Falling To Pieces
The human heart. It's the body's most vital organ. It pumps blood around our bodies and keeps us alive. People say the heart controls our emotions, but that's just a myth. You can cut a heart open and put it together again, but there's no soul there. The heart is really just a lump of muscle. As surgeons, we can fix broken hearts; they can be fixed. So why is it, when the ones we love leave us, that we still feel like it's been torn in half?
"Derek, it's me again. Zola's fine, she's sleeping. But please Derek, I need to talk to you. I'm not cut out for this; motherhood. It's not me, but I'm sure as hell gonna try and do a good job of it. Zola deserves better than just me, so please. Call me back."
"Even Cristina's gone. OK, she's just downstairs, but she isn't really here for me. I kicked Alex out, Izzie's gone, George is dead, I drove you away, Lexie was never really here for me and not even April's around. My family, my make-shift family, is falling apart; and it's my fault. I did this. I'm dark and twisty Meredith, I have daddy issues and abandonment issues. I'm broken, I'm running on empty. So, I need you. Even if you don't want me, I need you. Please call me back."
"I ran out of supplies today. I had to go to the store and I had no idea what to get. I…this isn't me, Derek. You know about my childhood. You know that being a mother and a surgeon doesn't mix with no support system. I don't want Zola to be raised in the hospital, seeing more of the nurses than of her mom. She deserves better than that. So, Derek. Don't turn you back on her. Stay, if not for me then for Zola. Call me back."
"So, Mark invited me over today. We talked and Zola got a chance to play with Sofia. OK, Sofia couldn't really play, as such, but Zola looked like she enjoyed endlessly nudging her. Mark missed you too, Derek, I asked Callie and Arizona, but neither of them have seen you. Derek, it's been four days. I know you need your space, but this is getting ridiculous. If you aren't back tomorrow, I'm calling Addison. Call me back."
"I didn't need to phone Addison. Callie told her and she turned up on my doorstep this morning. She's probably the last person I would have asked, but she's been amazing with Zola. She and Arizona took me shopping to show me everything I needed and she even spoke to the chief and she's staying for at least a month. Look, what I'm trying to say is that I'm coping. And Zola is your daughter. You should be here to help me, it should be you coming with my to choose which baby food flavour or which diaper brand. You're missing out on this, Derek, and you really don't want to. Call me back."
"Derek, the social worker's coming tomorrow. They gave Zola to us; not me. We're a team, Derek. You and me; we're a team. We've been through so much, I mean, we're Meredith and Derek! I don't want things to change. And I know this is all my fault, Derek, I know that. I just…can we at least talk?" Six days, six messages, no Derek. "Call me back." Meredith sighed and flipped her phone shut. She turned around and landed on the couch, fighting back the tears that threatened to roll down her cheeks at any given moment. She wouldn't cry because, if she cried, it would all become real. Right now, she was floating. Not in the happy bouncy sense; she was lost. She was drifting just above the surface, threateningly close to losing control, but not to far away from safety. If Derek left her, it would be as if she was a balloon and someone had let go of her string. She needed something to pull her back to earth. She heard a high-pitched giggle from upstairs and she smiled, standing to climb the stairs and follow the sound. She stood in the doorway of her adopted daughter's room, She stood and watched as Zola laughed and played with the tall redhead Meredith had even come to call a friend. After a few minutes, the toddler looked up and smiled at her mom. Meredith smiled back and stepped into the room, picking up the excited little girl and holding her tightly to her chest. She had found her gravity. She had all that she needed to keep her tied to the ground. The doorbell rang and Meredith felt her heart leap in her ribcage. Addison looked up at her and a flash of knowing crossed the tall woman's features. She reached up and took Zola, watching as Meredith turned out of the room quickly and listened to the sound of footsteps as the resident hurried down the stairs. Opening the door Meredith was faced, not with a world-class neurosurgeon, but with a large group of her colleagues. Cristina was at the front of the group, flanked by Callie and Arizona. Teddy stood closely behind them, next to Lexie and Bailey.
"Cristina called us." Callie explained, noticing the confused look on Meredith's face.
"You're not alone, Meredith." Lexie said.
"We're here for you." April's head popped up from behind the younger Grey and Bailey.
"Girls night!" Arizona said excitedly. Meredith smiled and stepped aside, allowing the group of surgeons into her house. Addison came down the stairs, announcing that Zola was asleep and pizza was on the way. Meredith looked around her, she looked at her friends and smiled once again. Even if Derek was gone for good, even if he left her, she wasn't alone. She wouldn't completely fall to pieces, because she had people there to catch her. Even though the biggest part of her life was missing she felt, in that moment, that she could live without it even if it killed her eventually.
Hearts can be mended. If your heart breaks, you'll be taken to a surgeon who will do everything they can to fix it. However, sometimes we can't. Sometimes, there really is no cure for a broken heart.