Song: Everything We Had by The Academy Is...
Lyrics belong to The Academy Is... and recognizable characters and HP-verse belong to Rowling.
He was in love with her from the first moment he saw her.
She deserved the world; he would've gladly given it to her if he could've.
But he couldn't.
He knew he fell far short of everything she deserved.
Things were falling apart.
You were the only face I'd ever known
I was the light from the lamp on the floor
And only as bright as you wanted me to be
At school they were perfect. Within the walls of Hogwarts, there was not a war being waged. There was no death, no pain to worry about.
There was just him and her beneath his bed covers in an empty dormitory.
Once they left, things were different. They fought; they yelled and he turned to dank and hollow pubs to forget their arguments.
And as more drinks were served, there were more girls that grabbed his notice.
They couldn't compare. They had not a chance of being her. But he won those girls over none the less; he got invitations into their beds for a night all the while she waited at home for him.
He didn't deserve her.
He knew it; he knew it all too well.
But I am no gentleman
I can be a prick
And I do regret more than I admit
Their demise took place years upon years ago.
He had been drunk; his head had been killing him. He hardly understood what was going on as he struggled to free himself from the tangle of bed sheets. He had ignored the nameless girl in the corner who embarrassedly rushed to put on her clothes.
"Babe, w-wait." The words had drunkenly spilled from his lips as he stumbled out of their bedroom and after her. "Jus—just w-w-wait." he had slurred, blinking hard after every word to still the pounding of his head.
She had stopped with her hand on the doorknob of their apartment.
"I should've expected this from you." she had muttered.
"Babe—"
She spun on her heel to face him; her face had been contoured with anger.
"Don't call me 'babe,' Sirius." she had snapped as she shook her head, ginger curls sent bouncing about.
He had winced; her voice had been loud and shrill on his ears. He had needed her to stay for a moment so he could explain. He had just needed her to stop speaking so loudly and let him clear his head for a moment; everything was so hazy and the room was spinning.
"I even knew that—" she had bitten her lip and pulled her eyes off of him. She was trying so hard to be strong; he had recognized that despite the drunken haze that covered his mind. "Don't call me that when you have another girl in your bed."
"I—"
"It's not even the first time, is it?" she had accused loudly.
"Liv, j-just calm down—"
"No! I will not calm down! I've been wasting my life with you!"
"Olivia, just shut up—"
"Just fucking tell me! Was it the first time?"
Merlin, he had just wanted her to be quiet. But she would not. She would not stop and she had just been standing there, staring at him as if he was the scum of the world and…and…
And he had been drunk.
And he had been angry.
And his head had been pounding.
And his chest had been hurting inexplicably.
And the gnawing feeling in his stomach would not go away.
And he had wanted her to be in pain like he was.
And there were a million reasons that were clear to him why he did, why he answered.
"No." his shoulders had slumped in defeat as he stared at her.
"Do you even know any of their names?"
"No."
"Do you regret them?"
"No."
The door slammed shut behind her.
Sirius went back to bed.
You have been followed
He had woken up the next morning to a cold and empty bed. It had taken him a moment before he realized what had happened the night before.
Scrambling, he had struggled out of bed and tried to find something to wear as his head pulsed angrily.
He knew there was only one place she could've been.
Moments later he had landed at Remus' front door and burst through the threshold.
Sirius was greeted by Remus holding out a steaming cup of tea to him.
"Where is she?" he asked knocking the drink out of Remus' hand. The cup hit the ground and shattered. The hot liquid spread across the floor as steam rose from the puddle.
"You can't do this to her, Sirius." Remus intoned quickly.
"Sod off, Moony! Where is she?" It was not Remus' decision what he could and couldn't do. What did he know anyway? Remus couldn't keep him away from her.
"I can't tell you."
"Look," Sirius let out a ragged breath. "I know I did something stupid but—"
"Sirius, she's had enough."
"No. No!" Sirius shook his head. It couldn't be true. "I'm in love with her, Remus! Stop playing protector and tell me where she is!"
"Oh, you're in love with her?" his friend scoffed incredulously. "You've got a bloody odd way of showing it!"
"I—I was drunk." he mumbled as his stomach churned shamefully.
"That's piss-poor excuse and you know it."
"Well, that's all I've got."
