The Intimation Trials
by RJ1013
Summary: As Sheldon and Amy adjust to the ins and outs of married life, their friends have a hard time grasping the odd couple's peculiar oral exchanges. No spoilers. 100% comedy, 0% drama.
Rating: T for language and innuendo, but this story is really only as vulgar as your own mind allows it to be. Things start out slow, but as our narrative reaches its climax, some readers may be offended by the seeds of humor that have sprung forth.
Feel free to mass-debate my rating selection in the form of a review.
Spoilers: Nothing for season 9. This story is set in any universe in which Sheldon and Amy have recently married.
Disclaimer: Nothing's mine. Except a lot of terrible jokes.
—
I.
"Oh my god, we have got to move out of here."
Leonard can barely make out Penny's words, muffled as they are with her head shoved under her pillow. What he can hear clearly is a screeching, animalistic sound from the room next to theirs. After a brief moment of blessed silence, a more feminine shriek follows.
"I mean, what the hell is that?" she continues, popping her face out and looking at him with wide eyes.
Leonard isn't sure he really wants to know. It had seemed like such a good idea at the time. He and Penny had planned to slowly phase out the nights that they would spend in Sheldon's apartment. Perhaps it is an unnecessary precaution, he admits to himself now, because Sheldon seems to be adjusting quite comfortably to his new life as a married man.
The noise finally peters out next door, and Leonard and Penny breathe twin sighs of relief.
—-
II.
Sheldon and Amy are chatting animatedly in the kitchen when Penny emerges from Leonard's room the next morning. Those two look far too chipper. It irritates Penny immensely considering how they interrupted her night's sleep. She shoots a grumpy expression their way, but it is wasted because neither of them seem to notice her.
"I'm telling you, mine was better," Sheldon says. Penny sees him raise one eyebrow and smirk at his new wife. At the same time, he depresses the lever on the toaster.
"You can't prove that," Amy responds primly. She takes a long sip of coffee before continuing, "It's utterly subjective, and we simply don't have the requisite data available to come to any kind of satisfying conclusion."
"I beg to differ. I'm quite satisfied. Nevertheless, we could convene our small group of friends and get their impartial opinion on the matter."
Amy tilts her head and squints at Sheldon. "That would be quite awkward to explain. And besides, it wouldn't hold up to the rigors of the scientific process. Oh! Good morning Penny. Leonard."
Penny hadn't even noticed Leonard step up next to her. Jerked from her stupor, she now takes note of the soft fleece of his bathrobe brushing against the bare skin of her arm. As she looks up to her beloved, she can see that his face holds an expression that surely mirrors her own. Curious disgust.
Her little guy bravely chokes out, "What… what are you guys talking about? Is this about all that racket the two of you were making last night?"
"Oh, you could hear that?" Sheldon asks, sounding not even the tiniest bit contrite to Penny's ears. He takes a bite of toast. It feels like forever to her before he finishes chewing and elaborates, "Amy and I are having a little debate that perhaps you two can help us settle."
"I, um, I'm not really sure that we can." It's the most polite response that Penny can muster.
Amy scrunches up her eyebrows into an expression of befuddlement. "Why not? I mean you guys both saw our Jurassic Park marathon yesterday afternoon."
If anyone should be befuddled here, Penny is pretty sure that it should be her. She's also reasonably sure that she slept through a good portion of those movies. In fact, she is starting to wonder if she is still asleep right now because her lunatic friends are making even less sense than usual.
Leonard responds helpfully for the both of them, "Huh?"
"Well, after you two left, we followed up the movies with some paleontology documentaries. Amy and I then began a spirited discussion about the many inaccuracies of the Jurassic Park franchise. For instance, did you know that dinosaurs are now quite commonly believed to have had feathers?"
Penny sees Sheldon's inquisitive face, but neither she nor Leonard answer him. He doesn't seem fazed as he continues, "Fascinating, isn't it? Anyhow, this obviously opened the possibility of further errors."
"You were making dinosaur noises, weren't you?" Leonard interrupts.
"Obviously," Amy responds. "Specifically, raptors. We differ a bit in our opinions of what kind of vocalizations these creatures would have been capable of. We both gave it the best of our oral skills, but alas, we could not come to a consensus."
Penny can't hold her tongue for a moment longer. "Wait a minute! So you two newlyweds were up late at night to—to make freaking dinosaur impressions at each other?"
"Yes…" Sheldon drags out the word with exaggerated slowness. It aggravates her that his tone makes it sound like she is the one who is crazy. "I understand that this may be your first time, Penny, and you may have difficultly getting a firm grasp on this. Amy and I like to fill these holes in our knowledge, and few things are as satisfying as the deep impacts of scientific curiosity."
"And we're darn good at it," Amy smiles, nudging her shoulder playfully into his.
He nods emphatically, but when he turns back to face Penny he whispers, "But mine was better."
"Sheldon!" Amy objects.
"Ugh. Very well. Leonard, Penny, it's up to you to decide. Who do you believe made a more authentic raptor? Oh, but before you answer, it may influence your decision to know that as part of my imitation I also did this."
He proceeds to hold his arms up to his chest with his hands curled up into dinosaur claws. With the first three fingers of each hand formed into the distinctive triple claw of a raptor, he starts clawing threateningly in Amy's direction.
—-
III.
Howard is seated next to Raj with Sheldon and Leonard across from them both. It's grilled meats day at the cafeteria, and Howard hopes that his Jewish mother isn't looking down from the great beyond while he takes a big bite of his bacon double cheeseburger. Leonard is telling them both about Sheldon and Amy's wild night. This is even juicier than Howard's non-kosher meat.
