A/N: Slight bit of Bebe-bashing, she's my absolute favorite character but I don't think Craig would like her very much and he's our narrator. Also, Craig's a bit of a man-whore here.

Oh look, more friends talking about their relationships. How unexpected.

If best friends didn't include people who you regularly fuck, I guess Clyde was my best friend. Sure, he was a bit dense—sorry, that's a lie, he's absolutely retarded—but he's not horribly annoying and I guess I feel some sort of obligation to hang out with him. Which is why I'm sitting with him on the hood of his car, watching him shovel Taco Bell into his mouth in the least dignified way possible.

I picked lazily at the nachos in front of me, waiting for Clyde to say something. He just continued shoving food in his face so I started. "I'm know I'm pretty much obliged to hang out with you now but I've gotta go pick up Thomas in an hour so you might want to start talking."

Clyde frowned in confusion, trying to choke down all the food in his mouth. "Thomas? I saw you with Tweek like two days ago."

I shrugged. "Yeah."

"So, what's up with you and Tweek?" He asked, actually looking interested. God, his girlfriend's started to rub off on him.

"Nothing. It's the same as it's always been." I laughed a little. "Not that I can change anything, Tweek loves his stability."

"You're with both of them?" He asked, smiling what he probably thought was a sly smirk but what actually looked more like your weird uncle trying to make a dirty joke. "You two-timing bastard."

I groaned. "I'm not two-timing anyone, Clyde, both of them know. It's not like I'm keeping it a secret or anything." I keep thinking I've told Clyde about the arrangement a hundred times and that maybe he'll actually remember this time. Nope. I have to explain it to him every two weeks or so.

"And they're totally cool with this?"

I shrugged again. "You could go ask them. You see Tweek enough."

He thought about it for a moment. "I guess that's cool then. Wait—that means you're getting more ass than me."

I smirked at him. Fucking with Clyde's fragile masculinity was probably one of my favorite hobbies. "Yup, how does it feel to know that a sissy, gay-boy is getting more than you?"

Clyde looked furious for a moment then realized I was joking and stuck his tongue out like a little kid. "At least my ass comes with a sweet pair of tits."

And all of the bitching in the world combined with a hilariously long list of previous fucks, I thought bitterly. I let it go though. I never had to see her because of Clyde and she even kept him busy so I had more time for the other best friends I regularly have sex with. I made some noise of acknowledgment and started picking at my nachos again.

"I bet you wanna hear all about me and Bebe now." Clyde said excitedly.

"And why would you think that?" I asked, completely disinterested.

Clyde looked at me like this should be simple. "'Cuz you're gay."

I almost choked on my food. Wow, okay Clyde, you get points in the surprise department. Not only is it stereotypical this time but it's also utterly wrong. I took a moment to get over the shock and addressed the more important part first. "Okay, Clyde. One-I'm not gay and two-even if I was I wouldn't be interested in your relationship."

"You're not gay?" He asked skeptically. "You just have sex with at least two guys and go on dates with them and stuff?"

I sighed. "That doesn't make me gay. That just means that the only people I like in this town are guys."

"Only liking guys sounds gay enough for me."

I restrained myself from just leaving. Clyde is slow, I reminded myself, I have to be simple. "One of your girlfriend's exes is currently fucking Butters Stotch."

He stumbled a bit but tried to take it in stride. "Butters is basically a girl anyway."

So, being a wrong is just going to be permanent part of your life, I guess. I thought sarcastically. Stan is basically a girl, Clyde's a basically a girl. Butters is just weirdly naïve. "I'm also fucking that ex." I said, deadly serious.

He looked at me for a while, trying to figure out if I was joking. I wasn't.

I tried again. "Clyde, Bebe's bisexual you should at least understand liking both."

"So, you're bi?" He asked.

I sighed. Close enough. "Yeah."

"Still wanna hear about me and Bebe?" He tried apprehensively.

I'd rather go back to Peru. "Sure." He at least deserved to talk about her for a little with all the learning he did today. He'll forget it in two days but he understands it now.

"Things are fucking perfect and I don't how I managed something so great this time." He got a stupid, love-struck smile on his face and as much as I hate to admit it, he looked genuinely in love.

"I'm glad." I said only half-genuine. Clyde's my friend and I want him to happy but my general irritation with Bebe dampens it a bit.

"So, do you wanna explain what's going on with Thomas…? Tweek…? Kenny? All of them?"

Alright, simplest one first. I have to get Clyde used to complex concepts. "Kenny and I hang out and get drunk and sometimes we fuck and, for the love of god, don't tell anyone. Kenny's trying to pretend he's not cheating on Butters at every opportunity."

Clyde nodded enthusiastically. "I won't say anything."

"Tweek's my kind of boyfriend I guess…" I trailed off. How do I describe Tweek and me? "I hang out with him at school and study with him and sometimes we make out in the janitors closet if he's being too twitchy."

Clyde flinched. "I didn't need to know that."

I smirked. "Thomas is also my kind of boyfriend." I paused. "I pick him up from therapy and take him on dates and watch movies with him and but him chocolates on Valentine's Day and stuff." I realized I was smiling. Not a smirk or anything just an honest-to-god happy smile. Weird.

Clyde looked down, obviously a bit embarrassed and apprehensive. "Are you in love with Thomas?"

"Why?" It was a knee-jerk response. I was a guy and while Clyde was basically a girl he still had a penis and he wasn't supposed to ask me stuff like that.

"You just always smile when you talk about him. You don't do that with Tweek or anyone else."

I took a cigarette out of my pocket and pushed the nachos towards Clyde.

"Craig?" He asked.

I hopped off of his hood. "I have to go." I said tersely.

"I can give you a ride." He called out.

I just flipped him off without turning around. Maybe I did love Thomas but the first person that should know is sure as hell not Clyde. I tugged at my jacket a little. I may have felt obliged to show up but that doesn't mean I have to stick around.