The Pecking Order
A fragment of "The Last Kenpachi"
Humor/Friendship
Ikkaku, Yumichika, Renji and a little Yachiru (cameos by Aramaki and Kenpachi)
Language, violence, gore and irresponsible alcohol consumption (Hey, it's Eleventh!)
Whether among packs of wolves or bands of warriors the hierarchy is no random occurrence. One's rank is not arbitrary. It is earned. Renji Abarai is about to learn why the Eleventh Division of the Gotei 13 is no exception.
A/N: This story takes place before the main Bleach storyline shortly after Renji transferred from Squad Five to Squad Eleven and began training with Ikkaku.
Ikkaku Madarame dribbled the last drops of sake into his cup and casually tossed the empty bottle over his shoulder. Reclining beneath the plum tree in the inner courtyard of the Eleventh Division, the Third-seat toasted the waxing crescent moon rising into the ebbing twilight over the roof of the Captain's office. "Perfect end to a perfect day-off!" he thought to himself as he emptied his drink. Ikkaku closed hid eyes for a moment, basking in his contentment as he listened to the familiar raucous din of evening at the Eleventh: men laughing, men arguing, men cursing, men fighting – often all at once. "Good ta' be home," he muttered lazily to no one in particular. He had no mission to perform. His morning in the Rukon had proved one stroke of luck after another. He had no duties until the next day. "The Brat" wasn't chewing on his head. He had sake. Nothing to ruin the evening and nothing to do but relax and wait for…
"I hope you don't plan to leave that bottle there for the Captain to see in the morning. It hardly makes an attractive lawn ornament!"
… Yumichika Ayasegawa, his oldest friend. Ikkaku cocked his head and opened one eye, then winced, at the beautiful (just no other word for it unfortunately) Shinigami languishing in a flamboyantly exaggerated posture against the trunk of the plum tree. "Aramaki'll get it in the morning. Now quit posing and sit down before some drunk mistakes you for a woman and asks you on a date. Again. What took you so long? We left the bath house over half an hour ago." Ikkaku had returned from the Rukon in time to join his friend for dinner in the common mess hall, and then the two retreated to the bath house to relax and catch-up briefly on the day's events before agreeing to meet later for drinks.
Yumichika huffed and sat, but continued to pose, now dangling a bottle of sake by a string around its neck in front if Ikkaku's face while proffering two cups in his other hand. "What, getting worried now that your bottle is empty, or did you just miss me? And some men actually take pride in their appearance. Unlike some people I don't simply throw on –" he eyed Ikkaku suspiciously "- what I hope is a clean uniform, shine their head, and rush out the door."
Ikkaku ignored the jab and held up a sack that he'd set by his side at the base of the tree. "Who says I'm worried?" He opened the sack to reveal six more bottles of sake.
Yumichika raise an eyebrow is surprise. "Where'd you get all that?"
Ikkaku just grinned as he opened another bottle. "I told you Igot lucky today! Now put that swill away and try some of this, he said filling his own cup and reaching for one of Yumichika's.
"This isn't 'swill!" Yumichika protested, "This is the same sake I always buy in the market in Junrinan – you brought your own cup? And here I expected you to be guzzling from the bottle. At least some of my manners have rubbed off on you." Ikkaku filled his cup and he took a dainty sip. "Mmmmmm, this is good! Where did you get this? And how could you afford so much? I thought you only won three- thousand kan in that back-alley dice game." The single bottle of "the good sake" he'd bought in Junrinan had cost nearly eighteen-hundred kan.
"You're right. But I didn't buy the sake, it was a reward! For being heroic! And from now on we're getting our sake from Hokutan." Ikkaku drained his cup and refilled it. "Like I said, I got lucky!"
"You can't have gotten too lucky if your evening ends drinking under this tree with me," Yumichika smirked, "Still, good job on the sake! This is really surprisingly good. And you say you found this in the mountains?"
"Wha-? No Mt. Koifushi is in the north of Hokutan. There's a village in the southwest, Eighth Ward, almost into Sixth District. Nichibotsu's wine shop is in the middle of the west side of the market." Ikkaku passed the bottle to Yumichika who was gazing at his upturned, empty cup with an exaggerated pout. "And as far as 'getting lucky' goes, I'm meeting Kozue Nichibotsu next Tuesday night after I get off duty."
"Ah, one-stop sake and romance! So where does the 'heroic' part figure into it?" Yumichika asked as he refilled his cup. "Wait, maybe it's best you start at the beginning. You didn't say much about it at dinner, and I didn't catch everything you said in the bath house. You mentioned something about a girl at a bar and fighting a Kuchiki noble."
"That's 'cause you had soap in your ears 'cause you were still washing your hair while I was already in the bath."
"That was cream rinse! I'd never wash my hair with soap like Zaraki!" Yumichika sputtered, almost choking on his sake.
Ikkaku laughed at his friend's indignation. "Whatever." He finished his drink and beckoned for the bottle. "Okay, this morning I went up to Hokutan because I found out about this early-morning dice game running out of the back of a barber shop in the east end of the Eighth ward – "
"Which you discovered one morning while getting a haircut?" Yumichika teased.
Ikkaku ignored the interruption "– where I gambled five kan up to fifty and decided to quit while I was ahead. I figured I'd invest my winnings in looking for some real fun!"
"There's a brothel in Hokutan open at that hour?" Yumichika was on a roll.
"No, smart-ass, there's a bar near the east end of the market called Kowareta Doa that's open from whenever the owner wakes up 'til whenever he gets tired and kicks everybody out. I figured that'd be my best bet to find somebody to fight that early in the morning." As if on cue, a fight broke out in the officers' quarters behind them. "Hey! Shut the hell up!" Ikkaku shouted, "I'm tellin' a story out here, so fight more quietly, goddammit!" Ikkaku drank another cup and immediately refilled it.
The fight got louder. "Bastards." Ikkaku grumbled and took another drink. "I ought' a go in there an' bash their heads together an' teach 'em some respect, but it's my day off." Instead Ikkaku got louder as well. "Anyway I was – wait where was I?"
Yumichika was now beginning to suspect the potency of the sake they were sharing and, aware that Ikkaku already had a full bottle in him, decided that his friend was apt to prove rather amusing this evening, whether he intended it or not. "You were about to pass me that bottle and tell me about your fight with some Kuchiki noble in a bar in Hokutan."
Ikkaku topped off his cup and surrendered the sake (what the hell he had five more bottles) before continuing to half-shout his story over the din from the fight. "Yeah, but first he wasn't a Kuchiki – he was some lesser noble in service to the Kuchiki clan, who thought he was big shit. Big, bulky guy, named 'Kinpouge' or something, but his reiatsu was shit, so I guess he was a 'big shit' after all."
Yumichika chuckled at the "Kinpouge" (Buttercup) nickname. "Well he certainly sounds ugly. Are you sure that's his name?" Sipping his sake daintily, he made a mental note to anticipate the possibility of some cowardly, back-handed retribution from the offended noble. Ikkaku's reckless bravado left no room for thought of the long-term consequences of a fight. Fortunately, Yumichika had always been wily enough for both of them.
"Might' a been Kumagai or something. Eh, his name ain't worth knowing, but I bet he'll remember mine now. Second thing is I never made it to the bar. See, there was this girl – "
"Ah! And that's where the trouble begins!" Yumichika interrupted.
"Wha? No – well sort' a, yeah. See this tiny girl carrying this big crate overloaded with jugs of sake was headed to the bar to make a delivery when 'Kinpouge' runs into her an' knocks a bottle off the crate. Then he starts yellin' at the girl like it's her fault – an' she can barely hold up that big crate to begin with – 'cause his sandals got splashed when the bottle broke. So I figure he's all wound up anyway and he should be picking on someone more his size. Plus if I rescue the sake-girl from this bully maybe she'll be grateful, which would be a bonus. Anyway he's yellin' about 'how dare you treat a representative of the Kuchiki household staff with disrespect?!' an' all that bullshit. So I went up an' grabbed him an' spun him around and said I doubted Byakuya Kuchiki would want anybody claiming to 'represent' him by picking on girls half his size. Then, like I figured, he got all 'How-dare-you?' an' 'who do you think you are to butt in to my affairs?' So I got right up in his face an' said, 'Ikkaku Madarame, Third-seat of Squad Eleven. I think everyone deserves to know the name of the guy who' – " The fight in the Officers' quarter came to an abrupt end with a loud 'crack' and a wail of pain. And a few laughs. It was the 'crack' rather than the wail that caught Ikkaku's attention. "That sounded like a roof support post" he frowned.