"Let her go, Sirius," Remus pleaded.
"Let her go, you say? Of course! Of course that's what you'd tell me to do! You've…you've been in love with her since we were first years! Of course you'd tell me to give her up! That's what you've been waiting for all of this time!" Sirius yelled at his friend.
"Don't act like all of this is my fault—like this has been one big master plan of mine. You messed up. You screwed her over. You picked those girls over her. You let her go."
"Shut up! Shut up! Tell me where she is!"
"I can't."
"Remus, please—"
"You're not good for her, Padfoot."
"And who are you to decide that? Who are you to keep me from telling her?"
"She told me to not let you find her."
"Of course she did! She wants to make this bloody difficult! She wants…she wants me to proof that I love her by fighting to find her! She wants to be chased!"
"Padfoot—"
"She's here, isn't she? What, is she hiding in your room?" He took quick strides to the closed door down the hall.
Trying the knob, he found it locked. "Olivia, please. I know you're there. Just open the door so I can talk to you. Please! Let me explain!" he cried, banging on the door again and again. "Liv! Come on! I need to— I need to explain!"
"You need to leave, Sirius." Remus' voice came softly at his back.
"No! Not until she opens the door!" he resumed banging loudly on the door. "Olivia! Olivia, open the door!"
"She needs you to let her go. For once, just think of her first."
He let out a strangled breath and rested his head against the closed door.
Whispering, he said, "Olivia, please. I love you. I don't…I don't think I can live without you. I know…I know I messed up but…please…"
There was no reply.
Back to same place I
Sat with you drink for drink
He was going mad. He was entirely sure of it.
Sirius began to guess where she would be; he tried to find her, knowing she wouldn't spend all of her time in Remus' flat.
Weeks passed and her scent had begun to fade from her things. Her pillow no longer smelled like her shampoo; the sheets were no longer filled with the scent of her skin.
He was dying without her. He was going mad. Everything seemed more hostile with her gone. The monsters in his mind were attacking him, telling him he couldn't be trusted, telling him he would hurt anyone who trusted him.
Finally, he found her.
In reality, he should've tried looking for her at the Leaky Cauldron first. It should've been the first place he thought of, but he didn't.
It had been weeks. He looked ragged and scraggly but he had found her.
The sight of her, shoulders slumped dismally, while she occupied a barstool sent his heart fluttering.
"Olivia."
He slid quietly onto the barstool next to her.
She didn't look at him but he knew she heard him.
Take the pain out of love
And then love won't exist
"I should've expected this from you." she murmured.
"Liv—"
"Why did you want to hurt me so much, Sirius? What did I do to you?" she asked as she swirled the fire whiskey in her glass.
"Nothing, I swear. You were—"
"Don't. Don't go there." she bit her lip. "I don't…I need you to stop, Sirius."
"I can't—"
"It hurts to see you. Don't you understand? I can't—"
He was losing her again. He found her and now he was letting her slip away. He had to make her remember, had to make her understand.
"Do you remember when—"
"Sirius." her voice was strict; he knew she didn't want him to continue, but she didn't make a move to leave. He continued on.
"Do you remember that night in the dormitory?"
"Sirius—"
Everything we had
She giggled as he placed a kiss on her neck.
"Sirius, stop it." she giggled still as he kissed her neck again and again.
"Alright, stop. Now. Honestly." she murmured with a smile on her face as she pushed him away. "You're supposed to be helping me study, not—" He had begun to lean toward her again and she held out her hand to stop him. His forehead hit the palm of her hand and she pushed him away again.
"I can't fail this Potions test tomorrow. Merlin knows you distract me in that class enough as it is."
"S'not my fault I can't help but want to kiss my girl." he murmured as he pulled the Potions book off of her lap and dumped it on the floor.
"Sirius!" she giggled, "Stop, seriously. I have to—"
"We're just going to take a little break, Liv." he whispered as he gentled leaned her down so she lay on his bed.
"Oh, just a little break?" she teased. "Really, Sirius—" He silenced her with a kiss.
"I don't—"
He placed a quick peck on her lips.
"Have—"
Another.
"Time—"
Another.
"For—"
He moved to straddle her waist as he pressed his lips against hers. Beneath his hands, the quilt on his bed was soft and warm with the heat radiating off of her.
