The graveyard that he was allegedly buried in was rather small and private the graves stood still as the wind blew lightly against them. Sherlock's marker was alone; it had no others around it except for a giant white oak tree that was behind it to the left. The tree's canopy shadowed the grave that stood alone in the grass. The man who was supposed to be buried was standing behind the tree waiting. Sherlock knew John came to his grave at least three times a week, every week, for the last few months. And every time he was there, Sherlock made sure he was too; it was the least he could do after leaving John, the hardest most painful thing that he had ever done. Left his blogger to a pit of self misery and loathing. It broke his heart every time he heard John talk to his grave, and as John silently cried, he did too. With his back pressed against the hard tree he took slow breathe to calm himself, today was the day they would hopefully be reunited as they always should be, together at last.
John walked over to the secluded gravestone that sat near the edge of the forest. "Hey it's me again. I saw Molly today. We talked a lot about you. She told me Lestrade's not doing so well on his cases without you." He smirks. "But I'm sure Donovan and Anderson don't miss you...but I do. I...I..." he walks over the gravestone, touches it with his hand, and then buries his head in his hands. He is crying. "I miss you so much. You know I've even thought about doing it. I would do it so I could join you on the other side. So that you wouldn't have to lie alone." He points to an empty patch of grass. "I have my spot picked out. Right there. I would be right there next to you." He whispers softly, but audibly enough so Sherlock could hear him. "I love you."
Sherlock held back a choked sob; John was far worse then he thought. That was the first time he had said that...he wanted to join him. Sherlock leaned heavily on the tree trying not to just run out and hold him. However, that was impossible since John's profession of love and almost suicide has left him still and numb.
John continued sadly. "I just thought you should know. I don't know when I'm going to do it. I'm just so confused...why...why did you have to do it? If only you could see me now..."
Sherlock wanted to scream to John that he was here, not even ten feet away from him. He wanted to run to him tell him he missed him that he needs him. That he's so sorry. That he loves him that he is his best friend. He silently moves to the other side of the tree peering around it to see John breaking down once again but this time worse. His breathing picks up heart hamming along with his nerves.
"I'm lost without my consulting detective. I have nothing and no one to live for anymore." He tries to choke back the tears, but fails as they continue to stream down his face onto the gravestone. He places a beautiful bouquet of flowers in front of the gravestone. He stands and partially collects himself. "Just a token that you will thank me for soon. This will probably be the last time we meet like this. I'm coming for you. Nothing will stop me now." He wipes away another tear that fell and turns to leave. "I will see you soon, my love."
Sherlock watched John walk slowly away, leaving him. He wants to wait, he is not ready for this yet, but he knows if he doesn't go after John now, he will never see him again. With all his courage he stealthfully walks behind him, his palms sweating, his throat dry and his lips cracking. Once he is behind John five feet or so, he stops and takes a quite deep breath. The wind stands still no longer blowing Sherlock's heartbeat ceases as well his blood pounding in his ears. He is finally able to swallow and after wards parts his cupid lips to call out for John. His John. He hesitates; he could just walk away and John would never know, but that would be wrong. Leaving John was enough wrong for a lifetime. His voice sounds inhuman to him as if it is not his own as he softly says "John."
I recognize that voice, John thought. He turned around slowly. "Who is tha...oh my GOD!" He started sobbing where he was standing. He ran to Sherlock, jumped up, and wrapped his arms around his neck in embrace. "Am I seeing things again? Don't tell me you're some stranger. Oh god I am doing it again!"
Sherlock almost fell back onto the ground with John's force, but he stood strong for him and held him up so that he wouldn't touch the ground. Sherlock held him close savoring this moment of holding John in his arms. The warmth that flooded though him pulled at his chest with such force that he was breathless with emotion. He hadn't cried the way John had yet, but he knew he was going too soon and he was glad that John would be with him. A silent foreshadowing tear slid down his cheek as he croaked out the words, "I'm real." His throat protested, but his heart was screaming it. "I am here for you John," he said, encasing the hysterically sobbing John in his trench coat.
"Oh...god! I thought I would never see you again. I was planning on killing myself. Do you see what a wreck I am?"
Sherlock set him on the ground gently, but still held him close not ever wanting to be apart from him again. His eyes were teary and wet making them glisten in the sunlight and his eyelashes thick and heavy. "I-I am so sorry John," he choked out hoarsely.
John squeezed him harder. "I know. But why? You know that I am terribly sentimental. Didn't you figure I would be like this?"
Sherlock looked down into his face that close up broke his remaining shattered one. John's face was etched with pain and sorrow, the fine lines of despondency visible. Dark circles under his beautiful John's eyes making him look morbid. "No, I-I didn't plan that you would be this upset. I did not think I was that important to you at the time," he answered remorsefully.
"You couldn't deduce that I was in love with you? I thought you would have figured it out by then. I guess I wasn't being outward enough about it."
