Author's Note: This will be multi-chaptered. It's basically going to provide us with insight for those three years. Hopefully I can do a good job of it, this is like to turn into a really long story. Hope you guys are in for the long haul!
This first part goes out to iHeartYou13, who was really looking forward to this once I mentioned it!
Living the Lie:
October 13,
1974.
There are days where he briefly wonders why the hell he still stays on this island and there are days when he briefly wonders why the hell he would wonder about something like that. As though it should have been obvious, which it was. He stayed because it was just as he'd told Juliet a month ago on the docks, there was nothing to go back to.
Realizations dawned on him daily when he was sitting and staring at hippie monitors in the security station for eight straight hours. And after one month of being in the 'Dharma Initiative', he couldn't quite cop and say he hated the damned island. He couldn't say he liked it, but he most definitely didn't hate it.
The worst realization was tonight. When he realized that they could have been in their own time and he still wouldn't have anything to go back to by leaving the island. The island had actually made him somebody. The realization that he meant more to people on a deserted island than he did back home. What was home anyways?
It seemed sad to him that he felt more at home in 1974 then he did in 2004, on an island rather then back in America. Worse yet, he was actually beginning to like Jin, like Miles, like Daniel, and even like Juliet. Juliet had to be the kicker for him. Her and her walls. That woman had built mile high walls around herself that he couldn't break down if he tried.
At least, that's what he'd thought when they first got here. That was until he told her he was staying when Horace asked them to join the Initiative. When the sub had come the next day, he'd thought she left and hadn't said good-bye. Turned out, she'd just decided to sleep in. He hadn't been too sure if he'd liked her until that moment when he was sitting in the kitchen and she had come out wearing a pair of over-sized sweatpants and a tank top.
That was the moment he'd realized she'd stayed with him in this forsaken place regardless of the promise she'd only made to him for two weeks. He hadn't voiced his gratitude for it but he sure as hell appreciated it nonetheless. Come to think of it.. he probably should thank her when he went back to the house he shared with her.
That had been another strange occurrence in his island life. They had drawn straws to shack up with their room-mates. The two big straws got one two-bedroom house, the three tiny straws had to go share the other two-bedroom house. Somehow he and Juliet wound up pulling the big straws and he'd been shacked up with his worst enemy. It had been even stranger to explain to Horace, 'No, we are not romantically involved..'
Having a room-mate was one thing, even if he hadn't ever had one before. Having a female room-mate? That was a whole other story. Not to mention the said female companion had once locked him in a cage, tasered him, shot down his morality in a thirty second speech to himself and Sayid and then teased him about building a runway for the aliens.
There were far too many sides to Juliet Burke that he couldn't fully comprehend. The side of her that was cold and calculating was a side that made him wonder what happened to her in her life to make her that way. The side of her that cracked jokes at the most ridiculous moments about the most ridiculous things was a side that made him wonder if she had multiple personality disorder.
Then there was the side of her that would willingly go into dangerous situations just to prove herself to other people that made him question her sanity just a little bit. Yet the side of her that he was certain he would never, ever, fully comprehend, was the side that made the decision to stay here passed those two weeks. She'd said it herself, she'd been trying to get off the island for over three years.
A tap on his shoulder made him blink out of his revelations. He turned and met the icy blue eyes that belonged to the woman he'd just been pondering about. "Need somethin'?"
She arched that famous eyebrow of hers in response. "You've been here an hour passed your shift," she pointed out casually. "Not that Miles is complaining, that's an hour less he's forced to stare at those monitors. But you've got me curious."
Sawyer was silent for a beat, locked into a staring contest with her. He found it strange that she didn't judge him based on all of her knowledge of him and his past. He figured he should be thankful but he was more curious about why. He wondered if it was because she had her own past that made her understand his own, or if she simply didn't care.
And suddenly this staring contest made him realize he'd barely spoken to her in almost a week. She'd stayed with him and he'd started ignoring her. He was more of an ass then he realized. Finally he relented, standing up and breaking their eye-contact, allowing her that victory. "Was just thinkin'," was all he admitted to before heading towards the door. "Better tell Miles to hurry his ass up before someone realizes he ain't here for his shift."
