Nalla was sleeping soundly in the nursery. Thank the Scribe Virgin for small blessings. Nalla had gotten in the habit of sleeping quietly from the time Bella put her down just before dawn until almost sunset now. Zsadist would be home soon, but she had a few moments for herself. She wanted to write again…she had wanted to for a long time, but the chance hadn't presented itself, until now…but the inspiration wasn't there. Instead Bella went to her closet, reaching for her journal which rested just out of sight on the top shelf. She went to her mated bed, propped up the pillows, and curled up with her innermost thoughts. It seemed like she hadn't seen the journal in a lifetime, but she opened to a random page, reading about…what she read threw her into a different world…a world that was so far past but still close enough to feel vividly.

Ruined-Not Broken, Ruined-Not Broken. Phury's words haunted her thoughts, but she couldn't get the picture of the scarred warrior out of her head.

Bella sprawled out on her bed and closed her eyes, taking in a breath of sweet air, enjoying the simple pleasure. Her hand went idly to her necklace as she tried her best to think of nothing. Diamonds By the Yard, they didn't really come by the yard technically speaking. The cool weight against her skin was a soothing contrast to the inferno in her core. Bella squeezed her eyes tighter trying harder to focus on nothing, but nothing escaped her grasp. Nothing clearly wasn't a logical option, maybe something trivial, maybe…just maybe…

Diamonds made Bella happy. Beauty in general made her happy. Diamonds were beautiful; he wasn't. Bella consciously avoided saying his name in her mind. His image was torture enough to her troubled soul. She desired him enough without saying his name. But just the idea of his name in her mind, the probability that it might pass her lips in a private whisper…

The familiar ring tone rescued her from her madness. Bella rarely welcomed her brother Rehv's little "check in" calls at bedtime. She had enough of his control and protection for a lifetime, but in this moment, she was grateful. She normally allowed the song to play until the last second possible to make Rehv wait, if not just to enjoy the burst of music. This was her way of asserting control over her independent life, and her recent life (that is, before her interactions with the brothers) had been sweetened by these small rebellious victories. Tonight there was no rebellion in her heart. She answered before the first beat of the song was through.

"Hello." Bella realized she had given away her state of being with one simple word. Her voice was filled with tremors. Rehv had always been able to read her so easily, but this time she served herself and her emotions to him on a silver platter.

"Bella, is everything…?" Her brother questioned suspiciously, but he didn't even have the opportunity to complete his thought before his suspicions were confirmed.

"No, I mean I'm fine, all good," she quickly cut him off.

"You sure?"

"Umm hmmm." Bella realized it was probably best to keep her answers to un-incriminating sounds. No reason to dig the hole any deeper.

"So you've turned in for the day?" Rehv wasn't usually so liberal or long winded with the niceties. There was something else, and Bella had enough on her mind which was in no shape to deal with an inquisition by her brother.

"Absolutely. Sleep well brother," Bella attempted to put an end to the conversation, and the brief moment of silence across the line gave her hope that there was no more. All that was left was for Rehv to wish her a good day.

"Hey Bella?" Rehv's voice took on the tone of concern.

"Yeah?"

"I've heard some things. Some people say, well they say you have been socializing with the Brotherhood." At least he was unassuming about the rumored situation.

Bella was silent just a moment, but in that moment her mind was a battlefield of past, present, and future. Inevitably, her one distraction, Rehv, had reinserted the image of the ruined warrior in her active thoughts. Once again, she had fallen victim to public rumor focused on her personal life which had a track record of putting her in the center of scandal, even though nothing she had ever actually done had been that worthy of scandal. Her thoughts careened into the present. If she could have changed the past, she would have lived her life and given them all something to talk about. She would have let the scarred warrior ruin her instead. What had Rehv heard? Her gut wrenched as she weighed the possibility that Rehv might revoke her liberties and put her under sehclusion. Then she would never see him again.

