SEQUEL TO HARD TO HOLD

CHAPTER ONE: LET ME LET GO

"It's been ten years, baby girl. Joe's a teenager now and a walking hormone. Amelia's ten and thinks she's 25. Her party is today and she planned the whole thing herself. I need to teach her what a budget means." John paused and smiled. "Sometimes I think you're in there somewhere when I look at her. She's incredibly smart and gifted and athletic and especially daring. She's you as a 10 year old, Carli. Joe's playing every sport he can in school and out. He's the star of the soccer team and football team and he's had scouts looking at him in baseball and wants to throw basketball in there. They both are in the advanced placement classes in school, I swear Carli, they definitely have your brains." John continued with his usual conversation and looked to the heavens. He waved and kissed the marble stone that he picked out special for her. He ran his fingers along the pink marble.

Carolina Cena. Devoted Mother. Beloved wife. Dedicated friend.

John sat at his usual spot at Carli's grave. He still visited her at least once a month. He found it creepy to sit or stand directly in front so he sat to the side and leaned into the stone. He still wore his wedding ring, still considered himself married. Still spoke as if she were right next to him. "Joe's got girls calling the house already; I think he has three or four girlfriends. He's very polite and respectful, considerate and loving. Traits I know came from you. He takes care of Amelia and they have a special bond. He encourages her and he's her biggest supporter. If she has something going on at the same time he does he actually considers not going to his so he can be there for her. For a few years Ami would sleep in his room with him if she needed it. They would never share their secrets but I could tell Joe was her hero. He still is."

He finished talking to her and let a few tears escape as he smiled at the clouds. He could always feel her around him, something soothing, a calm of sorts. Little signs would appear and he knew it was Carli talking to him. Some wrote it off as coincidence, John just reaching for something not there. He knew. He felt in his heart she was communicating and letting him know she was near and okay.

John had made a successful transition into films and actually had to turn down work he had so many offers. He was a huge action star internationally and had won several awards. He always thanked Carli for encouraging him to follow his dreams. He'd worked with the best directors, producers and fellow actors the business had. He broke from the WWE five years ago and still had a good relationship with the company. He had to leave because he couldn't travel 300 days a year and be a good father. With films he could travel and take the kids with him in the summer and his mom and dad could help with them if he needed to be on location during the school year. He'd made a promise not to be away from them longer than 10 days.

His mother, Carolyn and his father, John had both moved to Tampa to help him. They'd divorced after 20 years of marriage but remained the best of friends. John had bought the property behind his, big enough for his own home and two guest houses. He couldn't bear to live somewhere else, the home he shared with Carli held too many memories. He knew his parents talked about him at night and when he traveled, worried about his inability to move forward with his heart, but in his mind, they just didn't understand.

You get one great love in your lifetime and he'd had his. Why was it so important to everyone that he find another woman? His friends had accepted his decision and no longer tried to set him up with friends of friends. His brothers gave up too but his parents still asked him. Why not an actress why not a model? The same questions whenever he'd return from a movie set or an awards show, or a party thrown for the launch of something. Sure, he'd had opportunities but he never acted on them, not one of them held a candle to Carli.

He felt it was disrespectful to her if he dated or used a woman for sex, besides, he'd spend the entire evening comparing them to her and talking about her anyway so what was the point. His own children had asked him about dating and he'd received the sympathetic look but they understood. Their mother was the light in their father's world; it would be hard to find another. It would be hard to follow a woman like Carli.

When John arrived home he found Joe playing video games and Amelia walking aimlessly around the house. He watched her and thought of his wife. She looked so much like her mother it was hard to believe they were two separate people. She rock climbed with her father, played soccer and softball, loved to ski but that was the extent of it. Even though she played sports, she hated being dirty and hated dirt. All of her things were meticulously organized and she knew where anything and everything was in the house at any given time. She was being groomed as an Olympic gymnast, an activity that seemed so natural for her. She took ballet, jazz and tap classes and John had applied for her to attend a performing arts high school. He found out you need to apply years in advance to be considered in a timely manner.

Ami was looking at all the pictures around the house of her mom. Her birthday was a joyous occasion but heartbreaking as well. Bittersweet as they say. Ami's birthday would always be the day her mother died. She went into her room and played on of the DVDs her mom had made. She played the one of her mom talking to her when she was pregnant. Ami sat on the floor in front of her TV and watched her mom sitting in the nursery in a chair, the chair Ami had in her room to this day. She was rubbing her tummy and reading a book.

John saw the tears stream down his baby girl's face as she silently watched her mom. Joe came to the door and joined his dad. They stood there for a few minutes looking at the TV too before Joe pulled his dad away. John followed his son to his room and they sat down on Joe's bed. "Dad, she's been doing this all day." Joe started. "She's been pulling out the albums, watching DVDs and looking at the pictures around the house." Joe paused for a moment before continuing. Talking about Carli was hard for all of them. They did it to help eachother cope; they shared things and asked John to talk about her so they'd never forget. He kept his wife's pictures around the house so they'd never forget her face. "She blames herself." Joe looked at the floor as his dad's jaw dropped. "She thinks if she had never been born mom would still be here for you and me."

"That's ridiculous, Joe. Your mom could have been taken from us at any time. God chose that day for a reason and it's not a bad one." John stood unable to express how he felt.