"Maybe they've just knocked their own heads together to save you the trouble," Yumichika offered.
"Ya' broke it! Nice job tough guy!" someone shouted from inside the building.
"They better not've broken it!" Ikkaku growled.
"It ain't broke!" another man protested. "Yaooow!"
"Is so, idiot!" came a third voice, "there's a bone stickin' out!"
"Dammit don't touch it!"
"That sounds like Fourteenth-seat Uchimura," Yumichika observed.
"Oh, 'Beaky,' well then it's okay," Ikkaku relaxed, using Yachiru's nickname for Uchimura (a reference to his long, thin nose). "He can't take out a roof support in one blow. Sounds like he won't be hitting anything for a while. Jackass. Hey, pass me that bottle."
"It's almost empty," Yumichika advised as he handed Ikkaku the sake.
"Already?!" Ikkaku filed his cup, drank it, emptied the bottle down his throat, and then tossed the bottle over his shoulder. "Another dead soldier. Better call in reinforcements," he declared pulling the third bottle from his sack. Filling his cup once again he passed the new bottle to his friend and continued his story. "So anyway, 'Kinpouge' swings what I assume is supposed to be a punch. I grab his fist, twist him into a joint lock, and suddenly he's kneeling in the dirt with me behind him threatening to tear his arm off and beat him to death with the wet end. Next thing ya' know this little Shinigami woman comes out' a nowhere an' punches him square in the side of the head! Now she's balling him out for 'disgracing the Kuchiki name' and 'what would Nii-sama say?' an' I just let him go at this point 'cuz she's really kicking the crap out'a the dumb bastard."
"Wait, 'Nii-sama?' Captain Kuchiki has a sister?" Yumichika asked.
"Apparently, and get this: she starts apologizin' ta' me! This little Kuchiki noble – an by little I mean she only comes up to here," Ikkaku demonstrated by making a chopping motion at his breast-bone. "Said her name was 'Rukia Kuchiki' from Squad Thirteen. And the best part? She recognized me and addressed me as 'Third-seat Madarame-san! Even the Kuchiki's know my name!" Ikkaku had never thought much of the Nobles, considering them soft and weak, but he was clearly proud that they knew of his prowess and respected him.
"You do have quite a reputation…" Yumichika grinned and raised an eyebrow. Just then a shaft of light sliced the courtyard as the door to the Officers' quarters opened. Half a dozen Shinigami spilled out into the early autumn evening.
"Get yer' ass over to Fourth and get patched-up!" a burly Shinigami with a thick moustache ordered the injured officer. "An' Uchimura? You better pray your sword hand isn't permanently damaged or you can kiss Eleventh goodbye!"
"Yes sir, Sixth-seat Matsuda!" The wounded Fourteenth-seat walked slowly and alone to the much-derided, and much-dreaded, medical relief division.
Ikkaku nudged Yumichika and pointed to the tallest Shinigami in the group. "See that guy with the red hair an' tattoos? That's the guy I've been training at night these past couple weeks. He's getting pretty good too. I'm pretty confident he'll master shikai by winter."
Yumichika appraised the man. "You mean the red pineapple?" he asked, referring to his long hair tied in a spiky top-knot. "Well the tattoos are quite striking, in a barbaric sort of way, but he really should do something different with his hair. Nice of you to give him the evening off."
Ikkaku chuckled at the 'red pineapple' comment, "Don't let Yachiru hear you call him that or he'll be as screwed as the rest of us! I have the night off so he gets the night off too. I'll just work him twice as hard tomorrow. Hey, Renji!" Ikkaku called to his new protégé, "come on over an' have a drink with us!"
The younger man turned to the two senior officers seated beneath the plum tree and jogged toward them enthusiastically. Perhaps it was because he came from one of the poorest districts of the Rukon that Renji never passed up a free meal or a free drink, but he was also happy to get a chance to socialize with the senior officers of his new squad.
He immediately recognized Ikkaku, the bald man with the red war-paint on his eyes sprawled out under the tree like the "King of the Courtyard." Half of the Seireitei knew Ikkaku Madarame. He was probably the only Third-seat that members of other divisions knew by name besides their own Third-seat: the only Third-seat officer who could probably beat most Lieutenants in a fair fight. And the ones who couldn't name him thought he was the Lieutenant of Squad Eleven. The main reason Renji wanted to join Squad Eleven was to have a chance to train under Ikkaku.
He'd never spoken to the "pretty" man reclining to Ikkaku's left, though he knew the name 'Yumichika,' and that he was Ikkaku's friend. He spent a lot of his time in the office or outside the Division on business. And he also knew from the one time he'd seen him sparring in the dojo that, despite his delicate appearance, he was fast, agile, precise and freaking ruthless. Renji had begun wondering if Yumichika weren't really a spy from the Stealth Force.
"Hey Aramaki?" Ikkaku called out to one of the officers in the group with a pencil-thin moustache.
"Huh? Yes sir?" the Tenth-seat looked up expectantly as the remaining officers dispersed, hoping for an invitation to share the sake.
"Make sure you have a detail clean-up this courtyard before the Captain sees it. Some slob's been leaving empty bottles all over the place."
"Uh, yes sir, Third-seat Madarame, I'll be sure to get that taken care of," the Tenth-seat responded before returning to the Officers' quarters disappointed.
"Good evening, sensei. How was your day off?" Renji greeted as he joined the pair under the tree.
"Great! I was just telling Yumichika… Oh, Eighth-seat Abarai, this is Fifth-seat Yumichika Ayasegawa, Yumichika, Renji Abarai. Now where's that other cup?" Yumichika retrieved the unused third cup and passed it to Renji then proceeded to fill it, then his own, before passing the bottle back to Ikkaku. "There, try some of that an' tell me it ain't the best sake you've ever had!"
Renji took a sip. "Mmmmm! This is excellent! Must be expensive!"
"Not really," Ikkaku replied, refilling his cup. "In fact, for me it was free!"
"Abarai…" Yumichika mused, "Ah, yes I remember signing your transfer orders, you're from Fifth. Kept getting in trouble for fighting over there, so Captain Aizen felt you'd be a better fit in Eleventh."
Renji almost choked on his sake. "Wait… you signed my transfer? But only a Captain can approve a transfer!"
"Oh, relax; I do it all the time. Captain Zaraki has no patience for paperwork, so I get stuck with most of it. I've gotten very good at forging his signature. I do Lieutenant Kusajishi's paperwork as well for that matter, though I can't forge her signature and she likes to illustrate the interesting reports herself. I only bother the Captain with maters that concern him directly or might be of interest to him. It's a lot of extra work, but it leaves me in the enviable position of controlling all purchasing and requisitions for the whole division. Someone has to keep things running smoothly."
"Yeah, don't worry about it. Your transfer is official. Zaraki approved it." Noticing Renji's cup was empty Ikkaku reached over to refill it. "Here, drink up! I got plenty more!" He indicated the sack containing the four remaining bottles. "I even remember him laughing about it. He said something like 'He'll fit right in. In Squad Eleven you only get in trouble for NOT fighting!' So whadda' ya' think, doesn't this beat sipping tea with Captain Aizen in Squad Five?"
"Thank you, Madarame-san! Yeah, this sure beats tea!"
"Hey knock-off the 'Madarame-san' crap. We're off duty. We're just three guys from Squad Eleven havin' a drink, so save all that formal bullshit. I'm 'Ikkaku' an' he's 'Yumichika'-"
"Who needs a refill?" Yumichika added, holding out his cup. Ikkaku obliged, and then topped off his own cup. "By the way, Renji, I'm curious: is your hair naturally that color?"
"Eh? Uh, yeah. Why?" Renji asked cautiously, anticipating a dig at his very red hair.
"Oh, I don't mean it as a criticism. I was just observing that your distinctive looks are somewhat conspicuous among our ranks. Yachiru is bound to notice."
"What, you mean Lt. Kusajishi? Is that a bad thing?"
"Oh yeah! You don't want that! If she notices you, she might want to play with you. And if she gives you a nickname then you'll be as totally and permanently fucked as me an 'Feathers' here!" Ikkaku jerked a thumb at the red and yellow feathers affixed to Yumichika's right eye.-
"You tell him, 'Pachinko Ball'!" Yumichika returned in kind.
