Author's Note: This is a stand alone fic set in The Clamor and The Clangor. Eventually part of it will be worked into my other fic The Journey Begins, but I thought it might stand along nicely.
This is dedicated to someone who will know who he is. I'm sorry.
She thought about what it would be like if he left. She had taken for granted his always being there. She didn't have many memories that didn't include him in one way or another. She thought about the little jokes, the silly conversations that never meant anything. But they meant so much. She thought about the lengths he would go to, to cheer her up. She thought about all the sweet things he did, without realizing that they were sweet.
She wanted him to be happy. If leaving made him happy, then that is what he needed to do. She knew it was selfish to want him to stay here. To want him to be here for her when she needed him. He didn't live and breathe for her. He had his own issues to deal with.
What if she were the one who needed to leave and he tried to stop her. Except that if he told her to stay she would stay. Maybe that was just because she didn't want to leave.
She remembered the conversation about always having each other. About being in each other's lives permanently. But soon he wouldn't be. Soon she wouldn't be able to see him and talk to him whenever she wanted. Soon she would see him less and less. And eventually seeing him would be a story to tell. Like when an old friend comes into town to visit. Eventually that is what he would be. She didn't know how she would be able to handle that. She had other people. But he was different. He gave her things no one else could. How had she never realized that?
He didn't seem all that upset that he was leaving. She wanted to be angry that he didn't care. Angry that he didn't stop to think what it would do to everyone else. What it would do to her. She knew she was being selfish, but if he was fine then why should she care?
She wanted to be angry. Being angry was better than being sad. She knew what it felt like to be angry and not speaking to him. It left a lump in her stomach. She felt nauseous. Uneasy. Like something was unnaturally wrong. But she didn't feel angry. She felt sad. Sad was much worse. Being sad left a weight on her chest making it hard to breathe. Being sad made her body shake and her eyes burn. She hated that.
She knew she was wrong for saying anything to him. She should have let him be. It wasn't her place to question his choice or to make him feel bad about it. She would adjust. People had left her before and she would get over it. Eventually she would get used to him being gone. Eventually she would be happy for him.
But for now it was all new. New and painful. She felt like she had, not so long ago it seemed. Like when she left and everything she knew was gone. Once again she was alone.