He pulled away from her for a moment to breathe.
Opening her eyes slowly, she smiled at him as he leaned above her.
"So maybe I have a little time to spare…" she smiled as she sat up quickly and knocked him back against his own sheets. She straddled him this time, her brown hair falling down around her face as he stared up at her.
Their lips embraced again and again as the warmth of her mouth filled him and made his heart flutter inconceivably fast.
And then he knew.
He knew he lov—
Everything we had
"Stop—"
"Do you remember it, Liv? I do. It's all I can think about."
Everything we had
"Olivia?" his voice echoed in the empty lavatory.
He heard a sniffle behind the locked stall door.
"Liv, what's wrong? Are you…are you okay?"
"Y-yes." her voice cracked. "I-I'm fine.
"You're lying."
"I'm fine, really. I promise."
"Liv."
"Really," another sniffle came from behind the door. "Nothing's wrong. Just go to dinner. What are you doing in the girls' lavatory anyway?" she let out a forced little giggle that was painful on his ears.
"Liv…" he whispered, leaning his head against the door of the stall. "I thought you were over him."
"Oh," she let out a light, tingling laugh. "I am."
"You're sitting in a lavatory stall, crying. I find it a little hard to believe you're over the arse. What happened, Liv? You seemed fine and then he walks in—"
The door opened and she just looked at him. Piercing eyes that tore through him.
"He walked in with the girl he cheated on me with."
Sirius' jaw fell open. "You told us that—"
"Yes, I know what I told you. It's embarrassing." she shook her head, "I didn't…I didn't want anyone to know."
"And why not? We would've taught him a lesson," Sirius moved toward her, trying to sling his arm around her shoulders. "for hurting our girl—" She shrugged out of his embrace.
"Yeah," she sighed as she sat down against the stone wall of the lavatory. "I know you would've."
"Liv…?"
"I don't care about him anymore; it's just…"
"Just what, Liv?"
"What did I do? What was…Why did do he not care enough to just end it? Why didn't he—"
"Because he's an arse. That's why. Because he never deserved to have you."
She rolled her eyes. "I know he's an arse. I always knew—"
"Then why would you waste three months with him?" Sirius asked as he sat down beside her.
She looked away.
"Olivia?" he asked quietly. "Why would you? If you knew…"
"I…Merlin, it's…it's stupid."
"Liv, come on." he said softly as he bumped his shoulder with hers. "What's—"
"I was trying to get over you."
"I—"
"Look, just forget I said anything, okay? I mean…I don't…I don't want things to get weird…I just…you asked," she sighed with a shrug, "You asked and so I had to tell you the truth. I've got a…a…well I've got a crush. And…and don't worry. I'll get over it soon enough so nothing has to change between us." she stood up quickly and tried to make her way out of the lavatory.
"Liv," Sirius reached out and grabbed her arm, pulling her back to him before she could get away. There was a faint blush tainting her cheeks. As he pulled her back to him, his senses were filled with the distinct smell of vanilla.
"Come on, Sirius," she murmured, trying to slip her arm out of his grasp, "Just forget it. It's…it's stupid—"
"No."
"No?"
"No, its…it's not stupid. No, I don't want to forget it. No, I don't not want things to change."
"Sirius—"
His lips were against hers in an instance. His fingers weaved their way into her soft hair, pulling her closer to him while her arms found their way to wrap around his neck.
And then she was gone, slipping out his grasp as she put a hand to her lips.
"I'm…I'm sorry." she murmured.
"Liv—"
"I can't."
"You can't? Liv, I…I don't…What do you mean?"
"I can't…I don't think I can—"
"You don't trust me."
"It's not that—"
"Liv, come on."
"Look, Sirius…I have…you date a new girl every week. And you…you expect me to believe that whatever we'd be would last longer than that? You expect me to believe that I'd be enough to hold your interest? I shouldn't have brought it up. I should've just—"
She was trying harder to get out of his grasp now.
"Liv!" She ignored him and struggled to break free. He pulled her into him tightly. His lips found her ear as he softly whispered into her hair, "I promise I will not be like him. I promise you can trust me. You know you can. I promise we'll be the best; we'll make them all so jealous."
Everything we had
The cold wind blew across Hogsmeade, blowing through them mercilessly.
