Gaara 'Oh cute, America is trying to do Anime.'

Toph 'Hey, we both have daddy issues but at least I didn't murder my own mother.'

Gaara curls up in a ball. 'M-MOOOTHER…'

Toph 'Now that's legit emo there.'

.

"""The fight begins."""

Gaara strikes first. 'Sand bullet!'

But Toph just stomps the ground and the sand drops from the sky, being turned into stone. BOOM.

Gaara 'Wait what? You can turn sand into stone?'

Toph 'Well I did do it in, I think, like ONE episode. Still counts as canon.'

Gaara 'Midair targets too?'

Toph 'Another episode people overlooked, plus DVD special features and that comicbook no one read.'

Gaara 'Well I'll just have to give it my all. Quicksand Waterfall Flow Sand Tsunami SAND SAND SAND!'

Sand appears.

Toph 'Holy crap, my eyes are wide open for no fucking reason.'

But Toph just stomps the ground and the sand drops from the sky, being turned into stone. BOOM. Again.

Gaara 'I'll just make more sand.'

Gaara sends some sand onto the ground, crushing the soil into more sand.

'I can cover a city in sand! I have more sand than the Middle East. More than the Mid West. More sand than sand!'

But Toph just stomps the ground…. BOOM.

'Those feats don't matter if you can't get that much sand to begin with.'

Gaara 'Well my sand dome-'

BOOM.

'Fuck you bitch!'

'Hey, question. Are you covered in sand?'

'Yeah… Sand-armor.'

.

.

.

.

BOOM. (Gaara's turned into rock.)

.

Toph 'See, power aint everything, especially if all my other traits are cheap.'

But in the valley bellow, an army approaches. They are the stormtroopers of the internet, spreading hatred and hatred and fire as far as flames can burn. Anime nerds.

Protesting nerds. 'Rape Toph! Rape Toph! Rape Toph!'

There numbers appear to number in the trillions, but it's hard to say due to their multiple fake accounts. Toph might need some aid here. She calls for assistance.

Toph 'Yo Superman! Blind girl here needing help!'

Superman flies in. 'I see no cats stuck in a tree here. I don't even see trees, just a lot of sandstone.'

Toph 'That's what you waste your time with? No wonder wars still exist. Speaking of, we got a flamewar here.'

Superman notices the crowd and attempts to calm them down.

'Now now everybody, you do realize this is a show: trying to make science out of fiction. This is all about opinions, and so long as there is calm and reasonable sense behind it: no one's opinion is wrong.'

Toph shouts. 'HEY ANIME NERDS, IT'S THE JACKASS THAT KILLED GOKU!'

'Rape Superman!'

.

Toph 'Now I'm going to dig myself a hole and cry in it until the emo fanboys get distracted by God Goku's episode.'

Meanwhile, all the nerds beat their fists against Superman, only to have their own hands break or fall off from the recoil while the indestructible Superman just stands and watches.

'Why have I lost this much popularity?' (pulls out an I-Phone) 'I need to text Batman, he gets all the bitches.'

I will do my best to keep a neutral depiction of each of the characters, and do recall that this IS satire, not an intended rant against anything outside of Princess Peach: hey no one likes her. And just a note, this is just a side project for me so don't expect 5 star story writing.

Death Battle fans feel free to check out my youtube playlist, where I discuss the backbones and theories relating to the show itself instead the typical blog that just denounces why an episode is wrong. Outside of the joke episodes and, again Peach, I agree with the result of each battle so you won't hear (much) rage. The topics I discuss can also help predict future episodes by examining the attributes that I discuss and attribute it to the next episode's matchup.

playlist?list=PL-Kq8NqIJ_wkYYLCr3GLdeY6bcOrC_Pte