Life
This fic may come across as a little strange at first, but it will all become clear, I promise! It's been inspired by A Christmas Carol (yes, I know it's only March), but if this story proves unpopular, I will remove it.
I don't own South Park.
RIP Jade Goody – may you be the brightest star in the sky.
Chapter 1 – The Visitation
Eric Cartman trembled as he looked at the small piece of paper clenched gently between his finger and thumb. He took a deep breath and read it – then, unable to resist, he read it again, and again. He exhaled deeply.
"Fucking beautiful," he murmured.
Pay Eric Theodore Cartman the sum of $750,000. He stared at all those lovely numbers and thought about all the havoc he could cause with that money. Watch out world, Eric Cartman's filthy stinking rich! The assholes in South Park won't know what's hit them, he thought happily.
Who knew that Great Aunt Lucy had so much money stashed away, anyway? Certainly not Cartman's mom Liane, who'd fainted when he'd shown her his new found wealth. Clearly Great Aunt Lucy, who owned 20 cats and had lived in the same purple dress for the past 5 years, had not been the batty old dyke everybody thought she was.
Of course, this wasn't the first time Cartman had inherited a fortune: there was the time, a few years ago, when his gran had left him a million dollars, which he'd blown on his own private theme park, Cartmanland. He had only been 10 years old back then, though. He was 13 now, a lot older, and a hell of a lot wiser. He would not do anything so frivolous this time. Not yet, anyway.
Cartman put the cheque down on his desk and got his favourite Terrance and Phillip pyjamas from a chest of drawers. As he undressed, he couldn't help remembering the reaction of his friends when he'd told them the wonderful news. Kyle's reaction was the best, as he'd known it would be. Every time anything good happened to Cartman, Kyle got mad, which made Cartman incredibly happy. So of course he made sure Kyle heard the news before anyone else.
"$750,000!" Kyle had shouted in disbelief. "$750,000! You get a million a few years ago and now you get $750,000! Jesus Christ!"
In the end, Kyle had become so irate that had had to send him outside to cool off.
Most of the other kids in Cartman's class had reacted in the same way as Kyle, others had made dark comments about murdering old ladies. Cartman was pretty sure he'd heard Craig Tucker mutter:
"There is no God."
Nobody had congratulated Cartman on his sudden windfall, but then, being the most hated kid in South Park, he hadn't expected them to. Not that he cared what that bunch of faggots thought, anyway.
The only person who had even attempted to be nice to him was Kenny McCormack, and that was only because he was trying to mooch money. Cartman smiled. That conversation had been a particular highlight of his day.
"Hey Cartman," Kenny had said, sidling up to him as he was getting stuff out of his locker. "Heard about your windfall. Good news, huh?"
"Yep."
"Yeah." Kenny had stood there, shifting from foot to foot anxiously. "See, now you're so incredibly rich and all, and we've been friends for a long time now, a really long time, I mean, who else would've put up with you for so long? No, wait, that's not what I mean, forget I said that – "
"Spit it out, Kenny."
"I need $10,000." Kenny had swallowed hard. This was not the kind of conversation you wanted to conduct in a crowded school hallway. "We're behind with payments on the house, we're up to our necks in debt already and we can't get any more credit…Cartman, this is not funny!"
Cartman had turned around, unable to hide his laughter. He leaned against his locker and wiped his eyes. "I'm sorry. I love the way you call your little shack a house. It's cute. Do go on."
"Anyway, bottom line is, if we don't pay up soon, we're going to lose our house." Kenny had sighed deeply. He looked even poorer than ever, if that were possible – his old orange parka had holes in it, and the soles of his trainers were hanging off. He looked like the weight of the world was on his bony shoulders. "Please Cartman, I'm begging you, as my friend – help me."
"Gee, let me think," Cartman had said, pretending to look quizzical. "I can either give you and your dirty family some of my hard earned money or I can spend your $10,000 on something really awesome… for me. Hmm. Damn, this is a tough one." He pretended to think for a moment. "You know what? I think I'll keep the money."
"You're a fucking asshole, Cartman!"
"You know, you really shouldn't take this out on me, Kenny. It's not my fault you're so goddamn poor."
"You know what, Cartman? You're gonna regret this. One day, I'm gonna bite back. I'll make you get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness." And with that, Kenny had stormed off, the bottoms of his battered trainers flapping on the floor.
