A/N: MissBeeFarm pointed out, and rightfully so, that Sirius and Minerva have not said 'I love you' yet in my stories. So here's one that explains why they might find it difficult to say. It's a little sad, but it was interesting to write. I hope you'll like it! please let me know whether you do or don't, and why. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated!
Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I would have a lot more money in my bank account. Which is to say I don't own him at all.
Three Small Words
Minerva is so caught up in the essays that need correcting that she nearly jumps out of her chair when there's a soft knock on her door. She realises she's fortunate not to have missed it; it wouldn't be the first time. Albus has managed to surprises her on more than one occasion by giving the password and entering without her even knowing.
She briefly wonders who her visitor might be. As she's at Hogwarts it's either one of her students or one of her colleagues. The students are most likely not thinking about homework at this hour on a Friday evening, though, so it's more likely one of the other teachers.
"Come in," she calls. Perhaps Filius is looking for a suitable person to discuss one of the latest charms articles with, or maybe Severus needs some distracting from his position as a spy. Then again, Rolanda may well have decided it's time to party and have come to drag her along. She wouldn't put it past the woman.
When her door creaks open, however, she discovers she was mistaken. And she scolds herself silently for forgetting to include this one person in her list, as he's now a part of her family. Or she a part of his, to be completely correct. And being Minerva McGonagall, being not entirely correct is simply unacceptable.
"Harry! What brings you here so close to curfew? Has something happened? Is it professor Umbridge?" she asks, immediately worried. Her eyes rake over his body in an attempt to assess the situation quickly: if Umbridge has done anything to hurt Harry even more than she already has, Minerva's already short temper will blow.
"No, I'm fine. And Ron and Hermione are too, although I doubt Ron would agree. She's drilling some difficult spells into him for a charms tests in two days. But I needed to come see you," Harry confesses, still looking slightly ill at ease.
She gestures for Harry to step inside, closing the door as soon as he's brushed past her. But not before making sure Umbridge was nowhere near; it would only give her something against both Harry and her, and the young man has enough to deal with as it is. His Occlumency lessons with Severus are going anything but great, Severus has told her, and it's having its effect on Harry. He seems more tired than she's ever seen him and he rubs his scar a good deal these days.
"What did you want to talk to me about?" she questions once they're both comfortable seated. she knows she's taking in risk in being as direct as usual given the circumstances, but she believes it's worth it. Just like his godfather, Harry sometimes needs a little push to get him to talk.
"I wanted to talk about two things, actually. Professor Snape, to start with. I uh… I made a big mistake yesterday. When I came in to start our Occlumency lesson, he was removing some of his memories. The lesson was torture, as always… The pain was so bad I couldn't even see straight after," Harry admits.
Minerva finds her heart speeding up. Having been instructed in the art of Legilimency and Occlumency by none other than Albus Dumbledore himself, she knows better than most how painful it can be to have someone force their way into your head. Even if you're letting them do it to teach you. She stays silent, though.
"Anyway, it all started to go downhill when I used a shield charm and the professor bumped into the wall by the force of it. I got angry because I was showing him how horrible I am at Occlumency, and because he could remove the memories he didn't want me to see. So when he was called out, I stepped into the Pensieve," Harry says.
Minerva now understands why Severus has been in such a foul mood all day. She holds her tongue, though, knowing her raven-haired colleague has already punished Harry for doing something of the sort. And for once, she doesn't believe he overdid the punishment. After all, Harry's not in detention, which he would definitely be had he looked into her thoughts without being given permission.
"I saw my father bullying him for no reason, Minerva. I saw Sirius and Remus stand idly by as my dad cursed professor Snape. My mother was the only one to stand up for him," Harry says in a small voice.
She ignores the fact Harry has just called her Minerva in favour of focusing on what he's just said. It's no wonder the boy has come to her; she's Sirius's partner and his former Head of House, she should know all about this. And she does, she remember the bullying her Marauders did better than she likes to admit.