Juliet blinked in response, watching him leave. He'd been acting strange with her for the passed two weeks and she didn't have an explanation for why. She also refused to waltz up to him and simply ask what his issues with her were. She was fairly certain those issues probably had something to do with a polar bear cage and a taser. It was likely that even if she gave him the best sex he'd ever had in his life, the little tidbit of all the things she'd done to him would still be hanging over them.
Not that she could give someone the best sex of their life. He was probably somewhere along the lines of triple digits in the number of women he'd been with. She'd be lucky if she could keep counting passed the fingers on one hand. Her eyebrows furrowed at the current train of thought. She'd have to cease that thinking pattern. She rolled her eyes at herself before going to Miles', Jin's, and Daniel's house and knocking.
The door opened and Miles was standing there looking at her expectantly. "James says you should probably hurry to the security station before someone notices you're late for your shift."
"Shit!" Miles drawled out in annoyance. He was slinging his boots on in an instant before he looked up at her. "You making dinner tonight?"
Juliet stared at him momentarily, being sure not to let the annoyance from that question show in her eyes or face. "Does kitchen backwards spell woman?" she quipped before turning and heading towards the house she shared with Sawyer.
"W-O-M-A-N.. yep!" came the swift response from behind her.
Juliet paused. She glanced back at him and lifted a brow. "Then I guess one of you in that house better go get castrated and start wearing a dress," was her reply before she turned and went home. She found herself smiling as she heard Miles grumbling something about PMS as he trudged off for work.
Once again she stopped at the front porch of their house and watched the amusement that was playing on Sawyer's features. "What?" she questioned defensively. "Just because I'm the only one in our group without something hanging between their legs constantly doesn't mean I have to be the designated cook."
Sawyer stared at her. He was pretty sure he probably shouldn't say what he was going to but he did it anyways. "Give us a break here," he stated. "It ain't always hanging between our legs."
Being silent was the only thing she could think to respond with.
Sawyer smirked. He was certain he won that one, which made him feel better about giving up their staring contest earlier. At least, it did until her retort.
"It will be if I kick it," she responded before stepping passed him on the porch and heading inside.
"Sonuvabitch.." he muttered quietly, flinching at the visual. "Not if I kick you in the ovaries first!" he called back to her just before she made it through the door.
Juliet felt the smile protrude on her face before she could stop it. Leave it to him to come up with something that vulgar.
Sawyer was grinning now. 'Oh yea', James 1, Juliet 1' he thought to himself. It took a moment for him to realized he'd just thought of himself as James for one of the first times. Score changed. 'James 1, Juliet 2' he decided. She was ahead again.
"That'd be difficult considering where they are," she told him, listening to his footsteps as he followed her through the door. She paused just a moment to shut it behind him before leaning back and folding her arms across her chest. "And I doubt Mr. Droopy and his low-hanging status would make it there for the punt."
Sawyer froze. 'Dammit.. James 1, Juliet 3.. now she's just kickin' my damned ass..' he thought in annoyance. He turned and walked up to her as she leaned against the front door. He paused for a moment, rethinking what he was about to do, but decided, 'screw it'.
Juliet narrowed her eyes slightly, trying to determine the challenge she now saw in his eyes. She would have laughed had he not suddenly caged her in at the doors by putting his hands flat against it on either side of her. She leaned back into the door more fully before she caught herself as he came nose to nose with her and she felt something undistinguished flutter through her. Fear? Not quite. But he was definitely making her nervous.
He was about to make a gutter comment when he noticed the strange look in her eyes. She'd managed to keep her face a blank slate. But they say the eyes are the window to the soul, and for her, they most certainly were. He saw the nervousness in them, the uncertainty, the almost fear.. and he instantly felt bad. He removed his hands, backing away immediately. He'd only meant to joke around with her, not scare her. And suddenly he realized she was a lot more human that he'd ever realized.
She frowned slightly, opening her mouth to apologize to him for the way she'd just reacted when there was a knock on the door. She bit down on her lip and watched him walk over to the couch and pick up his book and she released an inward sigh. It took a moment for her to remember there was someone as the door and when she did she turned and opened it.
