! She has a big ass cactus outside her fucking door! But no! That douche-whore-jackass is all like "lemme get my plastic casmus." I mean, seriously!
So this bitch flies to Washington to be with her dad. Washington! One of the most depressed states in the US! Really you sound like you cut your wrists and now you move so you can fit in. How sad… literally.
Okay so once she reaces this fucking depression pothole she meets her dad's old friend, Fish Drowning in Running Water and his son… Jacob. I mean how is your name going to be 100% Native American and have tongue clicks and shit and you're going to name your child Jacob. And that just bugs me. How the hell are you going to let your kid not get a fucking haircut. The most simplest shit you can do. But no. Your retarded for letting your son look like a man-lady-wolf-person-magic-unicorn-thing! …Jacob Black the man-lady.
Boojy bitches get on my nerves all the damn time about how their fat and you can see teir rib cage. I just feel the need to shove fried twinkies down their throat. And no Paris Hilton is not saving world hunger by starving herself. No! Thats not hot! Sorry about the random paragraph.
But we digress. So anyways, yeah, Bella meets Jacob and she's all like, "Would you like to play with my casmus?" and Jacob's all like, "uh no?" So, then she goes to Shithole High where she meets a few, obviously unimportant but could make great friends people who she talked to until she met DUN DUN DUUUUN!... The gay fairy!
Edward Cullen is too beautiful to be gay. He probably dated Bella because she looked like an emo dude. He's al like "ooh, emo? das hot!" But, when he sees that she has boots, Edwards all like, "Uh, no! Not fucking that shit." and runs away. But Bella is all like, "God, he's so mysterious!"
I love how she discovers the secret that he's a vampire because she touches his hand. So this who is so pale that she makes mayonaise look brown google "cold hands". She gets for her result: dead people, vampires, and anorexic cats. So she wonders which one of the three he is. Well he isn't dead and he isn't a fucking anorexic cat. So he must be a vampire. Where the fuck is his vampire teeth?!? Have you considered the fact that hes from Alaska. The Alaska where Sarah Palin can see Russia from her house.