A/N: I didn't join the Barson Secret Santa on Tumblr as I wasn't sure I was going to have time to write a Christmas fic, but it turns out I did. So here's the first part of what is currently a two shot. MERRY CHRISTMAS to the entire Barson Family! I hope you enjoy. Oh, and just to avoid any questions/confusion, Sheila Porter doesn't exist in this universe.
I do want to say thanks to motherbearof3 for her help with this. It would be no-where near as good without her being a wonderful sounding-board/proof-reader.
"Can we do Christmas Eve presents now?" Noah asked bouncing in his seat, as he watched his mother and Rafael clear the breakfast dishes.
"Presents on Christmas Eve?" Rafael asked, placing the bowls in the sink and grabbing a cloth to wipe down the table.
Olivia smiled at the familiarity with which she, Rafael and Noah negotiated their morning routine. They'd been dating for five months and sleeping together for three and a half, but he had only recently begun staying over. Olivia had wanted to shield Noah from their relationship until they were sure it would work out. Rafael had been sneaking out in the early hours of the morning whenever he stayed, until one night in early December when, after working thirty-eight hours straight, they had fallen asleep after making love and not stirred until Noah had padded in and woken them at eight-thirty.
"One present," Olivia clarified, turning on the hot water and rinsing their cereal bowls and glasses. "It's kind of a Benson tradition." She didn't have many, but this was one that had endured throughout her childhood. Her mother had always been sober on Christmas Eve, or at least, sober enough to function as a parent. When Noah had come into her life she continued the tradition with him. "We normally wait until later in the day," she explained, "but we wanted you to be here."
Rafael nodded, touched that they were changing their routine to fit around him. He was going to his mother's for dinner tonight, as he did every year and then accompanying her to Midnight Mass. In years past, his mother would have had to drag him along with her and his Abuelita. As he got older and came to understand what it meant to them, he went willingly. Now, it was tradition, even though his Abuelita was no longer with them.
Drying her hands on the dishcloth, Olivia walked around the breakfast bar and knelt by the tree. She picked up a bright red package emblazoned with the words 'Noah's Christmas Eve Box' as well as two smaller unwrapped boxes. Returning to the kitchen she placed the boxes on the freshly wiped table and slid the biggest one towards Noah.
"Thank you, Momma." He flashed her a grin as he delved into the box, pulling out a book, 'How to Catch an Elf', a new pair of pyjamas and a small pouch of 'magic reindeer food'.
Noah flipped through the book, looking at the colourful pictures and trying to sound out some of the words. Olivia let him try for a few minutes before clearing her throat. Noah looked up from his book. Olivia indicated the two presents left on the table.
"Oh. Yeah. Here you go, Momma." He held out the larger of the two boxes that were left.
"Thank you, my love." She opened it to reveal a woollen hat, scarf and glove set.
"Do you like it, Momma?" Noah asked.
"I do," Olivia nodded, lifting the scarf wrapping the scarf around her neck. "I love it."
Noah lifted the last present. "And this one's yours, Rafa!"
Rafael's eyes widened as Noah slid the remaining box towards him. He hadn't expected to receive anything from Noah, even on Christmas Day, so being included in this tradition was a pleasant surprise.
"Gracias, amigo."
Placing a hand on Rafael's shoulder, Olivia bent close to his ear. "He picked it out himself," she whispered.
Rafael lifted the lid gently. Inside was a navy-blue tie adorned with penguins in Santa hats. It wasn't anything like what he'd usually wear, but the fact that Noah had chosen it for him made him smile. "It's great Noah," he told him.
Noah beamed. "Maybe you could wear it when you go to church tonight," he suggested.
"That is a really great idea, Noah. I will do that." He was sure his mother would comment on his new festive neckwear, but he could live with it.
The little boy's eyes lit up with joy. "Really?"
Rafael nodded. "I promise."