"Your father was quite a handful, but he never raised his want to anyone but Severus," she begins, using Snape's given name. "Your mother hated it. As did Remus, he told me so himself when he was young. And Sirius… Well, Sirius has changed a lot since then. He was an immature, trouble-loving child back then, Harry. He's not the same person anymore. He's grown up. As for your father, he did the same thing. He came to see that Severus didn't deserve to be treated that way, even if he was a very solitary child and young man."
Harry looks at her with a pleading look in his eyes and she realises he needs more. He's calmed down upon hearing the words she just spoke, but it isn't enough to take away all of his unease at what he saw.
"Harry, you've made your fair share of mistakes so far, right? You've misjudged people, have said things you didn't mean when you were angry. So have your friend. Think about what happened in your fourth year, the argument you had with mister Weasley even though it really wasn't necessary. Does that make mister Weasley or you a bad person? Does it make miss Granger a bad person for having taken Victor Krum to the Yule ball? I know it's not the same as cursing someone, but answer the question anyway," she adds when Harry opens his mouth to protest.
She watches as Harry closes his mouth and his brow furrows as he does as she's asked. She waits patiently for him to gather his thoughts, to find the right words to formulate the answer she's requested. Finally, he speaks.
"No, it doesn't make any of us a bad person. It's like you said, we were angry and made stupid mistakes. But what does that have to do with my dad, Remus and Sirius?" he asks her. It's unnecessary, of course, as his expression has already shown her he doesn't entirely comprehend.
"Sirius made a mistake in letting someone else become the victim of his way of letting go of the resentment and anger he felt for his family. James wanted to keep Sirius happy, happier than he ever was at home, and he made the mistake of letting Sirius dictate the way. Remus made a mistake in not struggling harder to keep them from cursing or jinxing Severus whenever they had the chance," she explains.
They sit in silence for a few minutes as Harry contemplates what she's just said. Minerva can see the tension drain from his muscles and she's grateful Harry's letting her in this far already. She's only been with Sirius a little over three months and she thinks it's a minor miracle to be so accepted by Harry already.
"Thanks, Minerva. I really needed to hear that. I tried to apologise to professor Snape, but he wouldn't let me. Do you think you could asks him to talk to me? I want to tell him I made a mistake, that it won't happen again and that I'm sorry for what my dad and his friends put him through. Not that he'll like hearing it, but…" Harry trails off, his teeth catching his bottom lip once more.
"Indeed I don't think Severus will want to hear it. But maybe he needs to hear it as much as you needed to hear your father didn't truly have an evil heart," she says, knowing she's right in saying that. Severus has kept too much inside for too long. Not even her myriad of conversation with Albus concerning that have altered it, but maybe this young man holds the power to make Severus let go of the past. Or at least partially.
Harry smiles at her words, perhaps because he likes the thought of undoing a wrong that was done by his father; the young man has an exceptional heart, big and so full of love and friendship that Minerva sometimes has a hard time understanding where it all comes from. She sincerely hopes to figure it out one day.
"You alluded to the fact there are two reasons for your coming here, Harry. Care to tell me about that second reason now?" she finally inquires, as Harry doesn't make to say anything else.
"Yeah, actually. But before I do, I need you to know I'm about to asks you something very personal. You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but I'd like to warn you beforehand. I know how annoying or uncomfortable it can be to be asked questions like that," Harry says.
Minerva 's not sure what she should do. The easiest thing to do would be to tell Harry that if the question is of such a personal nature he has no business asking it. Harry wouldn't be too happy about that, but he'd get over it in the end. On the other hand, he just shared something rather personal as well. He also said she won't have to answer should she choose not to. And maybe the question won't be half as personal as he fears. After all, he's still a teenager.
"Ask the question. I can't say whether I'll answer it, but I will if I see no reason not to," she settles for saying. That way she's protected if she decided to not answer, and Harry will be prepared for that as well.
"Well… I know Sirius and you had a falling out of sorts. I pieced that together because one of the memories professor Snape placed in the Pensieve was about that and because Remus and Sirius both alluded to it in the letters they wrote. But… Sirius wrote something odd. He wrote he'd hoped he'd be able to say something that he found he couldn't and that you hadn't said it either. Minerva, did he mean you two haven't said you love each other yet?" Harry asks her.