Sherlock hung his head; he was such a terrible person to do this to kind caring John. He wasn't worthy of John's affections he never would be. He broke his best friend the man who loved him somehow or other. Sherlock pulled back out of the embrace and turned to face the oak tree again, looking off over the hill. The clouds were swirling together in the red sunset. He felt his throat closing suddenly making it difficult to breathe. He was shivering violently as his break down was about to hit him with full force. He was angry that he was having one he did not deserve to cry like John had. Not after what he did to the other the one he irrationally loved. At that his eyes began to tear up making the red sky into pink as the clouds and sun mixed together. The tears flowed evenly down his face hitting the ground with soft thumps of sorrow and pain. He couldn't move or breathe causing him to take deep uneven ragged breathes of the cool crisp air. Soft cries aroused from his throat as he thought of John over the past months and all the pain he put him through. John, how could he do this to sweet innocent John? He whimpered the said man's name out in anguish as he trembled and swayed from his frozen place.
"Sherlock..." John wrapped his arms around the tall, thin man whom he deeply loved, hoping to calm him. "I am not that mad. I'm sure that what you did had good intention. Please stop crying. My detective does not cry."
The soft gentle touch was more than enough to set him off. He didn't deserve comfort from anyone let alone John. He didn't want to lean on John for support; he was never there for John's breakdowns so John shouldn't be there for his. However, his body was going to fall to the ground if as he put nearly all his weight on John. He was in hysterics now, mumbling apologies and random nonsense things now. His brain had completely shut off only going in turmoil off all the pain he put John though all the things John had said at the grave replaying in his mind vividly.
"Shhh..." John was being as sincere and kind as he possibly could. "I'm just happy to see you alive, love." He put a hand on Sherlock's cheek and with his thumb wiped away some warm tears off of Sherlock's face. "I'm happy we can see each other again. That I can go to sleep and know that you'll be there in the morning when I wake up." John looked nervously into Sherlock's eyes, and makes the decision to advance. With lips slightly parted, he draws Sherlock into a slow kiss.
Sherlock's heart stopped when John kissed him. It filled his heart with unknown warmth and joy, his sprits lifting. Wait. No. John can't kiss him; he doesn't deserve to feel loved and happiness after ruining John to the very lowest of his life. Sherlock knew that he broke John like none other, and that only made him feel worse. Guilt and self loathing filled his veins traveling with a rush of blood to his head. Sherlock pulled back from the kiss not too rough as he didn't want to hurt John further. Sherlock's breathing hadn't calmed down at all, if anything it looked like he was running a marathon that he had never trained for. A wave of anger at himself flashed though him; he shouldn't have let John do that! John needs to love someone that won't break and hurt him! John is good and Sherlock never wants to make him go through Hell and back again.
"Sherlock? What's wrong?" John asks, suspecting something is definitely up. He could tell by the way Sherlock looked. He wasn't surprised or calmed by the kiss, but rather angered.
Sherlock swallowed thickly he couldn't just tell John the truth, that he was in love with him and should never feel the content that only John gives him. He also couldn't tell John that he didn't like him that way or that he should leave because those would be destructive for the both of them. So instead he did what he knew best, put up a guise of normalcy. "Nothing is wrong John." He said simply, not looking into John's gorgeously ocean blue eyes.
John was still suspicious though. "Are you sure? It doesn't seem like you're telling me the truth." He doubted that maybe he ever trusted Sherlock. After all, he did just decide to fake his own death one day. The memory of that day is still replaying in John's head. The moment before the fall when Sherlock said two simple words; 'Goodbye, John' and then fell to his death, or so he thought.
Sherlock noticed his friend was thinking about that dreadful day where they parted for those long coming months. He moved a step closer to the other and pulled him close, he only did it for John's comfort he said over and over this is not for you this is for John. "Yes I am sure, what about you?" Sherlock asked.
"I'll be fine," John replied curtly. He still could sense that something was wrong, but did not bother to venture any further. He could tell that there was almost no emotion in the embrace that Sherlock had just given him. Why was that? He decided to try and forget about it. "Shall we head home?"
"That would be nice, I've missed it." he said softly and pulled away, his front left cold in the spot that John had previously filled. He wanted John to hold him again as he was warm and pleasant. No! No you can't think that Sherlock! No you are a greedy monster that is self centered and selfish you don't deserve him, fuck, his mind screamed at him.
When they reached the cemetery entrance, John hailed a cab. He told the cabbie to take then to Baker Street. When they arrived, John went into the kitchen and started brewing some tea. Sherlock took in the flat as it was, just the way they left it. The furniture untouched it even smelled the same of Home. However it was clearly obvious that it hadn't been dusted or touched as all the furniture in the sitting room had a thick layer of dust on all the seats. Sherlock had then realized that John had spent all his days in his room, never coming out except for the occasional cuppa of tea. He felt the world go by at the speed of sound and he caught himself holding onto the nearest thing which happened to be a table filled with all his experiments left forgotten and undisturbed. His vision clouded as the realization that even John at the flat suffered.
Sorry I know it kind of got cut off at the end. Please let me know what you think of it in the comments. Thanks. Next chapter is soon to come.