Inspiration caused by Icon for Hire's ' The Grey' and while listening I immediately thought of Anders and knew I had to write a fic for him while listening to this song. Maybe it was because when she mentioned the Grey I thought of Grey Warden's, or maybe the song just goes well with Anders, who knows. Anyway, here goes nothing. Enjoy ^^
Bare with me for the first few pages, there is dialogue I swear ^^; Also this is not a song fic, just inspired by the song. :D
Kyo~
Disclaimer: I Do not own Dragon age, Bioware does. I also don't own Icon for Hire or their epic song. I only use the name of the song, I by no means own it.
The Grey
In your deepest pain,
in your weakest hour,
in your darkest night,
you are lovely. - Icon for Hire
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It wasn't as bad in the earlier years, Anders kept telling himself that.
He had believed that helping Justice had been for the best. To let his friend fade into nothing, when he had only been helping them in the fade and by accident got dragged out of his world into theirs, was cruel. So he figured it was playing back the debt to allow Justice into his body, to be a vessel for the spirit.
It hadn't be terrible at first, but in his own anger at the Templars, his own feelings on Mages being slaves to the rest of the world...it had warped his friend from Justice into Vengeance. He had little control over himself when Justice took over. He blacked out... sometimes completely.
It was growing worse. He was worried in what he would do in time. Would justice take his body over completely? Would there be nothing left of him when that happened? He already felt himself being lost to the spirit.
He had left behind the Warden's, left behind his friends, the Warden Commander, because he knew that they would be the ones to notice the most. His personality changed so much when Justice merged with him. He didn't regret helping his friend, he only wished there had been another way.
He further wondered if he'd been a fool to fall in love when he couldn't even claim his own body any longer.
Soon he wasn't even sure if he would be able to see past his own hate, his own personal vengeance. Would there be anything left of him or Justice then? What would this new spirit of Vengeance force him to do?
Justice made it clear to Anders when he first started feeling things for Hawke, that he disapproved. Warned him of the consequences of being with the fellow Mage. Anders hadn't listened one bit, now he wish he had.
He would rather die then hurt Hawke, and he had a feeling that soon he would hurt Hawke in ways that couldn't be undone. He tried hard to stay away, to be cold to his friend, to distance his heart and body from the one he loved. He should have known how impossible that was when Hawke wouldn't allow it. With how stubborn the fellow Mage was.
He pretended for his lover, pretended he wasn't afraid, that he wasn't losing himself to Vengeance. Pretended nothing was wrong. Hawke saw more then Anders gave him credit for. Hawke worried, Anders could tell by every look, every touch, that Hawke knew his struggles. Hawke offered him support regardless of the frustration, the anger, the changes in him.
He struggled with himself for years more, slowly losing himself to Vengeance, slowly losing Hawke and there was no way he could go back in time. No way he could stop what was happening to him. He tried desperately to find a way to reverse what he'd done merging with Justice, but he found nothing, and soon Vengeance made it impossible. Made him give in, give up trying to fight him. Soon there would be nothing left of him.
Eight years of being merged with Justice, Vengeance taking hold of his body, mind, and heart. He couldn't think straight any longer. Couldn't care about anything other then the plight of Mages, and the injustice. He struggled, he did, but it got him no where. Even hurting Hawke as he knew he was, he couldn't stop it.
All he wanted at this point was for it all to end. To be at peace. To be able to stop fighting control over himself. He wanted more then anything to be free.
How ironic that he wanted freedom for something other then Mages.
The painful choice, when he forced Hawke into helping him do something he shouldn't have. Helping him in something that would destroy not only Anders himself, but Hawke as well. He had no choice in the matter, Vengeance had taken control of his actions, he couldn't stop it from happening. He could barely tell Hawke that whatever happens that he shouldn't feel responsible, that it was all on his own head.
He could never tell Hawke he had lost himself at last. Hawke would do everything to help him, that was why he never told him. He didn't want to lose Hawke, but neither could he allow Hawke to risk his own life, to help something he had done to himself. It was his own choice, his own mistakes that weighed on him now, nothing could be done about it.
He just wished he'd had a little more time to say goodbye. Goodbye to his friends, the Warden Commander who had stood up for him, who gave him his freedom, who fought for him when no one else would. Who had given him the only happiness he had ever had. A ray of happiness in times too dark to hope.
The drunken dwarf Oghren, who despite his roughness had made him enjoy spending what time he had in the Wardens. To Nathaniel, they hadn't gotten along at the best of times, but he had never condemned him either.
He wished he could also say his goodbye's to Varric, who had befriended him as easily as the Warden Commander had, he never cared about him being a Mage, being an Apostate, being possessed by a spirit. He had gave him a chance to be normal for once, and for that Anders was grateful.