Renji stifled a chuckle at 'Pachinko Ball' and said, "Well I'm not really good with kids, but if it's the price I gotta' pay to stay in the Lieutenant's good graces, then I guess I could suck it up and play with her for a while…"
"No," Yumichika corrected, "he means she'll 'play with you' like a cat 'plays' with a mouse. It's really in your best interest not to draw her attention at all."
Renji was sure they were exaggerating – he'd seen Lt. Kusajishi and she was literally half his size. Hell, she still had all her baby teeth! But they both looked completely serious. Renji dismissed it as a joke and changed the subject to his empty cup. "This is really good sake," he said inverting his cup over his upturned head to conspicuously catch the last drop on his tongue, "How did you get this all for free?"
"Here, you're empty again! Don't stand on ceremony, just holler when you run out." Ikkaku passes the bottle to Renji. This sake comes from Nichibotsu's wine shop in the middle of the west side of the market in the Eighth Ward of Hokutan. Excellent sake at reasonable prices!"
"Free is always a reasonable price." Yumichika observed. "Now I know why they gave you all this: it's to pay you for the advertising!"
"I ain't 'advertising' I'm just recommending the best place I know to get sake!"
"Where they gave you sake for free…"
"Yeah. Lunch too. But that was a reward!"
"…and you're dating their daughter."
"Yeah, I'm seeing her Tuesday. But the recommendation is completely unsolicited."
"Even if it's pretty well bought and paid for," Yumichika concluded. "All I'm saying is that if you stumble home drunk Wednesday morning with 'Drink Nichibotsu's Sake' tattooed on the back of your head I won't be the least bit surprised." He held out his empty cup to Renji, "since you're the keeper of the 'excellent, reasonably-priced' sake at the moment, how about a refill?"
Renji poured as Ikkaku tried to refute Yumichika's point. "You're just confused because I never finished telling you what happened. Kozue's going out with me 'cuz I'm the big, strong Shinigami from Squad Eleven who stuck up for her sister an' scared that loudmouth shit out of their shop, not 'cuz I'm advertising for her family business – which I ain't!"
"Wait, I am confused. Kozue isn't the girl you defended outside the bar?" Yumichika questioned.
"What? No! That girl was way too young for me. Kind 'a reminded me of Lt. Kotetsu's little sister over in Thirteenth. Kozue's her sister. The sake-girl – I think her name was Mizuki or something - invited me back to her parents' shop after she delivered the sake to the bar - I'm getting ahead of myself here."
"So when you said earlier that you were hoping for a little 'gratitude' from the 'sake-girl'…?"
"I was talking about the sake! Right. Now you got it. I keep getting interrupted. Where did I leave off?"
"You were just about to commit mayhem upon the person of a lesser noble in a public market square for bullying a girl delivering sake when Captain Kuchiki's sister intervened and saved you from a reckless mistake that would probably led to your arrest and possible execution." Yumichika's overly-detailed (and somewhat editorialized) summary was mostly for Renji's benefit since he had missed the beginning of the story.
Renji had, until now, been taking advantage of his possession of the bottle to pass Yumichika and rapidly gain ground on catching-up to Ikkaku. But at the mention of 'Captain Kuchiki's sister' he perked-up. "Wait, you met Rukia?"
"Yeah," Ikkaku replied, "Why, you know her?"
"We grew up together in Inuzuri!" Renji exclaimed. " I haven't seen her since the Academy."
"You gotta' be thinking of a different Rukia. This girl was a Kuchiki, not some street kid from the 78th District."
"Same girl!" Renji insisted. "Byakuya Kuchiki adopted her and made her his sister."
The other men exchanged puzzled glances. "Ya' know, come to think of it, that Rukia didn't seem to have a stick up her ass like most nobles. She kind 'a acted like regular people. A Kuchiki from Inuzuri? I'll never understand nobles." Ikkaku downed another cup.
"Why would the Lord of one of the four Great Noble Houses adopted a commoner from so far out in the Rukon?" Yumichika asked?
"No idea." Renji said, a little sadly. Then diverting the topic from his too-long-absent friend, "Uh, this bottle's about empty…"
"Damn. This stuff goes fast!" Ikkaku muttered fishing in the sack for a full bottle, the forth, and passing it to Renji, who then poured them all another round. "Well here, give me that empty." As per "tradition" Ikkaku again pitched the empty bottle over his shoulder.
"Perhaps no one ever expected there'd be a Kenpachi from Zaraki of a Lieutenant from Kusajishi either?" Yumichika observed.
"If ya' think about it," Ikkaku countered, "someplace like Zaraki's exactly where you'd expect a Ken-"
There was a muffled cracking sound, followed by an angry shout: "Ow! Dammit! What son-of-a-bitch threw that?!" This from an un-seated Shinigami who just happened to be crossing the courtyard at the wrong moment.
"Lucky shot." Yumichika said under his breath.
"I did, recruit!" Ikkaku shouted back, not even bothering to look over his shoulder, "I was testing your reflexes, an' you're too slow. Next time dodge or catch it!"
The young recruit looked around, obviously ready for a fight, until he saw the three senior officers he was addressing. "Uh, yes sir, Third-seat Madarame, sir! I'll do better next time, sir!" He wasn't ready for that fight.
"One thing ya' gotta' know about Squad Eleven, Renji" Ikkaku advised, "It's a good idea to remind your subordinates who's in charge every so often. Otherwise you get a bunch of weak-ass punks challenging you for your seat all the time." Ikkaku emptied his cup in a gulp and Renji, who was happy to be in charge of the bottle, promptly refilled it. "Speaking of which, you did pretty good making Eighth-seat on your ranking trials.
Renji looked away, embarrasses. "Yeah, well, I was actually kind 'a disappointed in myself. I was Seventh-seat back in Squad Five…"
"Don't look at it like that" Ikkaku said. "That was Squad Five. You don't get promoted in Squad Eleven for neat handwriting or good table manners. You wanna' move up in this squad? Then you gotta' fight to prove you deserve a higher rank more than the guy who currently holds it. Being Eighth-seat in Squad Eleven is like being Fourth-seat in any other squad! We're just that much tougher, 'cuz we gotta' be! Squad Eleven has one job an' that's to fight harder than everybody else, an' we don't stop until the fight is done. You wouldn't even be here if you were any different." As Ikkaku finished he downed another cup of sake.
"Nice pep talk, 'coach.' You should slow down a bit with that sake. You're on duty in the morning," Yumichika warned.
"Thanks," Renji brightened a bit and refilled Ikkaku's cup. "About that… do we even have a Fourth-seat?
"Technically, that's him!" Ikkaku cocked his thumb at Yumichika.
"Don't call me that!" Yumichika snapped.
"Huh?" Renji was confused.
"It's an ugly number," Yumichika explained. Renji was no less confused. Yumichika sighed and continued. "Obviously three is the most beautiful number, but to be Third-seat I'd have to kill Ikkaku, and I like Ikkaku, so that's clearly out of the question." Renji was still confused.
Ikkaku tried to clarify, "By rights Yumi should be Fourth-seat, but he thinks the number four is ugly so he refused promotion past Fifth-seat."
"Because five looks more like three," Yumichika nodded.
Renji took another drink of sake. He couldn't figure out why Yumichika was worried about what four looked like since he wasn't wearing the number anywhere on his uniform, but the gap in the hierarchy made him realize something: "So if Fifth-seat is really Fourth-seat, then Sixth-seat Matsuda…"
"… Is really Fifth-seat, right! And Ota would be Sixth-seat, and so technically you'd be Seventh-seat, yeah. See, you did better than you thought!"
"Matsuda isn't Fifth-seat and he never will be! I am!" Yumichika protested. "Even if he challenged me – and he has – and defeated me – which he didn't – then he'd be Fourth-seat, and I'd still be Fifth-seat! Although I'd probably have to beat-up Ota once or twice to prove it, which would be tragic for him since he's ugly enough as it is. And my cup is empty."
"Oh, sorry!" Renji didn't want to 'neglect his duties' for fear of losing position of 'bottle-holder' but he had been too interested in this new revelation to notice. He poured another round for all of them, his precious bottle growing lighter.
"There hasn't been a Fourth-Seat in Squad Eleven since Captain Zaraki held that first seating trial a little after we joined the squad because no challenger has beaten either Yumichika or me in a challenge fight since!" Ikkaku bragged.
