Disclaimer: Ouran doesn't belong to me. No profits. Don't sue.

Notes: yes. I know Mary Sues are character. I wanted to say that before somebody decides to 'correct' me.

Once upon a time in Japan, a new girl came to the prestigious school of Ouran. As she walked in the doors and past all the students, odd things began to happen. Couples began to fight, boys turned gay, and many started killing themselves. But this was paid no attention to the girl for she was quite used to these sort of odd things happening around her.

She knew where she needed to be. She was desperately needed.

The Third Music Room.

"I don't understand, Tamaki! He told me he loved me!" One of Tamaki's customers sobbed to him. She looked at him, her eyes red and puffy. "He kissed me and he told me he loved me this morning! Then he just randomly tells me he's gay and leaves me for his best friend! What did I do wrong? Am I ugly? Was I such a horrible girlfriend he felt his only chance for suitable companionship was with a man?"

"Yes, Tamaki, tell us!" All his customers cried out.

Tamaki wasn't sure what to do. All day it had seemed that every girl's boyfriend had left her for some other boy. He looked all around the room to see sobbing girls all over, each host seemed desperate on answers for what to do.

"Hikaru, Kaoru, tell us, are we ugly?

"Um," Hikaru looked very uncomfortable. "No? You're, uh, hot?"

All the girls gasped for it was somehow heard all around the room. They all glared at the twin and he tried to edge his way to hide behind Kaoru but it seemed their eyes were on him no matter where he looked.

"Hot? We are not sex toys! We are more than just bodies to let out your sexual frustration!"

"Yeah!"

They had stopped crying at the very least.

"…At least, not anymore!" They started crying again.

They also seemed to have a very severe case of PMS. Nobody was exactly certain how this happened all at the same time but oh well. They didn't really have a reason on why every guy in the school had turned gay or why there was a heavy rise in the suicide rate.

Hunny was brave enough to try to calm the girls down. "Do you want some cake?"

The girl looked ready to take it before roughly slapping it out of his hands.

"I get it! You want us to get fat! So that way we look unappealing and all the guys turn gay! I ate some of your damn cake yesterday, Hunny, and look at me now! Now I'm fat and unloved!"

All the girls began crying harder. Hunny began crying as well.

"Mori, why aren't you hugging me? Is it because you find me so repulsive to comfort me with a hug? Huh? Is that it, you man?!"

Mori shook his head vehemently.

"Kyouya, why are you looking at me so coolly? Do I bore you that much?"

Kyouya blinked and answered carefully. "I'm the cool type. I think I'm supposed to look at everybody coolly, if you think about it."

The girl he had said that to looked very offended and slapped him across the face.

"Haruhi, what do you have to say about this?"

Haruhi had somehow remained normal during all this but nobody was about to ask about this miracle.

"There's always other fish in the sea."

"…Now we're going to have to mate with fish for some kind of sexual pleasure?"

"We're fish whores!"

And once again, all the girls began to cry harder if that was humanly possible. But it was and so, all the hosts looked at each other, seemingly begging for some kind of answers.

That was when the new girl stepped in. She looked very determined and not at all heartbroken or depressed. But she actually looked very gleeful and very pleased.

Tamaki got up to welcome her but then he froze. He felt very strange. Like that girl had some kind of odd power over him. He turned around, grabbing a girl and kissing her very passionately on the lips.

"Baby, your body's so fine, it has fine written all over it!"

The girl began to giggle and hiked her skirt up. "Oh, Tamaki. Tell me more!"

"If you were a booger, I'd pick you!" He winked and began to heavily make out with the girl. All the hosts looked stunned at this sudden reaction. Since when had Tamaki become such a, well, a slut?

"Tono!" Kaoru said worriedly, standing up. "What's wr-" But then he felt it too. He looked at the girl and pointed, looking horrified. "You! You're M-" But before he had time to say anything, he began to cry.

Hikaru went to his brother' side immediately, automatically very distressed at his twin's crying. "Kaoru! Why are you crying? What's wrong? Are you hurt? Do you need help?"

"Hurt, yes," Kaoru answered, tears running down his face. "Hurt because my love for you is so great, it pains me. But, alas! We are brothers! It is sick! It is wrong! But my love for you is like no other love! Don't you see? Incest is not at all a bad reason even though incest can actually destroy families and ruin family roles, love knows no limits! Let older men have sex with little girls for love knows no age! Let people have sex with their dog! For love knows no species! Let me have sex with you because I love you so much I could die! Die, Hikaru! Do you hear me? Die!"

