Title: Fighter
Summary: Beckett and Castle are expecting their first child when Beckett is told that after the shooting her heart may be too damaged to last the whole pregnancy.
Warning: deals with the possibility of a major character death, brings up topics such as abortion, and premature labor.

A/N: I won't say this is the best I've ever written but when you're feeling sad writing really angsty fanfics helps, which is why I wrote this instead of the other story(ies) I have going. If you're like me and feeling down and reading this to get a little bit of an outlet I hope this helps, and if you're reading for entertainment or other reasons... I hope you like it.

The steady beat of his heart pulled Beckett out of her reverie, and the thought of a toddler in Castle's arms with a wide smile matching his father's. Now Castle wasn't smiling. He was looking at her instead of the monitor with glassy eyes, and had that pleading look he had had since they found out just a week ago.

"Kate, you can still…" he trailed off, and grabbed her hand instead. She understood why he said that, and she knew why he said this, but she couldn't agree with him.

"No Castle, I can't." She turned her gaze to the monitor where their son waved back at them. "Look at him."

xXxXxX

The weeks before Beckett had been fatigued more than usual, and she got out of breath just by climbing the stairs to the second floor in the loft. At first she had thought it was normal because pregnancy wasn't supposed to be easy, but as she met with more people who were at the same stage of pregnancy as her she quickly understood that it wasn't exactly normal.

The next doctor's appointment she had brought it up. It was after the scan where they had found out they were expecting a baby boy, and Beckett had told her doctor about the tiredness, and the difficulty breathing. At first the doctor hadn't been concerned, but ordered extra tests to make sure.

After two weeks they ended up in another office, with another ultrasound machine. Beckett had laid on her side clutching the small belly in one hand, with Castle's hand above hers as the doctor inspected her heart.

Later the doctor had taken them into his office, and sat them down in two chairs opposite his desk.

"We have reviewed your scans Mrs Beckett, and unfortunately we have discovered damage to your heart which would have gone by unnoticed had it not been for the pregnancy," the doctor had said, his face serious and a worried furrowing of his eyebrows. "The pregnancy is putting a strain on your heart, and as the pregnancy progresses there is a likelihood that your heart will not be able to handle that strain."

"What do you mean?" Castle had asked, almost jumping forward in the chair.

"It means that there is a large risk that this pregnancy could be fatal for your wife." Beckett hadn't said anything, she had only wringed her hands and kept her gaze on the photo frame on the doctor's desk. It was of him and his sons, and they couldn't have been older than 8 and 10 in that picture.

"Okay, but if she has an abortion, will it be okay then?" The doctor didn't say anything at first, just clasped and unclasped his hands.

"The damage that has already been done to her heart is irreversible, but it will be something she can live with." Live with, Beckett thought, it echoed in her head. There is a lot a person can live with, but how could she live with herself?

"Okay Kate," Castle said, and she looked up at him. "We can always adopt," he said, and his eyes were wide as if he was in panic, as if they were out in the field and were being shot at.

"How far do you think I can continue this pregnancy without… dying?" She ignored Castle, she couldn't look at him when she asked this. Their baby boy was kicking in her stomach, so she couldn't discuss adoption with Castle.

"Kate…" Castle breathed.

"There is no way to tell you exactly when or how, but there is a small chance that you will be able to carry to term, but most likely you would be expecting to experience a significant decrease in function in a month or two, and complete heart failure in the third trimester." The doctor's voice was low, a stiff sort of professionalism mixed in with a small dose of empathy.

"Okay," she said and looked over at Castle. It was too surreal for her to grasp, and she couldn't fully comprehend the look of despair on his face. "I don't want to adopt Castle."

xXxXx

In the beginning she worked a couple of hours five days a week, but three weeks after the doctor's visit she discovered that just getting dressed meant spending so much energy that by the time she was sitting at the breakfast table she was spent.

Castle continues to remind her that they still have a choice, but every time he brings up abortion their son kicks in her stomach, and the kicks get stronger and stronger. The first day Beckett stayed home he told her the same thing, but instead of replying as she usually did she had reached for his hand and put it on her stomach.

"He's our son Rick, and he's kicking inside of me, and I can't make that decision," she said. "I can't make that decision."

He asked her less often after that.

xXxXx

One day she woke up in the hospital, and didn't know how she ended up there. Castle was asleep in a recliner chair, and she could hear the steady beating of her heart being translated into beeps, and the quicker beats of their son's heart as well.

