Title and lyrics from the One Republic song. Reviews are appreciated!
Heart still beating but it's not working
It's like a hundred thousand voices that just can't sing
I reached out trying to love but I feel nothing
Oh, my heart is numb
But with you
I feel again
Adam is fantastic. He encourages Kurt. He jokes around with Kurt. He gives Kurt a confidence that he has never really had before. He never had anyone like him back immediately. Blaine took forever to realize that he liked Kurt back, and every boy before that never even liked boys. With Adam, it's just different. It makes Kurt feel more adult.
The snow day is ideal. He loves sitting around watching movies. As much as he is annoyed by Santana, he really is happy she's in New York. It's like back up against Rachel, albeit a whole new can of crazy. But then she has to bring up the wedding.
It was a test, watching Moulin Rouge. He loved it before Blaine and he should still love it after Blaine. It's still a fantastic movie. He thought he wouldn't cry with Adam around, and maybe a part of him thought if he watched it with Adam, it wouldn't be something attached to Blaine anymore. He was wrong.
Moulin Rouge just reminds Kurt of everything he misses. He misses the way Blaine smells and the way Blaine would have Kleenex ready as soon as Kurt pulled out the DVD. He wants to hear Blaine humming your song in his ear. He wants Blaine to be falling asleep on his chest. He wants to plan Moulin Rouge inspired color themes for their wedding.
That night, as they go to sleep, Adam's arms tighten around Kurt, and Kurt isn't comfortable. He should be. This is perfect. His almost boyfriend who is loving and gentle and supportive is here. But Kurt doesn't want a British man who is six feet tall and has no gag reflex. He realizes that he wants Blaine, and he doesn't know why.
That's the irritating thing. He can't figure it out. Adam can fix the sink when it stops working (which makes Brody defensive and Kurt finds that hilarious). Adam compliments Kurt all the time. He emails Kurt recipes that are good for people undergoing chemotherapy. He sings to Kurt. Weeks pass, and Kurt can't come up with a single reason that he should love Blaine more than Adam. The longer Kurt stays with Adam the more wrong it feels. It just doesn't feel like they're supposed to be together.
Adam makes an effort too. He tries to figure out their song, their movie. It's useless though, and he starts to see that.
"Can I ask you something, Kurt? Are you okay?" Adam asks.
"Of course, soufflés are just stressful."
"No, I mean, are we okay? Because it seems like you've been pulling away the last few weeks."
"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be fine?" Kurt continues mixing ingredients.
"You won't sing with me. You don't like me to stay over anymore. You've stopped making time to catch up between classes. Do you not want to see me anymore?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Adam. You're perfect. You're British, talented, attractive, funny, supportive and kind. Plus, you don't have a gag reflex," Kurt smirks.
Adam doesn't laugh. "Yeah, I have those qualities. That doesn't mean you have to be with me."
Kurt looks up, finally. "Adam, I'm with you. I should be with you."
"You should be?"
"What?"
"You said should be."
Kurt turns his attention back to the food. "I didn't say that."
"Are you over Blaine?" God, why couldn't he just be angry and yell at Kurt? Wouldn't that be easier that staying calm and collected?
"My ex who cheated on me the second I turned my back? Adam, I'm with you."
"But you're not in love with me."
Kurt puts down the whisk and sighs. "I'm sorry."
"Kurt, we're not exclusive. It's okay that you're not in love with me. But if I stay with you longer, I will fall in love with you. I can just see myself being with you, you know? You're really…you're lovely."
"I'm sorry. I should be in love with you. I don't know why I'm not."
"You're sure you don't know? Look, I'm not a nice enough guy to tell you to be with someone else. I won't like him and I think he's a piece of shit for hurting you and I just might want to beat him to a bloody pulp when I see you together."
"He cheated."
"That's the funny thing about love, Kurt. You don't get to pick and choose who you love. You love him still, don't you?"
"I shouldn't. I've been trying so hard not to."
"Well, no great love story was ever based on loving the person you should was it?"
Adam takes a box of his things when he leaves. They agree to remain friends. Kurt should be hurt by this, the same way he should love Adam. Instead a strange feeling of relief washes over him. He doesn't have to feel guilty for not being in love with Adam anymore which is a weight off his shoulders. He loves Blaine. He doesn't want anyone besides Blaine. Kurt paces the apartment until Santana comes home.
"Hey Hummel, trying to debate if there's a difference between sparkles and glitter?"
"Adam and I broke up."
"Well, thank god. He made me feel like we were in an episode of Downton Abbey."
"And I'm still in love with Blaine."
"Yeah, like that's news."
"I shouldn't go back to Lima, right? I should just call him. Maybe Skype him."
"Wait, do you want to get back together with Blanderson?"
"I…Yes. I just-I'm tired of trying to fall out of love with him. It's exhausting and clearly not happening. Is that ridiculous? Didn't Rachel and Quinn and Tina fall in and out of love multiple times in high school?"
"Kurt, you need to stop pacing. You're going to put a hole in the floor."