"Juliet!" Came Horace's ever happy reaction. "Good to see you, I was hoping to speak to Jim!"
Juliet smiled now, unable to help it. She nodded and moved aside allowing him to enter before motioning him over to the couch where Sawyer had his nose in a book already. She made a note that he'd notoriously succeeded in managing to make sure whoever was at the door wouldn't notice the tension between them. She managed a short roll of the eyes before heading into the kitchen.
"How about meatloaf?" she called out. Cold, calculating.
Sawyer cringed, remaining silent in response.
Juliet just smiled as she took out chicken. He hated meatloaf. "Chicken it is," she sung out to the silence.
Horace chuckled at the relief that crossed over one of his newest members of Dharma. "You sure you two aren't together, Jim?" he questioned with a grin.
They both listened to Juliet's snort of laughter from the kitchen. Sawyer could only shake his head in response and shoot a look at Horace. "I'm sure ya' didn't come here just to ask that, H'," he pointed out, placing his book down on the table before turning to study the man before him.
Horace smiled at him. "Of course not," he assured him. "I'm sure its distressing that you haven't been able to find anymore members of your crew," he told Sawyer. "But its only been a month, and this is a very large island, they could have wandered anywhere," he assured him.
Sawyer frowned slightly. "I ain't given up hope yet, H'," he admitted. "If they're out there, I'm gonna fine 'em, I owe 'em that much."
"You're a good man, Jim," Horace told him with confidence. "Now then, how are you and Juliet fairing?" he questioned curiously.
Sawyer lifted an eyebrow in response before glancing at the wall that was between him and Juliet. "Pretty well," he told their fearless little leader.
Horace nodded. "Well, since you're not together, I just wanted to make sure this wasn't an awkward living arrangement for you," he admitted sheepishly. "I'd feel badly if either of you were uncomfortable being housed together."
Juliet found herself listening carefully for Sawyer's response. She wondered if he'd use this as his chance for a cop out and lose her as a room-mate. She wouldn't blame him if he did after the way she'd reacted to him just before Horace came over. She knew he was only going to continue the joke. She hadn't meant to increase the tension that already existed between them.
Maybe it would be better if he took the cop out. Back on the beach with the other survivor's they had both done their best to avoid each other as much as possible. They weren't friends. He hated her as far as she could tell. She had never judged him, she realized, what the hell right had he had to judge her? Within a moment she realized she'd been gripping the edge of the counter so tightly that her knuckles were turning white.
She frowned immediately and put the chicken away again. Screw dinner. And screw James Ford. She'd watched his back just as she had promised him she would do. And sure, before that she'd been on the other side, against him. But she'd proved herself, hadn't she? She resisted the urge to slam the refrigerator door as she entered the living room to answer the question for Sawyer.
"That won't be necessary, Horace," she said, faking a sweet smile.
Both Horace and Sawyer looked up at her.
"Are you sure?" Horace questioned, studying her intently.
Juliet nodded. "Of course, really, there's no need to go out of your way, I was leaving on the next sub anyways," she explained before she turned and headed down the hall and into her bedroom.
Sawyer stared after her in shock. He knew his mouth was open and he couldn't stop himself. He felt as though he'd just been sucker-punched in the gut. And he also knew this was probably his fault. He'd taken it too far earlier and scared the crap out of her by doing so. He frowned now and turned to Horace. "Ya' should prolly' go.." he stated. "Think she's mad at me."
Horace nodded slightly. "I really hope you can talk her into staying, I'd hate to see her go," he admitted. "She's really a very sweet woman, Amy's very fond of her."
Sawyer wondered what Horace would think if he knew how many people he and Juliet had killed. "When's the sub coming in?" he questioned now. He wondered how much time he had to convince Juliet to stay. And he'd be damned, if Horace said tomorrow, he'd likely sock the man right in the jaw.
"Not until next month," Horace told him. "Good luck, and Jim?"
Sawyer waited for him to speak.
"I'm sure she'd stay if you just told her how you feel about her!" Horace assured him.
Sawyer watched him walk away in a stunned silence. What the hell was it with that man? "He's gotta be smokin' somethin' good.." he muttered, shaking his head and shutting the door. "Damned seventies hippies.."
