This story is dedicated to my biggest fans Linnea, Elizabeth and Madeleine as they've never ironically discouraged me from writing 'alternative fanfiction', but I still encourage the rest of you to ironically discourage me because I think its just ironic. Btw Linnea is the swede, Elizabeth was the cheese and Maddie is the lawyer so they'll wreck you if you don't like the story.

Benedict Cumberbatch had always like dragons. Since he was a kid he'd called his balls 'the dragon eggs' and that should explain how much he liked dragons. So when he got a call suggesting that he could be a dragon in a movie? He had to change his clothes he'd secreted so much liquid. As you could imagine, after the production of the movie was done Benedict was very sad. Benedict now needed an actual reason to writhe on the ground in lycra pretending to be a dragon except for that its for money or recreational purposes. On the last day of being on-set, the crew had a party to celebrate the completion of another mediocre project, like the birthday of a child. Martin Freeman had noticed how his eggy amigo was a little down in the dumps and decided that he'd try to cheer him up.

'Gazoinks Ben lets get some distance from this party, yeah?'

So they waddled off to hang out on the set of Gollum's cave, taking with them a cheese platter which Martin subconsciously ate without aid. 5 kilograms of cheese. It made him feel like a free man.

'I'm sad Martin.'

'That's nice.'

'I want to be a dragon again, y'know?'

'But aren't you a dragon?'

'Am I?'

'Yeah sure.'

Benedict traced his fingers over the 'rock' they sat on. Martin traced his fingers over the 'cheese' he was eating. Ben didn't realise that Martin was being sarcastic, he hadn't yet come to understanding that Martin was in fact what they called a shit. Little did either of the men know that Ben was actually a dragon.

Nah, I'm kidding that'd be stupid.

Though after eating so much cheese, Martin vomited through his nose. The sight of seeing 5 kilograms of cheese get chugged out of Martin's nose like steam from a train made Ben faint. He fell into the water that was moated around the 'rock' they stood on. But it'd be appropriate to put quotation marks around 'water' as well since Ben was then transported into a distant land. Water doesn't normally do that, unless you consider health and dehydration an exotic location. Ben saw a sparkling light, like he was in an advert for mineral water. He then saw wrinkly hands like he was being greeted by Hellen Keller. Was it Hellen Keller? No, it was Gollum since Hellen was out at the moment.