Hikaru was stunned. "Kaoru, I-" But then he felt as if ice had been poured all over him. He was frozen. He felt as if some force was pulling him in an opposite direction inside him. He looked at the girl, pointing a finger before looking angrily at Kaoru and slapping him. "You sick, disgusting freak! Even though you've been nothing but a great brother to me and you're still the most important thing in my life, I hate you! Die for all I care! I love Haruhi! Haruhi is more important than you! I don't care that you're my twin and you only get one twin and you can have thousands of girls! I am going to ignore you selfishly forever from now on!"

He ran to Haruhi and kissed her fervently as Tamaki told one girl she had a nice rack.

At first Haruhi was about to push Hikaru off of her because she just wasn't sure if his kissing her was very appropriate and she wasn't very certain if she had those sort of feelings for him but then she felt what everybody else had felt and began kissing him back. When they pulled away, she giggled very girlishly.

"Oh, Hikaru. You're so hot and who cares about Kaoru, you know?" She blushed, giggling again. She was beginning to wonder why she had gotten such a boyish haircut in the first place. She looked like such a boy!

"But we look alike! Alike!" Kaoru screamed out very dramatically. "But you're right! Hikaru is the perfect twin! I am the disgusting and ugly twin who deserves to go to Hell!"

"You got that right," Hikaru and Haruhi said at the same time before then proceeding to make out which just caused Kaoru to cry harder and write poems about how he only felt like half a person.

Kyouya, who had been wonderingly what the hell was going on, felt like it was high time he did something but when he stood up, he shivered and then grinned. "Excuse me, friends! I am off to donate all my finest clothes to charity before I go to a soup kitchen! Tootles!"

It was chaos. Tamaki was spewing out cheesy pick-up lines, Kaoru was crying over his half a soul, Hikaru and Haruhi were making their way to a closet, Kyouya was wearing rags because he had donated all of his possessions away, and Mori and Hunny were looking on in horror. What had happened to all their friends?

But then that new girl looked at Hunny and he felt his face twist until he was looking at Mori, a very hungry expression on his face. "Come here, you hot man, you!"

Mori's eyes widened when he felt his friend's lips on his own and he pushed him off of him.

"I say, good sir! Jolly bad form, don't you know? Kissing a bloke like that without any kind of forewarning!"

Hunny smirked. "Oh, I love it when you talk in an English accent!" He then proceeded to try to kiss Mori again, while Mori tried to keep him off of him, shouting out "Bloody Hell!" a lot.

Tamaki walked out of another closet mind you, not the one Hikaru and Haruhi were currently in, with a girl on his arm. He grabbed her ass and said "Sex is like Pringles: once you pop, you can't stop!"

"Oh, Tamaki!" The girl giggled.

Renge walked in and kissed a girl. "I am a lesbian! Isn't that awesome?"

But she was generally ignored and then Hikaru and Haruhi walked out of the closet, both giggling.

"I just lost my virginity!" Hikaru said, raising his arms in the air with a cry of triumph. Haruhi was not deterred from that immature behavior and just giggled some more.

"Bloody hell, Mitsukuni! I must insist you stop touching me there at once!"

"Oh, you turn me on, Takashi!"

Kaoru began writing in his diary, saying everything out loud for some odd reason. "Dear Diary, my life is officially over. For that whore Haruhi has stolen my precious Hikaru's virginity. I should have written on it with sharpie but I guess nothing can ever be permanent. Like my happiness."

"Whore? I ain't no hoe!" Haruhi yelled, walking towards Kaoru in a very stand-offish fashion. "Look in a mirror, bitch! Hikaru's my man, now!"

Kaoru gasped and began crying harder than ever. "Hikaru is my mirror! He is my air! He is my oxygen! If I were a balloon, he'd be my helium! He is the milk to my cheerios!"

"I want your hot man stick, Takashi!"

"…What the bloody hell is a man stick, good sir?"

Hikaru and Haruhi had just walked out of a closet again, Haruhi smoking a cigarette.

"I just had sex! Again!" Hikaru cried out, his arms in the air yet again.

"Dear Diary, Hikaru just had sex again. I have to come to realize that Hikaru will never be my lover. I feel the only option might be death. But death will be much warmer than the coldness I feel on this painful place I am supposed to call Earth and my home."

Tamaki was doing thrusting motions towards a girl, who took it as flattery for some bizarre reason. "I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight."