He took a deep breath and let it out as he leaned against the door to think. How was he supposed to convince her to stay when he couldn't even convince himself that he had a good enough reason to ask her to? He closed his eyes and banged the back of his head against the door once. He'd asked her to stay because he was lonely. Was that a good enough reason to ask her again? He wasn't sure he wanted to be alone again.
Now he frowned once more. He had to at least give it a shot. The walk down the hall felt like a damned never-ending walk of shame as he finally made it to her door. He stared at it for another minute, wondering exactly what he should say to her. He wasn't really sure how long he stood there before he finally poised his hand to knock and that was the exact moment she'd chosen to open the door.
Juliet studied him cautiously as he stood there. Truthfully she'd heard him come down the hall and stop at her door over five minutes ago. She was well-aware he'd been standing there the entire time but she made sure not to let that show on her face. Instead she chose to keep her face in a mask of indifference. "Did you need something?" she asked curtly. "Or can I go to the bathroom?"
Sawyer frowned once more. He opened his mouth, determined to ask her to stay, but the words never came out. Instead he shut his mouth and stepped to the side wordlessly, watching as she walked down the hall to the bathroom. He shook his head slightly and wandered back towards the living room in defeat as he plopped himself down on the couch. It was gonna be one long damned month.
~*~*~
October 16th,
1974.
In a matter of two days nothing had gotten even remotely better between himself and Juliet. He couldn't work up the courage to have a real sit-down with her and talk. And so he found himself spending most his days with Jin, Miles and Daniel. He ate his meals there, spent his time off there, drank there. The only damned thing he wasn't doing at their house was sleeping. He'd go home once he knew she was sleeping and crawl into bed, do it all over again the next day.
On the third day he finally stayed home. If he kept staying over there, pretty soon they were gonna start asking questions that he probably didn't have the answers to. It was Saturday. He wasn't working on Saturdays. He picked a hell of a day to decide to stay home. He wandered down the hall and stopped in the living room, glancing to the side and noticing Juliet with her nose in a book. He nose also made a note that something smelled damned good.
"I made pancakes," she stated, not bothering to look up from what she was reading. She knew it was childish but then again, he'd spent two days straight avoiding her at any costs. What did it matter if she barely acknowledged him now that they were finally in the same room together? "Syrup is next to your plate on the table," she added.
Sawyer studied her for a moment. He figured that was all he was going to get from her so he headed into the kitchen and eyed the empty plate on the counter. It took him a moment for her statement to hit him.
'Syrup is next to your plate on the table.'
He glanced over at the table now. She'd made him a plate, true to her word. He felt guilty instantly. He spent two days avoiding her and then on day three she makes him breakfast. Not only had she made pancakes, she'd made sausage and eggs to go with it too. The eggs were sunny-side up, just like he liked them. How the hell did she even know how he liked his eggs?
Finally he went over to the table and sat down. He looked back over and noted that she gave no indication that she was paying any attention to him whatsoever. Either she was thoroughly engrossed in that book or she was still mad at him. He'd guess the latter if she hadn't made a giant breakfast and made a damned plate for him. She confused the hell out of him.
He sat there for a while picking at the plate. And even when it was done he made no move to get up. Instead he leaned his elbow on the table and placed his chin on his hand in thought.
He nearly jumped when the plate disappeared from in front of him. He glanced over and watched as Juliet took it to the sink and began washing it off. That just made him feel worse. It took another moment for him to realize the sink was full. He frowned and stood up, grabbing a dry dish towel and heading over to her.
Juliet glanced to the side at him. She studied the guilty look on his face and sighed lightly in reaction to it. She'd made him breakfast because she felt bad and in turn that had only made him feel bad too. They were a hell of a pair. She gave him a small smile as she handed the dish for him to dry before she got started on the others.
They went on like that in a comfortable silence for a good ten minutes before they'd emptied the sink and they both spent another few minutes putting the different dishes away. Truthfully, if the other three men weren't over here eating all the time, there wouldn't be nearly as many dishes. She'd neglected to tell Sawyer that she'd invited Jin, Miles and Daniel over for breakfast earlier.