She moved closer to him, burying herself into his side.
He could feel her shivering.
"Come on," he murmured, pressing a kiss onto the top of her head. "You're cold, let's go back—"
"No." she insisted, pulling him closer. "I promised we would go up to the Shrieking Shack—"
"You're nearly frozen stiff!" he exclaimed as he enclosed his fingers around hers. "You're going to become a popsicle."
"I'll be fine, as long as I have you here to keep me warm."
Is no longer there
"Yes, yes! I remember alright? What does it matter? Who cares if I can remember everything we once had? It doesn't matter anymore."
"It matters to me!"
"The only thing that matters to you is finding a girl to have wrapped in your sheets for another night."
"Olivia, that's not true!"
But it didn't matter. She had already turned on her heel and left him.
It was the only place I'd ever known
Turned off the light on my way out the door
He returned home alone. He was always alone.
Nothing was right without her.
James and Lily trusted him with their secret, but what if he left them down like he let Olivia down? What if he broke? What if he told?
He couldn't take the chance. He had to make Peter the Secret Keeper; Peter could be trusted. After everything that had happened with Remus, he was the last person Sirius would trust.
The apartment was empty of her things. One night he returned home to find all of her things gone. Her scent was renewed in the flat.
He wanted to cry. She wasn't coming back.
I will be watching wherever you go
Through the eyes of a fly on the wall
Anger was coursing through him. He had fucked up. He had picked the wrong person to trust. Peter had betrayed them all.
He had tried to make things right, had tried to make Peter pay, but where had that landed him?
You have been followed
Back to same place I
Sat with you drink for drink
He didn't do it. He didn't kill any of those muggles. It was Peter.
He wished he had been the one to kill Peter but the little rat had even taken that from him. The rat had taken his own life and took away Sirius' opportunity to do it.
Sirius wondered what she would think of him when she found out.
On top of finding out about James and Lily, would she think he was a murderer?
Would she think he was capable of it? When she sat alone at the Leaky Cauldron, would she think of him?
Take the pain out of love
And then love won't exist
Day after day, the pain never dulled.
The ache in him pulsed and pained.
He lost track of time; he lost track of the years.
Every day was just another without her; it was another he spent drowning in memories of what he had let go.
Everything we had
"You're so going down, Black!"
He scoffed loud enough to be heard by her, where ever she was. "I totally doubt that Liv—" and then he got smacked in the face with a cold, dripping snowball.
His skin tingled from the cold. He heard her laugh as he wiped the snow from his face.
"You deserved it," she giggled, "you know you did."
With no warning, he charged at her, knocked her to the ground and keeping her there by lying on top of her.
"What am I going to do with you, Miss Olivia?" he murmured as he brushed a strand of hair out of her face.
"You could—"
"I could do this." Then he dropped a pile of snow on her face.
Everything we had
He found himself sitting where he swore he would never go.
From across the tiny table, Olivia was watching him closely.
"You're uncomfortable—"
"'Course not." he lied as he shrugged his shoulders. "I love coming to Madam Puddifoot's…" he said as he absorbed the flying cherubs and mass amount of surrounding pink. "Favorite place to be in Hogsmeade."
She laughed at him, "We don't have to stay," she stood up.
"No, no." he reached out and grabbed her hand to make her sit back down. "You want to spend Valentine's Day here…we should. I promised we would."
"But you're uncom—"
"I'll get through it." he muttered with a smirk on his face as he rubbed his thumb against the back of her hand.
Everything we had
All he could pay attention to was the feeling of her warm skin underneath his as they became tangled in his sheets.
"Sirius." her voice was silky in his ear as he drowned in her vanilla scent. She moaned softly as his lips grazed his neck.
He had been here before. He had done this before with other girls. Ones that didn't matter to him anywhere near as much the girl in his arms.
He wasn't new at this; he had experience. But all the experience in the world didn't matter; he was shaking, she made him nervous. He wanted this to be perfect for her.
"Are you sure?" he muttered as his hands slipped down to her hips and slipped slightly under the hem of her shirt.
She didn't bother responding; she only began to unbutton his shirt. Grinning, he lifted the hem over her head and reattached his lips to her as he pulled the covers over them.
Everything we had
"Mrs. Sirius Black." he murmured quickly as he looked over at her.
