Hi, there, everyone. You know, lately I realized that I've got a love for crack pairings. I mean, canon pairings are cool, but they already got their spotlight in the show.

So this story is basically crack. Period.

DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN TDI/A/ROTI

"Welcome, to Total...Drama!" the host, Chris McLean said, flashing his brilliantly white teeth directly at the camera and possibly blinding viewers. "Now, you're probably wondering why nothing came after 'drama.' Well, that's 'cause this isn't part of any season! It's a reunion episode! Or, maybe, a reunion bunch of episodes, whatever. So, without further ado, here are the former contestants!"

Thirty-seven twenty (and nineteen) year-olds appeared out of nowhere, and the camera zoomed into them. Some were smiling, some were glaring, and curiously, some were bound and gagged.

Chris smiled his oh-so charming grin. "Now, now, I know you aren't as happy to see them as you are to see me, but unfortunately, the producers won't let me have my own talk show. And you know the feeling of being in college and dateless, right?" Chris chuckled. "Well, I don't! Girls swarmed me when I was in my good ol' university. Everybody wanted a piece of McLean. But I can't say the same for these losers, who, given their current state, are probably not in tip-top shape in the romance department. So, I—"

"MCLEAN!" the prep known as Courtney roared. She somehow managed to rid herself of the gag, despite the bonds on her wrists. "This is kidnapping! I could sue you, you overgrown troll! It's not legal to burst in the middle of my class and have your ruffians grab me and—MMPH!"

An intern had placed the gag back on her mouth tiredly. In return, Courtney flicked her leg back, right on his 'kiwis.' The poor guy groaned in pain.

"Thanks, intern!" Chris shouted, winking at Courtney, who scowled at him in response.

"Anyway," the narcissistic celebrity continued pointedly, "dating shows are popular these days. And now, I'll just—"

"But I have a boyfriend!" Bridgette exclaimed, tucking her arm into Geoff's.

"Yeah," Zoey chorused. Girls started nodding in agreement.

"Me, too," Tyler yelled. "I mean, I have a girlfriend," he added quickly, when people shot him weird looks.

"Stop interrupting me!" Chris all but exploded. "Chef? Do the honors?"

Chef, clad in a skimpy red dress, glared at the former contestants and shoved a large fishbowl into Chris' hands.

"Thank you. Oh, and I dig the dress, dude!" Chris laughed.

Chef grunted and stood next to Chris, shooting everyone the evil eye.

"So, lemme explain the rules. Each contestant will take a sheet of paper. In this case, we'll do it the Sadie Hawkins way, meaning the girls will get a sheet of paper with a name of a dude on it. Or," he said with a malicious smirk, "maybe not a dude. And since Blainelely finally moved to somewhere far away, there is a total of thirty-seven contestants. Meaning, there is something called the 'surprise' option."

"Uh, excuse me?" Heather said snidely. She, too, was one of the people who refused to go and had to be bound and gagged. Alejandro, who went willingly, untied her, like a proper gentleman would—and he was rewarded with a slap from Heather.

"Surprise option," Chris repeated. "Yeah, you heard me right."

"This is stupid," Eva, who used her strength to snap the rope on her wrists and chomped the gag off, growled. "I am not going to date any idiot who isn't worthy of my glorious power!"

"Really?" Chris said, quirking an eyebrow. "Even if it means"—he whipped a briefcase seemingly out of nowhere—"one-hundred thousand dollars?"

"What happened to the million?" Sam asked, scratching his head.

The host rolled his eyes. "Um, hel-lo, do you think I'll be willing to give all that money for a handful of episodes that focus on dates? What about the maintenance of my sportscars? Or the money we spend for these designer, high-class outfits?" he cried, gesturing at his body.

"You wear the same thing everyday," Beth said, perplexed.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Chris snapped, brushing lint from his blue-green shirt, paired with his khakis, as usual.

"Lightning's gonna sha-win the gold! Gimme that fishbowl!"

"Nuh-uh! Explosivo's gonna get the goods!"

"What about me? I'm the prettiest! Uh, Sally, where's Tyler?"

"I'm not letting this slip now that I got rid of that stupid shark!"

Lightning didn't waste any time and lunged for Chris and the fishbowl.

"Whoa, easy there, tiger," Chris reproached him as soon Chef stopped him with a single meaty hand. "I said, girls. Unless you still can't tell males from females, bro, then not you. Let's start with...Staci!"

Another intern reluctantly undid her gag. Unlike the others, she went willingly, but she began to tell them that one of her ancestors invented cloth. After twenty more 'greats,' before the word 'grandma,' all the interns couldn't take it anymore.

Staci opened her mouth the minute the gag came off. "Yeah, my great-great granddad created fishbowls. Before him, everyone kept their fish in their pockets, and, like, had to pour water per second. Ooh, and strips of paper! Like, don't get me started on my great, great, great, great—"

"Just get the -bleep- piece of paper!" Chris said through clenched teeth. Everyone nodded in agreement.

Staci shrugged and merrily skipped towards the fishbowl. She plucked a strip of paper and squinted at it.

"Well, girl? Don't keep us here all day!" Leshawna called out.

Staci was uncharacteristically quiet. Or maybe it was because she couldn't claim that a relative invented boys.

"I got..."

Ooh, cliffhanger! Tsk, tsk. Anyway, suggestions of who Staci will end up on a date with is entirely up to you! (Or at least, leave your suggestions at the review and I'll see if I could write a date with that pairing. Make sure to make it completely random and cracked! Leave your requests, and please REVIEW!