Warning: Angst. Loads of it.
Disclaimer :Don't sue me?
Chapter 1.
This is painful. Nothing matters anymore. I would like to die, but I'm already dead. Is the world without Tsuzuki this bleak and colourless? I should have saved him from that fire. I should have. But he wanted to go. He wanted to leave us. He wanted to leave me. That was what he wanted, wasn't it?
Everyone is giving me that look. That look I resent, but barely have enough strength to ask everyone to back off and leave me alone. They have carefully got their shields up all right, but I can still feel them. The emotions. Although I am quite certain no one, not one single soul in Meifu is feeling as much pain as I am in right now.
I stumble into the office, mumbling "good morning" to anyone who passes me. They all stare at me with fear and sympathy etched upon their faces. They say "Good morning, Hisoka," as cheerily as possible but it's all fake. Everything is not real. But it is, and I have got an eternity to live in it. I stare at Tsuzuki's table, the surface covered with half eaten sweets and paperwork undone. There's another sharp pain in my chest as I look at the cake he had eaten but could not finish because we had to go to the meeting. I am kind of grateful that they did not clean up his table yet. I need something to cling on to and even if it was just his food, it will do. For now.
Tatsumi walks in and gives me a look. I pretend not to notice him , although it's obvious that I do due to my empathy. He is in pain too, but I blame him. He was the one who stopped me from going to Tsuzuki. He said it was his wish to die and we should honour it. I hesitated for a while and that was when 'it' happened. Everything fell apart due to the intense heat of Touda's flames, big huge boulders came crashing down and I could not see Tsuzuki anymore. He says good morning to me but I cannot bring myself to look at him in the eye. I cannot bring myself to talk to him normally without wanting to punch his face. Realising that I am not going to talk to him, he nods curtly and goes into his office. He thinks I did not see but I saw him wiping a tear off his face.
Wakaba bounds in the room although her gait is noticeably less spirited. Obviously. She was the one that supplied sweets to Tsuzuki and now he's gone. She comes over and offers me some sweets. "I accidentally made them,"she said softly. I understood what she meant. She was going through her routine of making sweets for Tsuzuki every day. And she forgot that he left us all. I shake my head and manage to choke out a "No thanks." Just that two simple words is enough to make my eyes blur with tears although I fight them and they do not fall.
She nods softly and on her way out, she stops and puts the plate of sweets on Tsuzuki's table. Then she walks out.
Watari comes in, next, 003 on his shoulder. He stops at my table, kneels down and says, "It's going to be okay, Bon." But it's not. It's not going to be okay. Tsuzuki is never going to come back. I stand up furiously, and scream, "What do you mean it's going to be okay?" and he backs away. The whole room looks up at me in fear. Shit, the emotion is getting too much. I close my eyes and attempt to shield my face. "Stop," I moan. Watari understands and leads me out of the room. I let him even though I wanted to run away from everyone. He brings me to his lab and sits me down. He then nags at me like a mother would for a full 20 minutes. I have no idea what he is saying. But then again I am comforted by the fact that he did not stare at me with sympathy like everyone else. Worry and sympathy are two very different things.
I mumble something incoherently when it appears that he is asking me a question. He asks again. What is he talking about? I have no idea. But I nod in response. He shakes his head in frustration and takes it out on me. He rattles on for another 20 minutes but I am not listening either. I just want to disappear from the earth. Please, someone, just kill me. Watari's concern grows and it is getting too much for me to handle. I stumble away from him and say shakily, "I want to go home." He stops ranting and apologises to me. I try to stand up but I faint. God, I'm lame.
Tsuzuki is muttering something about him not being a human. He is drinking too much. Obviously he is hurting. He asks me, "Hisoka, if I am not a human, then what am I?" I do not know how to answer him because he is human, to me. What else can he be? How can a sweet, kind-hearted, generous goofball be anything else but a human? I just say his name. He runs out of the bar and bangs his head on the wall, wanting to take his eyes out. He says the colour of his eyes is not human.
I run after him and try to stop him. I grab him from the back and as a result got sucked into his memories of the past. I see him suffering, trying to be like the other kids, wanting to be accepted but ridiculed and insulted and hurled rocks at. His pain and guilt is intense. My heart breaks too as I try to stop him. I tell him that he is human and he should stop crying. I wipe his tears away and I hug him, wanting to make him stop being so guilty over his job as a shinigami, taking other people's lives away.
We sit in a corner of a secluded playground, Tsuzuki on my lap. He looks up at me and asks, again and again. "Am I human?" I nod. "Yeah, you are human." He smiles a tiny smile. "I see. I am human." And I smile. Everything is all right again, at least, for a little while.
And now, he's gone.
It makes me wonder, just how much I really mean to him, to have him leave me so easily. To just let go of the people you care about, and embrace the darkness. Maybe if I had gotten to him anyway, it would not have made a difference, if he did not care about me. He would have still wanted to die. Yes, that's probably it.
And with that, I weep. I have not shed a single tear since yesterday, when Tsuzuki left. I cried for him. I cried for the things he did to me because now, I am alone. Again. I should have known. Happiness is not forever. As the darkness took over, I was aware of Tatsumi ruffling my hair, willing me to stop crying. For a moment, I realize I'm not at home. I can hear Tatsumi talking to Watari, but the words are fuzzy to my ears. Maybe he regrets stopping me.
I close my eyes, wanting to go to sleep.
Why did you leave me, Tsuzuki?
:P Whaddya think? Worthy enough to continue? Or shud I just leave it as a one-shot? Or did it suck? Review!