Minerva blinks owlishly a few times, feeling a little unnerved when she focuses again and finds Harry's eyes piercing her own. She hadn't known until now that Sirius has picked up on that as well. Maybe it's time to address that particular topic, as it seems it might cause some trouble if they don't.
"Yes, that's exactly what it means. It doesn't mean we don't love each other, just that neither one of us has so far spoken those three little words. But please don't ask me why," she demands of Harry. Admitting it is hard, but also a relief. She's been wondering for days about the reasons on Sirius's part and trying to find the words to talk to Sirius about her own.
Harry reaches over and she closes her eyes briefly at the contact. It's been a week and a half since she's seen Sirius and she misses him, misses his warm arms around her that tell her everything is going to be fine. Those arms would always feel like home to her, no matter how often they argued or disagreed. Harry touches her with another type of certainty now, but it still makes her feel more at ease.
"I won't. But please talk to Sirius. I've seen you've been a little preoccupied lately, and now that I know about this I think it might have something to do with that. And I'm guessing Sirius would like to have a talk too," Harry says.
"I will talk to him, sooner rather than later. And when I've done that, I'll talk to you to. You're family and perhaps you should know the story I'll no doubt end up telling your godfather as well," she says.
After that, the young man leaves without saying another word. He only acknowledges e's heard her by bowing his head lightly. His departure is so sudden Minerva doesn't even register he's leaving until he's actually gone. That probably also has to do with the fact Harry seems convinced Sirius is ready to talk, something she isn't entirely convinced of.
But that doesn't stop her from rising about ten minutes later. She grabs the wooden box with Floo powder and throws some into the flames. She's gotten her courage together and she isn't sure whether she'll be able to do that again sometime soon, and Sirius and she really do need to speak. A visit to Grimmauld Place therefore doesn't sound like a bad idea at all.
Before she can lose her nerve, she steps into the flames and tells them where she needs to go. Immediately, she twirls around and is reminded of the fact she does not like traveling this way. But it's better than Apparating, which she would have had to leave the school to do as is.
When she steps out of the hearth in the kitchen at Grimmauld Place, she finds herself enveloped in a pair of strong yet gentle arms before she even hears the person holding her move. But the embrace as well as the smell accompanying it is so familiar that she simply smiles as she turns around.
"I wasn't expecting to see you tonight. Has something happened? Because that smile on your face can't hide something's bothering you," Sirius says as soon as she's facing him.
Minerva takes his hand and leads him over to a kitchen chair, pulling one up for herself so they can look at each other. Sirius quirks an eyebrow at her strange behaviour, but otherwise stays silent.
"I spoke to Harry just now and I think we need to talk. About neither one of us having said I love you yet," she says as soon as she's seated, forgoing all niceties to move things along. That's simply the kind of woman she is.
Sirius looks a little surprised but his expression quickly changes to sheepish. He cards his fingers through his hair in what is apparently a practiced move in times of uncertainty. She reaches out and takes his free hand in hers. It seems to calm him somewhat, as his other hand falls back into his lap.
"If you want me to, I can start by telling you why I find it so difficult to say I love you to anyone," she suggests. Her heart hammers in her chest as she speaks, because no matter how courageous she is, it's still difficult to talk about that part of her past. She can only hope not to fall silent once she starts, because she's certain she won't be able to start a second time.
Sirius, however, shakes his head. The steely determination in his eyes takes her breath away for a second. Then, she remembers his reasons for not easily speaking those words are probably no less gory than her own. His past holds blood and terror too, different than hers but no less real.
"I remember my friends not understanding why I didn't like going home at the end of the school year. They said they'd missed their parents, even as they grew older. They said they loved them and wanted to see them again. It wasn't until I finally admitted at the end of my second year that my parents beat me up constantly that that changed. You know exactly what they did; Poppy told you about the bruises and other injuries at the beginning at the beginning of every year. You also know they didn't feed me properly and liked to verbally abuse me as well. Anyways, what my friends didn't realise until they were much older was how much the pain had changed me," Sirius admits.