"Captain Zaraki initiated the seating challenges?" Renji asked, "I thought that had always been the tradition with Eleventh."
"Perhaps once, but apparently the previous Kenpachi just promoted whoever he liked, and when Kenpachi Zaraki replaced him he wasn't particularly interested in what rank anyone held," Yumichika explained. "Ultimately he decided that, since he was Captain by right of defeating his predecessor, it made sense to him to allow officers to advance by the same path. After all, anyone can challenge him for the title of Kenpachi at any time, though in all the time I've been here I've never seen anyone attempt that method of suicide."
"Poor Captain," Ikkaku shook his head, "nobody wants to fight him. Hell, me an' Yumi are practically the only ones who'll even spar with him."
"Okay, I think I get what you mean about officers in Eleventh ranking higher than their Seat," Renji emptied his cup and refilled it, this time remembering to top-off the other men's drinks as well, before continuing. "Still, its kind 'a unfair that Captain Zaraki made his daughter Lieutenant, otherwise we'd all advance two ranks…"
Ikkaku and Yumichika looked at each other and Renji immediately thought he'd touched on a sore spot. "Uh, I mean seriously, everyone knows Ikkaku would be a Lieutenant in any other squad, and then you'd be Third-seat, Yumichika!"
"I would never be in any other squad!" Ikkaku's tone held a menacing edge.
"Nor I," Yumichika added, sounding insulted at the mention of the thought.
Crap! Renji thought. He was digging himself deeper! "I mean, everybody knows you're the second strongest man in Squad Eleven after Kenpachi Zaraki himself! You train all the men. You already do the work of a Lieutenant. Between the two of you, you practically run the division! What sense does it make for the premier fighting division of the Gotei Thirteen to have a little girl for a Lieutenant?!"
Ikkaku and Yumichika exchanged a meaningful glance, Ikkaku nodded, and when they turned toward back to Renji they both wore the same grin, like he'd either uncovered a profound secret, or he'd said something completely foolish. Renji couldn't decide which. "There's a reason she's the Lieutenant," Ikkaku said finally.
"Second. Strongest. Man." Yumichika repeated ominously.
"What?..." Renji couldn't seem to process what he was saying. Then: "Noooooo. No way! That's impossible! She's just a little kid! There's no way she could ever be stronger than you!"
"Renji," Ikkaku downed another cup, "you just made the most common rookie mistake in Squad Eleven, an' yer' just lucky Yachiru wasn't around to hear you. Now listen closely 'cuz I'm about to save you from a world of pain!" Ikkaku held out his cup and Renji emptied the last of the bottle into it. "We finished another bottle already? Give me that." As before Ikkaku tossed the bottle far into the darkness behind him. "Ya' know who Tetsuzaemon Iba is?"
"Yeah, Lieutenant of Squad Seven under Captain Komamura, but what's that got to do with-"
"Caught it this time, sir!" came the voice of the recruit from before from somewhere behind them.
"Is that guy still there?" Yumichika asked. The three exchanged a puzzled look.
"That's better!" Ikkaku hollered, "Now get out 'a here before I throw my zanpakutō at ya'!" Retrieving another bottle Ikkaku continued his explanation, "Iba used to be in Squad Eleven. In fact, he was Fourth-seat when Yumichika and I first joined. Now he may be a chicken-shit for transferring out of Eleventh, but I gotta' give him credit for having the balls to ask what everyone was thinking, but no one wanted to ask. See, all Iba ever wanted was to be a Lieutenant like his mom before him, so one day he asked Captain Zaraki the same thing you just asked. So Kenpachi Zaraki showed us. He lined us all up down at one end of the training grounds and said, 'A Lieutenant has to be strong enough to fight by his Captain's side.' Then he walked clear down to the other end and drew two 'X's in the dirt with his zanpakutō in front of him and had Yachiru stand on one of the 'X's and said that anyone who thought they were strong enough to challenge Yachiru for the position of Lieutenant just needed to come over and stand on the other 'X.' So like a bunch of idiots the whole squad starts racing to the other end. And that's when Kenpachi Zaraki let it all go! An' this was before the eye-patch."
Renji just stared, not comprehending 'it' or the significance of the eye-patch. "His full reiatsu." Yumichika offered.
Ikkaku leaned in toward Renji, "You ever felt Captain Zaraki's spirit-pressure before?"
"Everybody in the Seireitei has! You can feel it for miles! Hell, the first time was when I was still in the Academy. The students all thought we were under attack! It felt like the buildings were coming apart! Hell, it felt like WE were coming apart! I've never felt anything like it. Nearly a hundred students had to be sent to Fourth Division for treatment. After it was over we asked the instructors and they said it was the Kenpachi looking for new recruits. I'd never even heard of the title." Renji suppressed a shudder at the memory. Kenpachi Zaraki's reiatsu hadn't made him feel like he was about to die – it felt like he had already died. Even for a Captain, Zaraki's reiatsu was absolutely insane!
"Okay," Ikkaku continued, "now imagine what it feels like facing-down that kind of reiatsu when it's focused right at you! He blew the back wall of the training grounds all to hell and took down a storage building and most of the unseated officer's bath house beyond that. Men went flying everywhere! Some were smashed up against the opposite wall – those guys he cut from the squad the same day. Most couldn't even stand. Any seated officer who didn't get back up lost their rank. For those of us who did – me, Yumichika, Iba an' a couple dozen others – it was like swimming up a tidal wave! The closer we got, the more men that fell. Even breathing was a work-out!"
Ikkaku paused for a drink and Yumichika picked-up the story. "And Kenpachi – picture this: there's this huge column of yellow reiatsu constantly pouring out of him, tearing a hole in the sky! The dust on the ground seems to be crawling away from him in fear! He even seemed to be scaring all the air away!" Yumichika paused for dramatic effect and lowered his voice like he was sharing a closely guarded secret. "And that's when we saw her: Yachiru was still standing there, right next to him!"
Renji was dumbfounded. "Little, tiny Yachiru… can withstand captain Zaraki's spirit-pressure?! How?!"
"Hah! 'Withstand' it? She seems to enjoy it! She was jumpin' up an' down an twirling around like a kid playing in a fountain!" Ikkaku corrected.
"I thought she was just happy that Kenpachi was finally giving her a chance to fight someone," Yumichika said.
Speechless, Renji just gulped down his sake and went to pour another, only to realize Ikkaku still had the bottle. "We got within ten paces of them and it was down to just me, Yumi and Tetsuzaemon. Then this skull – thirty feet tall – rose up out of the reiatsu behind Kenpachi! It was like we were staring at Death itself! That's when Iba went down. Then it was just Yumichika and me. We got to within a few steps. We were using our zanpakutō like canes to keep upright. Yumichika stumbled and went down on one knee, and then – and I'll never forget this," he looked over at Yumichika. "- instead of pushing himself back up, he pushed me forward! So I took those last few steps, and I stood on that 'X' and I looked Kenpachi Zaraki square in the eyes!"
Renji was just stunned by all this. Fortunately Ikkaku took this moment to open the fifth bottle and pour another round. "So… does that mean…" Renji hesitated, "you fought Yachiru?"
"What?!" Ikkaku almost choked mid-drink, "Fuck no! What kind of man do you think I am?! I'd never fight a little girl! I don't care how damn strong she is! Like I told Captain Zaraki that day: I just wanted to prove to him that I could stand by his side!" He didn't add that by that point he had been almost too exhausted to hold up his zanpakutō, much less fight.
"It's fortunate for you that you're an honorable man," Yumichika smirked, "or I would be Third-seat. You'd probably have had to use your bankai just to survive Yachiru's shikai –"
"Assuming I had a bankai!" Ikkaku snapped suddenly defensive. At that moment Renji was too distracted by the phrase 'Yachiru's shikai' for it to register, and assumed Ikkaku was just sensitive about not having achieved bankai yet. But in the morning, after the sake wore-off, he would begin to wonder what the exchange had really meant.
"After that," Yumichika continued, "Captain Zaraki had everyone write their name in the dirt wherever they were. Then he simply had Ikkaku and I measure how far each name was from the 'X' in order from closest to farthest. That evening he announced our rank according to the list. Anyone who wanted to advance after that had to fight, and defeat, the current holder of that position. That was how Ikkaku became Third-seat, and I became Fifth-seat!"