As Noah rushed off to take his presents to his room, Rafael placed a gentle kiss on Olivia's cheek. "Thank you," he whispered, gesturing to the tie.
"I had nothing to do with it," Olivia admitted. "He was out with Lucy, shopping for my Christmas Eve gift and told her he wanted to get you something too."
"Well, I appreciate it."
"Had I been there I might have been able to talk him into something a little more tasteful."
Rafael chuckled. "It could be worse, it could have been a musical or light-up one. Besides, it's only one night of the year."
"I suppose. Still, don't feel like you have to wear it… if it'll make you feel uncomfortable."
"You could always come with me and make the evening more bearable."
Olivia's eyes widened. "I'm sorry?"
He hadn't intended to invite her, but now the words were out of his mouth he couldn't think of better way to spend his Christmas Eve. "Come with me. To Mass. You and Noah. I know you're not Catholic but, well neither am I really. Not a practising one anyway. I just go with Mami. And now I'm babbling. Sorry." He took a breath and reached for Olivia's hand. "Come to Mass with me, please?"
"Rafa… Noah's too young for such a late night."
"I did it at his age, my cousins too. Let him sleep for a few hours beforehand and he'll be fine. You might get more of a lie-in in the morning too." Maybe for them both. The original plan was for Rafael to sleep at his own place and join Olivia and Noah mid-morning and stay with them for dinner, as his mother was volunteering at a soup kitchen. If Olivia and Noah came to Mass, maybe they'd all come home together, and he'd wake up next to his love on Christmas Morning.
"We can't…" She hesitated before uttering her next words, knowing there was a fair chance they'd upset him. "If someone sees us together…"
Rafael sighed. When they began their relationship, they'd both agreed that it would be best to keep it under wraps. But now, Rafael felt it was time to stop hiding. Olivia disagreed. The topic had come up several times in the past few weeks, and every time, they'd ended up going around in circles.
"It's been five months Liv. If not now, then when?"
Olivia bit her lip. "I don't know," she admitted, resting her elbows on the table.
Rafael leant back against the worktop and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. "I'm just sick of feeling like our relationship is some dirty little secret."
Olivia rose from the table and moved to stand in front of him. "Rafa, look at me… Please." He raised his eyes to hers. "I am not ashamed of you or our relationship. I'm not," she reiterated.
"I know. Sorry. I do know that. I'm just tired of hiding it. I want to be able to walk down the street holding your hand, to go out with you and Noah as a family and not have to worry about who's around. I want to be able to show the world how much I love you."
"I know." She reached for his hand. "I understand. I just need a bit more time. Can you give me that, please?"
Rafael took a deep breath. "I guess I'll have to," he replied, his voice flat and toneless.
Seeing him there, in her kitchen, hands stuffed in his pockets tugged at her heart. She wanted to say yes, to tell him that he could shout it from the rooftops, but she was afraid. "Raf…"
The sound of his cell phone ringing in the other room broke the moment and he squeezed out from between her and the counter to retrieve it. Olivia busied herself putting the dishes away. When he returned, he was dressed for the office – putting to use the spare suit that hung in her closet just in case.
"The DA called," he offered in explanation. "I've got to go."
"We'll see you in the morning then?" Olivia asked as he gathered his things.
"Yeah, I guess," he replied with a shrug, already in the living room. No goodbye kiss or hug. Barely even a glance in her direction. He ruffled Noah's hair as he passed him. "Bye, amigo."
"Bye, Rafa! See you tomorrow."
As the door closed behind Rafael, Olivia couldn't help but wonder if they would actually see him tomorrow.
The church was lit for Midnight Mass. Candles burned upon almost every surface, casting a warm, glowing light around the nave. Rafael sat in a middle pew, next to his mother, studying the small, unlit candle in his hand. He let the soothing sounds of the choir wash over him, hoping for some sense of peace.