Cartman grinned as he remembered Kenny's indignation. What could that poor-ass bastard ever do to him? It would be sad if it wasn't so funny.
He picked up the cheque and kissed it, then locked it away inside the top drawer of his desk, just in case those assholes Kyle and Kenny got any ideas. Which, knowing the two of them as well as he did, was pretty unlikely but still, you couldn't be too careful.
Cartman climbed into bed and flicked off his bedside lamp. He sighed happily as he cuddled down under his Terrance and Phillip duvet. Soon he had drifted off into a contented, peaceful sleep. He was having a wonderful dream about skinny dipping in a swimming pool filled with lovely green dollars when he heard it – a soft, ethereal voice calling his name:
"Cartman! Eric Cartman…"
His eyes snapped open and he gripped the baseball bat hidden under his pillow.
"Eric Cartman?" The voice was close by now.
Cartman sat up, turned on the bedside lamp and brandished the bat. "Try anything and I'll fucking lamp…you?"
He stared in astonishment at a girl standing next to his bed. She was tall and pretty, with long wavy blond hair and blue eyes. She wore a faded denim jacket, pink T-shirt and jeans. She looked worried.
Cartman half lowered the bat. He probably would've lashed out had she been a boy, but the fact that she was a girl complicated matters somewhat. Cartman remembered all too clearly the last time he had challenged a girl she had beaten him up in front of his friends. But then the girl had been Wendy Testaburger, who everybody knew was a stupid lesbian whore.
"Who are you?" he asked warily.
"Are you Eric Cartman?" she asked, in that same soft, unsettling voice.
"Yeah, I'm Eric Cartman. Who the hell are you?"
"Oh, thank God." She almost sank to her knees with relief. "I'm sorry I'm so late. I got lost and I've been to two different houses looking for you and then I started panicking because one of the boys I thought was you – this little blond haired kid – started freaking out but it all turned out okay because the other kid I thought was you – he told me his name but I forget now, I think it was Steve or Stan or something, told me where you lived. So here I am!"
Cartman stared at her, openmouthed, then said slowly: "Who…are…you?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. My name's Heather." She straightened up. "I've come to warn you, Eric Cartman: if you don't give Kenny McCormack the money he needs to save his house, there will be dire consequences; not just for you, but for the whole of South Park."
"Is this some kind of joke? Are you from a homeless charity or something?"
"Not exactly, no." Heather sat down on the bed. Well, she sat down and floated about six inches above it.
Cartman stared at her again. "You're a ghost," he said matter-of-factly.
"We prefer the term 'spirit guide'," she replied. "Look, I know you probably don't believe me, but I have the proof right here." She dipped into her jacket pocket and pulled out a nondescript looking Blu-Ray case. "Your future is in here."
"My future is on Blu-Ray?" Cartman asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, we like to keep with the times," Heather said dismissively. "Visions are so 19th century." She stood up. "You can watch it or not, it's no skin off my nose. But you've only got one chance – I won't be coming back again. Between you and me," she leant in conspiratorially, "my erm, boss wouldn't be happy if He knew I was here. Technically, we're not allowed to interfere with events down here. I could be sent down into purgatory if He finds out. So, you can either watch this now and avoid a future filled with pain and misery, or you can experience it for yourself in about 20 years time."
Cartman gazed at the Blu-Ray case for a moment, then said: "Ah, why the hell not? I like a good movie."
"Believe me, this is not a good movie."
Cartman took the case, removed the disc and popped it into his Blu-Ray player. He jumped as the TV came on by itself. He sat cross-legged on his bed, and glanced at Heather again. She was looking back at him with an almost pitiful look on her face.
"If you're not supposed to be here, why are you?" he asked.
"Because I lived in South Park, once upon a time," Heather said wistfully. "I still love it, even if it is the weirdest town in the world. I've seen what's going to happen here, and I have to try to change it. Which is why I'm begging you: please, give Kenny the money, before it's too late."
"Why should I?" Cartman asked defiantly.
"I'll show you why." She waved her hand in front of the TV. The disc started to play. "Eric Cartman, this is your future."
Okay, that's the end of chapter one. Like I said at the top, this story is a bit weird, but please stick with it, it will get better. Hopefully.
Chapter 2 up soon…