"Heh!" Ikkaku laughed, "It took a bit of convincing to get Kenpachi to buy the whole 'skipping Fourth-seat' thing, but in the end he really didn't give a shit about the numbers, just as long as it was settled for good. But Iba, who used to be Fourth-seat, was pissed-off that he'd been demoted to Sixth-seat, so right off he challenged Yumichika." Ikkaku poured himself another cup and passed the bottle to Yumichika.
Yumichika topped-off his own drink, filled Renji's cup – but kept the bottle. "I'll hold on to this! You both need to slow down. You're on duty in the morning," he admonished. "In any case. Iba lost, of course. But to his credit, it was the toughest challenger fight I've ever had."
Renji had to admit he was feeling the effects of the sake, but just enough to dull the shock of all he'd just learned. Ikkaku however, despite having drunk twice as much, rebelled at Yumichika's limitations. "Oh, go head and guard that bottle, 'mother hen.' I still have more!" And with that, he pulled another bottle, the sixth, from the sack. "Anyhow, a week later Iba transferred out of Eleventh."
Renji was beginning to see the position of Sixth-seat as a kind of bottle-neck. Just how tough was Yumichika, if neither Iba nor Matsuda could beat him?
"And within a year, he was Lieutenant of Squad Seven," Yumichika concluded, looking daggers at Ikkaku. Who ignored it, emptied his cup, and opened the bottle. "Of course when Captain-Commander Yamamoto found out that Captain Zaraki had demolished half the Eleventh Division compound he got all bent out of shape about it. And that's when they started making him wear the eye-patch!"
Renji sipped his drink, trying to digest all he'd just learned. "Wow!" he said finally, "Daaaaamn… Fuck! Kenpachi, sure, but Yachiru?! Could she possibly be that strong?!" It took a moment for Ikkaku's words to get through. "Wait – what's that about the eye-patch?"
"Oh, Kenpachi Zaraki has two eyes," Yumichika said, "The eye-patch is a mechanism devised by Squad Twelve that constantly consumes most of his excessive reiatsu. Without it, it's almost impossible for anyone below the rank of Captain to even be near him! Except for Lieutenant Kusajishi of course."
"Soooo – what I felt back at the Shinai Academy…"
"- Was about one tenth of Kenpachi Zaraki's real Spirit-pressure, yes." Yumichika finished.
"At a distance." Ikkaku added.
Renji Abarai stared off into space. He knew that Captains were incredibly strong, but the gulf between Eighth-seat and Captain suddenly seemed insurmountable. Were they all that strong? Could he ever hope to surpass Captain Kuchiki?!
Ikkaku's next words seemed to answer his thoughts. "Ya' know, I've heard other Captains say Captain Zaraki just can't control his reiatsu, but I call 'bullshit' on all of 'em! I can see it in their eyes! Except for 'The old man' they're all scared shitless of Kenpachi Zaraki! They know goddamn well that he's stronger then they'll ever be – they just can't admit it! He's the eleventh mother-fucking Kenpachi for fuck's sake! Do you have any clue how fucking strong that makes him?!"
'Uh…" Renji stammered, "I know that 'Kenpachi' means that no 'matter how many times you strike him he just won't die.' But… if there have been eleven Kenpachis, how…"
"It means," Ikkaku leaned closer, "no one can kill a Kenpachi – except the next Kenpachi!"
"You see," Yumichika said, "in every other squad, when a Captain dies or retires, the other Captains choose as a successor any Shinigami who was about as strong as the Captain he or she replaces. But the only way to become Captain of Squad Eleven is to be stronger than the one before: strong enough to kill the previous Captain in single combat. It's not a succession of equals, it's a progression of increasingly more powerful warriors."
"And Captain Zaraki defeated the previous Kenpachi in a single blow! He didn't even use shikai! He doesn't even have a shikai, or a bankai! He doesn't need 'em! All that power he's got - that's all him!" Ikkaku finished and then poured himself another drink before refilling Renji's cup.
Renji stared at Ikkaku. That last part had to be wrong. "A Captain… without bankai? I thought all Captains had to know bankai!" He took a sip of his sake.
Yumichika looked back and forth between Ikkaku and Renji. "Don't blame me if you both wake-up with an ugly hang-over tomorrow. In any case, Kenpachi Zaraki is the only Shinigami in history to reach the rank of Captain without even knowing the name of his zanpakutō. The rules and limitations we take for granted don't seem to apply to him. And just between the three of us, it's probably a good thing he doesn't have a bankai." At this all three men took a drink, as if reflexively bracing their minds against the cataclysmic images that thought conjured.
Ikkaku refilled all their cups (despite Yumichika still guarding the bottle he'd snatched). "Anyhow, do you get what I mean about the rank of a Shinigami of the Eleventh being worth more than in other squads?"
"Let's see, the former Sixth-seat became a Lieutenant in another squad; the Fifth-seat is really the Fourth-seat and should probably be a Third-seat -"
"Oh, at least!" Yumichika agreed enthusiastically.
"- we don't have a Fourth-seat because nobody has been able to beat our Fifth-seat," Renji went on. "Our Third-seat could beat-up any other squad's Lieutenant –"
"- an' you can tell em' I said so!" Ikkaku toasted.
"- Our Lieutenant is a little girl who's somehow so scary that no one can challenge her; and our Captain is an indestructible monster whose reiatsu is so strong it's completely broken!" Renji drank his sake after finishing his summary of the evening's "lessons." This had almost been as valuable as the training Ikkaku had been giving him.
"Yeah, that about covers it!" Ikkaku congratulated, as he filled their cups and emptied his bottle. This too joined it its predecessors; cast over Ikkaku's shoulder into the night.
"I'd requisition a trash receptacle to be placed right under this tree, but you probably still wouldn't use it," Yumichika complained.
"What, and break with tradition?"
"There's still a two things I'm curious about though," Renji started.
"Yeah, what?" Ikkaku asked.
"How strong is Sixth-seat Matsuda?" Renji arched an eyebrow.
Both senior officers smiled at this. "Ah, ambitious!" Yumichika clapped his hands approvingly.
"One step at a time. You better concentrate on beating Ota's two-handed sword before you take-on Matsuda's big old axe. Once you've mastered shikai you'll get your shot. Which at the rate you're going should only take another month or two." Ikkaku toasted his protégé then reached for the bottle in his best friend's hand.
Yumichika hugged the bottle closer and stuck out his tongue. "What was the other thing you wanted to know?"
"You said Yachiru has shikai - does that mean you've actually seen her fight?"
Both men became silent for an uncomfortable moment. Ikkaku stared at the ground while Yumichika seemed to become fascinated by his own fingernails. "Once," Ikkaku said grimly.
"No." Yumichika shot Ikkaku a warning glare.
"Sixth-seat Takaharu Fukahara…" Ikkaku continued, still not looking from the ground.
"No!" Yumichika snapped. "DO NOT tell this story! I've almost completely repressed that memory! I don't ever want to think about that again! I had nightmares for weeks!"
Ikkaku looked solemnly at his friend. "He asked, so he deserves to know." Yumichika looked away, ignoring them both. Ikkaku turned to Renji and continued. "Fukahara was Fourth-Seat of Squad Nine a few years ago when he transferred to Eleventh. Made Sixth-seat at his ranking trials, but that didn't satisfy him. I guess he heard about how we handled promotions in our squad and he got the stupid idea that the quickest way to become a Lieutenant would be to fight a little girl. So a couple weeks later he… challenged Yachiru." Yumichika had stuck his fingers in his ears and was now humming loudly. "At first Kenpachi thought he was joking, but when Yachiru gave him the puppy-dog eyes an' started whinin' about it he finally gave him to her." Ikkaku paused and looked at his empty cup; then at the bottle in Yumichika's lap. Finally he began groping in the sack at his side for the last bottle before continuing, "Fukahara hadn't been there at the first ranking trial, so he didn't have any idea what he was getting into. Hell, none of us had ever seen her really fight, so we didn't even know what would happen. Maybe we all figured Kenpachi didn't let her fight because he was protecting her. Most guys figured Kenpachi would kill anyone who challenged her." Ikkaku's search had at last borne fruit and he held up a full bottle. He re-filled his cup and passed the bottle to Renji.
As Renji poured he wondered at yet another story involving a Sixth-seat of the Eleventh, and what Ikkaku meant by "gave him to her." He remembered the cat-and-mouse analogy but he just couldn't picture that tiny pink-haired little girl actually fighting a grown man. "But…" Renji prompted, "He let this Fukahara guy fight her?"
