"Thanks so much for hiring me," spoke the ominous, scratchy voice echoing from the telephone receiver.
"Well of course I hired you, creeper. You were the only bald hitman listed on Craigslist in the Ohio area," Sue Sylvester answered, leaning back in her new special-edition office chair which was stuffed with the leg hairs of a thousand Swiss girls who, according to the advertisement, had the best leg hairs for stuffing office chairs. Sue could attest to that.
"Yesss, of course," the voice hissed. "May I ask why the baldness was a necessity anyway?"
"Oh, no reason. I just like to rub baldies' heads for good luck. That's half of why I hired you, so start shining that noggin with some heavy-duty wax. My hands are about to rub aaaall over it."
"Of course," the voice replied cordially, but it sounded like it was speaking through clenched teeth. "And the other half? Do you need me to murder any bitches? Because I'm quite good at that..."
"Oh, I believe you, Mr. Pedophile Voice. See, I've dabbled in that business myself and can always recognize a fellow bitch-murderer. But this particular case won't require any of that. Just a little...slapping around, if you get what I mean. Actually, I need you to break up a club."
"The name of this club doesn't happen to be, say, Dumbledore's Army, does it?"
"Whoa there, my hairless horsie! You need to stop hitting the Texas tea so hard. This club is nothing but your average annoying, bisexual, incestuous Glee Club. And it needs to END. Figuratively of course. I can't have any more student deaths on my record."
"Right. So, give me some limits here. What can I break? Fingers? Legs? Necks? Or am I only limited to their ittle wittle hearts?"
"Let's go with legs. Meet me Thursday, 5:00 am in the choir room at McKinley High for evil planning. As for now, I've got bigger fish to fry. Endangered Mekong freshwater stingray fish, in fact. They're the most succulent of fishes, you know." And with that Sue Sylvester hung up the phone, spun around in her Swiss leg hair chair and smiled triumphantly to herself.
Meanwhile in a man-made (or, more specifically, dark wizard-made) cave a few suburbs away, Voldemort sipped on his cup of AB+ virgin blood, packed a set of robes and his six best lacy black thongs into his monogrammed suitcase and prepared to take down the Glee Club.
"So Kurt and I had a fabulous time at the spa all weekend," said Blaine Anderson, swishing in to the choir room of McKinley. Sure it was a little drab compared to the opulence of the Warbler's choir mansion that he had recently resigned from, but he'd do anything for Kurt. Even put up with riser seats.
"Oh, that sounds fantastic!" Rachel Berry squealed, sitting down in her favorite front-row Glee Club seat. "Wait...did you say ALL weekend?" she said, blushing fangirlishly.
"Why yes, Rachel. Aaaaaall weekend," Kurt said, sashaying into the classroom and kissing his boyfriend on the cheek.
Blaine smiled as he saw how sexily Kurt was dressed today. His hammer pants were perfectly accentuated by a ruffled Victorian-style shirt and ballet flats. Damn, he looked fly. Blaine could barely keep his heart from bursting from his chest.
"Ech-hem," came a scratchy voice from the door. Everyone turned, expecting to see the always-tardy Mr. Schuester. However, the stranger in the doorway had a decidedly more nonexistent nose, less hair, and no butt chin. He also happened to be albino with red cat-shaped eyes. Finn let out a girlish scream.
"Never fear children!" the voice exclaimed raggedly. "I am not here to Avada Ke-I mean, kill, you all! I merely want to try out for your Glee Club!" he smiled, revealing rows of pointed, decaying teeth stained with what appeared to be virgin blood.
"Oh, in that case, welcome! Mr..." Rachel trailed off enthusiastically.
"You can call me Voldylocks. It's my stage name," the stranger said proudly.
"I thought you were Edward Cullen..." Brittany mumbled.
Voldemort panicked. This wee blonde girl was smart. He had to do something fast to distract all the children, lest the others believed her and recognized him from that big vampire film series he'd done. So, he did what he always did. Put on some music and took off his clothes.
"A-one! Two! Three! Four!" he yelled, waving his wand at the speakers until Like A G6 by The Far Easy Movement was blasting at top volume. And with that he yanked off his robe and began to wiggle his scrawnily attractive black-thong-clad butt to the grinding hiphop. He did a few hip swivels, a pirouette, and then he began to get low. One pop, lock, and drop it later, and the song was over. Voldy stood proudly in front of the children, dripping sweat, his hopes, dreams, and booty displayed to the world.
A smattering of applause broke the silence. Some kid in the back with a mohawk was clapping slowly, his mouth open in awe. Soon all the wee ones were clapping enthusiastically, chanting his name. "Voldylocks! Voldylocks! Voldylocks!" they squealed with joy. This was right where he wanted them. He was just about to Jellylegs Jinx the lot of them, when someone caught his eye.
An attractive brunette boy sitting next to some kid in hammer pants smiled and clapped for Voldy with the rest of them. But, there was something different about him, Voldemort could tell. And it wasn't his attractiveness nor his ridiculously sexy hair. Something was strange about this kid. He looked...familiar.