Façade
Pain. That was all I felt. Six years of waking up with that as my first thought. School is just me in a mask and home is a prison cell. How ironic, that my mask at school is just as bad as this place; maybe even worst. Each year in which I've longed for it to be seen, to see what lay beneath it. I look in the mirror and all I see is a smiling boy, with eyes as hollow as a war veteran's. They were, before that day.
Rain was pouring down in thick sheets, with the wind already having frozen my bones. My thin and worn clothes only covering my skin offered no protection from the onslaught the weather brought. The bus stop up ahead would be my reprieve until the raging weather died down. I wasn't the only one who had decided they needed a reprieve from the relentless pounding of the rain. Sasuke Uchiha, tall, dark and handsome was the words the girls use to 'talk' about him. He had black or obsidian spikey hair, that stuck up at the back giving the appearance of a 'duck's butt'. He was at a height of 5'6 and had deep, sharp, black eyes. He was the apple in the eye for all the girls, whether they were with available or not.
We stayed silent under the safe haven the shelter brought. It wasn't an awkward silence or a comfortable one. Its presence, just there and neither of us wanted to break the tension. We both notice glances we give each other and seeing the other doing so, trying to start a conversation but the tension, too thick. A chuckle escapes me, which then transforms into full blown laughter. I laughed deeply, like I haven't truly done so in a long time. There was nothing remotely funny, I just laughed at our positions, the situation being so awkward that we couldn't even talk.
He joins in with my laughter after a while, but not so loudly, a smile gracing his face as he does so. The tension had broken. Finally after the laughter died I sat down on the bench under the stop, Sasuke with a small smile, joins me. As a way to start up a conversation, I say my favourite greeting that I use when I meet anyone. "How's life," I say in jest, while making it into a joke "in the world of fame and women, oh great apple of their eyes?" I was rewarded with a wry and painful grimace. "You know," He paused slightly considering his words. "It's not all that cracked up as others think it is." I figured that, considering I pitied your lack of privacy and personal space. I mentally remarked sarcastically at his answer, but he continues.
"It's lonesome." Alone, pain nobody else sees. They don't even realise they cause it, or make it worse. "They're all shallow and don't even realise that I don't want to be surrounded by them, even when I've told them so before." Narrowed minds, with no room to change and think differently. "It was nice when it was a complement here and there; however after it becomes a consistency it feels all undeserved. It's uncomfortable." Standing there surrounded but not belonging, being more alone than when in solitude. "You know when I asked how's life, I didn't mean 'now tell me, your darkest secret,' while speaking in a deep mysterious voice." I don't want to know.
"Nah, you didn't; not out loud anyway." Crack. The façade around me slipped. I could feel, hear it, being distorted. It cracked. "What's that supposed to mean." My voice had risen, and we both knew it was restraining anger. "I try to make it so that I feel like I deserve the praises I get but it still feels hollow. A polite smile, that's my mask as I try to run from their gazes." Crack. What's he doing? Is he confronting me? Does he see it? Crack"You know when they turn their backs to leave for home, never looking back. I see you. The facade you wear around you, the air itself changes when you drop it." He is confronting me." Crack, crack. "Shut up." I say, in a barely audible whisper. "When I first saw you drop the mask, I couldn't lose that image from my mind." When? How long has he known? Crack. "Every time I tried to confront you, either I couldn't be left alone, or you would have already ran away." He tried to talk to me? Crack, crack. "Shut up." I said again, louder this time, however, still whispered. Crack. "We were friends once, and I understand how it feels, to hide behind a façade, even though I know why you needed one, it was to hide and even from yourself somewhat. As a friend I want to know. Why you are in pain? To help." Help...Crash
I felt my mask shatter, every sentence spoken weakening the resolve behind it. All the emotions built up over the last six years, unleashed in a raging torrent. Words that were no longer contained flooded from my mouth, from the force of the emotions behind them. I couldn't contain them, and frankly, I wanted to let them out.
"You're bloody right you can't understand! Ever since mum died six years ago, I've been beaten, bloodied, broken, starved and neglected of everything. Dad became a violent DRUNK!" I was yelling at the top of my voice and I knew the tears, pouring from my eyes weren't going to stop. "Everything I've needed for the past six years I've had to scavenge for myself. And don't you DARE call yourself my friend. The friend I remember was always standing by my side, no matter what situation we were in, trouble or otherwise. Where have you been huh? I NEEDED you." To let me cry with someone there, have you listen to my thoughts, to have you there to heal my wounds. To help me stand.
"I haven't been there because you pushed me away. I wanted to be there, but every time I was there; you got angry and violent again." Again? "It hurt to have you do that to me, because I knew you needed me there. When you needed to calm down, I took a step back so you'd have your space with me right there for you when you were ready." Sasuke's voice was calm compared to the outburst I had. It made it all the more sincere. My head was hurting from both the loudness of my 'speech' and from the information he was telling me. It was conflicting; all I have believed in for the last six years. Was it true? I was alone all this time, wasn't I? No. No, we did fight. I hit him, oh my god I hit him. Why would I do that? Pride, no; attachment. Attachment to my father, he was what I had left; even knowing what he was doing was bad. I didn't want to lose him to. I still, don't want to lose him.
"You needed someone," "Sorry." "But couldn't accept it." "I'm sorry." Silence rained over us. The words sinking in. When he made no move to speak, I continued, softly. "I'm sorry for what I did; I was scared and didn't want to be alone. I'd just lost Mum and I didn't want to be separated from Dad as well. If you or someone intervened I would've lost both my parents, and losing them so close together… I hoped that Father would stop, that he'd realise what he's doing. He didn't and it just got worse. By then I was use to hiding everything, blending in; smiling away the pain. It became a natural instinct, to hide around others, don't get noticed and no one will know. Seeing how no one saw through it, it started to hurt, more and more. It was as more unbearable than the pain inflicted through being punched and beaten even when down, it hurt more. I'm sorry for hitting you that day as well." My voice was weak. Remorse and sorrow lacing every word.
I was looking at my feet now, I wanted to be forgiven and be accepted as his friend once again, like we used to be. That'd be impossible though, we may be friends again but not what we were before. "Idiot. You have nothing to apologize for. I understand, but you wouldn't have been alone either, I will always be here, you should have known that." Always be here for me, not forgiven. "I forgive you."
I look at myself now; new clothes though clean, as ruffled as my old ones. Blond hair that could have been yellow spiked everywhere, a slight fringe brushing my eyes. My eyes, my cerulean eyes, nothing had changed, but... They're different. What is it, eyes hollow from hiding. What's changed? I know something there had. What wasn't there before? It is neither sadness, or pain nor hate, those that I have come to associate with what I keep hidden from my eyes. Joy, satisfaction? No. Something more...subtle.
When I reached school I see Sasuke standing there. Someone I met anew yesterday, a friend forgotten other than by name. My eyes widen and alight with contentment as realisation dawns. This morning, in my eyes, was something that I thought I'd never associate with them again. Not after all that has happened, but it has. What I saw in my mirror, looking at me and who I am, reflected back at me. Hope.