Disclaimer: George Lucas is the King of Star Wars, we are his humble peasants who own nothing and simply borrow his characters for fun.

We're Baaaaack!!!!

A/N: Tinuviel Undomiel: Hello everyone, long time no post eh? It's a long story as to why the hiatus. Check out my profile if you want more details, anyways. Everyone give a round of applause to shanesnest who's reappearance made us realise how much we missed fanfiction so we staged a come back. This was always one of my favorites and this one is for you shanesnest. I hope you like it.

A/N: Nerwen Aldarion: We are back and better than ever if I say so myself. During out long vacation from fanfics we continued to work on original fiction so if I may brag our writing has greatly improved, I think you all will appreciate our skills with the pen (err Keyboard) even more now. This was always my fave of the Jedi Knight genre but we never got around to finishing it, I love angst and this one is FULL of it. I love getting into Jan's head and taking her to the brink of despair and I hope you all enjoy the ride that takes her there.

NOTE: This is an Alternate Universe story that takes place after Dark Forces 2. We always thought that in the game Kyle should have been more conflicted when he was faced with the option of killing Jan so we brought this out and then made Kyle make a very hard decision that will have very bad repercussions.

Dare to Dream

Part I: Breaking Down

Preface: Goodbyes

The stars were streaks of white outside the cockpit of the Moldy Crow. I sat in the co-pilot's chair and just watched the hypnotic lights zooming past the ship at light-speed. It was easy to forget your troubles when all you could see before you was black and white.

My fingers twirled the hilt of my deactivated lightsaber. It was heavier than I had thought a lightsaber would be, in more ways than one. It was a symbol for the source of so much trouble yet also my power.

A Jedi. Me. Who'd have thought that I could move boxes with just the wave of my hand or control the mind of my enemies by simply concentrating and saying what I wanted them to say. It was crazy, but true. I shared the same power as Luke Skywalker, Obi Wan Kenobi.

Darth Vader.

Jerec.

The bastard who murdered my father. I was like him. I had the Force and I had tasted its Dark Side. It was a sweet temptation to feel so powerful you could rule the galaxy. I had wanted to embrace it completely, to live a life with no rules, no morals. But I had refused…barely.

Jan was going over the controls of the Crow even though she always kept everything on the ship in perfect shape. She was trying not to look at me, the man who had nearly killed her.

That offer still rang in my ears. Kill her, that dark voice inside of me had urged, She is useless. No power, no worth. She doesn't understand what you can do. Kill her and take all the power Jerec can give you.

Jan had seen my indecision. She had known that I was tempted. I had actually put my lightsaber to her throat, imagining how quick and easy it would be to take off her head just like Jerec did to my father's.

But I didn't.

The fear in her pretty blue eyes. The desperate plea in her voice as she whispered my name reminded me of our friendship. It reminded me of how much I wanted more than that. So I pulled away and let her live.

The fight was over. Jerec was dead, my father and Rahn were avenged. But what about Jan and me? Was we dead as well? She was two feet away and wouldn't even look at me. She was afraid of me.

This silence was torture to me. I had to say something. "How far are we from Coruscant?" It was a pointless question since I could read it off of the screen.

"Five hours give or take," Jan said to me without looking up from the controls.

Five hours. Great. I was going to go insane at this rate. I needed to broach the subject but I really didn't want to. I wanted things to go back to normal but apparently normal didn't exist anymore.

"Jan," I said her name with a pause and then I continued, "We—we should talk."

"That's not necessary, Kyle."

Jan always got polite when she was nervous and I almost laughed until I remembered it was me she was edgy over.

"It is necessary, Jan," I said, "I—I tried…I know what I did, I just want you know I didn't mean—."

"I—I know Kyle."

"It wasn't me," I said desperately, "I mean it was me, but it wasn't me." She didn't say anything and still refused to look at me. "Jan, I would never…"

I didn't finish. I didn't believe it anymore. I could hurt her. I almost did, but one thing I refused to do was lie to her.

We sat in silence the entire way home. Once we landed, she hopped out of her seat without a word. I followed her but more slowly. I stopped at the landing ramp and watched her walk out of the hangar bay, walking away from me, the man caught between light and dark.

I locked up the Moldy Crow and went to my apartment. I lay down on the bed but didn't sleep, just stared at the ceiling, really the darkness seeing as how without any lights I could barely see the ceiling. I must have laid there for hours replaying what I had done in my mind but it felt like seconds.

Jan was scared of me now and it was my fault. I had broken the bond of trust several years of working together had created. I wasn't sure I could fix it. She had seen the darkness that was inside of me. It was doubtful that she would ever trust me again.

I had to admit to myself my feelings now; they were what stopped me from killing her. They had saved her and me, but what about when another Sith came around? Jerec had known that with her death I would have severed every bit of good in my soul. If he had seen that then someone else could too. They could use my feelings to hurt her. I would never forgive myself if that happened.

Was there a way to keep that from happening?

Yes there was. I had to leave her.

Could I do that?

Could didn't matter. If it meant she would be safe then I would. She was the most important thing in the universe to me.

I didn't have a choice.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

It was early morning but still dark when I finished packing. I took only what I needed and all of that could fit into one bag. I wasn't sure where I was going but it would have to be far from here. I left my I.D. card and everything the New Republic had given me. I was going off the grid.

I took a detour and stopped outside of Jan's apartment. I should have gone on and left but I wanted to see her face again, one last perfect memory to keep with me once she was out of my life forever.

I used the pass code she had told me to let myself in. Her apartment was a disaster, as always. Data pads were stacked on the table, the tele-net, even scattered all over the floor. No doubt most of them were reports that were probably due last year. Her kitchen was bare of food, pots or anything that was needed to make a meal. I had to smile at what I saw. Jan was a mechanic, not a housekeeper.

The door to her bedroom was open and I could see her lying on her bed. I crept into her room and gingerly sat down on the edge of her bed. She had one arm curved around her head on the pillow and the other rested lightly on her stomach. Her breaths were coming out softly and deep.

I reached up and traced the curve of her cheek with the back of my fingers. One strand of her dark brown hair had fallen over her forehead. I twirled it around my finger before tucking it behind her ear.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to her though I knew she couldn't hear me, "I'm sorry about Ruusan." I paused before saying, "And I'm sorry about leaving you like this, but it's the only way to protect you…from me."

I traced the feathery hair of her eyebrow and followed the path back down to her cheek. "I can't say goodbye to Jan, because that would kill me completely."

My finger softly brushed her lips and tightness formed in my throat. "I can't pretend that I don't feel the way I do. This—this is the closest I'll get to saying this in person."

I needed to say it. It was the reason for why I had to go and I couldn't keep it from her. She wouldn't know what I had said, but I would. That would be enough.

"I love you," I whispered.

I bent over and pressed my lips to hers, but only for a moment. It was a stupid thing to do because it weakened my resolve. Not enough to make me stay though.

I left her bedroom and shouldered the bag I had dropped by the door. I didn't look back at what I was leaving behind. If I did, I would have broken down completely.

A/N: Reviews are always appreciated but since the next chapter is one click away, why wait? But do review since we love your comments.