I came across this recently: "Time heals all wounds... and then it kills the patient", and it amused me. I share it in an attempt to counteract what follows, as this is completely devoid of fluff.
While I was writing I had this niggling sense that I remembered this style from somewhere, and finally worked out that it was CS Lewis' 'The Screwtape Letters' (for those unfamiliar with it, Screwtape is a demon writing letters of advice to his nephew on how to manipulate and tempt 'his' human). This is obviously not brilliant like that, but it does apply the principle of writing something from the opposite point of view to the one you believe. And it's fairly abstract and odd, so consider yourself warned!
Time
Time heals all wounds...
What strange and powerful spells words can weave in our consciousness.
Time, like its equally abstract friend Gravity, emerges as an inexorable, implacable force capable of mowing down flighty little human emotions without a second glance.
Indefatigable Time...
...replacing innocence with experience;
...smoothing the first dizzy excitement of young love into the deeper, steadier calm of mature love;
...taming the raw, agonising power of grief into the dull background pain of life's accumulated losses;
...healing all wounds.
A relentless unidirectional flow.
But not everyone is so easily captivated and convinced by the abstract.
Patrick Jane is a man who specialises in pain and brokenness. If you ask him, he will tell you that it is not actually about how much time passes, but rather what you do with that time that determines how, or if, you heal. He will point out that it is not time doing the healing at all; but rather the natural buoyancy of the human spirit that seeks to fix itself, just as the body does when it is sick or injured. Time merely provides the frame in which this happens.
He might also explain that in the face of this instinctive yearning towards renewal, it takes genuine dedication not to heal at all. It takes work and concentration and effort. Most of all, it takes perseverance. The weak or faint-hearted need not apply.
If you wish to follow his stellar example in this tricky endeavour, here are a few pointers that you should find helpful:
The first and most important task is to dwell on your loss with every fibre of your being. Make it the centre of your universe; the whole of your reality; your reason for being alive. For most people, this stage of grief passes once they start to accept what has happened. You must not allow this to happen! Fight your natural tendency to head towards the light and start living again.
A very useful emotion in helping you to do this is guilt. Most people feel guilt as a natural part of grief, but please do not take it for granted. Easy come, easy go. You need to hang onto your guilt consciously and energetically. Find as many different things to blame yourself for as you possibly can and allow the acid of your guilt to etch self-loathing deep into your psyche.
If you need something to help you focus and to give you something concrete to do (because boredom is a terrible foe and something which our mythical friend Time uses to constantly reorient us towards change and growth), a quest for revenge is very helpful. It will not only temper your tendency towards complete self-destruction by giving you something outward to focus some of your pain and anger on, but will also keep you stuck in the moment of your loss.
Be warned, though, such a quest is hard work in itself. Unforgiveness is the easy part, as this comes naturally to humans in a way that forgiveness does not. As even an amateur could tell you, unforgiveness is an essential emotion in any long-term attempt to prevent healing, as it keeps the wound open, causing you ongoing harm. The fact that your unforgiveness will most likely have little or no negative effect on the people at whom it is aimed will generally help fuel further pain and anger within you.
Unforgiveness inevitably starts with yourself as a necessary component of your guilt, but do try to spread it around as much as possible. The more grudges you bear, the less likely you are to ever heal. It helps to cultivate a basic disdain of the human race. Seek out people to dislike and do whatever you can to antagonise them and make them dislike you in return, because a world seething with enemies and potential enemies is a world you are unlikely to ever regain any affection for.
Unforgiveness is crucial in your quest because it so admirably feeds the other emotions you will require, principally anger and hatred. Note that it takes a lot out of you to sustain anger and hatred 24/7/365, so you might find yourself needing to sleep at odd times and instinctively avoiding excessive physical exertion. However, given enough of that helpful little thing called time, these emotions should become sufficiently entrenched in you to engender deep-seated vengefulness and bitterness, at which point your anger and hatred should become self-sustaining.
This will be a great help in the long run, because it will free up your time so that you can be more vigilant about poking at your wounds and ensuring that they never show any signs of starting to heal. It is very important that you should dwell on the cause of your grief as much as is humanly possible. Keep as many powerful reminders of your loss as you can and use them to keep your pain fresh whenever it shows any signs of diminishing. If, for instance, you lost your spouse, continue to think of yourself as married and behave accordingly.
Continue to talk to your lost ones in your mind, as this will both keep their memory constantly front-and-centre and simultaneously increase your bitterness at the sterility of having to make up their side of the conversation. Feed your rage by imagining what your loved ones would be like now if they were still alive. The debilitating loss of a child, something few people are ever able to fully recover from, can be a particularly rich field in this regard. Rage against the blow to your pride at having your family taken from you and rage against your failure to protect them. Rage against the loss of a life yet to be lived and the loss of all those important moments that you had looked forward to sharing with them. Rage against the loss of love and loss of possession and loss of security. Pour salt in the wound and wallow in your shame.
