It's been 10 years since that day. The day we took down the walls. We destroyed the 'system', destroyed the concept of love as a disease and brought freedom. I, Lena Haloway Tiddle, part of the resistance movement did this, accomplished this, and that is the day I will never forget.
Bullets. Fire. Smoke. Everywhere. Tack trying to protect Raven. Gracie with me and Alex by my side.
Alex confessing his love for me and me doing the same.
That day.
The day I lost Julian.
And today standing here, in front of his gravestone with flowers in my hand, I weep for him. The gravestone says
"Julian Fineman. Son And Friend. Died For His Cause"
As the wind blows my dress and hair flow with it, I can't help but weep. Weep for those we lost that day, yes we accomplished our goal and while everyone today thinks of it as a story to tell, they'll never know of the struggle of achieving it. The pain in all those homesteads. Traveling from one place to other, in the harshest of winter with hardly any food to go along. Rationing everything. They will never know how we walked with the grief of loosing a friend and pretended to be ok with it, when it would actually be killing us inside. They will never know of the struggle to end the Zombie land.
I drop on my knees and cry uncontrollably repeating his name
"Julian. Julian. Why? Why did you have to leave me? Answer me Julian!"
My vision gets blurry because of my tears,
"You helped me. I was grieving and you taught me how to love again. Love. The thing I gave up everything for and also the one thing I forgot how to feel. You taught me. Helped me. You loved the broken and bitter part of me. Not thinking it was a disease but as a beauty. You always thought I was beautiful."
I stopped. I can't
"JULIAN!" I screamed putting my hand on the ground
"JULIAN! ...Julian, I'm sorry"
I tried to stop myself from shaking and whispered these final words
"If it weren't for me, you would've been alive. But if it weren't for you, I probably wouldn't have. So thank you Julian, thank you for giving me life."
I kiss my fingertips and brush my hands over his gravestone, place the flowers and stand up, wiping my tears.
It was true. That day after we broke the wall, there were still armed men on the other side. And one of them aimed a gun straight at me, and before I could do something he fired and that bullet. The one which was suppose to kill me, went through the body of the boy who loved me enough to come in front of me at that moment. Julian. The bullet went through his chest and he fell on the ground. I had wanted to scream.
I hadn't.
I had wanted to cry.
I hadn't.
I just sat there, beside him unable to believe what had happened. And that's where Julian uttered his last words "F-for you.. My ev-everything" With that he had closed his eyes. Never to open them again.
Every year I would come to Julian's gravestone and ask him this same question, as to why he had left me, and every year he wouldn't answer.
I walked home. Slowly and gradually. One step at a time, remembering every memory I've had with him. From being locked up together to being free together. Every word and every kiss, all we ever wished for, was to meet again after all this ended. But unfortunately, we never got that.
I wished I could have loved Julian, the way he loved me. I wished I could give Julian life the way he gave me. Not just by giving up his own, but by making me a part of his life. He had given me life by loving me, by taking me into his arms and making me feel special. Just by looking into those eyes of his, I knew that if died, there would be someone who would shed tears. Someone for whom I mattered. That's how he gave me life.
Thinking and grieving, I stood at the doorstep of my home.
My home with Alex, and our two beautiful daughters. Raven and Blue, both named after the friends I had lost in my journey as a part of the resistance. My friend Raven had died a few months after that day, because of the wounds she had suffered but she was happier in those few months then I had ever seen her. Tack and Raven had gotten married and controlled the armed forces together, just like they had done in the Wilds. Tack continued after Raven died, because she had asked him to or as she referred it "I don't trust anyone else to be able to protect anyone like Tack" Thus Tack continued, believing it was the last wish of his late wife.
I opened the door and went inside, to find Alex hunched over Blue's cradle and caressing our child as she slept. Alex knew I went to Julian's grave every year on this day and knew not to ask questions about it either. I had wiped my tears and tried smiling as I said
"Hey"
"Hi" he said turning around and looked at me with those warm golden eyes. "Want me to make you some breakfast?"
It was 8am and somehow I felt the compulsion the be out, as if the walls seemed be closing in today.
"How about we go for a picnic?" I said. This was sure to create interest for Alex, since he knew I didn't like doing much on this day simply because we had lost a lot of our loved ones.
"Sure. What do you have in mind?"
"How about Back Cove?"
Alex smiled and I knew we were thinking about the same memory. The we swam till the lighthouse. That the first time I knew what it meant being free and what it meant to be in love and the thought had scared me so much back then.
"Sure you won't run away this time?" he teased
"Positive."
"But I have one condition" He said
I looked at him with bewildered eyes..
"We have to stay until the sky is of the colour I name"
I laughed as I already knew the one he was talking about.
"Grey" we said in unison.
My eyes became watery again and Alex took me into his arms. A tear rolled down my cheek as I fastened my arms tightly around him. He caressed and hair and hushed me to stop me from crying.
"It's ok. It's ok.." He stayed like that for a while. In each others arms.
"Do you miss him?" Julian
"Everyday.."
"He's proud of you Lena."
We stopped hugging and he was looking into my eyes.
"Although it killed me seeing you with him, I can't thank him enough for being there with you when I wasn't. And wherever he is, he is very very proud of you." We held each other's gazes for a little longer and went back into each others arms.
"I love you." I whispered, not knowing if he heard it.
"I love you too" he whispered, ever so softly.
And for a second.
Just a split of a second, I think heard Julian's voice.
Be happy
-Rose C.
This was originally posted on my blog The Get Away: .