I held my baby girl closer as they lowered her father into the frozen ground. She clutched me hard, strong, thin fingers cutting into my back. I was aware of them but I didn't feel any pain. I held her and I was the only thing keeping her balanced on her feet, it seemed as if her body could barely handle her grief. She buried her nose in my chest and wailed. I couldn't take it anymore so I scooped my baby up in my arms and carried her away. She hiccupped once, surprised, but clung to her daddy tighter. As I walked past her siblings they looked at us with tears in their eyes. Her sister draped herself over us and for a moment their pain was connected both emotionally and physically. When we were released I carried her, still wailing, to my car. She sat on the left on her own and when I sat down I slammed the door behind me.

"It's cold!" she choked out.

I turned on the heat and the warmth seemed to reignite her tears and they once more coated her pretty face in a slick layer of salt water. I sighed and again picked my daughter up and dragged her into my lap. She cried harder so I rocked her like when she was a baby.

"Shh Daff," I whispered, snuggling her hair. "It's all right… We'll be all right…"

She looked up at me, tears momentarily halted by my lies.

"Daddy!" she choked throwing herself back into my chest.

I kissed the top of her head and closed my eyes against the sight of her. In that moment she looked so much like him I could barely stand it.

I told Aurora to take her sister for the night, I needed to be alone. So later that evening I sat at his kitchen table flipping through books of our pictures he'd assembled over the years. There were fifteen in all, a number I know would have irritated him because of its oddness.

The first one began with the wedding. It took almost six months to plan but he did it in four and he did it all by himself. He was wedding planner, my fiancé, and secret alien ass kicker all in one. Very sexy, and on top of all that he'd been pregnant with our Aurora. He never wanted to stop, never wanted to take a break.

I lingered on the look on his face right before I shoved the piece of cake in it. He knew it was coming but the look was so priceless I had been laughing before I actually did it. He had gotten me back later in bed though so we were even. A month later he'd given birth to first daughter. Pictures from that night had come next. Martha had been there, along with Gwen, and me of course.

God our baby girl was so beautiful Ianto! The prettiest girl I ever saw!

After she was born I'd moved us all to the home I am currently sitting in, a comfortable English style manor in the nice, safe countryside.

I gave you everything didn't I? Everything you ever wanted or deserved and more than you ever dreamt you could have? I did everything to protect you…

I sighed and closed my eyes.

I can't be here without you…

I won't sleep tonight. The first time in many years that I will not sleep the entire night.

I leave the dimly lit kitchen and wander up to our bedroom.

The bed. The bed was still unmade from the last time we slept there together. The indent of your body still blesses the sheets…

I stood a good six feet away from it before stumbling into a nearby chair. I sighed and covered my eyes that were clouding over with tears again.

There were too many traces of you here. This is your room; I'd built it just for you, with you in mind… It still smells like you here.

I glance at the bed again. The bed we'd made Jack and Daff in and the bed you died in. I leave the room.

There were times when I regretted falling in love with you but I never was for one moment ungrateful that you loved me. It was selfish, I was selfish. I was wrong for letting you stay in my life and start a family with me with the knowledge of what I am lording over you. I could not protect you from that. But you still held on to me and never pushed me away. Even as one more birthday passed by and you got older and older you never let go. I watched you die… I could not protect you from death.

I sat back at the kitchen table and gazed down at the pile of scrapbooks on it and the black weapon next to them. I knew it was dumb, I knew it was futile, but if I could just see him once wandering through all that darkness then maybe I could… I didn't know… the kids wouldn't have to worry. I'd be back by the morning…

BANG!

It wasn't so dark this time around. It was actually light and warm; it was beautiful and blue. It was Le Côte d'Azure in France where Ianto and I had spent our ten year anniversary. I looked around. Typical rocky beach, the palm trees, the sea. Everything was quiet and calm and empty. There were no people or animals or vendors or anything… except for the whisper of the soft breeze that was blowing.

"Jack?"

I turned around and there he was.

"Ianto!" I yelled and ran forward to catch him in my arms and squeeze him tightly. He was young and whole and strong and here! I inhaled deeply and he scent was so fresh it was like he had never died! He hugged me back with all of his strength!

"Wh- what are you doing here?" he cried. "D- did someone kill you? I told you to be careful!"

I hugged him harder when I heard his voice. It was strong and clear and oh oh Welsh. He was everything he once was!

"Jack!" he snapped.

Yeah it was him all right. Everything down to his scent and facial expressions was perfect! I spun him around and around until he laughed with glee. I kissed the top of his head repeatedly. "My Ianto! My Ianto!" I cried. I never wanted to let him go!

"Jack! Jack!" he cried. "It's okay! It's okay! Calm down! Look at me!"

I smiled and softened my grip on his back to gaze down into his brown eyes.

"I told you," he laughed. "Be careful!"

"I did it myself," I admitted.

"With Daff in the house?" he yelled horrified.

"Of course not!" I yelled. "She's with Aurora for the night."

A relieved expression fell over his face and he sighed. "Jack…" He folded into me again and we both closed our eyes. "What are you doing here?"

"I needed you," I answered. "I always need you…"

"The children…" he muttered. I hugged him tighter. I knew he wouldn't want me to stay…

"Where is this?" I asked.

"I don't know Jack," he said. "But I've been here for a while; I woke up here when I… died… It hasn't been bad… quite nice actually… Do you think this is Heaven?"

I shook my head but took a look around. Gorgeous, warm but not hot, brilliant sun… "You know I don't believe in Heaven."

He sighed sadly. "Yeah… I know… This is probably some reverse purgatory or something…"

I smiled. "No Ianto, wherever I am with you is Heaven." I hugged him even tighter.

Suddenly, a cacophonous melody filled the air and made me frown. Here, in this wonderland- like "purgatory," after all these years…?

The Doctor's blue TARDIS shimmered into being on the warm, white sand and Ianto gripped me even tighter, he'd only seen it once after all…

"So this isn't Heaven?" he muttered gazing at the thing coming into sharper and sharper focus.

"No, of course it isn't Ianto Jones!" the familiar voice of the Doctor said as the man stepped out of his TARDIS and onto the beach. "Took you long enough to get here Jack."

"I thought he was dead!" I growled.

"He is!" he shouted walking over to stand before us.

"Then where am I?" Ianto asked calmly, never letting go of me.

"Le Côte d'Azure!" he cried.

"This is not the Riviera Doctor!" I snapped. "What's going on?"

He laughed at me. "This is special pocket in time and space I've created just for you." We both stared at him with knitted brows. "I've given you the blessing of seeing Ianto again, alive and young and you're yelling at me?"

"Well we'd just like to know what's going on," Ianto said patiently.

"Yeah because I know for a fact that my husband is dead," I said angrily. "I buried him this morning with my little girl sobbing on my shoulder!"

"Daff was sobbing?" Ianto cried looking up at me. He could never stand to see her cry.

"Of course she was!" I said. "He's dead and I know he's not some twisted memory you've concocted because this is my Ianto, the same as he was when I first kissed him!"

The Doctor stared at me silently for a while. I glared back and Ianto just clung to me tighter and rested his head on my shoulder.

"Ianto is most certainly not a twisted memory," he said. "You'll find that everything down to the little scars in his palms your nails gave him when making Jackson are still there. I'm giving you a choice Jack," he said slowly. "You can let nature take it's course, rip you back to Wales, go back to your children who are mourning and who need you… or you can stay here with your Ianto in this beautiful paradise…"