"Well, he let him try." Ikkaku said. "Kenpachi made 'em take it out onto the training grounds and by the time they got out there most of the squad came out to watch because this was something that had never happened before. I don't know whether I was more shocked that Kenpachi would let a grown man fight Yachiru, or more curious to see what would happen. Right off, Fukahara released his shikai - Hauringu no Kaze – and his zanpakutō turned into a shang chi. He made a thrust straight for her heart!" Ikkaku pantomimed, stabbing his right index finger at Renji and almost tipping forward in the process. Renji leaned back, bringing his left forearm up to block an intoxicated Ikkaku in case he pitched straight into his lap, while trying to guard the bottle in his left hand, or spill the drink in his right.
Ikkaku's head shot up and his eyes locked Renji's in a deadly-serious stare as he continued. "She caught the tip of the blade in the palm of her left hand and stopped him dead. Didn't move an inch! And for the first time since we'd met her - she was really pissed-off! It's like she changed completely. One second she's this little girl and it looks like she's about to get killed and then all of a sudden all this heavy pink reiatsu came pouring out of her and we were all scrambling back to get out of her way! When I looked back I swear it was like looking at a miniature pink Kenpachi! Her spirit pressure is shooting fifty feet in the air and there was this giant head - like some kind of demon-cat - roaring down at Fukahara like he had just threatened its cub! An' then Yachiru shoved him back an' started yelling at him… for cheating! Turned out she wasn't mad at him for trying to kill her, she was just pissed that he did it before Kenpachi said 'Fight!' An' that's when she released her shikai!"
Renji stared at him, unblinking. Ikkaku took the opportunity to snatch the bottle from his hand and refill his cup, and then Renji's; this time keeping the bottle. By this point Yumichika was rocking back-and-forth, fingers still tight to his ears, loudly singing a bawdy song about someone's uncle over and over (the only line of which Renji could ever repeat without blushing being "you don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn"). Renji looked over at the Fifth-seat, growing seriously concerned about his sanity, then down at his cup, then finally at his now-empty hand, before returning his attention to Ikkaku. "What – " he hesitated, "what was it like? Yachiru's shikai? How strong is she? What the hell did she do?!"
Ikkaku sat back and took a drink before continuing, "She held her zanpakutō in both hands and said 'Leave them nothing, Hinodetora!' And when all her reiatsu had settled an' we all got close enough again to get a good look – "
"We should've stayed baaaaack!" Yumichika whined suddenly. "We should've never gone to watch that in the first place! It was… and he just… aaaugh!" Yumichika pulled the stopper from his confiscated sake and chugged straight from the bottle. Renji turned and both he and Ikkaku stared at the usually-prissy man guzzling hooch – he hadn't even stuck-out his pinky this time.
By this point Renji decided that if the sake didn't calm the Fifth-seat down then he'd ask Ikkaku to send him to Fourth Division to get checked-over. But at the moment he was dieing of curiosity about whatever Yachiru could have done that traumatized Yumichika and even intimidated Ikkaku. And what kind of zanpakutō had a release command like "Leave them nothing?!" Renji turned his attention back to his sensei, who caught the cue after a moment and resumed his story.
"When we got close enough to see, she was holding big, thick curved blades in each hand. They looked way too big for her. Not swords exactly – I don't know what you'd call 'em. They're shaped kind 'a like katars with guards covering her whole fists and blades running parallel to her knuckles, except the blades are too long, and curved, and serrated along both sides. Those blades could never make a clean cut – they're made for tearing through flesh and bone." Renji's attention had faltered as soon as Ikkaku had said "blades" plural! Dual-wielders were exceedingly rare - two of the senior Captains and Lt. Hisagi of Ninth Division were the only ones he knew. It was said that some Shinigami were too strong for a single blade to focus their power. He was still processing Ikkaku's words when he added, "They're like – claw-shaped meat-saws!"
Ikkaku paused for a moment, remembering that day. He filled his cup and emptied it even quicker. He had seen everything, and it wasn't Yachiru's reiatsu that still haunted him, or her vicious twin zanpakutō, or even what she did with them. No, Ikkaku would never forget seeing her face. Her gaze was intense, her eyes had become shimmering pink with long, narrow, cat-like pupils. But the most disturbing thing was the way that tiny child's face has split in a wide, toothy, hungry grin. Kenpachi's grin. He'd seen that insane blood-lust in his Captain's face many times right before the massacre began, but it looked so wrong seeing Yachiru's tiny face distorted in perfect mimicry – that had been the moment when it hit him! The creeping doubt he felt ever since, nibbling at his wits every time he looked at Yachiru from then on: was she the innocent child she's seemed to be for years, or had he just seen her for the first time as she truly was?!
Ikkaku shook his head violently back-and-forth to snap himself back into the present, almost losing his balance in the process. The realization dawned upon him finally that he was indeed well and truly drunk off his ass. Maybe Yumi had been right about pacing himself. He looked over at his friend, who was rocking gently back-and-forth, cradling his now-empty bottle like an infant, and humming. "Drama queen." He muttered under his breath. He knew exactly why Yumichika was so disturbed by what had happened that day. Ikkaku returned his attention to his new protégé, who was still staring at him expectantly. Surrendering the bottle to Renji he soldiered-on with the story.
"That was when Captain Zaraki said 'Fight!' The whole thing only lasted a few seconds and most of that was Yachiru standing there waiting for Fukahara to finish pissing himself and attack her again. Finally he came at her with a series of feints trying to use the wind power of his shikai against her. See the wind would blow whatever direction he was stabbing, and the more he stabbed in one direction the stronger the wind would get. She stood right up to it and didn't move, until the one time he let his blade get too close. A split-second later it was over an' Fukahara was just – gone - from the shins up… 'Cept for the arm. It got torn up pretty bad before it hit the ground, but you could still tell it was his left arm." Ikkaku paused, his brow furrowed in concentration.
Renji was a mess of incredulity and impatient, frustrated curiosity by that point. Finally, forgetting his rank, he demanded, "C'mon, Ikkaku! What the hell did Yachiru do to this guy already?!"
"Hang on, will ya'? I told you it happened real fast. I'm just trying to remember it right." Ikkaku waived Renji off trying to sort-out the memory. "Okay, It must've gone like this: She brought up the left blade to block; cut the head off Fukahara's shang chi with the right; slapped the broken end to the ground with the flat of the left and ran right up the haft before it touched the ground. I think she must've brought up the left again and split his lower jaw then, before she somersaulted over his left shoulder while taking his left arm off with the right blade. That put her behind him and I couldn't see her very well, but one blade punched through him right below the breast-bone and the other came up suddenly between his legs until they met like the blades of a scissors at about waist-high. Last thing I could make-out was she turned the blades in his belly and brought them out both sides just before her feet finally touched the ground." Ikkaku illustrated the motion of her blades with his hands. "Fukahara was in four pieces before he even had a chance to bleed. After that – just for an instant – she was just a blur of black and pink and flashing silver. When it was over Fukahara's body just… exploded!"
Renji just gaped at him. Yumichika's humming had become an oscillating whine that was rising in pitch and volume as he spoke. Ikkaku ignored him and went on. "I think she must've hit him so fast and so hard, from so many different directions, that his body never had time to hit the ground before she'd torn through every square inch of him. I mean – one second she's fighting a guy twice her size – and the next second he's gone, we're all covered in gore, and she's just standin' there, with her zanpakutō already sealed, lickin' his blood off the blade like the little monster she really is! An' Kenpachi was just grinning from ear to ear like a proud pappa the whole time. When Yachiru finished, she sheathed her blade, ran over to Kenpachi, jumped into his arms and gave him a big hug like an innocent little girl who hadn't just turned a guy into a red mist – except for how they were both covered in blood."
At that moment Yumichika finally reached the breaking point: "She… got … Fukahara… ALL OVER ME! I looked HIDIEOUS! In front of the WHOLE DIVISION! It was the UGLIEST moment of my whole life!" His lower lip trembled slightly as though he were about to cry like a little girl. Renji was now gaping at Yumichika.
Ikkaku grumbled inwardly at Yumichika's performance during this particular 'orientation briefing.' Compared to those rare occasions when they had deemed some prospective officer worthy of the warning, Yumi's reaction was growing more flamboyant every time. The image of Yumichika clutching Renji's shikaushyou while weeping and wailing - and Renji trying to escape the predicament - formed in his mind: funny, but not worth scarring his protégé for life. Ikkaku decided to intervene before his friend did something even more embarrassing. Slapping Yumichika on the back in what he hoped was both a comforting and manly gesture Ikkaku said. "Yeah, yeah. C'mon, everybody in the front got splattered. It washed off, didn't it?"