To Hawke, he wasn't sure if he could ever say goodbye, he was sure he never wanted to. However perhaps it would have been better had they never met. He would have saved them both the pain.
The joy of loving Hawke was worth the pain however. He couldn't regret their meeting, for that meeting had changed his life forever. He had those moments with Hawke, he had those memories, and they were the only thing that kept him from falling completely.
And it all came down today, as he sat with his back to his friends, his lover, and waited for judgment, for the peace of death he knew was coming. He didn't even have the energy after all Vengeance had done, after all his sins, after everything, to listen to what his friends were saying, deciding to end his life no doubt after his blowing up the Chantry. Vengeance had thought it right, Anders knew it was wrong. But he was helpless to change fate now.
He bowed his head low, remembering better times. The first time meeting the Grey Warden Commander, Darrian. Remembering the fun he had with the Warden's and the Commander, remembered the kindness, and friendship.
He then remembered first meeting Hawke, remembered Hawke's touch, his kiss, and their shared love.
He remembered better times, for it was all he had left. He was almost relieved that Hawke would be the one to end this suffering, this torment for him.
It was better him then another. Better to feel death given by someone he loved then one he hated.
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" He deserves death, for what he's done. He's a murderer." Sebastian hissed crystal eyes narrowed in rage, pain, hate. Hawke's eyes purposely locked on his, the Archer knew damn well he and Anders were lovers, yet he was suggesting he kill him? Despite what Anders did...killing all in the Chantry, the Grand Cleric...Sebastian had every right to be furious, to want revenge, however it was wrong, he was wrong.
" Is this what Elthina would have wanted Sebastian? You to seek revenge? She knew damn well this would happen, we warned her of it, and she stayed. She went against your seeking revenge for your parents from the start, do you think she would be pleased with you trying to avenge her?" Hawke hissed back in his own anger, and panic. A lot of panic, but he would be damned if he let them all see it.
Sebastian's anger could be felt, he stepped up pressing his armor into Hawke's own, almost painfully, face inches away, eyes narrowed. Hawke knew right then...at that moment with clarity, that the brother, the friend, he had known before, was gone. To far did his anger, his rage, go. There was nothing of his friend left in his eyes. Hawke felt a great loss take him, he felt like his heart had been ripped out. He had no time to mourn his friend's loss, not yet. If they survived perhaps.
" You will kill this monster, or I will take my vengeance on Kirkwall on all these Mages, you included." Hawke tried not to, but he flinched hard.
" No. I will not do this. I will not kill him. Not for you, not for anyone." He deliberately looked around his companions, all except Merrill had given him no option but to kill Anders.
" It is not because he is my friend that I say this, not because I support Mages that I say no, it is because it is wrong to kill him here, for your revenge, to avenge the Grand Cleric of the damned chantry. Who would have beenfurious had she seen this. You may turn your back on friendship so easily Prince Vael, but I will not." Hawke snapped the last. Sebastian's anger rose, he glared fiercely at his once friend.
" I will be back, have no doubt Hawke." He turned and left without another word. The Archer knew he stood no chance against him alone, he would return...with reinforcements. Hawke needed to end this now, and then get as far away as possible from Kirkwall, he had no doubt Sebastian would do what he promised he would.
Hawke's mind flashed back to all the memories of his once friend, he felt a block of ice replace his heart. He would regret, mourn that loss, at another time. He had to steel himself. He turned to face his other companions. His amber eyes hard.
" Be my guest to join him any of you. My decision stands. I stand with the Mages, and if any of you lay a hand on him," He motioned toward Anders.
" I'll kill you myself." Hawke said eyes as serious as ever, the threat stood, and he meant it. It would kill him as surely as their betrayal would, but he would do it. They all saw it in his eyes.
" I'm with you Hawke." Varric commented stepping forward. Merrill hurriedly came to Hawke's side, her hand on his arm to show her support, support he always had from her.
" I don't approve, and I hope you know what your doing, but I'm with you." Aveline said with a nod.
" What the hell, I have nothing against Anders." Isabela said with a shrug. All eyes then went to their last companion, jade eyes locking on amber.
" I trust you Hawke, I don't trust your decision to keep the Abomination alive or help Mages, but I trust you." That was all he would get from Fenris, so Hawke nodded, a little bit of tension leaving him.
Finally his eyes turned to his lover, the man sitting on the stone block behind him, head bowed as if waiting for a stab in the back, as if he hadn't heard a word they had spoken. His head felt fuzzy as he walked up from behind his friend. He pressed his hands to his lovers shoulders, feeling the fellow Mage tense up all over, Hawke leaned his face forward and buried his face in his blond hair. He felt grief unlike any before, stronger then everything else that had stricken him.
His mother always told him how much it hurt her to lose her husband, his father to death. How much love hurt, how much trouble it was, how much she wondered if it had been worth it to start.
