Disclaimer: Story is based off the movie/piece "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" by Charlie Kaufman. Characters belong to Cassandra Clare.
October 11, 2007
First entry in two years…
Where did all those years go?
I know the whole journaling thing was Isabelle's idea and I know that I definitely made fun of her for it, but I decided to try again anyways. She does it. She writes about everything that's happened since Jace got here and she says it helps her remember everything important.
I'm sure she writes all about her romantic escapades with the mundane boy that she's messing with.
Anyways, I actually let Jace convince me to go to one of those Downworlder parties tonight. I usually hate them but tonight it just seemed like a good night to try something different…I don't know why.
"Alec!"
Jace was already a bit drunk, which wasn't surprising. What was surprising, however, was that he was maintaining some self-control because there was a girl with him. That little redheaded girl who had all sorts of family issues going on, like her mother was unconscious and she needed Jace to save her and it just so happened that she was a Shadowhunter so Jace liked her. Alec didn't really understand any of it. Around any other girl Jace would be too hammered to remember Alec's name, but now he was only stumbling a little bit and slurring his words just a tad.
"Alec," he repeated, tugging on his parabatai's shirt, "we're gonna go try to find Magnus Bane. Clary needs to talk to him about…"
"About my mother." Clary inserted archly, looking serious.
"About her mother." Jace nodded solemnly. "Make sure the mundie doesn't get too close to Isabelle."
They paraded away, Jace making the crowd part down the middle with his wide gestures. Alec turned away from the sight of them together, heading towards the bar. He wasn't going to drink, obviously. Someone had to stay sober other than the mundanes. Instead, he just propped himself up against the bar and let his eyes scan over the crowd, trying to spot Isabelle.
Instead, he found the most perfect looking person Alec had ever seen in his life. He didn't even know people could look like that, with features so symmetrical that they looked like a painting someone spent decades perfecting and a practical glowing quality.
The man smiled. He smiled at Alec.
"Uh, hi," Alec blurted suddenly, "sorry."
The guy moved closer, cocking his head to the side. "Sorry, what? I didn't hear you."
A redo. Alec quickly thanked Raziel and started over. "I was just saying hi."
The man smiled again, and it was possibly more gorgeous than it had been the first time because now it was directed at Alec like it was customized just for him. "I know," the man said, "I was just seeing how you did the second time. Not much better."
Alec's cheeks burned. He spun on the stool, ready to make a dash for the exit when he felt a firm hand on his shoulder, keeping him in place. The guy was touching him now, and Alec wasn't sure how to react. He kind of wanted to try and run again.
"Kidding." The guy said. "Do I know you? Probably not, since you're a Nephilim."
"And you," Alec said slowly, staring at the guy's eyes which, somehow, were shaped like those of a cat, "are a warlock."
"Magnus Bane." He shoved his hand into Alec's and shook firmly.
"I'm Alec Lightwood."
October 11, 2009
It's been two years since we started dating. Or, I guess, since we met? I'm not sure when we officially started dating, but that's when he gave me his number. Two years ago.
We've had our ups and downs but recently things have been really weird. Like last night, Izzy got hurt when we were hunting.
"Can I help you?"
Alec stared at him, entirely unsure how to respond. Something in Magnus's tone sounded so blank, so formal. He'd never once spoke to Alec like that, even when they'd first met.
"Uh, yeah. Isabelle got some Dravak spikes in her side about an hour ago. They took her home so she wouldn't have to stay here all night but if you could come over and heal her maybe we could—"
"I think you've mistaken me for someone else." Magnus interrupted. "I'm not like the friendly neighborhood warlocks who patch up all your little friends for free. I am the high warlock and if you want my help, you're going to have to pay up."
Alec's brain and mouth refused to work together with this one, so his mouth took over. "What the hell?"
Magnus just shrugged. "Sorry to disappoint." He said before closing the door.
It was like he didn't even know who I was. And then Jace got this really weird letter the next day. He found it right outside his bedroom door and it had this little blue stamp on it that said "CL" in some swirly font or whatever and the whole thing said:
"Dear Jace Herondale,
This letter is written to inform you that Magnus Bane has erased Alec Lightwood from his memory. This is meant to be seen by you and only you, for the purpose of rehabilitating Mr. Lightwood and giving him an explanation as to why Mr. Bane will no longer make any effort to contact him.
Signed, Catarina Loss."