He'd been out of sorts since his conversation with Olivia that morning. He hadn't wanted to leave things like that, but you just didn't ignore a summons from Jack McCoy; not even on Christmas Eve. Especially not on Christmas Eve. She'd sent him a couple of messages after he'd left, the first one checking if he was okay, the second to remind him to pick up the flowers he'd ordered for his mother. He'd ignored them.
It was petty, he knew. He should have responded. But he didn't. He was upset and angry with her and he didn't want to talk to her. Her third and final message came around 7.30, just as he and his mother were about to sit down to dinner. It was a photo of Noah, sat in front of their Christmas tree, dressed in his new pyjamas. It was captioned. "Noah wanted to say goodnight."
He couldn't help but smile at the photo of the boy who had quickly become a shining beacon in his dark life. As much as he didn't know what to say to Olivia right now, he couldn't ignore Noah. He'd quickly typed a reply, "Goodnight Noah. Remember to go to sleep quickly or else Santa might think you don't want him to visit you," before joining his mother at the table.
If his mother had noticed his distraction she didn't comment on it. Instead, she'd filled the silence with stories of his Tia Christina, his cousins and their children. He'd nodded and smiled in all the right places as he tried to dissect how his day had gone so very wrong.
He should never have asked her to Mass. He'd known as soon as the words were out of his mouth that it was a mistake. But they were out there then – he couldn't take them back – so he'd run with it. His Mami had always said, from as soon as he started talking, that his mouth would get him into trouble and she was right.
Most of the time though, it could get him out of trouble as well. But not on this occasion. He should have let it go, like he had the other times they'd talked about it, but he couldn't. It was Christmas and, although he hadn't intended to ask her to Mass, once the idea was planted he found he wanted it more than anything that might be awaiting him under the tree.
He tried to understand her reticence to go public, he did, but it was hard. Especially when he knew that this was it, for him at least. There would be no-one else. It was Olivia or bachelorhood. He'd never loved anyone the way he loved her. No-one had even come close. So, naturally, it hurt that she wasn't in the same place. He reasoned that if she was, if their relationship was 'end-game' to her, then she wouldn't want to hide it anymore.
"Aren't you being a little unfair?" said a small voice inside his head. A voice that sounded so much like his mother, that he glanced at her, sat next to him in the pew, to be sure she hadn't spoken. "She's told you she loves you. Just give her time."
Time. The one thing that, given her job, could be all too precious. She'd had a close call a couple of weeks ago, and ended up in the ER after a perp had pushed her down a flight of stairs. He didn't know anything about it until later that afternoon when he walked into her office to find her face bruised. No one had called him because no-one knew that they were a couple. And she hadn't called him because she hadn't wanted him rushing over, causing a scene and outing them, especially given that she was okay. But all Rafael had been able to think was what if it had been a bullet? What if she'd been shot? What if she lay dying in the street or in some hospital bed and he didn't know? He didn't want to be out of the loop if something happened to her. To not be involved in decisions about her… or Noah.
His heart was in his mouth every time she went to work but he'd never ask her to stop. No, he couldn't do that to her, but he was all too aware of the fact that each moment they spent together could be their last. Time wasn't something they necessarily had on their side.
It was then that it dawned on him then how much time he'd wasted today. He could have returned to her apartment after his meeting with McCoy, spent a good couple of hours with her and Noah, but he hadn't because he'd been too busy wallowing in self-pity. He did a quick mental calculation, trying to work out if it would be too late to go over there once he'd seen his mother home, to try and salvage their first Christmas together.
Movement on his other side drew his attention. He looked up and over, eyes widening, as someone slid into the pew beside him.
"Hi," whispered Olivia, sitting and settling Noah on her knee.
"Hi, Rafa," Noah added, his voice quite a bit louder than his mother's, causing Olivia to shush him and remind him of the rules she'd set out before they entered the church.
He ruffled Noah's hair. "Hola, amigo." Looking up he met Liv's gaze. "I thought you weren't coming?" he whispered, barely audible over the sound of the choir.