"There's nothing to hear," Bella replied. "I cam across a young pretrans marked as a warrior. I did my duty to our society, that's all."

"I've heard more than that," Rehv insisted gently.

"I've been to the compound several times in a social capacity. My friend Mary has become close to one of the Brothers." Bella divulged more than she should have. "And you?" He questioned. "Have you become 'close' to any of the Brothers?"

"No." Bella told the truth and lied in a vastly complex manner using the most simple two letter word.

"Very well. We will speak more on this later." Rehv seemed to be satisfied with her seemingly simple answer, for the moment. "Sleep well Bella."

"And you." For a brief moment, peace fell over Bella. Just as she was about to end the call, Rehv spoke again.

"Be careful Bella. The Brothers, they aren't like us." Rehv hung up before she had the chance to reply.

Bella wanted to curse, but there was no point. No one was listening. She tried to unravel her thoughts, piece together the puzzle. This had to be an infatuation. She needed to stretch her wings and be wild, but it wasn't. It didn't even feel like pure lust. But she repulsed him, he hated her. She had never physically disgusted any male before. They always told her she was beautiful.

Suddenly Bella was drawn back to something Rhage had said. "And just so you know, the Brotherhood is going to do drive bys on your house. Even after she leaves."

But why?

Bella pulled her journal closer and opened to a fresh white page free of blemish. For the hundredth time she wrote his name in flowing script.

Zsadist.

Finally, she allowed the name to pass her lips. A whisper, as soft as a kiss.

"Zsadist".

She let the journal fall from her hands onto the bed beside her. Life then had been…well, she thought it had been complicated, unfair, cruel…shortly after that she had learned what true injustice, real pain, and complete suffering were. It had been a time of awakening. Her abduction, her torture at the hands of David, had brought her into a world that she never thought existed. While it had brought her to Zsadist…well, that had brought pain as well…pain of a different nature. Needless to say, Bella had lived a sheltered life before her abduction, and even though she had transitioned over five years before, she hadn't been forced to grow up until very recently.

Bella felt tears wet her cheeks unsolicited, and then her chest was wracked with sobs. She hadn't always been a crier…but she was still affected by the post partum depression. Jane assured her it was normal, but it didn't feel normal. Why the tears? Everything was, well…perfect. Zsadist had come back to them; they were a family. He loved her. It had been such a long road to where they were. Between the time she conceived Nalla and the present, she and Zsadist had spent almost as much time apart, both physically and emotionally, as they had as a pair. Their mating had been rushed, and with Nalla on the way, her officially moving into the compound, she and Zsadist adjusting to each other as mates-they had never really had the sweetness of a honeymoon period. They were like two children thrown into the big wide world of shared responsibility, and while there had been moments of sweetness she would never forget…they still had much to learn about each other.

One thing she knew-everything Zsadist did concerning their relationship he did with her best interest at heart, even if she hadn't always understood his reasoning. From the very first time he rejected her, to the prostitute he fed from in the alley, and the distance he put between himself and his new family after Nalla was born, it was all what he thought was best for her and their young. He always sacrificed himself…

And this didn't help…it made the tears fall more freely. Bella thought about how far Zsadist had come for her. His life revolved around every breath she took, around her…as a mate, despite the pain of the past…he was…

More tears…

And as a lover…

Even more tears…

Beneath him, in their mated bed, she now felt like a novice in his hands, like a newling. He knew her body as if it were his own. And it was, she totally belonged to him. But did she do enough for Zsadist? Was she the Shellan he deserved in every way possible? This thought threw Bella into action. She quickly brushed away the tears from her cheeks and threw off the long t-shirt she was wearing. There was still enough time before he got home.

