AMIDST
Hanna flipped the yellowing pages of her newest Stephen King novel to impress the love of her life. You may wonder why she's reading an actual book with that airhead, strong willed personality of hers. It's because she wants her lover to be pleased with her intelligence levelz.
She also pretends to be French. "Wee, wee," she whispers and she stares at her reflection in the mirror. She's practicing in order to sound believable. "I'm a Frenchie. I'm a Frenchie. I'm a Frenchi."
A knock comes from the door. "Hanna, it's me!"
Her heart leaps with joy and her eyelashes grow even longer. It's her lover. Her one sided love.
"Coming," she shouts, opening the door to reveal...
Mr. Fitz.
"Fitz?" She asks, momentarily filled with puzzlement. "What are U doing here? Like, seriously. I h8 u so much I have to talk in text."
"But, I love you Hanbag! You're my snookie pie!" Mr. Fitz pulls an envelope out of his coat pocket. "Here. Read it, Pirate Whore!"
She snatched it out of his hands with her polished fingernails, glaring at him icily. "Gimme it! Don't pull a Mona on me!"
"I'll do whatever I want, biatch!" But he obliges, handing her the letter. Hanna rips open the ivory paper and begins to read:
Dearest Daughter,
You make my heart shriek with utter disgust. You make me revolt all over the bathroom floor at the mention of your erotic name. You "blonde" hair is really the absurd color of rabbit feces. Maybe with a few golden colored streaks, but that's it. I hate you, you Pirate Whore of a daughter. Yes, I am your mother. Pam Fields. I am writing this letter to you right now. Your biological dad and I did it in the hot tub, making you part...FISH. Your real dad is not who you think he is. Your real dad is Toby Cavanaugh. Who is also related to Byron. Making you half FISH, half demigod. Your cousin is Chiron. You're brother is Annabeth Chase, because she is a cross dresser. Your half brother is Caleb, your boyfriend. And I am your mother. Your legal mother ran away with Byron Montgomery and they've been eating fish fries by the dock and the bay. Ashley perished moments later, killing her sufficiently. He loved her. He really did. This just so happened to anger Ella Montgomery so much that she ran over Ashley with her car. Ella then proceeded to drive home with the blood stains still on her wheels and everything. She made an apple pie using Ashley's remaining hair and bones. She tried feeding it to her daughter, Aria, but she wouldn't budge because she recently turned vegan. SO THEN, Ella fed it to Mike, who lapped it up like a dog.
-A (you'll never guess who I am.)
Hanna gasped in shock, fainting in Ezra's sturdy arms. (And that wasn't the only thing that was sturdy). *Cough* his dick *cough* tionary.
"Oh, wow Ezra. Your dictionary is so FIRM!"
"I know, right? Aria made it that way. She spent a lot of time running her hands over the pages."
"DAMN, CHICO."
"I thought you were French." He pointed out, analyzing her Spanish words in his Dick- Oh, silly auto correct- Dictionary.
-FIN