"I wasn't but…" She shrugged, wrapping her hand around his. She hadn't intended to come. Not until about an hour and a half ago.
She'd spent the day trying to shake the feelings of unease she had been left with after their conversation that morning. Noah had provided some distraction but there was a question still niggling at the back of her mind as she'd watched her son play in the snow and helped him bake Christmas cookies. "Why are you holding back?"
She was holding back, and she knew it. She loved Rafael, there was no doubt in her mind. But she was stuck. Unable to take that next step. Once Noah was in bed and she'd 'played Santa', placing all the gifts under the tree, she'd sat on her sofa with a large glass of Cabernet, and addressed her doubts.
In her head, she knew Rafael loved her, he'd told her on several occasions and he showed her every day, through the small things he did out of care and consideration for her. She also knew that he was committed to her, and to Noah. He'd been clear from the start that he wanted to be in this relationship for the long-haul and he understood what that meant regarding Noah.
In her head, she knew all these things. But in her heart… that was where the problem was. She was afraid. In her heart, she didn't know if their relationship would last. Her romantic history had hardly been a resounding success. Her string of failed relationships had left her jaded and cynical.
Although she'd never admit it to anyone, she had had feelings for Elliot and had, at times, fantasised about him leaving Kathy for her. But he didn't. Instead, he'd left her without looking back. In hindsight, she could see how toxic that relationship had been but that didn't mask the scars that its failure had left. When she'd moved in with Brian, she had thought that was it too. Yes, the circumstances that had precipitated the move had meant that it had happened sooner than it probably would have otherwise, but she'd still believed that she and Brian would go the distance. She wouldn't have agreed to live with him if she hadn't. With Ed, she'd been happier than she ever remembered being before and could see herself growing old with him and raising Noah. But, once again she had been wrong. He'd asked more of her than she could give and, that had been that.
Rafael was amazing. He made her feel things that she'd never experienced before. They complimented each other and challenged each other, both professionally and personally. They could be themselves with one another. She loved him, and he loved her. It sounded perfect, but Olivia couldn't help but think what if she was wrong again?
When her cell phone had beeped, indicating the arrival of a text message, Olivia had been disappointed that it wasn't from Barba but from Don Cragan.
"Liv, Merry Christmas to you and Noah. Love Don and Eileen x"
He'd attached a photo of him and Eileen in the living room of their new house, the Christmas tree behind them. Olivia had never seen Cragen as relaxed and happy in all the years she'd known him.
She'd quickly typed a reply, attaching the same picture of Noah she'd sent to Rafael earlier. "Thanks. Merry Christmas to you both too. New house is looking good. You look happy. xx"
"I am. Never thought I would be but that shows how much I know. Take care of yourself Liv. x"
Sipping her wine, she'd thought about Cragen's words. They echoed those he'd said when he'd retired. That, after giving his life to the NYPD, he finally had a shot at happiness. Olivia had replayed those words when she'd been asked to foster Noah, and again when she adopted him. She thought Noah would be the key to her happiness and he did make her happy – more than she'd ever thought possible, but then Rafael had asked her out and she'd discovered another reason to be happy.
It had taken her by surprise, his invitation to dinner, but she hadn't hesitated in accepting. She'd been fighting her feelings for him for a while – since before her break-up with Ed – and their first date had been everything she'd dreamed of and more. Their firm friendship had made it easy to make the transition to a romantic relationship; there had been none of the awkwardness that Olivia had expected. They'd agreed on that first date, not to disclose the change in their relationship. At first, it was to be able to enjoy it without being under the scrutiny of others. But then, as the weeks then months went by, Olivia found herself using that as an excuse. By keeping their relationship secret, she was shielding herself from the fall out of it ending. If only she and Rafael knew about it, then when it did end, it could do so quickly and quietly – without a fuss. Easier for everyone.