She found herself in front of their bathroom mirror, naked, assessing herself. She twisted her hair and clipped it up so she could examine her body-a quick inspection to make sure she was worthy of her mate. She was much the same as she had been before Nalla had come along-her breasts were heavier and her hips fuller and more rounded-all of which Zsadist assured her he loved, but her stomach was now taught again, a small victory against nature. Well, either way, she couldn't do anything more now. But she could-yes, that was it-

Back in their bed chamber, Bella rummaged through one of her drawers until she produced the gift box she had been searching for. Mary had given her the gift shortly after the mating ceremony for she and Zsadist had taken place. She cited some human tradition of a bridal shower-which she had informed Bella usually took place before the "wedding". It had been a lovely gift, though she had never shared it with her mate. She pushed the tissue paper aside, and pulled it from the box. Would he like it? Their love had previously been driven by extreme lust and urgency-she had never actually tried before-what if he hated it?

When Bella stood before the mirror again, she donned a silky cream colored confection that looked like something Marrisa would have worn. The semi transparent material kissed her soft skin, sparkling here and there with a scattering of small rhinestones. She pulled the clip from her hair, allowing it to fall free and skim across the small of her back. She turned from side to side, examining herself again, not entirely disgusted with what she saw. This was it…this was all she had to offer.

All of the other shellans were no doubt waiting eagerly for their mates to return from their nightly duties, but anticipation was the least of her worries; she was actually nervous sitting on the end of their bed waiting for Zsadist. She fidgeted and twisted her long locks around her fingers waiting and waiting and waiting. Why was she so nervous? He was her lover, her companion, her mate…he was her everything, but their love was always so passionate, so spur of the moment, so intense…there was never any time to think…contemplate…plan…ponder… She had to give him what he deserved… everything.

She heard the minute they arrived at the mansion. The males had returned home…as always, they were noisy, and their boisterous conversation dominated by Rhage's unheard sarcastic comments assured that everyone had returned in one piece. They had not stopped in the infirmary, they were seemingly in good spirits…all was well. She let out a deep sigh of relief. Bella, like the other females of the Brotherhood waited each night for the return of their loved…for better or for worse…hoping that he would return to shelter her in the strength of his embrace. They had all been so lucky.

The sound of heavy footsteps was upon the grand stair. Males the size of the Brothers did not go unnoticed on the marble, especially when there was more than one of them-and they were all seemingly eager to get back to their females, to shower, and then descend upon the dining hall for last meal. Bella's heart began to pound harder and harder as she knew Zsadist would be mounting the top of the flight. Only one turn and a few footfalls down the hall of statues separated them. For a split second, Bella considered stripping off the gown and throwing her oversized t-shirt back on. She turned to retreat, but the door to their chamber opened, and Bella spun to face her hellren.

He stood in the doorway, resembling a predator as always, and she his startled prey. Zsadist was often unreadable. She knew from her short experience with him that he was never displeased with her, but tonight…his black eyes had shifted quickly to their stunning golden shade, now enhanced with an additional sparkle. Zsadist's customary stone mask, the one he wore even when he was happy, broke and his lips turned up in the slightest smile. Even his scar had become endearing to her, and his smile was bright too even through its distortion.

He looked hungry, not for the last meal, or even her blood, his hunger ran deeper, a more primal urge that could only be sated with her body. He began to approach her, not in an intimidating manner…well, Zsadist was always intimidating, but now that was clearly not his intention. Just a few steps away, and he was halted by her soft voice.

"No…"

He was not surprised. The Brothers in general had never been accustomed to that particular word, or at least they had never acquiesced to its usage…until their shellens had come into the picture. He only cocked his head a bit, assessing the situation, clearly waiting for a directive from his female. The soft smile had fallen away, replaced by an expression of mischievous interest.