"I'm insane, aren't I? We're 19. It's stupid to think that we'll spend the rest of our lives together. Especially after this. We were supposed to be better than Finn and Rachel. We don't cheat. We don't take a million breaks."
"You can't plan a relationship."
"We weren't supposed to fall apart. We were—"
"Kurt, it doesn't matter!" Kurt stops pacing and finally looks at Santana. "It doesn't matter what you planned or what was supposed to happen. What matters is if you're ready to suck it up and work on your shit with Blaine."
"I just…I don't want to do this without him."
"What's 'this'?"
Kurt quietly answers, "Life."
"You should probably tell him that."
"What do I do? Call him and say 'I'm ready now. We can get back together.' I don't even know where to start. We have so much to work on and we're at different places now than we were then and—"
"Oh my god, Hummel. Just take my credit card and buy a damn ticket to Lima."
"What? Santana, that's actually really nice of you."
"I've been nice this entire conversation! I'm a nice person. It's not my fault that people don't like honesty. Now take the damn card and go have anal sex."
He takes Santana's advice and tries not to think too much about the fact that it's Santana's advice. He's at Blaine's house around midnight, and please god, let his parents be on business again or else they're going to think that he is crazy.
Kurt knocks on the door and Blaine answers. "Hey," Blaine says, eyebrows raised. "Come in."
"Thanks." They hug and go up to Blaine's bedroom. It looks the same as when he left for New York.
Blaine takes a seat on the bed while Kurt chooses to stand. "So, not that I don't love a visit from you, but can I ask why you're here?"
"I like being on my own. Independent is something I learned to do really well before I met you."
Blaine looks down. "I know."
"When I met you, I was slipping and you caught me before I fell. I've told you that before. Your timing was impeccable." Blaine nods. "So when I stopped having you to lean on, I learned how to hold myself up again, and I can do it. It's not that hard. I'm a lot more confident now than I was at 16."
"Yeah, I noticed. That's…that's good. I'm glad that you're, well, you."
"But I was ready to find out what dating was like. I wanted to be with someone else. When I met Adam, I thought 'perfect.' I still do. I thought the same thing about you when we met." Blaine scoffed. "Probably would've faded away as we spent more time together, but I really can't find a reason not to be in love with him."
"Is that what you came here to tell me? That he's a better man than I ever was?" Blaine's voice cracks at the end and Kurt knows that he's about to cry.
"I don't mean—"
"You don't think I know you deserve better than me Kurt, really? I'm a fuck up. I disappoint the people I love constantly. I know that people are going to see you and fall in love with you because you are one of the most amazing people on the planet. You don't have—"
Kurt sits down and grabs Blaine's hand. "No, just let me finish, Blaine, okay? I hate what you did to me, but I get it. Neither of us should've been that lonely. We were drifting, and I was starting to question us too. But you did a really horrible thing,"
"I'm sorry."
"I know, and it's not something that can ever happen again. Every time I was with Adam, I tried to figure out how you did it. How it could've felt right to do any of that with someone else. I don't get it. I sit on the couch in his arms and it feels wrong…it's supposed to be you."
"It never felt right, Kurt. Never. I just thought it would make it hurt less when you realized you weren't in love with me anymore."
"Funny thing, I tried falling in love with someone else. It didn't work. I can't seem to fall out of love with you no matter how hard I try."
Blaine looks down at their linked hands. "So, where does that leave us?"
"I don't want to need you. I'm fine without you. My world didn't stop spinning."
Kurt takes a deep breath before continuing. "But every time something happens, I want to tell you. You're not there and I just don't feel right. Something feels wrong about not being with you. I want to share my day with you and I want to tell you which bowtie to wear and I want you to be the one I sing Come What May with."
Tears start to stream down Kurt's face. "I want to wear sweaters that smell like you and remind you to change the oil in your car and yell at you for stupid things like not doing dishes and I just—I still need you, Blaine. I really still need you so much and I don't even know why and it doesn't make sense, but I just love you so much."
"Shh," Blaine's arms are around Kurt. "You'll always have me, okay? I will always love you."
Kurt lets himself fall apart in Blaine's arms. He never cries anymore. He hasn't cried since the night Blaine told him about the cheating, not even when his dad told him about his cancer. They stay like that on Blaine's bed for a long time, until Kurt calms down.
"This was so much more romantic in my head," Kurt sniffs.
Blaine smiles. "It doesn't have to be romantic. All I need is you. I haven't felt right either, you know."
"We're back together now, just so you know."
"Well, I should hope so." Blaine keeps rubbing Kurt's back. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry to bombard you. I kind of had an epiphany about my feelings for you and ran with it."
Blaine kisses Kurt's head. "I'm glad you did. Wait here."
Blaine goes into his closet. "What are you doing?" Kurt asks.
Blaine came back with a sweater. "Here. I wore this yesterday and it definitely smells like me. Now move back and get under the covers while I put Moulin Rouge in. We can cry out the last of the tears and sing together."
Kurt put on the sweater and crawled into bed with Blaine.
They sing Come What May to each other is low voices, and Kurt finally feels right again.