He is still chewing when Raj pipes up next to him and asks, "So you really just started emitting crazy dinosaur sounds late at night?"
"It's not crazy. We were testing out a theory," Sheldon responds, sounding exasperated at their lack of understanding. "Besides, some dinosaurs may very well have been nocturnal."
"It's okay, Sheldon," Howard says with the most soothing tone that he can conjure. "We understand."
"We do?" asks Raj.
"Seriously?" Leonard sounds equally flummoxed.
"Of course. Who among us hasn't stomped about the house while alone or growled while tearing wildly into a particularly rare hunk of flesh?" Howard gestures with his partially masticated burger. "Or maybe climbed the stairs on all fours like a beast when no one was looking?"
"Yah, okay. I suppose," Raj admits. Leonard nods a reluctant agreement as well.
Howard can't quite control the grin that starts to take over his face. "Of course, in this case, that isn't exactly what we though you'd be nocturnally emitting, Sheldon." To his delight, Sheldon looks as clueless as ever while the rest of them chuckle.
Clearly exasperated, Sheldon sighs. He picks up his oblong bun and announces, "Gentlemen, I would like to get back to my wiener now."
The snickering rises to a guffaw, but Leonard is quick to recover and change the subject. Howard figures that the little guy probably doesn't want to have to explain the humor to his roommate. "So, how are you and Amy getting along as man and wife? You both seem to be very happy. Amy seemed particularly happy this weekend while she was moving in."
"Well, I should think so," Sheldon says. "Really, if I were going to make that woman any happier, I'd have to throw my back out completely."
That was not the best moment to have taken a drink of his soda. Howard can feel the burn of the carbonation throughout his sinus cavities. As his watery eyes clear, he can see the expressions of surprise on Raj and Leonard's faces.
"What?" Sheldon looks at each of them in turn. "You guys are really strange sometimes. And you all call me crazy." After a brief moment of silence, he continues with a weary, shell-shocked expression, "It took hours, you know?"
His face shifts to a look of impatience when they all start chuckling again.
"Have you never helped a woman move before? Any of you? Amy has a tremendous amount of girly twaddle that had to come up four flights of stairs. And then of course there were the endless boxes of books." He throws his hands in the air. "It was quite a feat, but we managed. That night, though? I've never felt so stiff and helpless just lying in bed before."
—-
IV.
It didn't take a lot of convincing for Bernadette to talk Amy and Penny into meeting for lunch at the newly opened restaurant near Cal Tech. The boys are welcome to experience the culinary delights of the cafeteria, but Bernadette greatly prefers the ambiance of the surrounding area. This particular region is rapidly gentrifying, with new buildings and businesses sprouting up all over the place.
Penny is helping her plan for their next girls' night. Amy is usually an enthusiastic participant for this kind of planning session, but she has yet to contribute anything today. So far, she is just staring dreamily out the window, smiling.
"It really is a spectacular erection," Amy suddenly blurts out wistfully.
Speechless, both blondes just gape at her. Apparently realizing their confusion, Amy gestures out the window. "Take a long, hard look at that building that they are erecting over there. The architecture is exquisite. It must be quite an undertaking. The length just goes on and on. I certainly wouldn't want to be up there nailing it, would you?"
"Um, no," Bernadette squeaks out in answer.
"Yeah, I think Bernadette prefers smaller erections." Penny smirks apologetically and then takes a healthy swig of her iced tea.
Before Bernadette gets a chance to throw a dig back Penny's way, Amy says, "A fear of heights is quite common, you know. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Acrophobia can be quite debilitating."
Rather than face the awkwardness of explaining Penny's insult, Bernadette settles for glaring menacingly at her blonde friend. No doubt cracking under the pressure, Penny tries to shift the focus back to Amy. "So Ames, how is married life treating you?"
Amy finishes her own sip of iced tea and begins, "It's been easier than I had expected. We're quite new to all of this, of course, but being married to Sheldon has really helped me to fill a void in my life."
Back to smiling, Penny says, "I'm sure that it has, sweetie."
"I know that things will not be perfect. The everyday struggles will always be there with the surprises of life coming in fits and spurts. You just never know what life will thrust into your path."
Bernadette is having a hard time keeping a straight face. If Howard were here, she has no doubt that he would be in danger of having a stroke if he had to keep silent. Making eye contact with Penny, the two make a silent agreement. If they keep quiet, maybe Amy will continue to elaborate.
"Sheldon has come a long way, though. Did you guys know that he helped me move all of my things this past weekend? He complained endlessly about the resultant stiffness, but he really got in there and got it done for me. And truthfully, he really did have to deal with a lot of loads."
Bernadette sees that Penny has both lips curled into her mouth, forming a straight line in a valiant effort to keep quiet. It is astonishing to her that Amy can't seem to hear some of the hilarity in the things that she is saying. She wonders, briefly, if her naive, sweet friend could be doing this on purpose, but she quickly rejects the premise.
"It wasn't a process without pitfalls, of course. We had to wrestle a bit about what would go where. In the end, though, it all went rather smoothly."
It's Amy that is the first to chuckle when she obviously remembers something. She innocently continues, "We did have a number of squabbles about this one thing in particular. You see, he kept insisting on putting his junk in my box…"
At that, Bernadette and Penny can hold back no longer. Any further explanation from Amy is drowned out in a fit of uncontrollable giggles.
—-
Author notes:
Sorry for the rough, jerky flow of language in this story. It's been a while since I've done this. Hopefully, with more rigorous repetitions, my writing will get back to feeling more tight and fluid.
Also, my apologies to any foreign language readers. This is a hot, sticky mess that probably won't translate into anything comprehensible.
I intended for this to be a quickie, but it ended up keeping me up all night! More chapters are yet to come.