She closed her eyes and sighed. Deeply.
She counted. One, two, three, four…and kept on going, until she got to ten. Then, she opened her eyes and turned around slowly.
To his credit, he hadn't said a word in the interim. He simply waited for her response. He knew his anxiousness where she was concerned was beginning to get out-of-control, but he didn't seem to be able to help himself. Though, judging by the look on her face right now, he'd better figure out how to do so - and quickly.
"I. Am going. To dinner. With friends. A fun, innocent, carefree time, Houston. And, I'm going to have a good time, while I'm there. But, if you don't back off…I will go, and I will not call you later to let you know I that made it home safely. In fact, I may extend that to not coming in tomorrow, either. All without a single phone call. So, this is your fair warning." Her eyes were blazing. Though, he could tell she was giving a valiant effort to keep herself in check.
He shook his head in self-reproach and said, "I'm sorry, CJ. It's just…"
"I know what it is, Houston," she interrupted. "I do know, but I want you to take a good look at me. I'm standing right in front of you. I'm back, and I've been back for awhile now. And, I'm not going anywhere. All else is back to the equivalent of normal - including me - but you haven't joined the bandwagon, yet." Her frustration was hard to quell, even knowing that he wasn't intentionally trying to make life difficult for her.
"You're right. I apologize. I will back off and give you more breathing room, I promise. And, I'll start now. Just…if you wouldn't mind throwing me a bone - give me a call, after you've gotten home safely, okay?"
With that, she gave a little smile. It didn't light up her face, but it was genuine. She could tell that he was really trying. And, she knew that if she didn't call him, later, he wouldn't sleep a wink all night. So, she acquiesced.
"Thank you, Houston. I will call you as soon as I get home. I promise. I don't even have to leave, yet. I'm just going to Chris' desk to pick up Angela's phone number. I left it there, this afternoon, and I need it to confirm that we're still on for 8. It's only 6:30, now, so I'll be around a little while longer."
After her words, she wanted to visibly cringe. This is what he'd reduced her to in the past few weeks - automatically telling him who, what, when, where, why, and how she was going to be doing…well, anything. He'd trained her into it, and she wasn't feeling happy in the knowledge. Though, she knew she was partly to blame. At first, she'd given in, thinking it would appease him for the interim, until things got better and the normal flow of life took hold. Right….
Turning and taking the few steps to Chris' desk, she grabbed the number she had been seeking. She smiled, thinking that Chris must have intuited she'd be back; CJ had been busy all afternoon and hadn't had the chance to retrieve it, until now.
She glanced back at Matt, who was still watching her. She looked him in the eye and said, "I'm going to my office to call Angela. Then, I'm going to come back out, and we're going to talk. Really talk. I think it's well overdue, don't you?"
Surprised at her directness, he stumbled, "What do you mean?"
"You know full well what I mean, Houston. We won't get it all worked out, tonight, but we're going to get a head start on some things that need addressing. Because I cannot live my life like this - and neither can you. Now, I'll be right back. Pour yourself a scotch. While you're at it, I want at glass of wine. Thanks."
As she was walking away, he began tilting his head left and right - stretching his neck muscles.
What had gotten into him? Why was he acting like this? Needing to know where she'd be going, whom she'd be with, how long she'd be there, and when she'd be back. If he wasn't with her, he wanted to know everything she'd be doing. Just in case.
In case of what?
What was he afraid of?
That stopped him short. He was afraid.
He breathed in deeply and let it out slowly. He was afraid of losing her for good - and not being there with her to stop whatever might happen.
Where this stemmed from was obvious, and he should've caught on much quicker, but the paralyzing fear still had its grip. It would catch him unaware, and he'd have to check on her. Somewhere along the line, he'd made up his mind that he'd know her whereabouts at all times, and that would be that.
Except, it was no way for her to live. She was exactly right; she's a free human being and should be able to come and go of her own volition. She didn't need a babysitter, no matter how much he'd like her to have one.
That being said, it wasn't any way for him to live, either. Playing the role of her personal guardian was out-of-line. He only wished that he'd consciously recognized what he'd been doing sooner because she was getting pretty angry with him - rightfully so - and it could have been avoided.
It was tantamount to the strong bond they shared that she hadn't laid into him, yet. He imagined some semblance of it was coming, when she walked back through the door. Though he would deserve it, he was hoping to head off any marks she might leave with a sincere apology, at the start.
After the apology and open recognition of how he had been behaving, he wasn't sure what to do, as he was still inclined to keep an eye on her and know her whereabouts, at all times…. Which was exactly what needed to stop, starting now. Maybe, he could find something else to throw himself into and re-focus his energy….
Hell, he needed to pour that scotch. And her glass of wine. Walking to the bar, he set out two glasses but looked up, as he heard her approaching.
"Just now pouring the drinks?" she asked. His ruminating had taken awhile.
"I thought I'd give you a few minutes head-start," he lied. She'd find out what he'd been thinking soon enough.
He poured her wine, first, and handed it over. Then, he poured his scotch and took a sip.
"Listen, CJ. I know I need to back off. I will get better, and I promise to start tonight. " He looked chagrined and sincere.
"Houston…what happened with Duval…I know it was hard for you. It was hard for me, too. But, it's done and over with. We have to move on. We're not alone in a jungle nor are we separated by continents, anymore. I'm here, you're here, and we're okay. Moreover, we need to be okay. There's a large conglomerate and many people who need us to be on our toes. You, especially. But, we need to be up-to-snuff and stay focused. However, if you're worrying about me…and I'm worrying about you worrying about me…well, you can see what I'm getting at…." She sighed. "I'm more than aware that you already know all of this, but I'm hoping the very act of saying these things out loud will work as a catalyst, you know? Make the needed changes happen a little quicker, now." With that, she hoped her appeal hit its mark.