Kyouya was petting kittens. "Kittens are so soft. They remind me of little clouds that can meow! Hamsters are cute too! If I have a hamster, I think I will name it Hamtaro and he'll be the cutest hamster ever!" Kyouya squealed.

Kaoru had managed to find a gun and was now about to kill himself. He tearfully looked at Hikaru. "Hikaru, know I always loved you. As my brother and…I wish…as my lover…" he sobbed before he killed himself.

Hikaru cried out. "No! Kaoru!" he ran away from Haruhi to Kaoru's now dead body. "Oh, Kaoru. If only you had told me you loved me! If only I had had some kind of hint!"

"Bitch, he said it over and over! Look at his arms! He cut your name into them constantly, he was anorexic, and he was doing drugs!" Haruhi said with a roll of her eyes.

"Why must I be so god damn clueless?" Hikaru screamed, hugging Kaoru's body to him before looking at it sadly. "I'm so sorry, Kaoru. But you should have been more obvious with your feelings. But I guess I should have too. Kaoru, I didn't really want to have sex with Haruhi! I really loved you! But I was too chicken!"

"…Oh, what the hell," Haruhi said, rolling her eyes. "Hikaru, get over it. After all, I can make you feel much better." She gave him a wink.

"…But he was my brother! But you took my virginity…but I loved Kaoru!…But I love you!" Hikaru screamed. "What's wrong with me? Part of me wants to kill myself, another part wants to have sex with you, and another part of me wants to slap myself and ask me why I'm acting like this!" He grabbed his head, screaming out more.

Haruhi was about to say something before she sighed and went to the bathroom. A few seconds later, she came out. "Okay, so. I'm pregnant."

Hikaru's eyes widened. "I'm too young to be a father!" He screamed again. "What's wrong with me?!"

"Well, it might be Tamaki's," Haruhi said, shrugging.

"Boo yah!" Tamaki said with a pelvic thrust.

Hikaru raised an eyebrow. "Okay, what the hell. How? When?"

Haruhi was about to answer, before stopping and the putting a finger to her lips. "Actually, now that I think about it. You're right. Wait, how can I tell I'm pregnant? That isn't scientifically possible."

All of the sudden, Kaoru appeared! But he was a ghost!

"So, turns out, since I'm a young boy who was repressing his gay feelings for his twin brother and never had any sort of closure on the matter, I am now doomed to be a ghost." Kaoru said, looking at his dead body. "Why did I kill myself?"

"Why did I let you kill yourself and why did I have sex with Haruhi?" Hikaru asked.

"Why did I let Hikaru let you kill yourself and why did I have sex with Hikaru and somehow Tamaki too and how come I am somehow defying science?" Haruhi asked.

Tamaki finished his hip thrusting dance. "…Why do I itch so badly down there?"

It seemed everybody was going back to their regular selves. It was very peculiar.

Hunny got off of a half naked Mori, looking ready to cry and clutching his bunny plushie. "Takashi! I'm sorry! I don't know why I did that!"

Mori looked traumatized and just grunted.

Kyouya looked down at his clothes, seeing they were rags. His fists clenched. "Why am I wearing these things?" He looked at the kitten he was holding. "I hate cats."

Two girls appeared.

"We're pregnant! With Tamaki's child!"

Tamaki began to scream.

All of the sudden, an odd chill took over everybody and Tamaki stopped screaming and instead began to cheer and hip thrust.

"Boo yah! Am I bringing sexy back or what? Just call me the Impregnator, babes! I'm like Fred Flintstone, I'll make your bed rock!"

Hikaru looked at the floor. "…I have this incredible need to have a threesome with Kaoru's dead body and with Haruhi!"

Haruhi giggled. "I'll try anything once!"

"At least my body will know Hikaru's love!" Kaoru cried out.

"Oh, Takashi! You look so hot when you're traumatized!"

"Oh, bloody hell! Not this again!"

"…Did I say I hate cats? I love cats! I love rainbows, babies, and puppies!" Kyouya squealed, hugging a baby, a puppy, and a cat to him while rainbows magically appeared.

"Oh wow! I really am great!"

Everybody turned around to see that girl in the door way.

She walked in, smiling brilliantly. "Sorry about that everybody, I had to go somewhere for a quick second! But I am back now and I can see I have done some very lovely work."

"…Work?" Everybody asked.

The girl smiled again. "Yes! You see, I am a fanfic writer and well, I just saw Ouran and I thought the storyline could be so much better so I put my character who is really me in this story!"