Sitting there in the dim light of her own Christmas tree, her gaze fell on one of the neatly wrapped presents that sat waiting for him. As she'd watched the lights reflect off the shiny silver paper, her thoughts had drifted back to that morning, to the look in Rafael's eyes when Noah handed him his Christmas Eve gift. When he'd realised that they were including him in their family tradition. He'd been touched by the present from Noah, but there had been something more there. Hope. Hope that this was the turning point in their relationship.
But then she'd snuffed out that little flicker of hope by refusing to join him and his mother at Mass. Choosing instead to sit, miserable and alone, in her living room on Christmas Eve, while the man she loved sat on the other side of the city, probably just as miserable. It was no way to spend their first Christmas as a couple. She'd glanced at the clock; 10.05pm. Luckily, she'd realised her mistake early enough to do something about it.
So, after adding a quick message to the tag on the present she'd been staring at, Olivia had woken Noah, placating his sleepy grumpiness with promises of seeing Rafael, wrapped him in his thickest winter coat and bundled them both into a cab. It had been a long time since she'd set foot in a church during the Christmas season; or for any reason other than a christening, wedding, or funeral, actually. But this tradition was important to Rafael, and he was important to her. And it was time she showed him just how much.
"… I'm sorry for this morning." She leaned in close, her breath warm against the side of his neck when she spoke. Rafael turned his hand in hers and allowed their fingers to intertwine. Olivia smiled and leant towards him until their shoulders were touching. Rafael knew they had drawn the attention of his mother and he could feel her gaze upon them, but he didn't care. This was what he had wanted. The warmth and light. The sparkle in her eyes and the joy he felt at having her and her son beside him. The tingling spark of excitement that travelled along his nerve endings when she leaned closer and whispered a simple "Merry Christmas," against his ear. They shared a smile and let their attention drift back to the service that was already ongoing.
When they rose and sat again after singing, "Once in Royal David's City", Noah clambered up, not onto Olivia's knee, but Rafael's. She moved to take her son, but Rafael shook his head, allowing Noah to snuggle into him, clinging onto one of his suspenders. Olivia leant back into him and let her hand rest on his knee. They stayed like that throughout the service, through the familiar carols like "Hark! the Herald Angels Sing" and "O Come, All Ye Faithful", through the rather disorganized homily, through the elaborate Kyrie and Gloria, Sanctus and Benedictus and Agnus Dei, accompanied by violins, cello, bass, two flutes, and the organ. The music and the old words, the 'Thee's' and 'Thou's', washed over Rafael and brought a measure of peace, one that was only deepened by Olivia and Noah's presence at his side.
When Rafael got up to go for communion, he was surprised to see Olivia go out of the pew ahead of him instead of stepping aside. He raised an eyebrow, as he allowed his mother to go before him.
"They do blessings, right?" she replied, taking Noah's hand and allowing Rafael to lead them down the aisle. As they waited to approach the altar rail, the man bent down and pointed to the nativity scene at the front of the church, explaining who all the figures were. Noah nodded along, happy to listen again to the story he'd been captivated by since Rafael had first told it to him a week ago.
They knelt at the rail, Noah between them, as they received the sacrament and blessings, while the choir sang the quiet Christmas hymns of the old hymnal, "Here Betwixt Ass and Oxen Mild", "A Babe Lies in the Manger", and "In the Bleak Midwinter". The music flowed over their heads in a sweet tide, and Rafael was sure that, to those who didn't know them, they looked very much like a family. They filed out together each holding one of Noah's hands, following his mother and the other communicants, and returned to their pew. Rafael slid in beside his mother and lifted Noah back onto his lap as Olivia reclaimed the space next to him, sitting as close as was publicly decent.