Minerva squeezes his fingers perhaps a little harder than is warranted, but she doesn't realise it straight away. When she does, her grip slackens and she threads her fingers through his properly. She takes his second hand and does the same to it, wanting to be as close as possible. She wants to sit on his lap and hold him close but she wants to look him in the eye as they both share their story too, so she stays where she is.
"I realised I'd never loved them and that I never would. I also realised I didn't know what love was. I didn't until you came along, you who didn't judge me. I couldn't say it, though, as it reminded me too much of the talks I had with an eleven-year-old James, Remus and Peter. But I can now, because I know you won't leave me, not even if this relationship ends one day. I love you," he smiles broadly as he finishes his story.
In his eyes she can see the pain telling the story has invoked in him mingled with the happiness at being able to say those words. She wants to commit that look to memory, as it's one of the most beautiful ones she's ever seen on him in all the time she's known him as both boy and man.
"I was fourteen when I became convinced that saying I love you brought only hurt. On the Hogwarts Express I was joking with my friends, laughing and teasing Pomona with her new boyfriend. We made promises to write to each other, arrange a meeting during the holidays. The sun was hot and clear, there wasn't a cloud in the sky," she says, remembering it as if it happened only yesterday.
And in some ways it did, because the haunting dreams still haven't let her go completely. Now, however, they aren't only nightmares. Sometimes the dreams can be quite comforting these days, a sign she will never forget any of it. And it's important that she doesn't, for it would be dishonourable to do that.
"My father and brothers weren't at the station to pick me up yet. I thought they were late because of their jobs; Malcolm and Robert worked as Aurors and my father was a Healer. It had happened before that none of them made it there on time. Usually they were only about ten to twenty minutes late. This time, things didn't go that way," she continues in a small voice.
Now that she's started the story it's oddly easy to keep talking, easier than to stop in fact. That doesn't mean she doesn't need to steady her nerves ass he speaks; besides Pomona and Albus no one has heard the story and she keenly feels how hard it is to find adequate words after so many years of keeping it to herself.
"After two hours I left the station on my own and went to the Leaky Cauldron. It was the only place I knew, coming for Scotland. When I got there, I asked the bartender permission to Floo one of my brothers at the Ministry of Magic. When I stepped through to Malcolm's office, I found it empty, so I stepped out. I managed to find Edward, his boss," she goes on.
Sirius listens quietly, and she feels his thumb begin to trace patterns on her skin. The change of touch makes her focus on him instead of herself for a moment and it is exactly what she needs.
"Edward went pale the moment I said my brothers and father hadn't been there. He left me for ten minutes to speak to some others and then came back. He said he was going to my home with to other Aurors; he was convinced something had happened and he needed to find out what. I begged him to take me. He relented when I said he would have to tell me anyway," she says.
Sirius pulls her closer, chair and all, so that their knees are now touching. For some reason he seems to be almost as affected by her story as she is herself. Probably because he's spent time in Azkaban and has known pain and suffering both firsthand and secondhand.
"When we arrived at McGonagall Estate the Dark Mark was hanging in the sky. I stayed outside with one of the Aurors, Adelinde was her name. Edward and the other man, Ruben, went in. Malcolm, Robert and my father were dead. I was asked to identify them, as they'd all suffered. They'd been tortured, cut, burnt, their limbs bent in unnatural orders. I recognised Malcolm because he was the tallest; his face couldn't be recognised anymore," she whispers.
Her breathing is irregular and uneven, but she isn't hyperventilating. And she knows she won't begin too either; her body is no longer that susceptible to it, not like it was in the first few months after her family's death. She had panic attacks back then, and Albus was the one the help her deal with them while at school and at home. She hadn't wanted to leave her home even after what had happened and under his guardianship she had been allowed to stay in it.