"She got… pieces of Fukahara in my hair!" Yumichika continued with a shiver.
"Intestine, I think," Ikkaku offered.
"She got - something - down my shikaushyou…" he went on babbling.
"That was definitely a chunk of scalp!" Ikkaku recounted with a snicker at his friend's dramatics.
"I SWALLOWED something!" Yumichika moaned piteously.
"That was his –" Ikkaku began.
"You couldn't POSSIBLY know what it was!" Yumichika snapped, "It happened too fast! I don't even know what it was and I was the one who swallowed it! Aauaauugh!" Yumichika ended his tirade in a shuddering moan of disgust.
"You're just lucky it wasn't a bone fragment!" Ikkaku replied, rolling his eyes at Yumichika's dramatics. Then, turning back to Renji, who had watched the two senior officers' verbal sparring in silent shock and disgust, Ikkaku explained: "Four guys got sent to Medical Relief 'cuz they got hit by flying pieces of bone. Three of 'em made it. Aramaki still walks funny – not like he really needed both balls anyway…" Renji cringed at that last part, his thighs clenching together in automatic male reflex. "Hell, that was October, an' we were still finding pieces of Fukahara the next spring. We even started betting on who'd be the last one to find a piece." Realizing he'd gone off on a tangent, Ikkaku got to the point. "Look, the thing ya' gotta' remember is that no one fights Yachiru because no one can fight Yachiru! She's so fast that it's impossible to avoid her strikes, and her shikai is the most violent thing I've ever seen. Only Kenpachi will spar with her, an' that's only because even she can barely scratch him." Feeling as though he'd said enough, Ikkaku retrieved his last bottle of sake, realizing sadly how light it had become, and refilled his cup before passing the bottle to Renji. "Here, you kill it."
"Thanks!" Renji accepted the bottle gratefully, pressed it to his mouth and poured the last of the sake down his throat. "Ahhhhh!" he sighed as he lowered the bottle, "Thanks for everything. Both of you." He glanced over at Yumichika, still concerned after the man's near-breakdown, only to find him preening himself with his back turned. "And thanks for the warning. About Lieutenant Kusajishi I mean. I always thought she was just a little girl! Everybody does! She looks like a little girl. She acts like a little girl – well, a really hyper little girl who doesn't know what rules are and eats like a Hollow. But if it hadn't've been you who told me I still don't think I could believe she's really some kind of over-powered beast."
Ikkaku sighed, "Yeah, well, that's what's really fucked-up about the whole thing: she is still just a little kid! She could probably take on every other Lieutenant in the Seireitei at the same time! She stands-up to Zaraki's reiatsu better than half the Captains – and she's still just a little kid! Imagine how strong she'll be when she grows up! Imagine what she'll be like if she achieves bankai!"
"I don't want to be anywhere within a hundred miles of her if she ever does!" Yumichika chimed in, drawing both their attention. He seemed to have made a miraculous recovery. And he was languishing again. "Although to be honest I don't know what frightens me more: the idea of a much-stronger Yachiru with the mental capacity and emotional maturity of a full-grown woman, or the thought that our second-in-command is an adorably cute little girl who's strong enough to completely annihilate any or all of us, at any moment, for whatever reason might enter her tiny pink-haired head!" Yumichika paused, then inspiration struck, "No, wait," he amended, "I just realized there's something worse: a moody, teen-age Yachiru – with PMS!"
"Oh, shit!" Ikkaku sat back with a start. "I didn't think of that. That is worse! Let me know the day the Captain sends you to get her a training-bra and I'll try and figure out how to get us sent on an extended mission someplace far away for a century or two."
Yumichika huffed indignantly and turned his head, folding his arms across his chest. "In the first place I don't know any more about training bras than either of you, and secondly, it won't even occur to Kenpachi Zaraki that Yachiru needs a bra unless she gets as big as Rangiku, and hopefully someone from the Shinigami Women's Association will have taken care of it long before then."
"Wait a minute!" Renji shouted, "Are you saying we're all just waiting around for an over-powered, three-foot kid to have a tantrum and slaughter us all, and there's nothing we can do about it?!" He flung the empty bottle into the air (as per 'tradition') to emphasize his exasperation.
Ikkaku waved his hands in front of him. "It's not as bad as that. Well, not exactly. She hasn't killed anybody since Fukahara. And she's still young enough to easily out-sma- eh?!" Something feather-soft brushed against the top of his head. Renji was gaping in shock. Ikkaku craned his neck and - gazed into the pinkness.
"What's PMS?" Yachiru chirped, hanging upside-down by her knees from the lowest branch of the plum tree.
Ikkaku's instinct was to leap back defensively, but from his current position that translated into slamming backwards into the roots of the tree and sliding on his back while sputtering "Ya-ya-ya-chi-ROOOOooooh!" he ended in a high-pitched wail as the bottle Renji had thrown hit him square in the crotch. Renji's thighs clenched reflexively for the second time.
Yumichika spun around. "Lieutenant Kusajishi?! How long have you been here?" He tried to remember what he'd said and when to gauge the amount of trouble he might be in.
"Ummmm… since after dinner! Kenny went over to Eighth to get shit-faced with Captain Grab-ass and try my great new plan to get him to fight. I didn't go with Kenny 'cuz I'd get in the way 'cuz my plan is for Kenny to feel-up Glasses the way Captain Grab-ass tries to do when he thinks he's drunk enough to excuse it, so that Captain Grab-ass will finally get jealous and fight with Kenny to 'defend her honor.' That's what guys say when they want to pretend that they're doing a girl a favor by acting jealous. So anyway I came out here to my favorite tree to draw until Kenny got back, but then it got too dark so I thought I'd go in, but then you came by and started getting shit-faced too, and that's always funny, so I decided to stay and watch, and then you started telling stories so I decided that was good too, so I stayed out to listen. It was really funny when you shrieked like a woman! So, what does PMS mean?"
Renji had been too startled by Yachiru's sudden appearance (he'd never admit, even to himself that a little girl had just scared the shit out of him) to say anything, hoping to try to avoid her attention. Then he got stuck for a moment trying to figure out that 'Captain Grab-ass' meant Captain Kyouraka, and by that time she got right back to the PMS question. Improvising quickly, Yumichika replied, "Oh, PMS stands for 'Perfectly-Mastered-Shikai!' Very formidable!" Renji was impressed. Yumichika had been a total basket-case a minute ago, he'd chugged a bottle of sake, and he was still the only one clever enough to come up with a save. Ikkaku had spent the entire time curled on the ground, cradling his wounded pride.
Yachiru looked pleased with the answer. "Ah! That makes sense! Glasses told me PMS meant 'Pre-ordained Monthly Suffering' and Big-boobies said it meant 'Pre-Meditated Sadism' but now I think they were both joking. 'cuz your answer makes much more sense! Wow! Captain Soy Sauce must be really strong, 'cuz everybody keeps saying she has Perfect Mastery of Shikai!" Then she noticed Ikkaku, and looked perplexed. "Ummmm, What's Cue-ball doing? And shouldn't he be doing it somewhere private?"
Once again, Yumichika came to he rescue, "Oh Ikkaku has just suffered a painful injury and needs a moment to recuperate." Renji had wanted to say something but realized that anything he said would remind Ikkaku who had thrown the bottle in the first place. Despite his pain, even Ikkaku had caught the implication of her words and wondered if she knew what she had said.
Yachiru's tiny, upside-down brow furrowed. "What? You mean when that empty bottle fell in his lap?" She shook her finger at Ikkaku, scolding, "Well, if it hurts so much you should'a just dodged or caught it! I'm sure glad I'm not a guy if you all get hurt that easy! I mean, what if someone does - this!"
Ikkaku's eyes widened in terror as Yachiru went from hanging like a bat into a back-flip. He rolled aside just as her sandals landed with a ground-shaking 'boom' – right where his balls had been. Doors and windows opened and men came running to see what had caused the noise, only to disappear even faster upon seeing Yachiru was involved.
Staggering to his feet, and still guarding his junk, Ikkaku shouted in frustration at the little Lieutenant, "Dammit, Yachiru! What are you tryin' ta do ta' me?! Didn't Kenpachi ever say anything to you about hittin' a guy below the belt?!"
