The scent of old books, plus a muggle brand of shampoo— "No one eat or drink anything!" Remus shouted. Everyone in the Gryffindor Common Room stared at him. He was not one who usually raised his voice. "I smell Amortentia," he explained once he had everyone's attention. "The most powerful love potion known. Something here must have been spiked with it."
"Not again," whined Sirius. He stood to make a general announcement. "In case anyone hasn't heard, I have been disowned! I am no longer the heir to the Black fortune! I am now a pauper! Any witch desiring to marry money should direct her love potions to my little brother Regulus. Only pureblood witches need apply, as were my little brother to express any romantic intention towards a muggleborn or halfblood, he would surely be disowned as well. I wish you the best of luck. Thank you." He sat down again.
"What makes you think you're the target?" asked Peter.
"What, you think someone wants you?" asked Sirius, laughing.
"No, of course not," said Peter, blushing. "But the Potter family's fortune is nearly as big as the Black's, and James hasn't been disowned. Someone might be after him."
James took this opportunity to declare, "No potion could overpower my love for Evans! From the moment I first saw her—"
"Here we go again," complained Sirius, rolling his eyes.
"—I knew she was the only one for me," continued James.
"You're delusional," muttered Evans.
"My friends can confirm this," continued James. "Didn't I, mates? I said, 'That is the girl I'm going to marry.'"
"It's true," confirmed Peter, although no one was arguing that it wasn't. The whole school knew.
"I said right then and there, 'I call dibs on Lily Evans, the most beautiful girl in the world.'"
"You can't call dibs on a person!" shouted Evans.
"Yes he can, actually," said Sirius.
"Marauders' honor," explained Peter.
"No Marauder may encroach on a girl that another Marauder has called dibs on," explained Sirius.
"That's the rule," said Peter.
"That's disgusting," said Evans. "Don't I have a say in this?"
"You'll come round eventually," said James. "Then you'll say 'I do.'"
"Aargh!" said Evans.
Remus, meanwhile, was carefully sniffing every item on the snack table. Being a Valentine's Day party, chocolate was prominently featured. The ready availability of chocolate made Valentine's Day almost bearable. He'd been planning to load up his plate with chocolate, then retreat to his dorm room to enjoy it while reading a book. Instead here he was, using his sensitive nose to protect his fellow Gryffindors from unwanted mood-altering potions. He hoped no one would wonder why he had such a good sense of smell.
Evans stomped over to him. "Why do you put up with those guys?" she demanded.
"They're my friends," he said.
"They're awful," she said. "They're sexist bullies. They treat me like some sort of prize that's theirs to distribute."
"You don't understand what they've done for me. I'd do anything for them."
"You're better than them. You could get better friends. What will it take to snap you out of this?"
"They're my friends," he said again.
"Damn it, Lupin, I just want to shake some sense into you sometimes. You could do better than this."
"No I couldn't," he said. "You don't understand how lucky I am to have friends at all."
The punch had been spiked with nothing but alcohol. The crisps, the dip, the cupcakes, all were fine. Everything on the table seemed clear. "The offending item must be in someone's possession already," he said. "It's not on the table. Everyone check your drinks and snacks."
Remus sniffed each item on his plate. He hadn't reached the snack table in time to get a hazelnut bonbon, so he'd settled for an almond one. The almond one was gone from his plate now. There was a hazelnut one in its place. He sniffed it carefully. Old books, a muggle shampoo… it smelled wonderful, but he couldn't eat it now. What a waste of chocolate. "Found it," he said sadly. He left it on the plate as he removed his other snacks to the safety of a different plate.
Everyone stared at the innocent-looking bonbon.
"Someone spiked the chocolate!" said Sirius. "James, you or I must be the target. We both buy a lot of chocolate, so this witch must think we like it. She doesn't know we're supplying Remus. We're such generous souls to support his addiction."
"And we pay him in chocolate for doing our homework for us."
"What was it doing on Remus's plate?" asked Peter, bewildered.
James and Sirius exchanged a look.
"It makes sense," said Sirius. "Invest in one bonbon, and he'd probably do your homework for free as a token of his affection until the potion wears off. Otherwise he makes you pay a whole chocolate bar for each assignment."
"Chocolate's much cheaper than Amortentia," Peter pointed out.
"If you're buying it," said James. "Maybe whoever did this brewed it."
"It's hard to brew," said Peter.
"Thank you, mysterious manipulative witch!" said Sirius. "Now we've got entertainment for the party. We can all sniff it and describe what it smells like to us. It smells different to everyone. Hey Remus, how did you recognize it? What does it smell like to you?"
"Just books. Old books, like a library."
"Remus is in love with Madam Pince!" laughed Peter.
"No, he's in love with the library itself," said James confidently.
"Have you been to the Restricted Section yet, or are you saving yourself for marriage?" asked Sirius.
"Me next!" said James, taking the plate.
"The suspense is killing me," said Sirius dryly.
James took a deep whiff. He seemed to be in ecstasy. "Evans, you wear the most amazing perfume. I've never smelled anything like it."
"I don't wear perfume," she said.
"Then it must be your shampoo or something. It's wonderful."
"I use VO5. It's the cheapest shampoo there is. It's nothing special."
"It's the best smell ever."
"Thanks for letting me know. I'm switching to Finesse."
"Attention ladies and gentlemen," announced Sirius, grabbing the plate from James. "We have now come to the moment you've all been waiting for, when it is revealed which lucky girl will get to spend the rest of her life living in a cardboard box with the incomparable Sirius Black." He held the chocolate up to his aristocratic nose and took a delicate whiff. Then he looked at it in confusion and took a deeper sniff. "Remus, are you sure this is the right one?"
"Yes."
"Damn, it must not work for me. I can't smell anything."
"We always knew you had no sense," laughed James. "Now we know you don't even have any sense of smell."
"To you, it just smells like you," said Evans.
"Yes! That must be it!" Sirius raised an arm and took a big whiff of his own armpit. "A perfect match! Ah! The most exquisite perfume!"
Everyone laughed.
Sirius is lying too, Remus realized. He's such a good liar. Despite his seemingly complete lack of inhibitions, he could actually keep secrets quite well. Evans didn't understand how important that was.
"Evans, you've got to try it too," said James. "You've got to admit that it smells like me. I'm sure that to you it smells like a fresh-mown quidditch pitch and my cologne."
"Everyone in Gryffindor tower can smell your cologne right now," Evans complained. "That proves nothing. I assure you that to me Amortentia does not smell like a sweaty quidditch uniform, an overstuffed Gringotts vault, and arrogance."
She sniffed the chocolate. She didn't speak for a while. She eventually said, "All I can smell is chocolate." Her eyes met Remus's. "I'm sure it's fine."
"No," Remus said. "It's not."
"You just don't want to admit that it smells like me," said James. "I know! We'll make Snivellus eat it, that'll be funny, and we'll find out who did this."
"Snivellus isn't going to believe anyone gave him chocolate on Valentine's Day," objected Sirius. "He knows everyone hates him."
"I know that," said James. "I'm not saying give it to him, I'm saying make him eat it. You hold him down—"
Evans drew her wand and vanished the tainted bonbon, eliciting groans from James, Sirius, Peter, and many of the other kids at the party who'd been enjoying the show.
"What a waste," Remus said.
Evans looked at him with her painfully beautiful emerald eyes. "Yes," she said.