"You aren't supposed to be here, Mr. Lightwood." The blue skinned warlock sighed from where she was perched on her little rolley chair behind a big oak desk. "You weren't even supposed to see that letter, so I do apologize for that. Unfortunately there is nothing that can be undone."
"Is this fake?" Alec asked. His arms were crossed over his chest and he stared her down with the confidence of someone who honestly didn't care if the person they were staring down could cast spells on them that would stop their heart instantly. He was in that kind of mood. "You can't just erase memories. There's no way in hell."
"Come on." Catarina gave him a pitying look. "I know most Shadowhunters are taught to ignore what Downworlders can do, but the evidence is right in front of your face. You spoke to Magnus yourself, correct?"
Alec swallowed. "Yeah."
"And he didn't remember you." She stated it like a fact, not a question. She knew for sure what she had done and she knew for sure that the effects were permanent. A cold feeling of dread climbed up Alec's chest, similar to the feeling that he'd experienced when he'd first read the letter. Jace had convinced him that it was a hoax, but the look on Catarina's face now proved to him that it wasn't.
"Why?"
"Magnus wasn't…" She paused to select the right word, "satisfied with your relationship."
"Satisfied." Alec repeated numbly.
Was he satisfied with their relationship? Was Alec happy with the arguing and the yelling that had been becoming common in their weeks? Definitely not. But he hadn't wanted to erase every bit of it from his memory like it never even happened.
Not until now, anyways.
"I want it done." Alec decided, his voice quiet. He looked up at Catarina again. "I want him gone."
"Okay." She didn't seem like she wanted to argue this. It was almost as if Catarina knew that Alec wasn't going to change his mind. He wondered if she'd tried to change Magnus's mind when he'd made his decision. She raised her hand to Alec's forehead, like she was checking for fever. "We'll start from your most recent memories and work our way back. Ready?"
"Ready."
"Where have you been?" Alec whispered as Magnus shuffled into the bedroom at 3 in the morning. He looked exhausted, like he wasn't in the mood for conversations like this. Alec didn't care. They were having the conversation anyway.
"Working." Magnus mumbled. He crashed into bed and immediately attached himself to Alec's side. His breathing evened out and Alec could smell the scent of the city on him, like cigarette smoke and someone else's cologne.
"Magnus?"
"Hmm?" He sounded half awake. It wasn't the right time to talk about this.
"Are you…cheating on me?"
Alec had been expecting anger. Yelling or something. What he hadn't been expecting was a laugh. Magnus chuckled into Alec's shoulder, a slight smirk on his face.
"No, Alexander. I'm not cheating on you. Okay?"
"This isn't funny." Alec said, sitting upright. Magnus stayed laying down, his face pressed against the pillow. He didn't even bother to open his eyes. "You're almost never home now. You always say you're working but—"
"But nothing." Magnus interjected. "I'm working, Alexander."
"Stop calling me that," he said petulantly. "I wouldn't be surprised if you were cheating on me, considering the amount of people you've slept with before I was even born."
Magnus froze. He stared up at Alec with wide, hurt eyes. Something twisted painfully in Alec's stomach and he instantly reached down to touch Magnus, an apology forming on his lips.
"I didn't mean that—"
"Next." Catarina's voice reached through the haze. Alec was still staring at Magnus's hurt face and still frame on the bed when everything suddenly shifted.
"Are we ever going to adopt a kid?"
"Magnus can we not talk about this right now?" Alec pleaded, sending an apologetic glance in the direction of where Clary was sitting with Simon on an infirmary bed. They'd just gotten back from hunting, and Magnus had been called down to heal Simon, who'd been poisoned by an Oni demon. Apparently he'd come with much more in mind.
"I feel like now is the right time." Magnus said airily. "Sherwin doesn't mind."
"I kinda do mind." Simon piped up from the bed, eyes squeezed shut with pain. There was nothing Alec hated more than everyone knowing their business, especially when it was Simon Lewis and Clary Fairchild.
"Magnus, seriously," Alec said urgently, "not now."
"Then when?"
"When there isn't a poisoned kid sitting ten feet away from us!" Alec exclaimed.
"I'm starting to think maybe you just don't want a kid, you know." Magnus interrupted his next thought. "Like maybe you think we aren't ready or something, but I think we could do it."
"I think we could too!" Alec insisted. "But I'm scared that something is going to happen to it! Our lives are dangerous and I'm not ready to lose anyone important to me. Not after—"
"Not after Max?" Magnus asked, and his eyes softened. He opened his mouth to say something else and his hand went up to comfort Alec. He froze before contact could be made.