You must be sure to avoid any form of faith, as it is a given that people who believe and hope in a loving God and who believe that their lives have a higher purpose and a future even beyond death are going to heal more quickly from both physical and psychological wounds. Believe in nothing but the pain and the pointlessness and the emptiness. Dismiss, deny and mock others' beliefs every chance you get, because you greatly reduce your chances of ever believing something if you have repeatedly mocked it. And you can never be too careful, because faith is a sneaky, insidious, persistent danger which will try to trap you at every turn. Remain always on your guard.
Avoid exercise, eat as badly as you can, and most importantly, maintain poor sleep habits. If your body is healthy and well-rested, you will find it remarkably difficult to stop your mind and spirit from following suit. Try to snatch as many restless catnaps as you can at odd times throughout the day, as this will greatly decrease your chances sleeping properly at night.
Avoiding REM sleep is necessary to your continued lack of well-being, so cultivating insomnia is well worth the trouble. If you keep your mind running over the well-worn tracks of your pain and anger and you continually obsess over the details of your plans for revenge, you should be able to not only ward off sleep fairly effectively, but may also be lucky enough to get yourself into a unhealthy routine of terrible nightmares. These are useful because they render ineffective the benefits of whatever REM sleep you do get, by invading and pillaging this potentially peaceful state and often abruptly ending it by waking you up again.
Do not be seduced by beauty, kindness or compassion. You do not need anyone's help, and the presence of good things in an evil world should simply reinforce for you the horror of the true darkness and dismalness of life. Allow the stark contrast between light and dark to push you even further into your world of bitterness. For you know that the light is a lie and the darkness is the only true reality, lying in wait for us all.
Brooding is a time-consuming pastime, which requires peace and quiet. In an ideal world you could hole yourself up permanently in your home to brood, like Miss Havisham in Great Expectations, stopping your clocks and keeping your whole life a monument to the moment grief shattered it. Most people, however, do not have the luxury to do this, and you are likely to still be forced to work and interact with others. In some ways, this is a good thing. There are many hours in the day, and keeping your mind occupied is a necessary evil. But whatever you do, don't allow yourself to become fulfilled by your work. Constantly remind yourself of its pointlessness and futility. Remember that you are only doing it as a means to an end, and that end does not include job satisfaction. If at all possible, do work that brings you in constant contact with the dark underbelly of life. This will help to keep your cynicism and general dislike of humanity intact.
Do not develop any outside interests or hobbies beyond your plans for revenge, and do not waste valuable time on your wardrobe or home. Keep no pets. Avoid your neighbours. Strip your life down to the basics. If you need to distract your mind with something, watch television or read books you know will annoy you.
Do not form close associations with other people, because this will blunt your edge and divert your attention. You must remain focused or you will fail. Stay locked in your own universe and keep everyone at arm's length. It will often be necessary to make others think that you are healthy in order to keep them at bay and prevent them from interfering with you. Constantly develop your skills at lying and subterfuge, as you will find that you will need them more and more as time goes on. Charm and humour can be particularly powerful ways to deflect people from seeing the truth, as they increase people's willingness to be dazzled and deceived. An added bonus of being able to manipulate others effectively is that it will help to increase your sense of alienation and contempt for others.
You are merely mortal, so it may come about that you will find yourself becoming attached and/or attracted to someone. You will start to want them; to think you need them. You will be greatly tempted to abandon your quest in order to reach out to them. Your best option in such a difficult situation is to place no faith in your own ability to stay strong in the face of temptation, but rather to get the other person to maintain the distance between you. Antagonise them, frustrate them, hurt them, abuse their trust. Be ruthless, cold and selfish. Stay focused on your own needs and don't be distracted by theirs. If they are also damaged and hopelessly nursing unhealed wounds, so much the better.
If you are very, very careful, this kind of situation can actually help your cause. The relentless remorse you feel at causing pain to someone you care about, added to the terrible torture of wanting what you can't have and of knowing that happiness is hovering just outside your reach, can give new life and energy to your guilt, self-loathing, pain, loneliness, bitterness, anger, frustration and hatred. Every fresh wound you sustain increases your chances of never finding solace.
And finally, always remember the convenient fact that you are your own worst enemy. Make the most of this.
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven –
A time to give birth, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to tear down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing;
A time to search, and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear apart, and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (NASB)
Too judgemental? It's just that I so often want to shake Jane and make him see that his single-minded quest for vengeance, along with holding onto his creepy house and continuing to wear his wedding ring, keep him Red John's victim day after day. He's giving Red John exactly what he wants. I find that frustrating.