So i know i am in the middle of another fic, but when i started trying to right chapter three, this idea was buzzing around my head and i now have this and two chapters to follow it. it has a happy ending just so you know, dont give up on it please:) the italic bit are flashbacks, the rest is present day. Please Review!:)
Kate sighed as she all but fell into her Crown Vic. Although it was only six thirty, it had been a long day. Their case had been nothing but dead ends and they had been stuck at the precinct all day with no leads to chase down.
That was what had made it feel so long. She had spent the whole day sitting at her desk, alone. The empty chair, his empty chair, still sat in its usual place, a constant reminder that she was now partnerless.
It had been a week since the last time he sat there. She should have moved it by now. Something always stopped her, every time she stood to remove the painful reminder, there was that annoying voice in the back of her head he might come back.
That annoying little voice was giving her false hope. He wasn't coming back. He had said so himself, that day, his last day, he had looked her in the eye and promised her that if she let him get on the elevator she would never see him again.
Part of her had thought he was kidding, he loved her, he had told her that when she lay dying in his arms, he had told her twice more since then as well. He didn't strike her as the kind of person who gave up on the one he loved.
She had gone too far.
Shaking her head, she pulled herself back to the present; she couldn't focus on that now. She subconsciously put the key in the ignition, reaching for the seatbelt out of habit, glancing over at him as she did, just a natural reflex.
She stopped her gentle tugging on the seatbelt as she took in the empty passenger seat. That's all that was left of the man she loved. He was gone, leaving a string of empty chairs in his wake.
She shook her head again, trying to get him off her mind. He had been there a lot lately, he was in her every thought these days. He was at every crime scene, making his usual wise cracks and CIA conspiracy theories. He was in her morning cup of coffee, which she now brought from home in her travel mug, he was at her desk, he was in the break-room, the interrogation room, he was in the elevator, in her car, the morgue, the records room, he was everywhere!
Only he wasn't.
He hadn't been for nearly seven days.
She buckled up and pulled out into traffic, her movements automatic, her brain not needing to concentrate on the meaningless task.
She was hurting, she was upset; she missed him.
She felt tears stinging the back of her eyes. Gripping the steering wheel, she fought for control over her emotions, fighting a losing battle and she knew it.
Without realising it, she was suddenly on her way to his house, her hands turning the wheel, heading towards him, towards the comfort she so craved, towards the comfort she knew only he could provide.
She was just blocks away, her brain catching up with her, she slowed her speed, allowing the tears that had been gathering slowly, finally spill over, clouding her vision.
She pulled over, feeling her body start to shake with the weight of her sobs. She had screwed up this time, he probably wouldn't take her back, not after what she had done, or rather, failed to do.
She crossed a line, they both knew it. Their usual banter had caused her to drop her guard, she had let her walls come down, being comfortable enough in his presence to speak her mind, be herself. She had slipped up and not in a small way.
'Castle are you coming?'
They finally had a suspect, Joe Wilder, made a number of phone calls to the vic in the hours leading up to her death.
"Right behind you." He said it softly in her ear, his breath tickling the back of her neck, sending chills down her spine.
She rolled her eyes as he helped her put on her coat, she didn't need his help; she was perfectly capable of doing it herself. But she let him, like she let him follow her around all day or bring her coffee in the morning, she let him be close to her; she let herself be close to him.
He was already spinning a story as to the suspects motives for murder as they got on the elevator, finishing his latest theory, involving mob connections and possible money laundering operation, just as they reached the car.
She climbed in, and buckled up, pausing and looking over to him as he did the same. She gunned the engine and they were off, her eyes firmly focused on the road ahead, his eyes watching her intently, never leaving her face.
"Do you mind if we stop off at my place on the way? I spilt coffee on my shirt." as he spoke, his eyes were looking down his body, coming to rest on a fist-sized brown stain three quarters of the way down his chest.
She rolled her eyes, smiling at his child-like behaviour, muttering under her breath 'a nine year old on a sugar rush… and he spills things' if Castle heard her, he didn't show it. She made the turn that took them in the direction of his loft.
She was in the middle of an intersection, one block away form his loft, the lights just changing from red to green.
He saw it, she didn't.
"Kate!"