"Robert and dad were the same height and it was hard to find which was which. But I managed. Robert had blue eyes and dad had green eyes. Their faces were less harmed but still enough to leave anything but the eyes very recognisable. When I stepped outside I vowed I wouldn't say I love you anymore because it hurts too much when the ones you say it to leave. Until I realised what I felt for you was love and that you wouldn't leave me if you had a choice. I love you, Sirius," she finished her story.
Now, she gets up and slides into Sirius's lap. They both need the comfort being close to each other brings and by settling herself just so she can still look at him. When she sees the pride, love and care in his eyes, she presses her lips to his for a second, conveying that she feels the same. Deep down she knows her eyes mirror his feelings, but she want to give him ample proof. He still doesn't think he's really a good man, after all.
"I can't believe I never knew that. I mean, I know your family's passed away, but I didn't know you were there when they were found and that you had to identify them. That's horrible," Sirius tells her when they break apart. His hand comes up to rest against her cheek and she nuzzles into the touch eagerly.
"No more horrible than you having to endure being beaten, cut, verbally abused and having to watch your brother being indoctrinated by your parents. Your parents killed a part of you by doing it and they killed your brother in doing what they did to him. You lost your family to, only you didn't have a body to bury. I did. I got my closure," she says and she means every word of it.
Because she doesn't doubt Sirius's pain was as difficult to deal with as hers was. And that his friends were the reason he got through it, as hers were for her. But they aren't here to compare pain and see who has suffered more. They're sharing their stories because they love each other and because they want to.
Sirius tightens his hold on her and kisses her once more, making her eyes flutter close. She'll never get enough of his kisses or hugs, of his warms presence. When she was younger, that thought would have scared her but now it just feels right. She's stronger and wiser now, something she needed to become in order to be at peace with everything that happened to her.
"Can you spend the night? I want to hold you just a little longer," Sirius whispers, causing her to burrow a little deeper into him. She sneaks one of her arms around him too, to hold on to him tighter than before.
Albus expects her to be at Hogwarts since she isn't working for the Order today, but other than that there is no reason she can't stay if she chooses to. And her old friend would surely understand if she were to send him a message saying she's here for the night. He would probably have a very good idea why she's there; he is very intelligent after all.
"Yes," she says and stands. Pulling Sirius of his chair, she guides the both of them into the hallway and onto the stairs. Silently, they tiptoe upstairs. They don't want to awaken the portrait of Sirius's mother despite no one else being there to hear her scream.
When Sirius makes to lead her to her rooms, she bites her bottom lip. After doubting her own sanity for a few seconds, she leads him to his own bedroom. A smile lights up his face and he squeezes her hand. He doesn't asks her whether she's sure, and she's absolutely grateful for that. Perhaps she's told him enough times by now she doesn't do anything she isn't sure of to make it penetrate his sometimes thick scull.
Once inside, Sirius moves over to the closet. He extracts a pair of pyjamas and tosses them over to her before crossing the room and setting about pulling on his own. Minerva transfigures the pants but stops when she's about to transfigure the shirt. She has an idea she thinks might please the both of them.
"Can I have that shirt in the morning? We don't get to see each other nearly enough and I'd like to have a physical reminder of you. You can wear this instead. It'll smell like me," she says, feeling a blush rising in her cheeks.
"I'd like that very much," Sirius tells her, smiling and making her blush disappear. Somehow, she still felt like a teenager doing this for the first time despite her age. But Sirius never fails to dispel those fears.
They slide into bed then, Sirius ending up spooned behind her. She places her hand over the one he rests on her stomach. She feels sleepy now, and safe and sound. And proud, in love and grateful. And such a host of other things she can't even name. but it's all good and she wouldn't have it any other way.
A week later, Harry stops by her rooms at Hogwarts while the rest of the students visit Hogsmeade village. And she keeps her promise, telling him what she told Sirius that evening.
When Harry leaves, he hugs her and tells her he's glad she trusts him enough to share that story with him. Minerva can't help but wonder whether the young man is truly blind to the fact he's trusting her much more than she is trusting him, but she doesn't comment on it and simply watches him leave.
Maybe one day she'll figure it out. For now, there's more pressing matters to deal with. Like Dolores Jane Umbridge and Cornelius Fudge.