You'll get hurt in the end love, I ask you never find it, but at the same time I hope you do. Love will break you at the same time it strengths you.
His mother warned him of this long ago. He had never thought at that point he would ever fall in love, let alone with another Mage, let alone another male. Yet the foolish fellow Mage had taken him by surprise and left him confused, bewildered, and smitten.
He wasn't a fool, he realized his lover was falling into darkness, knew the spirit that possessed him was slowly taking over, knew that soon there would be little left of the man he had loved. He realized that Anders kindness, his jokes, his good nature, would be lost. Hawke stood with him however, knowing nothing good would come of it, knew in the end lied only pain and grief, yet he would not leave Anders to this fate, never leave him to deal with this alone.
If he could end his suffering, he would. Hawke however was a selfish man when it came to his lover. He couldn't kill him, even if he knew it was for the best, to end Anders pain. There was so little left of Anders anymore, yet he would be damned if he didn't try his best. He wouldn't leave him, wouldn't let him live a life feeling like he was losing himself slowly, whatever time was left, he would stay with him. Even if death took them both in the end.
He pressed his face further in his lovers blond hair, he smelt like Elfroot, fur, and the fire that he kept to heat the clinic. He smelt like home.
" Join me in this fight." He said against his hair, feeling Anders stiffen further, whether in surprise, or something else, Hawke wasn't sure.
" Kill me Hawke." He pleaded instead.
" There is so little of me left in here." He touched his chest, brushing Hawke's hands that had went lower to hold him close. His voice was trembling, laced with uncertainly, fear, and below all it...was hope. It was the last that kept Hawke's fire burning, kept from falling himself.
" I did this...I...I black out so much now. I never know what I do, I could hurt you, I killed so many people Hawke. I can't do this anymore. Vengeance won't let me have peace. End it for me. Please." He begged him, his voice strained. Hawke sighed against his hair, he let go, watching Anders tense in shock, no doubt thinking he had won the argument and Hawke would finally kill him. Hawke however walked around his lover and knelt in front of him. He put his hands on Anders face, and made the fellow Mage look into his eyes.
" No. You will live and you will fight this for as long as you can. I will not lose you to this Anders. You will not fall into this, you will not be weak. You have always been strong, and you will not fail in this." Hawke warned. Anders stared at him somewhat surprised but more hopeless.
" Hawke, I've tried.." Hawke cut him off, he pressed his mouth to his hard, cutting open Anders lips and his own, their blood mingling in Anders mouth as Hawke kissed him hard, harder then he ever had before, it did it's job though, it was a wake up call, and it worked. When Hawke pulled back his eyes were fierce.
" I won't give you up Anders, and you sure the hell won't give up either." He warned. Anders eyes were pained but he nodded. Determination filled Anders eyes, to right his wrongs. Hawke gave him that strength. He would no longer fight Hawke, no longer distance himself, he would fight for his sanity, for his own body. He would fight Vengeance. He maybe fighting a hopeless battle, but he sure as hell wouldn't submit easily. Not when he had Hawke to give him strength.
" We need to get to the Gallows." Anders said with a jerky nod to Hawke. His lovers eyes blazed, and he nodded in turn.
" Let's go." Hawke said to their other companions.
For better or worse Anders was jumping into the unknown. Wasn't that just like him thought? Fighting against impossible chances? He had escaped the circle seven times, and countless failed attempts had not deterred him either. Not even a year of solitary confinement had stopped him from escaping again.
Where had that determination gone he wondered?
He refused to submit to anyone before, and now would not be any different he wouldn't summit again, he refused to, not even to Vengeance.
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End:
This is ridiculously short, I've rarely written anything this short seriously, but I felt If I added more it would lessen what I wrote already. There could be more to this, maybe a sequel who knows, but I felt like I had to write this. Not only after hearing Icon for Hire's song, 'The Grey' but because Sebastian forced my hand to kill Anders the first time and it had been the hardest decision to make. I felt furious at Sebastian, so I wanted to make up for it by writing this. That and truly I see the struggle of Anders, he's fighting, and losing himself.
I look to the way he was in Awakening, to how he is at the end of the game, and see how much he's changed with Justice inside. I wanted to share that through words here, you know how it is when you feel the need to write something regardless of it being obvious lol.
Why did I write Male Hawke and Not Female? I'm not sure...I guess I just like Male Hawke better. I mean there's something more intense, true, powerful, with Male Hawke. Or maybe that's just how I feel, regardless that's the reason. Sorry if you don't like Male on Male here.
Hope you enjoyed it. Review for me and go listen to that song! It's epic as crap, and what's quoted up top, is my favorite part in the song. I'm not sure why, it just inspires me somehow. So hope you enjoyed. :D
Any questions? Comments? Complaints? WTF'S? If so review for me! ^^
Kyo~