"You know that, but she doesn't. She may hear you say it, rationally think its true, but her heart breaks, dad. Mom's gone because of her. How can you tell her something else?" Joe had thought it as a child. If Ami weren't here he'd have his mom. He didn't mean it maliciously, just as a son missing his mom.

John walked out of his son's room and went to Ami's. Today he'd talk to her about her mom. Each birthday he'd shared a funny story, now maybe was the time to show her the journal Carli had kept during her pregnancy. He peeked in on his daughter who hadn't moved and then went to Carli's closet and got out the box. He'd saved everything in that box and now it was time. John opened it and felt his heart leap and then sink. Joes baby book, Ami's baby book, the journals she'd kept for them both while she was pregnant. Sonogram pictures, mementos, and scrapbooks she'd made. Memories, happy memories crushed him.

"I love you, daddy." Ami said from the door. John hadn't heard her until she spoke. He looked up and saw Carli's face. He let a few tears escape and Ami sat next to him on the bed. Joe came in also and sat on the other side of his dad.

"This box holds your mom's memories of the two of you." John pulled out the journal for Ami and looked at her. "Baby girl, your mom wrote in this journal when she was pregnant with you. I've never read it. I think we should read some today if that's alright with you." Ami hesitated and then shook her head. John opened it and flipped through, selecting a page at random.

My dearest daughter,

I found out today you're a girl! Daddy doesn't know and I'm not sure if I'll tell him. Right now it's our little secret. You'll be here in two months and three days and I can't wait to meet you. I have so many dreams for you, but mostly I will encourage you to go your own way. You have a great daddy and he'll be so excited to see you.

On a different note, I haven't been feeling well lately. The doctors know but I asked them not to tell your dad. You see, something is wrong with my heart. They put a band-aid on it, but that may not last forever. You are my present to your dad. You are a gift from God. A miracle. After your brother was born I wasn't supposed to have another child. 'Too much strain' they told me. I wanted you. I can only hope and pray I'll be here to see you grow up but if I'm not, please know you are a present from me to your dad.

John had to stop and collect himself. He was hearing these things for the first time. For ten years he'd thought she was fine until the day Amelia was born. For ten years he thought she'd been given a clean bill of health. He didn't know she had slowly been deteriorating. He looked at Joe who was shocked. He looked at Ami who was crying. He took a deep breath and continued. As he read, Ami moved over and sat next to her brother.

Amelia will be your name. I've always loved that name. Of course I'll play the game of pretending to make a list of names and letting your father think he has a vote. I did the same thing with your brother.

You are my greatest treasure, Amelia. My greatest accomplishment, my proudest moment. You and your brother are the best things that have ever happened to me. There are no words to describe how I feel as a mother. One day, when you become a mother, you'll understand. Here's your school lesson for today. A lion and a bear are just a few of the animals who protect their children with their lives. Alligators, elephants and a handful of others do the same. They attack anyone and anything that may even remotely bring harm to their children.

That is how I feel about you. I risked my life, on purpose to bring you into this world. I will risk my life every day after that. Without question and without doubt. You are a rare and priceless treasure, the most magnificent being on Earth. Don't ever doubt that, my beautiful baby girl. Always know what you mean to me. Always know I would and will lay down my life for yours.

Do not blame yourself, I do not. You are here because that's how much I love your dad. He was a gift to me and the only way I know to repay him is to give him two miracles. You and your brother. You are simply, in one word, glorious.

I will love you until the end of time. Please know that. I tell you again, you are the greatest gift I can give your dad.

My precious, amazing baby girl.

John closed the journal and they sat there in silence. After a few moments Ami climbed into her daddy's lap and put her head on his chest. She loved listening to his heartbeat, it reassured her her daddy was strong and wouldn't be leaving her any time soon. She did the same with her brother.

John kissed his kids and they walked out to get ready for Ami's party. John sat there thinking of Carli's words. She was right. His kids were pieces of her and he would always remember how wonderful she was. How she made him laugh, challenged him, scared him, and fought him, every emotion. He'd run the gambit with her and she was worth it. How would he ever move on from a woman who was perfect? On the other hand, how much more could he take?

I thought it was over, baby
We said our goodbyes
But I can't go a day without your face
Goin' through my mind

In fact, not a single minute
Passes without you in it
Your voice, your touch, memories of your love
Are with me all of the time

Let me let go, baby
Let me let go
If this is for the best
Why are you still in my heart
Are you still in my soul
Let me let go

John sat on his bed and let his heart break one more time. He let his emotions pour out of him through tears. Logic said he needed to move forward, people told him to remove her things from the house. Make a new home for him and the kids. Meet someone new. All the things he needed to do were physically impossible. How could he do that to the kids? How could he do that to himself?

Let me let go, baby
Let me let go
It just isn't right
I've been two thousand miles
Down a dead-end road

Let me let go, darlin', won't you
I just gotta know, yeah
If this is for the best
Why are you still in my heart
Are you still in my soul
Let me let go

The lights of this strange city are shinin'
But they don't hold no fascination for me
I try to find the bright side, baby
But everywhere I look
Everywhere I turn
You're all I see

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Song courtesy of Faith Hill