"I know I've been something of a tyrant with you, lately, CJ. We both know why, but it doesn't excuse my behavior. Hell, I usually have no problem getting back into the swing of things. I just hated how the whole thing went down, and it happened so easily. I…the feeling of having no control - of having no control over what happened to you…." He left it unfinished and took a long drink of scotch. Then, "To say I didn't like it would be an incredible understatement." His face was hard, now.
Her own softened. "Houston, it's not good to live looking back over your shoulder, into the past. I know it's the recent past, but you can't keep going over what might have been. Now is all that matters; it's all we have. 'You can't be in two places at once' really takes on its meaning, here. We'll be okay, if we just keep looking forward. Really. There's no need to feel bad, when everything worked out. Right?" She gave him her 'hint-hint' look that he hadn't seen in awhile. It usually made him smile, and he did so now.
She returned it and hoped her words were offering some form of comfort to him, too. She sure as hell had been scared by what had happened, but a conversation like that need never happen between them. It would be counterproductive, at this point, and they both knew without saying the words what the other had been feeling, anyway. No need to go backwards. Besides, there was too much to look forward to, these days.
He had a thriving empire that she was helping him to run, they were in the prime of their lives, and things really had worked out well. Considering they myriad of alternative endings that could have happened, this one was surely the out-and-out roses version.
"So…" he drawled, "what you're saying is, 'Houston, it's all come up roses. Let it be.'" He saw her point, and he was going to try to follow her lead on this.
Not surprised that he easily followed her train of thought, she replied, "Exactly! 'Don't look a gift horse in the mouth' and all that," she teased.
Knowing it would get a rise out of her and unable to resist, he said, "Ah, but 'every rose has its thorn.'" Brow arched high, waiting.
Narrowing her eyes, she said, "Though, 'each day provides its own gifts.'" And, before he could respond further, she continued, "So, stop looking for thorns!" She knew they were bantering, now, but she really wanted him to hear her, to get this. She felt their states of mental health depended on it.
"Points well taken, CJ. I will be working on this, backing off more-and-more, and I appreciate that you've handled me with kid gloves these past few weeks - even played it out with me as best you could. Actually, thinking back, I'm surprised I didn't get hog-tied and thrown into a closet, at some point."
"Oh, I thought about it, believe me." At his two raised brows, she went on, "This morning, when you were harassing me about my dinner plans, I wanted to do just that. And, then, conveniently forget about you for a day or two."
When he couldn't reply, she added, "But, I love you too much to have actually gone through with it. I knew we had to talk soon, before things got even more out-of-hand. Namely, before I blew my top and said things I wouldn't even mean - just to get you to leave me alone." She looked unrepentant.
"Really? And, what kinds of things do you think you could say that would actually keep me away from you?" He was seriously interested in this turn of conversation.
"Are you kidding? It would have been easy to send you off in a huff for awhile," she said confidently.
"Is that so? Do tell." He was getting a little indignant, now.
It was hard for her to keep a straight face and from biting her lip. She was really getting to him, which is exactly what she wanted. To bring back some sense of normalcy between them, again - sarcasm, humor, the everyday bite that lingered just under the surface. He'd find out soon enough that she was just messing with him; she couldn't hold out much longer.
"Houston, if I told you that, it would never work for next time." She almost laughed out loud, when his face twitched.
"Next time? What do you mean, 'next time?' Are you saying you've done it before? That I…that you've purposely made me angry with you, in the past, just so I'd leave you alone? Why…that's just not right. I mean, who does that to her best friend?"
And, finally, seeing that she was having a hard time keeping a straight face, he stopped short. "Why…that was just wrong, Miss Parsons." But, he had the beginnings of a smirk, himself. She had this knack of getting to him, and he usually fell for it. Being angry with her for it never even entered his mind.
"You're so easy, Houston. You know that, don't you?" She was openly laughing, now.
He harrumphed a little for show and admitted, "Yes, when it comes to you, I think I always have been."
"When you've known someone as long as we've known each other, I think it just goes with the territory. I wouldn't feel too badly about it. Besides, I'll never tell how easy it really is to pull one over on you." Not entirely true - just look at his success in so many professions - but she couldn't help herself, now.
"Alright, missy. I think that's about enough of that. I could tell a few tales on you, too, you know." He had his knowing look back in place.
"Oh, I know you could. I won't even try to say otherwise. It's just a good thing we behave like a lady and a gentleman in front of others."
With that, he laughed out loud. Which was music to her ears. This is exactly what she'd been hoping for, when she told him they needed to talk, earlier. Now, she knew everything would be alright. Not only between them but as they looked out into the world.
Feeling inspired, she said, "You know, you're welcome to join us for dinner." She meant it.
He almost accepted but held himself back. "No, CJ. I think you should go and have a nice time with your friends. Enjoy their company and talk about things I'll never hear about - because I'm nowhere around." He meant every word, and it certainly was the best peace offering she'd had from him in days.
"Okay," she said. "But, I wouldn't go so far as to say you'll be nowhere around. You know, we're always with each other, no matter where we are."
Her words made him feel warm inside. Yes, he was a guy and happily admitting such a thing to himself. He walked around the bar and grabbed her in a hug. "You've got that right," he said.
And, with his heartfelt confirmation, she kissed him on the cheek.
Then, she went to grab her purse and head out into the night. Alone, but not. And, it was perfect.