"Sure! Lots of times!" Yachiru smiled broadly, and began to count off on her fingers, "Let's see: there's 'Don't jump on my nuts,' and 'Don't step on my nuts,' and 'Don't land on my nuts,' and don't grab my nuts,' and 'Don't punch me in my nuts,' and 'Don't kick me in my nuts,' and 'Don't knee me in my nuts,' and 'Don't elbow me in my nuts,' and 'Don't head-butt me in my nuts,' and 'Don't stab me in my nuts,' and 'Don't throw anything at my nuts,' and 'Don't try to crack my nuts or bite my nuts even if they're called nuts!' He tells me every time I forget!"
"Well, if he told ya' all that, then what the hell were ya' tryin' ta' do ta me just now?!" Ikkaku accused.
"Huh? Kenny never said anything about your nuts!" Yachiru defended, "and look! Your reflexes did get better! You dodged this time! Yay! I trained you to move faster! If I train you to be fast enough then you can fight me, like Kenny does!" She beamed at her 'success.'
"I don't fight little girls!" Ikkaku snapped at her.
Yachiru frowned. "Well, then you better not chicken-out and get killed before I grow-up!" Then she brightened, "Besides, you gave me a great idea for a new training exercise earlier!" Ikkaku stared at her, not liking the sound of that. Yumichika glared recrimination at Ikkaku, dreading whatever trouble he'd somehow gotten them into. Renji glanced back-and-forth expectantly between the three sensing that this was a bad thing, until Yachiru went on, "I need you guys to get together about thirty or forty men who don't mind bleeding a lot and meet me after lunch…" it was getting worse, and now they were all included, and it was tomorrow… "we're gonna' play zanpakuto-catch!" Yachiru jumped with excitement at her plan. The trio stared at her.
It was Renji who broke the silence. "Lieutenant… you're joking… right? Uh, guys?" He looked at the other men hopefully. They weren't laughing.
"Lieutenant," Yumichika began gently, "zanpakuto aren't typically designed to be thrown, so perhaps we could -"
Ikkaku interrupted, "Captain Zaraki won't let -"
Yachiru changed the subject abruptly. "Oh! I just remembered what I was going to tell you! When you were telling that story before you got it mostly right, but you got something important wrong! Kenny isn't my father, he's my Kenny! That's waaaaay better!"
"Not your – then how – " Renji stumbled.
"We always thought that you were his daughter." Yumichika was just as surprised by this announcement. "Even back in the Rukon we just assumed that since he was taking care of you he must be your father. Why else would a man like him - "
"Because he was all alone!" Yachiru shouted. "I was just a baby when I met him and I was all alone too, but since then neither of us ever had to be alone again, and we never will! That's why it's better to have a Kenny than a father!"
Ikkaku tried to correct her. "But if he raised you since you were a baby that means he adopted you, so he's still your father. It doesn't matter if he's not your real father, it still counts."
"It does matter, dummy! If I was Kenny's daughter then I'd grow-up and get married and go live with my husband and I couldn't stay with Kenny! But since he's not my father I can just marry Kenny when I grow-up and we can stay together forever!" Yachiru smiled triumphantly as she revealed her brilliant strategy, then suddenly covered her mouth and gasped at her mistake, "Oh! That plan is still a secret! You better not tell Kenny before I grow-up enough to use my bankai or you'll spoil it!" she warned them sternly. The three men exchanged uncomfortable looks.
"Except…" she brightened, "Kenny would never believe you anyway! He'd just call you a pervert and then cut you in half. The long way. Down the side. Seen him do it a few times. " She giggled, "it's kind'a funny the way they look all confused and then just go 'shhhloooooop' and fall apart. On second though maybe one of you should tell – " A heavy wave of spirit-pressure washed over them as the doors of the division gate slammed open. "- Kennyyyyyy!" Yachiru finished as she ran to greet her tired, sullen Captain. "G'night, Baldy! 'Night, Feathers! 'Night, Pineapple!" She called over her shoulder as she sped away.
Their captain didn't spare them a glance as Yachiru alighted on his shoulder. He trudged wearily toward the Division headquarters, and bed. "What happened, Kenny?" Yachiru asked before they moved out of earshot. Did my plan work? Did Shun-shun fight you?"
"No," Kenpachi grumbled, "you didn't warn me about Isa's kido. As soon as I grabbed for her she pulled some 'Saoj Sabaku' crap, and by the time I broke it she was already hiding behind Kouraka, and she stayed there stuck to him for the rest of the night. That bastard just smiled at me all night like I'd just done him a big favor. Called me his 'new wing-man' whatever the hell that means. Said I should come drink with him more often…"
The three men stared after them, until Renji broke the silence, "Pineapple?"
Yumichika looked at him a little sheepishly, then turned to Ikkaku and changed the topic, "You don't think she was serious, do you?"
"Nah, I'm sure she'll grow out of it when she gets older."
"I mean the zanpakuto-catch idea!"
"Oh. No, Kenpachi will never let her – "
"You said he'd never let her fight either."
"Hmmmm. Yeah. You're right. He might let her. This could be bad…"
"Pineapple?" Renji said again. "If you're 'Baldy' and you're 'Feathers,' then I'm…"
"You're just as fucked as we are! You better get to bed. We all better, 'cus I got a feeling we're gonna' need all the sleep we can get." Ikkkaku made to leave, with Yumichika following behind.
"Maybe you can sleep! I'll be up all night trying to figure out a way to keep us from dying in a 'training accident' tomorrow!" Yumuichika complained.
As Renji Abarai made his way unsteadily back to the officers' barracks he came to an important decision: if he lived long enough to reach the rank of Sixth-seat in Squad Eleven, he would transfer to another squad.
The next morning, true to his word, Tenth-seat Makizō Aramaki led a cleaning detail across the division courtyard. He found all the empty bottles Ikkaku had mentioned, and was pleased to discover the full bottle Yumichika had forgotten the night before. He was puzzled when he found the Captain's ink and brush behind the plum tree, and the sheaf of paper wedged in the fork of one of it's branches. Examining the first page it appeared to be a crudely-drawn hentai featuring the Captain and a woman with glasses, gut all the rest seemed to be equally crude pictures of Kenpachi Zaraki killing what he took by the hat and Kimono to be Captain Kouraka, all in remarkably accurate detail. He quietly returned the ink and brush to his Captain's desk and the drawings to Lieutenant Kusajishi's before either had awakened (though the first page mysteriously 'got lost' on the way). He kept the sake, of course.
Before breakfast Yumichika appeared at the doors of the Medical Relief Division begging an audience with it's serene Captain on a matter of life or death importance. When presented with an opportunity to spare some three-dozen Shinigami from certain grievous harm (and spare her Squad from all the work that would subsequently entail) she cheerfully agreed. She then gave him a multi-vitamin shot, forced him to drink a vile concoction (which instantly relieved his hang-over), advised him to keep hydrated, and sent him on his way.
Shortly before lunch, a messenger arrived to inform Yachiru of a special emergency meeting of the senior officers of the Shinigami Women's Association, to make an important decision about what refreshments to serve at the next meeting. While this consisted of nothing more than Yachiru, Captain Unohana and Lieutenant Nanao Isa sampling various sweets at a number of shops in the Rukon, it did keep Yachiru occupied until dinner.
Ikkaku woke with a throbbing headache and his morning went down hill from there. Yumichika was nowhere to be found, and all morning during training exercises he's had the feeling that the men were whispering about him behind his back. He could even swear he heard snickering more than once. It was only at lunch, while Yumichika was proudly recounting how he had cleverly saved all their asses, that an equally-hung-over Kenpachi Zaraki slumped on the bench next to Ikkaku and solved the mystery. Focusing a single, blood-shot eye on the bald man he asked, "Why the fuck does it say 'Drink Nichibotsu's Sake' on the back of your head?"
To his great relief, the ink washed off. Eventually.
Shang chi – double halbard
Sunrise Tiger = Hinodetora
HOWLING WIND = Hauringu no Kaze
Ueta = Hungry
Asayaka = Sunrise Color
Tora = Tiger
Aka = Bloody Color
Bloody Sunrise Tiger = Rixyuuketsuno Hinodenotora
Nichibotsunotora = Sunset Tiger
MOURNFUL WIND = Tsuitoufuu
Seireitei Communication: A standard issue costs 380 Kan.