Prologue
"We have to leave…
How much longer can we stay in forks after all?
You can't come… were we're going is not the right place for you
I'm no good for you. My world is not for you.
What happened with Jasper was exactly what was to be expected.
I don't want you to come. I don't… want… you.
I'll always love you… in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… tired of pretending to be something I'm not. I am not human.
I've let this go on for much too long and I'm sorry for that.
You're not good for me Bella."
Stephenie Meyer: New moon.
Just like every night during the last two months, I wasn't able to find Morpheus' arms; I wasn't able to find my very much needed rest, all because of his words; the words he had told me before he left. Before they all left. Some people say that words can't hurt, precisely because they're just words. As far as I'm concerned I actually realized that the words are our most powerful weapon: when they'd hurt someone, you couldn't take them back, like you could with a simple bullet or a knife, no. You had to live with them, accept them, and not even a "sorry" can remove the pain you feel. Living with hurting words, is much harder than the simple fact of hearing them. I couldn't help myself to repeat his all speech like a broken record in my head, all days, but also all nights long. They were like a powerful venom that would slowly spread into your body, and that you can't possibly take out of you. You can't heal from them. And don't even try to count on time, because the best it can do to you is to convert those words into simple memories that would get lost in the past, to chase after you in the future, in your most vulnerable moments. The best that can happen to you if you ever heard hurting words is being able to make sure they don't affect you. I believe that words do have something in common with life: they're what you make of them. For instance, I decided that his words would kill me, my soul, and every part of me. I could certainly fight back, I could certainly try to live, but I didn't want to because my life wouldn't make sense without him: he was, is and will always be my life. His absence had done nothing but confirm that he's nothing for me. Nothing. Nothing but my world. Nothing but my universe.
I was grateful that tonight no strange nightmare had visited me. No Victoria, No Volturi, No strange human/animal transformation, no creatures fight, none of that. Pretty silent for a Bella Swan night if you'd ask me. Just when I was getting used to my body's non sleeping policy, my friendly nightmares, decided to leave me. Once again, I felt abandoned and became afraid of the boredom this night would give me, because as bad as the nightmares were, they at least were very useful to refrain me from thinking of him.
There was still one thing that I was honestly, and truthfully satisfied about though: I knew for sure that tonight Charlie could finally take a long awaited rest. He wouldn't feel the need to wake up and try to cheer me up after my daily nightmare. I didn't want him to put up with my pain. I wanted to take responsibility for the choices I was currently making with my life, and I was aware that making Charlie worried sick about me wouldn't help. To make things much better, for some reason, other than my broken heart, my dad worked more than usual at the office, since the Cullen left. Something about tracking down an animal that could possibly kill Fork's already tiny population. Since they left, nobody was allowed to go there, which also strictly prevented me from going to my only happy place on earth. I for once, was wondering what could possibly be more dangerous than vampires in town. My need to satisfy my aroused curiosity, and the determination I had to have a sleeping night, or morning however you want to put it made me ignore my dad's and his orders to be safe. Besides, how could you possibly appreciate your life if you're never on the verge of losing it? I was convinced that the concept of danger was invented for that. It was invented for people who wanted to make sure they were alive. I didn't, but it was the only way for me to feel closer to him and to his world. So I silently jumped out of my window, just like he had taught me and left the police chief's house for the forest, for my happy place.