A car was speeding towards them, perpendicular to the Crown Vic, attempting to get through the lights before they changed, clearly in a great hurry.
Kate reacted on pure instinct, ramming her foot as hard as she could into the accelerator, wanting to clear the intersection before the car T-boned them, slamming into her door straight on.
The car launched itself forward, and thankfully out of the path of the approaching vehicle. She pulled into his underground parking garage, which was less than a hundred meters past the intersection, her arms shaking slightly from the adrenaline coursing through her veins.
She was filled with a familiar feeling, the same feeling she had felt just after Castle had disarmed that dirty bomb, the bomb that was about to end their lives. She felt pure ecstasy shoot through her, a bubble of laughter escaping her lips; they were alive.
She heard him laugh too, clearly thinking the same thing. She looked at his face, his grin a mirror image of her own, the same look of elation in his eyes.
'Now we're even I guess' he smirked at her.
"You have now saved my life the same amount of times I have saved yours! Nine each, we're even for now!"
They were both laughing, both giddy with joy, they were ok, they were still them, joking and teasing as per usual.
The adrenaline and ecstasy still racing through their systems, they fell into silence, their heavy breathing the only sound in the car.
Castle turned to face her, the joy somewhat abated from his face, giving her an incredulous look,
"Kate, we nearly died!"
He swallowed a little louder than necessary, letting her know he was still kidding around but also being a little bit serious.
Her head was spinning, still a little bit dizzy after their brush with death. She rolled her eyes at him, the familiar gesture putting him a bit more at ease.
"Oh Castle.."
She didn't know what brought on the next line, her mind was still reeling, her body still slightly in shock, the filter between her brain and her mouth nowhere to be found, the words were out before she could think about them, before she could stop them.
This is why she had built her walls, not to just protect herself, but also to protect others. She kept her guard up all the time; stopping herself from saying the wrong thing should it cross her mind.
But with him she always let it slip, a tiny bit of the previously impenetrable wall crumbling and falling away completely every time she showed weakness.
She kept her guard up most of the time, but when she let it slip this time it was truly a mistake, one she had a feeling he would never forgive her for, no matter how much he loved her… or used to love her.
"Were you gonna tell me you loved me again?"
She shook her head violently from side to side, for the third time that day, trying to get the image of his face out of her mind.
Her sobs grew louder, her entire body, right down to her toes, was shaking.
She would never forget how he looked at her. He looked broken, the light in his eyes gone completely. It had taken her less than a second to realise what she had said, and less time than that to regret it.
She had not only admitted to hearing him that day in the cemetery, but she had admitted to lying to him for months afterwards claiming she couldn't remember.
The worst part of what she had said was the tone in which she said it; light and teasing. He had confessed his love to her as she lay in his arms, her very life flowing out of her chest and turning his hand dark crimson, he had told her he loved her because he thought it was the last chance he would ever get, he thought he was going to lose her and that scared the crap out of him.
He had told her he loved her, honestly, truly and deeply loved her and in a moment of weakness she had made a joke about it.
Her hand flew to her mouth, her eyes widening and filling with tears instantly. She wanted to take it back, pretend she hadn't said it; she didn't want to lose him.
His eyes locked onto hers, his blue orbs held nothing but pain, not even attempting to hide the hurt he was feeling.
The intensity of his gaze caused her to look away, breaking the connection, not wanting to see what she had done.
Neither of them spoke.
He leaned away, as if he couldn't bear to be near her anymore. So many questions were swirling through his mind, how long had she remembered? Why had she lied? Did she feel the same?
"Do you?" he said, without realising he had not voiced any of his questions.
"Do you love me?"
All she wanted to do was kiss him, seal her lips to his and show him exactly how much she loved him, how much she wanted him, how much she needed him.
A tear spilled over, it took every last shred of self control he had not to reach out and catch it, wipe it away with a gentle swish of his thumb, trace the line of her jaw and pull her face to his. But he didn't. He waited.
Her walls flew straight back up, blocking her off from him, allowing no further communication. It was her reflex, it was what kept her safe, kept her from being hurt. Only this time, her walls felt more like a prison, they were keeping her away from him and no matter how hard she fought, her brain would not give in to her heart.