"…What's your name?" Everybody asked.

"Oh well, I like to call myself Crystal Ai Kitsune Neko Kawaii!" She sighed. "But my real name is Mary Sue."

"…Damn it!" Everybody said, simultaneously.

"We get thousands of you every day!" Kyouya said. "And every time one of you come around, something bad happens!"

"I killed my grandmother," Tamaki said.

"I had sex with my father," ghost Kaoru said.

"I dug up my dead mother," Haruhi said.

"I did some very naughty things with some lollipops," Hunny said.

"…Me too," Mori said.

"…Me too," Kyouya said, coughing awkwardly.

"…Um, yeah, me too," Hikaru said.

"What are you talking about? My plots are totally original! I am an awesome writer!" Mary Sue said angrily. "You don't know good writing! I get good reviews! All bad reviews are just written by idiots!"

Tamaki sighed and rested a hand on her shoulder. "You may possibly be a good writer but you make us all out of character. Some times, those bad reviews have some truth in them."

"Out of character?" She said, laughing. "Who cares?"

"Who cares?" they all said angrily.

"I have crabs and I got two, maybe three, girls pregnant because of your writing!" Tamaki said.

"I'm dead!" Kaoru said. "And now forced to walk the Earth as a ghost!"

"I might have gotten Haruhi pregnant and lost my twin!" Hikaru said.

"I lost all my belongings because I donated them all to charity!" Kyouya said. "I will want some kind of payment, you know?"

"I almost raped Takashi!" Hunny said.

Mori just shuddered.

"I'm pregnant!" Haruhi said. "And unsure of my child's father!"

"Not to mention you killed off half the students in our school and made all these poor girls lose their boyfriends and suffer a very bad case of PMS!"

Mary Sue looked at all of them and flipped them off. "You know nothing! Everybody loves my stories!"

All of the sudden, there were a bunch of angry people. Of all different varieties.

"Ah, our fans." Kyouya said, smirking. Everybody smirked as well because really, never mess with the fans.

"…What is this shit? You wasted my life!"

"Tamaki saying those cheesy lines? He's not a manwhore, you idiot!"

"You killed off Kaoru!"

"Where is the manipulative bastard I know and love as Kyouya? I want my Kyouya back, not a happy little copy!"

"You traumatized Mori! He may need years of therapy for this!"

Mori shuddered again.

"Poor Hikaru and Haruhi! Their lives are forever ruined now!"

"Hunny would never rape Mori!"

All the fans' eyes were fiery and they all had large fans in their hands, grinning evilly.

As they chased Mary Sue out of the building, it seemed as if everybody was let go of some invisible grip. The girls stopped crying, they had been ignored this entire time after all, and wondered why they had been acting like that in such a way.

The school was filled with the screams of horrified boys. It seemed maybe they hadn't really turned gay after all. They were soon in the Third Music Room, hugging their girlfriends.

"I am so sorry! I don't know what took a hold of me!"

"You don't even want to know what I was about to do with my friend!"

"I may need to have sex with you repeatedly just to erase what I just saw."

And in the end, nobody ever saw Mary Sue again. While things weren't ever going to go back to normal, things would go on. Except for Kaoru. He was still a ghost. And Mori had to be put in an insane asylum. But other than that, everybody was thankful it wasn't worse.

Except for Kaoru because after all, he was dead. And Mori.

Nine Months Later

Haruhi was in labor and Hikaru and Tamaki looked nervously at each other. They still weren't sure who the father was.

And when the baby came and they looked at it, it was very obvious by the red hair it had that it was-

"Bitch! You slut! It's Tamaki's baby!" Hikaru yelled out. "I always knew it!"

Tamaki began to thrust his hips, a look of victory apparent on his face. "Oh yeah!"

Hunny looked hungry yet again. "I'm going to go break that hot piece of ass Takashi out of that insane asylum right now!"

"I gonna name my baby after its father! Kaoru Jr.!"

Kaoru began sobbing, well, as much as a ghost could. "Dear Diary, I am being accused of horrid things! Even as an undead being, I must suffer! And Hikaru won't look at me right now! If I weren't dead already, I'd kill myself again!"

Kyouya had wandered off to go cheer up all the sick children.

All the sudden, they noticed the nurse who had began to take care of the baby.

And the name on her card was Mary Sue.

More Notes: I really dislike it when people do this to the characters. I'm not exactly one of those fanfic nazi's but it's just a lot of fics are ruined by OOCness.