Later, as the candles were lit from the outside of the pew inwards, Rafael waited as Lucia turned towards him. His mother looked up him, eyes gleaming and brow raised in question. Rafael simply smiled and waited for the wick of his candle to light before turning away. Noah, who was resisting sleep, eagerly held out his candle. Rafael curled his hand around the little boy's wrist, holding it steady as their candles touched. "Careful, amigo." Noah beamed as his candle lit up. Rafael placed a gentle kiss on the boy's head, before helping him ignite Olivia's candle. Leaning across he placed a gentle kiss against the corner of her mouth. "Thank you for coming."
Olivia smiled and leaned into Rafael once more as he stretched his arm along the back of the pew behind her.
After the service, as people stood mingling in the aisle, Rafael helped Olivia on with her coat. She shivered as his thumb lingered against her neck as he swept her hair from beneath her collar. She turned and allowed her fingers to stroke the length of his tie. Her eyes crinkled at the corners, sparkling up at him "I can't believe you actually wore this," she whispered, conscious of the little ears stood next to her.
He shrugged, sliding his hand down her arm to capture her hand again. "I promised Noah," he mumbled against her ear. Olivia's heart soared at his words. He really did care about her son. She knew that Rafael would be the first to admit that he wasn't confident around children, but he'd made a concerted effort with Noah since day one of their relationship, something that had meant the world to her. Noah had accepted him willingly and often asked about him if he wasn't around. The two of them were quickly becoming inseparable but Olivia wouldn't have it any other way.
The click of heels against the stone floor announced the arrival of Lucia Barba. She stood next to Rafael, her hand on his shoulder, but looked straight at Olivia. "It's Sergeant Benson, yes?" she asked, a knowing gleam in her eye.
"Actually, it's Lieutenant Benson now, Mami," Rafael corrected, unable to hide the pride in his voice.
"It is, but not tonight," Olivia said, squeezing Rafael's hand.
He glanced at her, confirming he'd understood correctly, his unspoken question met with a smile and an almost imperceptible nod. Rafael returned her smile. "Liv, you remember my mother, Lucia Barba?"
She nodded, reaching out to shake the older woman's hand. "Of course, it's nice to see you again, Mrs Barba."
"Mami," Rafael continued, "this is my… girlfriend, Olivia and her son, Noah."
Lucia slapped him playfully on the shoulder. "Rafi! You should have told me." She rolled her eyes, glancing in Olivia's direction, "Honestamente! Los hombres son inútiles!" before turning back to Rafael. "They could have joined us for dinner." Lucia wasn't surprised by her son's admission. She'd suspected for a while that he felt something for his colleague and after watching them together tonight, she'd wondered if he'd finally decided to do something about it. Apparently, he had, and it looked like his feelings had been reciprocated.
"Oh erm, well…"
He was saved by Olivia. "It's my fault, Mrs Barba."
"Call me Lucia, please. And don't feel you need to cover for my Rafi, mija, he's a big boy."
"Honestly Lucia, I didn't think Noah and I were going to make it tonight. But our plans changed, so" she shrugged. "here we are." It was a small white lie, but it was worth it. It had been her fault that Lucia hadn't known she and Rafael were in a relationship after all.
Rafael felt something tug on his trouser leg. He looked down to see Noah gazing up at him through slatted eyes. "Up please, Rafa."
Rafael bent down and scooped him up, resting him on his hip. Noah rested his head against Rafael's shoulder and closed his eyes. "We should probably get this little man home to bed," Rafael said. He bent to kiss his mother's cheek. "Feliz Navidad, Mami."
She lifted her hand to his face. "Feliz Navidad, mijo." She swept Noah's curls out of his face. "And Merry Christmas to you Noah." She turned and gathered Olivia into an embrace. "Merry Christmas, mija."
It took Olivia a couple of seconds to get over her surprise at the older woman's hug, but once she did, she returned it warmly. "Merry Christmas, Lucia."
"Call me," she instructed her son, as the three of them walked up the aisle. "We'll have brunch." Rafael lifted his free hand in acknowledgement, before returning it to the small of Olivia's back and leading her out into the crisp night air.