He couldn't take it, he couldn't sit there any longer and wait for her to decide, if she needed that much time to think about it then the answer was clear.
He got out the car, closing the door with a little more force than was required. He left her still frozen, an internal war waging within her, not that he could see it.
He heard the door slam as he reached the elevator; steeling himself, he turned to face her, blue meeting green immediately.
'Do you?' he asked again, a little softer, so she could just barely hear him.
She didn't reply.
"Its now or never Kate, I'm done chasing you." She could hear the pain in his voice, hating herself for causing it.
She willed herself to speak, to say something, anything, no not anything, she willed herself to say those three words, the three words that would change her life forever, give it that permanent sense of meaning she had been feeling and getting used to over the past four years. She willed herself to say it, say 'I love you' to him. But she couldn't.
He pressed the elevator call button, hearing the ding as it came down through the various floors, effectively counting down how long she had to decide. He took a step towards her.
"Kate, you have a choice, come with me, let me be there for you, not just at work, but at home too. Let me there for you at the end of a long day, when you just need someone to hold you or hug you, let me show you how important you are, how much you mean to me, get on the elevator with me and let me love you"
His voice cracked slightly at the end, showing her just how true those final words were.
The elevator dinged, one floor away, she was all out of time.
She opened her mouth, the words threatening to spill out, to finally tell him what she had been too afraid to say. The elevator doors opened. She lost her nerve, she couldn't do it.
A fresh wave of tears washed over her as she watched the colour drain from his face, any glimmer of hope his eyes may have held vanished in an instant.
'Kate please, give us a chance."
His eyes silently were begging her, pleading with her to throw caution to the wind and trust him.
He was desperate, he had tried to convince her, he had even begged her, he had nothing left.
"Kate if you don't get on this elevator with me, you wont see me again. I wont chase after you anymore, I'm done, I can't take it. You deserve happiness Kate, you just have to try."
His voice was thick with emotion, his words hanging between them weighing down on them, suffocating them.
He stepped onto the elevator, giving her one last chance to join him, but she didn't, she didn't move an inch, tears cascading down her face, green eyes filled with misery.
She found herself reliving the moment. She was standing in exactly the same spot she had been that day, somehow she had gathered her wits about her enough to get her to his garage.
The same emotions she had experienced the last time she laid eyes on him were once again coursing through her, threatening to break her.
She wanted to run into his arms, bury her face in his neck and let him hold her, and soother her, make everything ok again. She wanted that now every bit as bad as she had wanted it then.
"I will always love you Kate, despite everything I have always loved you, and I will never stop."
This was it, his final attempt to be with her. But she remained stock still.
As the elevator doors began sliding shut, he whispered his final words
"I love you Kate… Always."
Then the doors were closed and he was gone.
"I love you" Her voice was shaking, her emotions crashing down on her, forcing her to slide down against the car, knees to her chest, her face buried in her hands.
"I love you." She said again, to no one but the empty air.
Too little too late.
She pulled herself together as she walked towards the elevator, hating herself for not doing it last time, for not stepping forward when it really counted. She hated herself for building those walls, for keeping herself locked up for so long, for forgetting how to let people in.
She hated herself for letting him get on the elevator, for breaking down on the cold hard garage floor one week ago. She hated that she had been so weak, that she had hurt him again when she had promised herself she never would.
She hated that it had taken her this long to come back.
Taking a deep breath to calm herself, and wiping the tear tracks off her cheeks, she got on the elevator, standing a little to the right, leaving space for him, space he wasn't there to claim, but she felt it was rightfully his, that was where he belonged; beside her.
Getting off on his floor, she did not give her brain time to stop her, she was not going to let it ruin this for her again, not when she stood to lose so much.
She raised her hand to knock on his door, her mouth already shaping the words she planned on saying. Her knuckle made contact with the wood, once, twice, three times, and she listened for any movement.
She whispered the words to herself, making sure she said them just right, making sure he would understand that she meant them wholeheartedly.
She whispered them once more as she heard the dead bolt being shifted on the opposite side of the door.
She whispered to herself one final time before the door swung open.
I Love you.
So please review and let me know if it is worth continuing, i do have the rest of it planned anyway:) a happy ending is promised!:) PLEASE REVIEWWW! (and check out my other fics if you can) BC