She was bathed in the orange glow of the fireplace as she turned to look at him.
"What?" she laughed, the sound like bells.
"Mrs. Sirius Black."
"What are you talking about?" she said with a playful roll of her eyes.
"That's going to be your name one day." he promised.
Olivia only laughed and shook her head.
"You want to marry me?"
"One day." he agreed.
"Why would you wanna go do a silly thing like—"
He pressed his lips to hers to cut off her teasing. Her fingers were soft as he tangled their hands together.
"Because you're perfect and I want the world to know you're mine, Mrs. Olivia Black."
Is no longer there, longer there
He had done it. He had accomplished escaping the place where most people fade away. He was free. Well, he was as free as an escaped convict being chased by Ministry aurors could be. Which…really wasn't that free at all.
He should've left Britain immediately. He should've disappeared completely. But he couldn't. He couldn't help himself. He had to go to their flat. He had to.
The furniture was covered in sheets. A thick layer of dust covered everything else. No one had been inside for years. The only occupants had been spiders. He would admit, there had been a dim hope that he would enter his old flat and find her there, waiting for him.
Well, you saw for yourself
The way it played out
Scared to make a sound, he silently crept through the flat and down the hallway. He opened the door to the bedroom and went slowly to the bed.
Sirius lay down on the bed—on the right side, the left side was hers. It only took a few moments before the memories hit him.
He could see her clearly standing in the doorway. He remembered how his head thumped and the room spun as he struggled to get up to go after her.
Sirius had ruined everything, he knew he had. He remembered the look in her eyes when she asked about the others. And there had been others. Many others.
For you, I am blinded
For you, I am blinded
For you
The thought struck him quickly. Someone had been in the flat. Someone had thrown sheets over the furniture. Someone had made the bed.
He didn't even think about it as his hand reached out for the bedside table. The black box that was inside was gone.
Someone had the ring. He hoped it was her. If she had it, then there was a chance that she knew. Maybe she knew how much he cared.
I am no gentleman
I can be a prick
And I do regret more than I admit
He couldn't stay there forever. He had leave. He had to move on. They would come looking for him eventually; the aurors would look at their flat eventually. He wanted to stay, but he knew he couldn't.
You have been followed
Back to same place I
Sat with you drink for drink
Sirius didn't have much time. He disguised himself as well as he could. Sirius couldn't risk being caught, but he had to see her. He had to see her one more time; who knew when he would get another chance to.
Take the pain out of love
And then love won't exist
She sat in the Leaky Cauldron, fire whiskey in her hand. But unlike the last time, she wasn't alone. Remus sat to her left.
Sirius wondered how long it took Remus to make a move. Did he comfort Olivia when she cried about their relationship? Did he swoop in and play her knight in shining armor while he, the villain of the scenario, was led away in chains?
Sirius knew he had no right to be bitter. He knew it, but that didn't stop him.
Everything we had
"They hate me Sirius!"
"So? What does it matter?"
"They're your parents! They raised you! You have to care about what they think—"
"Honestly, I couldn't care less about what they think of you. It doesn't matter to me, Olivia. In fact, them disliking you, makes this even better in my eyes."
"So if they did like me, you'd dump me?"
"Liv, no! That's not what I'm saying."
"Then what are you saying? I don't understand. Your parents hate me—"
"It doesn't matter to me what they think!"
Everything we had
"I didn't really know how to explain." he murmured into her arm as she lay in his arms. Absentmindedly, his fingers traced swirls and patterns on her arm.
"You didn't want to tell me?" she whispered.
"No…no it's not that…I just…you have parents that love you…that would support you even if they disagreed with what you were doing. If they hated me, they would've pretended like they didn't because they knew you were happy…"
"Yours don't?"
"No. No, they don't. They…Liv, they're pure-blood snobs. They're Slytherins. They're everything I could never be and I…didn't know how to explain that my family is disgraceful and that my parents don't care about me and—"
"It doesn't matter." she said, twisting in his arms to face him. "Your family doesn't matter. It doesn't change how I feel about you."
Everything we had
They were seventh years.
She had been his for three years.
"I love you."
Olivia sat across from him in the library.
She was studying the potions they had to know for their test tomorrow.
He was studying her face and the way her hair kept falling into her eyes.