Bella gathered her courage and approached her warrior. When she was almost upon him, she reached her hand behind his muscled neck pulling him down to meet her lips. She could feel that her mate wanted to devour her, but as she was aggressing the situation, he allowed her to set the pace. Bella allowed her heels to touch the floor again and put her hands to Zsadist's muscled shoulders, pushing the leather from his form until it fell to the floor. The clank of the jacket was audible as the weapons cache concealed in the pockets was given away. She stepped further away, looking over her ferocious male, how his wife-beater clung to his massive frame, the daggers of the Brotherhood crossing his chest, and his low slug leathers that met neatly with his shitkickers. She let a small smile break her seductive mask as she took in his boots; something elaborate Zsadist would have never purchase for himself. She had come across the New Rock steel toed shitkickers during a recent online shopping spree. Although they were decorative, the metal studs added more intimidation to his persona, if that was possible. She wasn't really sure if he liked them or not, or if he just wore them because they were a gift from her.

Zsadist was having trouble keeping cool. His instincts told him he needed to get Bella on the bed under him in five seconds flat, but he wanted to give something more-something she deserved. She was stunning standing before him, commanding him without even saying a word. She was draped in cream colored silk which left little to the imagination…it was fine and light and pure, just like she was. Her smooth curves where clearly accentuated by the cloth, which made him even harder. Though she was obviously self conscious about her changing body since her pregnancy, she was beautiful beyond words to him. Whether it was the fact he was a bonded male with a female that had born his young that caused his extreme attraction to her or perhaps the fact her body was made to carry such curves that the glymera frowned upon, he could not say nor did it matter. There would never be anyone more enchanting, sensual, or beloved than Bella in his eyes.

She stood before him much like a child but very much a fully transitioned female. He watched her, and he could feel the amused expression spread across his face. She was clearly contemplating her next move, and he could no longer resist himself. He reached out and grabbed his female by the waist, pulling her roughly against his aching body. She allowed herself to fall into his arms, as if she was helpless and fragile. Though that may be true in reality, Bella had proved in the past to him that she did not shy away from danger when it meant saving someone she loved. Although he didn't approve of all of her actions in the past, it made his love for her and his instinct to protect and shelter her from all evil even stronger.

Zsadist leaned down, taking in a breath of Bella's soft hair. He knew that he was not worthy of such a fine female…why in the hell would she have chosen someone like…well…like him? He stopped himself from thinking such thoughts in fear that he would wake up cold and alone and this beautiful life would all be a delusion. He gently forced Bella's chin up, kissing her lips softly despite his warrior's appetite for her body. He kept his keen eyes on her, watching every small muscle in her face, looking for any sign of displeasure until her eyelids opened and they were both watching one another. That was something that made her even more endearing to him. Despite his ugliness and scars and her beauty and worth, she never shied from looking at him, at the dining table in front of his brothers, the rare occasions when they were with her family, when they were out together, when they kissed, and when he made love to her. She always watched him…she always loved him.

Bella's breathing quickened as they gazed at one another. He had no talent for romantic situations, but oddly enough, when he was with Bella, he felt like a good lover, or at least this was what she allowed him to be. Bella was a smart female, but he liked to believe deep inside that she could not fake the noises of pleasure she shared with him when they he made love to her in their mated bed. Perhaps this was one area in her privileged life where she had been lacking. When he took her, he always felt like the experienced one, the one who had to take control of the situation, as it should be between a male and a female. Far different from his tortured past.

Bella stepped slightly away from his body, leaving him aching for her return. He took her upper arms in his warrior's hands, careful not to hurt her, but pressuring her enough to let her know that he wanted her body against his again. She watched him for a moment, resisting, and biting her lower lip softly as she did when she was contemplating something.

"Please," Bella spoke just above a whisper.

She was torn. She wanted so badly to allow her mate to pull her close and take her to bed, but she also wanted to spoil him.

"Please what my Nalla? What do you wish me to do for you?"

"Not for me, allow me to do for you…" Her voice trailed off as if she were a small child.

Zsadist sucked in a quick breath at her proposal. She reached out a hand and softly laid it against his cheek, trailing her cool fingers down the line of his jaw. He loved how her fingers did not linger over, nor even notice the scar that destroyed any beauty he may once have possessed. He was rough, he was brutal, he was deadly, but to Bella, in her eyes, he saw himself as something more...