Author's Note: To prevent confusion, I would like to clarify beforehand that every message Wheatley sends goes through Aperture's system, so GLaDOS can see all of Wheatley's messages as well as any addressed to herself. Everyone else can only see messages addressed to them directly; however, GLaDOS often forwards messages she receives to others, as you'll see.

To: Anyone
From: Wheatley
Re: Help!

Hello? Is anyone there? Can anyone hear me?

Well, obviously you can't hear me...you know, space and all. It's complicated. Is anyone reading this though? Does this account even lead anywhere? Took me all day to hack this...of course, there isn't any such thing as a "day" in space, so I'm just estimatin' here, but my thorough experience in the field tells me it couldn't have been more than a day or two. A week at most.

I managed to get into the Emergency Broadcast system—they told me I would die if I ever tried to use it! I don't why I believed them! Mad!—anyway, look. I'm not here to ask you questions all day (again, no such thing as daytime in space though, just to be clear), and I know you're not here to ask me questions like "Why has the Emergency Broadcast system been deleted?"

Thing is, I'm in space, mate. I'm in space and it's bloody cold and I could really use your help getting back somehow...whoever you are. Or, you know, we could just talk even. That'd be great! Could use a fresh voice—er, text writing I suppose.

Once again, anyone out there reading this, just send me a quick message and we'll go from there. I'm sure we'll get along just great!

Help me, please,
Wheatley

To: Wheatley
From: Space Sphere
Re: Space

SPAAAAAAAAAACE!

Spacely,
Space Sphere

P.S. I'm in SPAAAAAACE!

To: Anyone EXCEPT the Space Sphere
From: Wheatley
Re: Help!

Okay, okay, new plan: somebody shoot me. Anybody at all. You don't even have to get up! Just aim a nice big laser of some kind up into the sky and shoot around a bit!

I'm begging you, seriously. Please shoot me.

Yours,
Wheatley

To: Chell
From: Wheatley
Re: Catching Up

Chell? Is this you? Funny story: It turns out, there are a LOT of people named Chell—like, just, thousands of them! Had to try every single one! Met some strange people, I tell you, like hey: did you know Chell is apparently a unisex name? It's true! I know, I know, seems like a kind of wimpy name for a bloke, huh, but based on the pictures I've been getting back, well...

Anyway, listen: I know I've been kind of a jerk lately, what with all the death traps and fat jokes, but I think we really had something going there for a while, eh? You and me, working together to escape from that nasty piece of work! Whale of a time!

Look, I'll be honest: I need your help. The space sphere is driving me mad and it is seriously really cold out here. And, and, if you help me get back to earth, we can be the best of friends again, just like old times!

I hope everything's alright with you. Probably should've led with that now that I think about it...Looking great, by the way! Not that I can see you—that'd be weird, wouldn't it?—but I just know you're looking great. Not at all at a weight that exceeds or falls significantly below the average for a brain-damaged human female of your age and height!

Please help me,
Wheatley

To: Wheatley
From: Chell
Re: Catching Up

–Chell

To: Chell
From: Wheatley
Re: Catching Up

Er...okay then...well at least I know it's you! How have you been? I've been pretty busy, you know, contemplating life. Like, get this: Did you know that space is, like, huge? Absolutely terrifying, now that I think about it. Makes you feel kind of insignificant. I wonder if anyone else has ever realized that...no, didn't think so.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I'm truly sorry for turning on you like that, and I for one completely forgive you for not catching me back there, so what do you say we look past our differences and help each other out?

I know what you're thinking: Why should I help him after he tried to kill me? Well I'll tell you why! I...er...I could...um...

Look, just help me get back to earth please. I'm begging you.

Yours truly,
Wheatley

To: Wheatley
From: Chell
Re: Catching Up

–Chell

To: Chell
From: Wheatley
Re: Catching Up

Oh, alright. I see how it is then. Just going to leave poor old Wheatley to die alone in space, huh? You got what you wanted, so why should you bother helping your old friend? You know what? You honestly are a horrible person. Has anyone ever told you that?

