(A/N: As the more attentive reader has already noticed, this is The Duchess' parody of and tribute to in particular the fabulous 2003 film of Peter Pan, and (to a lesser extent, but just as lovingly) of/to the absolute innuendo-fest that are the novel and the play of Peter Pan as written by JM Barrie. It is based mainly on the very unhealthy thoughts that this film- and the books too- provoke. Remember; this story is not for the faint-hearted, but also bear in mind that I mock avidly, mercilessly, and passionately because I love avidly, mercilessly, and passionately. Thank you for spending your undoubtedly precious time reading this nonsense. Sincerely, The Duchess)

Wet and Weedy Productions Present:

Peter Pants and Captain Fag

Episode 1: 'Tis poetry in motion!

Wendy Darling was a very ordinary girl, who liked to make up long, elaborate Freudian fantasies about her father. Er.......who liked to make up stories. Yes. And she also happened to be a wizard. Oh no, sorry, wrong fandom. Instead, she had two younger brothers, that she liked to play with. Very innocently. Honest. Even though they pricked each other with swords and whatnot. Anyway. Wendy had a mother, Mrs Darling, and, unsurprisingly, also had a father, Mr Darling. Her mother was beautiful and all those other things you expect a mother to be. Her father was sexually repressed, and therefore there was a strange tension around him whatever he did. They also had a dog who dressed up as a nurse, for some obscure, probably libido-related reason. There was a very un-canon aunt who sometimes came along to stress the extreme sexual repression of Edwardian society. There was also a strange, voyeuristic boy who came and watched Wendy and her brothers at night. All in all, it was a very normal and disturbing family. Let's get on with the story, shall we.

Wendy: "And now I'll tell a story about pirates!"

Aunt: "Oh dear, it's starting already. Wendy, I have to make you aware of your sexual attractiveness, even though you're only....well, young."

Mrs Darling: "Isn't she a bit young for that?"

Aunt: "Obviously not, if she's already making up stories about being kidnapped by pirates who want to plunge their hook in her."

Mr Darling: "Good point! We must immediately begin to repress it."

Aunt: "Lovely. So, why don't you start by tying up that provocative and irresistibly sexy dog nurse."

Mr Darling: "Excuse me?"

Aunt: ".....Nothing."

That night, the voyeuristic boy visited. He lost his shadow, which no-one noticed. In order to make the Freudian point a bit clearer, Wendy drew a picture of her in bed with the voyeuristic boy on top of her, which immediately provoked her teacher into appealing dominatrix behaviour. She also sent a letter to Mr Darling so that there could be a nice slapstick scene. Mr Darling, who was trying to chat up his employer, and was feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the fact that he was so close to another man and the feelings that provoked, was only too happy when the letter, the idiot carrier boy, the dog nurse and Wendy arrived, in a beautiful slapstick sequence. Somehow this made him realise the importance of repressing sexuality and he tied up the dog nurse in the garden. Conveniently leaving his children easy prey for the voyeuristic boy, as he and Mrs Darling left for a party....

A blob of light comes flying through the window of the nursery.
Blob of light: "Ring ring ring. I wreck lots of things and still don't wake anyone up."

The voyeuristic boy soon follows;
Voyeuristic boy: "More slapstick! Shadow slapstick! How delightfully 1930s."
The voyeuristic boy proceeds to have a slapstick moment with his shadow. This wakes up Wendy.

Wendy: "Whoo, a boy! In my room! He's crying! He must be sensitive."

Voyeuristic Boy: "NO! I am not sensitive! I must show traditional masculine behaviour, but in a charmingly cocky and youthful fashion! Anyway, I am pretty enough to get away with it."

Wendy: "Oh, how charmingly cocky and youthful you are! I love you already. Tell me your name."

Voyeuristic Boy: "My name is......Peter Pants."

Wendy: "Perfectly wonderful. And so handsome."

Peter Pants: "Yes. Now let me kidnap you."

Wendy: "Okay! But be a dear and kidnap my brothers too."

Peter Pants: "If you insist. Oh, damn, I forgot to introduce that fairy. Tinkerthing."

Wendy: "Tinkerbell?" P

eter Pants: "Yeah, that one. Though, knowing her, she'll probably come and strangle you within now and five minutes."

Tinkerbell: "Ring Ring. Ring Ring Ring. Etcetera."

Peter Pants: "Er.... She says ring ring. Ring Ring Ring."

Wendy: "Right. Aren't we going to fly?"

Peter Pants: "Oh, yeah. Wake up your brothers then."

Wendy: "John! Michael! There is a half-naked boy here! And his fairy!"

John: "I feel sexually threatened already."

Michael: "Fun."

Wendy: "So, how are we going to fly?"

Peter Pants: "Well, first you need some fairy jizz.....er..DUST. Fairy dust. Yeah. And then you think happy thoughts, and off you go!"

Wendy: "Quite."

Wendy, John and Michael all have some fairy DUST, and start flying. Whoohoo. They fly all the way to Neverland, where the Michael Jacksons live.
In The Meantime.... The dog, Mr and Mrs Darling all have a beautiful slapstick moment. They rush home to stop their children from running away with a strange half- naked boy and his psychopathic fairy, but alas! They have already gone. (A/N: Because of the Duchess' undying love for short, concise chapters, the story will continue in Chapter 2, where they arrive in the land of the Michael Jacksons, and the adventure begins....oooohohohohoh! Are you excited yet? You should be!)