"You didn't wake up this morning," Castle said when he had woken up. She hadn't woken up so he had called an ambulance, fearing that the doctor's prediction had been too optimistic. She was only 25 weeks, not even in the third trimester yet. "You're going to stay here for the rest of the pregnancy."

xXxXx

"Cosmo, name him Cosmo," she said. She was sitting up in the hospital bed, and Castle and Alexis were playing a card game by her feet. "Cosmo Alexander Castle."

"I thought you hated that name," Alexis said, looking over her cards at Beckett's pale face.

"I looked it up, apparently it comes from the name of a saint who was a doctor, and he and his twins did miracles." Castle squeezed her thigh and she was too tired to fight the tears that spilled down her cheeks.

"Cosmo," Castle said, but his throat was too tight to be able to get anything else out, instead he splayed his hand over her stomach, and he received a kick back in response.

xXxXx

"We're missing you at the precinct chica," Esposito said when he leaned over the bed to hug her.

"Yeah, it's not the same without you," Ryan said, and gave her a hug as well. "How's Cosmo doing in there?"

"Castle told you?" She smiled up at the two of them, pretending that she was a normal expecting mother, and that she was just waiting for the moment her baby pleased to come out.

"Yes, he couldn't shut up about it," Esposito said with a shrug.

"Oh, okay." She thought about Castle showing up at the precinct and proudly showing them one of the ultrasound pictures. They had so many of them to keep check of their son's development to make sure he wasn't being affected by her heart. "Baby is doing fine," she said. "He weighs almost two pounds they think, and has good lungs."

They were preparing for an early delivery and were pushing it as far as they were able to. No one wanted her to go past 30 weeks.

"You better bring him by the precinct when he gets big enough," Esposito said.

"I will Espo." She hoped she would, she hoped so badly that it felt like she was going to puke.

xXxXx

"Lanie's here," Castle said, gently rousing her from sleep. She looks up to see her friend standing in the doorway looking as if she had seen death. Lanie's face was grey, as if the blood had left her face completely.

"Kate," Lanie said in a breath, walking into the room and immediately grasping Beckett's hand.

"Hey Lanie." Beckett tried her best to smile at her friend. "I look like hell." She rubbed her face with her hand, but winced as the needle in her arm was squeezed by the motion.

"You look great." Beckett hated the thickness in her friend's throat, hated the tears that threatened to spill from those wide brown eyes.

"Don't lie to me." The laugh Beckett pushed out was dry and forced, but she couldn't stand the tension in the room. She didn't like being reminded that her son might grow up without her, and she didn't like being reminded that her last weeks could be spent in this very room. Reality was rough.

"Honey, you're going to have to be a fighter for a little while longer, okay, so keep on doing what you've always done, and in a couple of months I'm going to have a big baby shower for you, because every new mother needs one." Everyone made plans for the future, and everyone included her in them, as if they made enough plans she would have to survive.

"I can't wait."

xXxXx

"They're going to take you to surgery now," Castle said. "And I love you Kate, I love you so much, and I want you to keep fighting, I want you here okay, I can't imagine doing all of this without you… remember that you promised me that you wouldn't let me take care of our kid alone, well now's the time for you to make good on that promise." He squeezed her hand in his, and his forehead was pressed against hers. She hadn't realized that the time was out, the past days had been spent in a half daze and half-asleep state.

"You got to push through this thing, and we're going to get you a new heart, you just… fight Kate."

"I love you Rick," she said, lazily stroking on of his cheeks.

"Yeah, and you're going to do that for a long time." He pressed a kiss to her forehead.

Their baby boy Cosmo Alexander Castle was tiny in her stomach, and she splayed her hands over the bump she had grown the past months, grasping Castle hands so that they could feel his kicks together. One, two, three kicks, and then she took Castle's wrists and held his hand there against her.

"If I don't… tell him I love him, and tell him about my mother, and don't…" The tears streaming down her face made it hard for her to speak, the pain inside of her reached every part of her made it hard for her to think. "Don't let him forget me."

"I won't, I promise." He took her face in his hands, and looked her in the eyes. "Kathrine Houghton Beckett I promise you."

"Thank you."

xXxXx

In the distance she hears the steady beeping of a machine, and she can feel the roughness of a tube down her throat. Someone is whispering about a baby, and she can hear the name Cosmo Alexander Houghton Castle being uttered, and she tries to smile but instead slips back into sleep.

When she has more energy she will open her eyes and be able to hold her son, she promises herself.