It was as though my heart had been torn out, threw aside and forgotten. I did not feel the pain that this would cause, just the pain of missing the real him. He was like a crucial part of me which without, I couldn't live. Would I be forced to try and fit in to the natural world now he was gone? I would try to blend in without being noticed. Disguise my upset from those people who thought they knew me. Use loosing him as my excuse for being silent, non-responsive.
Above all things, I was ill, not able to stay in a room alone from fear I'd start thinking of him. I wouls not think of him for as long as I could, because the pain would take over. It would knock me off of my feet and I would surrender to the power he once had over me. The power he still had over me. The power love had over me, a love so powerful it could overcome everything, in this case however, it chose not to overcome the massive hurdle he had left in the way of us being together. All I now feel is a great strength from within my heart trying to pull me through. But despite my hearts best efforts, I don't actually want to overcome the pain. Overcoming the pain meant dismissing the pain-causing object. I wanted to be with him, to hear his voice, to look into his eyes and see that he loves me. So I would not complain about the pain and cry myself to sleep each night from then on.
I was the one keeping his cold presence with me, the one stopping my hurt disappearing. I couldn't remove him from my life; though this would make me give up hope, hope that he would come back, or just hope that he existed happily without me wherever he was. I needed him, I wanted him.
The one thing I needed in my life now balanced out all the grief I'd been receiving is reassurance that he'll be free from me; as he wanted and for him to be happy and not feel responsible for me. I couldn't blame him for anything, it had been my fault that I'd grown so attached to him, that I'd fallen so deeply in love with him, after only a short period of time. Well from the moment I had first set eyes on him, I knew that he was what I'd been looking for.
I felt distraught. His actions were his own choice. He was not to blame. But what had I done to him!?
If only I'd just stayed away that Tuesday afternoon. If I had even been just a few hours later. I kept re-enacting the day he left in my head. The day my life technically ended. The day I walked in on Edward getting hot and heavy with Emmett and Rosalie!