WHY, GEORGE LUCAS, WHY?
All those times when Jar Jar Binks could have died... but didn't.

"You almost got us killed! Are you brainless?"

- Qui-Gon Jinn

I. LET'S START AT THE BEGINNING.

[Stranded on a remote desert island with parents George R. Binks and wife]

"Hey, dad! Why don't I swim for help?" said Jar Jar.
"WHAT! YOUSA'D BE A FOOL TO- wait, swim for help? SURE!" exclaimed his father.

II. WHEN BOSS NASS ARRANGES FOR JAR JAR TO GET A JOB.
And Jar Jar releases all of the animals from the zoo.

"Oh no! He just let out the Sando Aqua Monster! I can't bear to watch- ooh!"
"Yousa watched. Wow, is that his leg floating over there?"

III. AT A PARTY AT BOSS NASS'S,
where Jar Jar had a job in the kitchen.

"Hey," Boss Nass sniffed the air, "is something burning?"
Jar Jar appeared in the kitchen doorway, "Hey Boss! Uh, meesa kinda set the gasser oven on fire and -"
BOOM.

"Where'd Jar Jar go?" asked one of the guests incredulously.
Someone screamed.
"I SEE HIS HEAD ON THE MANTLEPIECE!"

IV. BLOCKADE OF NABOO.

BOOM. "There goes Binks!"

BAM. "...And... there goes Binks!"

GLOOMP. "FREED OF BINKS!"

V. TATOOINE.

"I wonder where Jar Jar got to," said Padme.
"Jar Jar? You mean that idiotic frog-guy?" asked Anakin.
Padme nodded.
"Oh, Sebulba beat him to pulp. Maybe mom can make a smoothie out of him?"

THE CLONE WARS.

VI. RODIA.

R.I.P. Jar Jar Binks. Eaten by a Kwazel Maw while attempting to befriend it by shouting "BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE!"

VII. DOOKU'S CAPTURE.

#1

"MMM!" said Idio- sorry - Jar Jar, "Thisa chocolate bar is verry good!"
"Wh-what?" exclaimed Stone, turning, "aren't you supposed to be observing skalder behaviour around the geysers so that you can tell us when the geyser is expected to erupt and so the producers don't have to kill of the supposed 'comic relief' character which everyone hates but who they love for absolutely no reason? !"
"Really?"

#2

"What's he doing?" asked one of the clones.
"Trying to climb one of the WLO-5 speeder tanks," replied Stone.
"Ah."
"Ooh, look, complete fail."
The trooper pointed, "Head, body, guts, leg, right leg, arm, brain, where's the other arm?"
"Over there."
"Ahh, I see it now. Poor blighter."
"Mm."

VIII. THE BLUE SHADOW VIRUS.

#1

"Yousa not creating life, yousa taking life. Yousa poisoned the Gungan water!"
"I'm sorry, what's he saying? I can't understand his alien language," Nuvo Vindi looked at the others.
"He's speaking English. It's just that the mutated accent George Lucas gave him makes his words almost indecipherable," answered Padme.
"Ah. I see, can I shoot him now?"
"Go ahead."

#2

"Hey wait," Padme stopped Anakin as he was about to leave, "Aren't you going to cure Jar Jar, as well?"
"Nope!"

GALACTIC EMPIRE.

"It is time," rasped Palpatine, "Execute Order 67."
Silence.
"Uh, sir, what's Order 67 again?"
"Destroy all epic-failure comic relief characters with ununderstandable accents and no brains whatsoever in the least amount of time possible in order to preserve my and everyone else's sanity."

This took approximately one hour and eight minutes.

First draft, too, loosely based off my "What They Could Have Done in HetaOni" (Hetalia: Axis Powers fanfiction).

Comment and/or criticise?

I'll probably update.
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Gedet'ye? Vor'e!

(Mando'a, by the way).