"You really gonna leave?" Sawyer finally questioned once the dishes were all put away. He watched as she leaned against the counter, obviously thinking his question over in her head. That was just Juliet. She never gave immediate answers to serious questions. She was articulate, she had to think things through to be sure she said what she wanted. He was getting used to that.
Juliet let her eyes trail to the floor as she juggled the upside and the downside of saying yes or no. "I don't know," she answered truthfully before lifting her eyes to meet his gaze. She nearly gave in and told him no when she saw the pained look in his eyes.
"You should," he stated with a bit of a shrug. He tried to keep himself sounding indifferent. He tried his damned hardest to make it sound like he didn't really care one way or another. And he was pretty damned sure he was failing at it completely.
She frowned in response. "Why do you care?" she finally questioned. "You don't even like me, James," she reminded him. "We spent the longest time hating each other and I get that during the flashes we sort of had to work together," she admitted. "But there's no more danger, we're not out in the jungle anymore running from God only knows what," she stated.
Sawyer was taken back by her words. Was that really what she thought? She honestly thought he still didn't like her after all she's done for him already? She was the only one keeping him sane throughout all of those flashes. And to be fully honest, when she'd had her first nose bleed as they were sitting on the beach soaking wet he'd been afraid he would lose the only anchor holding him down.
He tried to think of a response to what she'd just said to him. He wasn't entirely sure what he could say. What the hell would make her believe he cared? Finally he decided to reiterate with another question, one that he'd been dying to ask her. "Why don't you seem to care about all the things I've done in the past?" he dared to ask.
Juliet studied him, her face passive as she thought about the question. And the same words that she'd told Jack that first day she'd met him came flying back to her. "Because.. it doesn't matter who we were before the island, James, or even before we got here to Dharma," she assured him. "It only matters who we are now."
"So we ignore the past," Sawyer stated casually, shrugging his shoulders. To be honest her words shocked him. She wasn't judging him for his past because that's exactly what it was, the past. "And we do what, we start over?"
She narrowed her eyes slightly, studying him and tossing his question around in her head. "You can't ignore the past," she explained. "You can only overcome it," she stated with a sigh. She leaned her arms back on the counter, then rolled her neck around to loosen up. "The reason why I'm not bothered by your past is because you're not the same man," she pointed out. "You've changed."
Sawyer eyed her warily.
Juliet allowed her eyes to soften slightly when she realized he didn't believe her. "Jack left us, James," she pointed out. "And you didn't hesitate to take the lead when we all needed you. You're the reason we're alive."
"Some leader," Sawyer mumbled under his breath. "At least when Jackass led 'em, people stayed alive, I took over and thirty-somethin' people died or went missin' and we can't even find 'em," he retorted before turning to walk out of the kitchen.
Juliet stopped leaning on the counter and reached out, grabbing hold of his hand before he could get away. "Look at me, James," she said softly. "None of what happened was your fault, you did the best you could in a horrible situation," she explained to him. "Jack couldn't have done half of what you've done here."
"What do you care?" he shot out, throwing her an annoyed glance. "We don't even like each other anyhow.."
Juliet let go of his hand instantly and looked away.
Sawyer felt guilty almost immediately. He hadn't meant to say it, he'd just shot it out on rebound. It was what he was used to doing. "I didn't mean that.." he muttered, glancing down and then back up at her.
"Yes you did," she corrected him. "Look, just get this through your thick head," she stated, her voice getting stone-cold once again. "If it weren't for you, we'd all be dead right now," she told him. "I stayed here because you're the reason I'm still alive, you're the reason I still have a chance to see my--" she stopped suddenly. She took a deep breath and shook her head. "Just get your damned head out of your ass before I shove my foot up it," she warned him.
Sawyer watched in shock as she walked away from him. He couldn't help the shit-eating grin that came across his face at the last sentence she'd said. "That mean you're stayin'?!" he yelled down the hall.
"Somebody's gotta watch your back.." came the muffled reply as the water to the shower turned on.
()()TBC()()
So here's how this story will work. Every chapter will be one month of the year! One chapter is one month, got it? :) good. That being said, I hope you liked it! There's much more to come.