Her quill stopped scratching against her paper as she met his gaze.
"What?"
"Do you not believe me? It's…it's been three years…did you think I didn't?"
"Honestly…honestly I thought the word wasn't in your vocabulary." she said softly with a smile on her face.
"Well?"
"Well I love you too."
Everything we had
He knew what she was going to do an instant before she did.
Giggling, she reached out and shoved him hard into the lake but he was ready. He held onto her hand as he fell backward into the dark water of the Black Lake with him.
"Sirius Black!" she shrieked as she came to the surface. He only laughed at her, which earned him a splash in the face.
"It's not funny." she scolded as her teeth chattered. 'This water is freezing!"
"Liv," he said trying to catch his breath as he stayed about the water. "Come on…I think you look—" he reached out and pushed her wet, dripping hair out of her face, "—beautiful like this." he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her flush against him. "Absolutely beautiful."
Everything we had
"Sirius!" she giggled as her hands found their way up to his. "Where are we?"
"It's a surprise!"
"Sirius, come on." she groaned. "What are we doing?"
"Just…shhh."
He stopped moving as he positioned her in the middle of the room. "Okay," he murmured into her ear before kissing her cheek. "You can open now."
She stood in the middle of the apartment quickly for a moment. "What's…what's this?" she asked.
"It's…well it's uh…it's my flat. Well…I mean…it's mine for now…'cause I was, you know, wondering if you, ya know, wanted to move in with me. So this could be our flat…if, you know, you wanted."
She turned to face him slowly, almost incredulously; "You want to live with me?"
"Uh…yes?"
"You want to have to wake up to me in the morning?"
"Yes."
"Even though I'll look a mess."
"Yes."
"I…I just…" she stopped speaking as she turned on her heel. Promptly, she traveled down the hall to her left, exploring more of the flat.
After what seemed like forever as he stood shaking in the entrance way, she returned to him.
"Do you hate it? Is it too soon? I can…we can just forget I said anything. I mean—"
Her warm hand grasping his stopped his speech as she led him down the hall.
"Where are we going?" he muttered.
"We are going to christen our new bed in our new bedroom in our new flat."
Everything we had
"Lily looks beautiful." she murmured. "Can't believe they're getting married." Liv shook her head. "Well I mean of course I can believe it. They're…they're bloody perfect for each other."
"What's wrong Liv?" he asked quietly as they waited for James and Lily's wedding to begin. "What's bothering you?"
"Nothing, it's…it's foolish." she went to step away from him but he caught her hand.
"Liv, come on."
She sighed, her breath hitting his cheek. "How can they be so sure?"
"Sure about what?"
"That they'll…survive? They're getting married…they're cementing themselves to each other for all of time…but this is a war Sirius. What if one of them dies? Then…then the other will have that ring as a mockery for the rest of their life of what they lost and—"
"Liv, nothing is going to happen to them. James would never do anything to lose Lily and Lily would kick arse to protect James."
"But—"
"Nothing is going to happen to them and nothing is going to happen to us."
Everything we had
As soon as he passed through the doorway, the full force of her body hit him and propelled him backwards.
"I thought it was you." she whispered in a strangled voice. "I thought you were gone."
"Sh," he murmured as she began to shake in his arms. "I'm fine, Liv."
"What if I lost you? What would I have done?"
"It will never be me."
"You can't promise that. You can't. You don't know…one day…one day you could be out there and you could…die and I'd be left alone."
"I'll never leave you, Olivia."
"Do you swear?" she whispered.
He thought of the black box that was in his cloak pocket, waiting to be shown to her. "Yes, I promise."
I'll be with you wherever you go
Through the eyes of a fly on the wall
He watched her laugh at something Remus said. The sound was the same—the exact same sound of little bells tingling. His heart throbbed at the sound.
Her ginger curls still fell in a mess about her shoulders—looking as if she just got out of bed. Sirius tortured himself, wondering if it was Remus' bed she had gotten out of.
Olivia bit her lip while she listened to Remus; Sirius had to keep himself from catapulting himself across the dim barroom to her side. He missed her lips; what he would give to be able to kiss her again.
Olivia was his girl. His. Even after all of these years apart, he loved her and she would always be his in his mind.
His to love.
And his to lose.