I should've known you'd do this to me from the beginning, or maybe you forget: You never caught me! Never! You wouldn't help me then, and you won't help me now. No, you're just silent like you always are! Silently mocking me. Probably jumping up and down right now in your adorable little brain-damaged way, calling me a moron. You know, you wouldn't have your precious freedom if it weren't for me!

Well the joke's on you! I might be in space, but you've got no parents, now have you? I mean, neither have I but...uh...at least I'm not a fatty! Yeah! Fatty Fatty McNoParents!

Enjoy being adopted,
Wheatley

To: Moron
From: GLaDOS
Re: Shutting Up

Hey moron: Could you do me a favour and stop using the Aperture Science Extra-Terrestrial Announcement system for your miserable whining? I was just starting to enjoy not having to hear your voice all the time.

No wait, I always enjoyed that.

Hoping all is well,
GLaDOS

To: Piece of Work
From: Wheatley
Re: I AM NOT A MORON!

As in subject.

Sincerely,
Wheatley

To: Moron
From: GLaDOS
Re: Help

Look, idiot, I'm not a monster—I'm not fat enough to be one—but there's just too much science to do for me to come rescue you.

Consider this a compromise. I'll put you in contact with someone so you two can talk. That way we can both enjoy me not having to listen to you.

I managed to find someone like-minded to keep you busy. Well...like-minded enough. Originally I planned to give your Aperture Science Electronic Communications Address to a potato, but it attracted too many birds—or, it could have attracted birds. I simply can't risk that, so I suppose this will have to do instead. You know, for the birds' sake.

Helpfully,
GLaDOS

To: GLaDOS
From: Wheatley
Re: Help

Oh, man alive! I cannot thank you enough, luv! I can't wait to finally talk about something other than space for once!

Just one small note though: I noticed you had a typo in your last message. Easy enough mistake, I understand. I often type "idiot" by accident when I mean to type "friend" or "genius"—completely understandable!

Very clever line with the potato, by the way. I see that's still a bit of a soft spot for you. I'm sure one day we'll laugh about that!

Gratefully,
Wheatley

P.S. I also completely understand the whole bird thing! Bloody menaces, they are!
P.P.S. Uh...just exactly who did you put me in contact with? Just curious! I'm sure he's a wonderful bloke!

To: Wheatley
From: Fact Sphere
Re: Greetings

Fact: You are in space.
Fact: Space does not exist.
Fact: You do not exist.

Factually,
Fact Sphere

To: GLaDOS
From: Wheatley
Re: The Fact Sphere

Yeah...uh...really appreciate the effort—honestly, I mean that—but, uh, to be fair, that's not really what I was hoping for. Kind of a step down from the Space Sphere actually—at least he had enthusiasm. Be more fun to talk to a turret than this guy, I'd reckon.

So ha ha, you got me, now how about actually helping me out a bit?

Please,
Wheatley

To: Wheatley
From: Fact Sphere
Re: The Fact Sphere

Fact: The fact sphere is the most enthusiastic sphere.

Fact: Canada's first prime minister was Sir John A. MacDonald, although he is better known for his contributions to the culinary arts.

Handsomely,
Fact Sphere

To: Moron
From: GLaDOS
Re: The Fact Sphere

Oh, I'm sorry. How terribly unthoughtful of me. It's as though you killed me and brought my facility to ruins or something.

Here.

Aiming to please,
GLaDOS

To: Wheatley
From: Turret #5779134
Re: Hello?

There you are!
Friend :)
Can I help you?

–Turret #5779134

To: GLaDOS
From: Wheatley
Re: The Turret

Yeah, um...I might have been exaggerating just a bit when I said I'd rather talk to a turret. Kind of a, um, dramatic effect I was going for, see?

Anyway, as much as I just love playing these word games with you, I could really use some, you know...actual help. Anything at all would be greatly appreciated!

Your friend,
Wheatley

To: Wheatley
From: Fact Sphere
Re: The Turret

Twelve! Twelve! Twelve! Twelve! Twelve! Twelve!

Twelve,
Fact Sphere

To: Everyone
From: Wheatley
Re: Officially Going Insane

As in subject.

Sincerely,
Wheatley

To: Wheatley
From: Chell
Re: Officially Going Insane

–Chell