"Next." This time, Alec closed his eyes and didn't open them again until he heard Magnus's voice again.
"Alec?" Magnus's tone sounded unlike any other he'd ever used on Alec. It sounded soft, gentle. Almost scared. Alec opened his eyes. He'd been near sleep, the feeling of Magnus stroking his hair back making him almost calm enough to let himself drift off.
"Yeah?"
"I thought you were dead tonight."
Alec sat up. It hurt to use his muscles after taking an astoundingly brutal beating from some kind of demon (he didn't even remember which) and Magnus gently pushed him back down against the sheets. Still, he offered some eloquent words of comfort, "I'm, um, not dead."
"I can see that." Magnus tried to smile, but it didn't reach its full potential. "But you were laying there on the concrete and Jace was putting Iratzes everywhere and I just—I thought you were dead. I thought I lost you."
Alec didn't know how to answer. In the silence, Magnus continued.
"When I was younger, I thought that every loss would feel the same. I thought that I'd eventually get use to the grief of losing people because it would happen so often. And using that logic, I assumed that being immortal would stop hurting, like the pain would numb over time." He looked down at Alec and his eyes shined with either memories or tears. "But you know, I think every loss feels different. And I think losing you would hurt the most."
Alec didn't care how much it hurt this time. He sat up and raked his fingers through Magnus's black locks. Their faces were inches apart.
"Never leave me," Magnus breathed. He leaned in and froze just before their lips made contact.
"Next."
"Wait," Alec gasped, his voice sounding distant through the haze, "wait, I wanted to keep that one."
It was too late. Magnus's face fell away from his and Alec closed his eyes again.
"Finally got away from your siblings." Magnus laughed, closing the door to his loft behind them. Alec sighed contentedly and slid his coat off, relishing in the warmth of Magnus's apartment. They were both tired from a full day of Christmas preparation at the Institute, which was a large and very difficult place to decorate. They usually fanned out the decorating over a week, but Isabelle had insisted they do it all in one day for some reason. It'd been more fun than expected, but Alec was still exhausted.
"I'm happy," He smiled when Magnus took his hand and led him to the couch. "I'm so happy."
"You're in the Christmas spirit finally, hm?" Magnus murmured, slipping his fingers into Alec's hair. Chairman Meow jumped up onto the couch and invited himself to nestle into Alec's lap, purring against his sweater.
"That," he grinned, "and things are just so good now. I'm happy with my family, with the Institute…with you."
Magnus took his hand.
"Alec," he whispered, "I love you…so…much…"
He froze.
"No." Alec blinked, watching Magnus's smiling face begin to evaporate before his eyes. "No wait, I changed my mind. I don't want this anymore!"
There was no answer. There was nothing, just whiteness.
"I love you too." Alec whispered, hoping that something would be reversed or something would break and he could undo what he'd done. He didn't want to forget anymore, he didn't want to lose what he'd just seen. There had to be some way to bring it back, bring Magnus back—
"The procedure is done." Catarina said, her face in full view. Alec blinked, staring blankly at the woman in front of him. She smiled, almost cautiously, like she was trying not to alarm him. "You can go now."
He nodded. He stood. He looked back one more time at the blue skinned woman before turning and leaving the room, with the nagging feeling like he was missing something—no, forgetting something—behind him.
October 11, 2009
First entry in two years…
Where did all those years go?
Anyways, I actually let Jace convince me to go to one of those Downworlder parties tonight. I usually hate them but tonight it just seemed like a good night to try something different…I don't know why.
He sat slumped over on the bar, watching Isabelle and Simon dance from across the room. The kid was holding his sister so tight that Alec couldn't help but grudgingly admit they were good together. It made him wish he had something like that, or someone like that.
He scanned the crowd for Jace, but instead found a man staring at him. He was smiling at him, which seemed strange to Alec because beautiful strangers usually didn't give him unwarranted attention. And when they did, it usually didn't make Alec's stomach twist.
"Sorry," the guy came closer, still smiling a little, "do I know you?"
Alec stared. "Uh, I don't think so? I don't remember you."
"Sorry." The guy said again. "You just…looked familiar to me. A bit. But I'd remember meeting a Nephilim like you. Magnus Bane."
He shoved his hand into Alec's and shook firmly.
"I'm Alec Lightwood."